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CATWOMAN (Jul 2004)
Director: Pitof.
Writers:
Bob
Kane, Theresa Rebeck, John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, John
Rogers.
Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Alex Borstein, Lambert Wilson,
Frances Conroy.
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Poffy-whipped
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Pussy
Galore.
by
Jon Dunmore © 22 Nov 2005.
Halle
Berry brings her cat scratch fever to bear upon corporate villainy and meddling-cop
lovers alike in CATWOMAN, with the style of an Egyptian priestess oozing Western sadomasochismo;
a puss in boots by any other name.
Strictly
Felis silvestris, no doggy-style for this feline.
The
MPAA prove beyond a doubt that they are so blunt-skulled as to be astonishingly
unaware of that thing called "innuendo," in rating this vibrating dildo
of a movie a mere PG-13.
With
a character name gooey enough to warrant slapping the screenwriter responsible
for it, Patience Phillips (Berry) is the browbeaten employee of a cosmetics company
owned by Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone - need more evidence for Pure Sex? A woman
renowned for her clam-shot!) and her British (and therefore villainous) husband.
Overhearing corporate high crimes being plotted, Patience is "killed"
by Laurel's goons.
She
is "resurrected" by a cat breathing on her… though it may be hard
to believe that the movie's four screenwriters could concoct nothing more
plausible, it is revealed that this particular feline has been spitting up hairballs
since Cleopatra's reign and has "chosen" Patience for her… uh,
latent nymphomaniacal abandon, it would seem - to be the superhero/antihero for
Generation Y.
And
before your head explodes over the idiocy of the premise, let's put it all in
purr-spective (sorry!). In a superhero-conscious society, where a guy can be bitten
by a radioactive spider and then walk up walls, or where a guy from a technologically
advanced civilization like Krypton (with fashion sense that has not advanced beyond
1972 Gay Mardi Gras - candy-apple-flaming underpants over sky-blue leggings? -
girl, puh-lease!) can be accepted with straight faces, this "cat-breath"
contrivance is almost rocket science.
Being
brought back to life encourages Patience to dress like a slut, put on makeup enough
to embarrass a prostitute, walk like she's left the Anal Intruder lodged deep
enough to kill a mule deer, and fight crime.
Sensually
clobbering bad guys and good guys alike, in her quest to beat out Jenna Jameson
as the World's Biggest Whore, Catwoman uncovers Laurel's plot to Take Over The
World via the diabolical tool of women's makeup! (Yes, four screenwriters...)
Prompting her into using her whip (insert joke here), getting down on all fours
(take down trousers here), licking people (touch oneself here) and using double
entendre like she's getting paid by the pun (slap the screenwriters for ruining
it for you).
Talented
comedienne Alex Borstein (MAD TV, FAMILY GUY) plays the unfortunate cliché
Fat Chick "Friend of the Hot Chick" (bane to clubbers the world over).
But in Hollywood parlance, Fat Chicks are as far removed from real-life clubber
cock-blockers as Lesbos is from San Francisco, these plump sidekicks quivering
with instant publicized arousal whenever a human male hoves within farting distance.
And - in a movie that squeals its emasculation with Berry's every half-naked pirouette
and erotogenic self-licking display - Benjamin Bratt plays The Chick.
Catwoman's
identity is nailed by Detective Bratt - soon after he nails Patience - and she
is jailed (framed by Laurel Hedare) - in a skintight tracksuit that screams Prison
Porn Scene; payoff being Patience's sensual sliding act through the cell bars,
as that badass tracksuit hugs her bad ass… oooh yeh! Do it slow for the dirty
old men in the audience with their 13-year-old daughters role-modeling themselves
after this flirt-crazed, exhibitionist sex-kitten.
Where
is your god now, MPAA?
Though many would criticize this piece of trash
for its dizzying editing, embarrassing dialog, banal storyline, distractingly-ludicrous
special effects or wafer-thin characters, it is the underlying HYPOCRISY in "empowering"
Womankind by simultaneously exploiting them that belittles the film's aspirations.
And
the rest of those things don't help.
Not
that it had too many aspirations, its main deal being securing thousands of soft-porn
moments for Berry, hard-selling this product to drooling consumers waiting for
a nipple shot which would never come. (Let's face it, though: we saw Halle's naked
ta-tas in SWORDFISH and they were nothing to write home about.)
The
film's slippery grasp of its Woman Empowerment theme only served to highlight
that women can't have it both ways: if being forward about their sexuality is
Empowerment, they should not stymie men being forward about theirs - yet
any sexual signal from a man is considered Sexual Harassment at the woman's prerogative;
and if this movie represents a coup for women's primacy, then it cannot
possibly represent misogyny - yet the same factions who laud this as a blow to
male supremacy will also whine about its feminine exploitation!
In
the film's final standoff between Catwoman and Laurel Hedare, it becomes obvious
that the two most masculine beings in the story are women (business-wise and physically),
the film-makers falling into the same paradoxical trap that all Woman Empowering
rhetoric must claw its way out of - that women do not seek equality, but rather usurpation of Man's role,
thereby making them as slanted towards the preeminence of their sex as the men
they rally against. (The unfortunate corollary is that in overcoming men on their
own turf, they must adopt the traits of men - and "butch" and "macho"
should be adjectives reserved for gay guys.)
With every man in this movie emasculated
and pussified (Bratt seems decidedly put-out that he must pretend to nurse a wounded
shoulder to keep him out of the movie's climactic catfight), estrogen runs rampant
as those 13-year-olds cheer the denigration of the gender that grants them these
double standards in the first place.
It
is those same double standards that the MPAA hypocritically defer to in granting
this film its pornographic liberties.
Because
Life, much like this movie, is all about the pussy.
END
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CATWOMAN (Jul 2004)
Director: Pitof.
Writers: Bob
Kane, Theresa Rebeck, John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, John
Rogers.
Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Alex Borstein, Lambert Wilson,
Frances Conroy.
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