|
|
CRANK (Sep 2006)
Directors, Writers: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor.
Starring: Jason Statham Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Jose Pablo
Cantillo, Dwight Yoakam, Carlos Sanz, Reno Wilson, Edi Gathegi,
Glenn Howerton, Keone Young.
 |
Crankin'
the Cucumber
|
|
Crank-y.
by
Jon Dunmore © 13 Sep 2006.
Super
stylish. Super amped. Super shallow.
Still,
any movie that opens with Quiet Riot's Bang Your Head
scarring the soundtrack can't be all that bad. And writer-directors
Mark Neveldine's and Brian Taylor's CRANK isn't all
that bad. It isn't all that good either.
A
hitman, Chev Chelios (Jason Statham), has been injected
with The Beijing Cocktail, a substance that will kill him
if his adrenaline slips below a certain level. To exact
revenge on his killer in the 24 hours he has left to live,
Chev must stay cranked to the point of his heart almost
exploding. Think SPEED (1994), with Statham as the
rampaging bus; think D.O.A. (1988, with Dennis Quaid
and Meg Ryan) without the complications of a plot; stylistically,
think a non-thinking man's version of Guy Ritchie's SNATCH (2001).
Statham
as the doomed hitman (and the star of SNATCH) furthers
the likeness to Ritchie's frenetic film; the crash-cutting,
insane angles and editing also conjures images of Neveldine
and Taylor worshipping at the altar of Ritchie. But that
is where the similarities end, for CRANK is a perfect
example of what Ritchie was hollowly criticized for - style
over substance.
CRANK's first ten minutes are so heart-bustingly fast and furious
that we don't have time to pay attention to plot contrivances,
formulaic acting and slapdash direction. Of course, unless
you are very talented - or very crazy (Guy Ritchie answers
to both, first making SNATCH then marrying Madonna)
- this kind of action is unsustainable, or the audience's
hearts would explode.
By
the time Chev is headbanging to the strains of Achy Breaky
Heart (you read that right), we have composed ourselves
enough to realize that our suspension of disbelief is on
rocky ground - as we think back on the logistical stupidities
of what went into igniting this plot: a Latino thug, Verona
(Jose Pablo Cantillo), who would as likely shoot you in
the eye as gang-rape your mother, injects Chev with the
offending heart-stopping substance and is kind enough to
MAKE A DVD to explain the scenario to Chev. How very Batman-Villain
of him.
Telling
ourselves "It's just a movie," we run with it,
even as Chev is impelled to run through LA streets with
a magnum erection thinly covered with a hospital gown that
keeps flapping open to reveal his taut buttocks for the
laydayz.
But
the Bond Villain stopgap Methods Of Prolonged Murder attain
teeth-grinding proportions and by the final scene, when
Chev confronts Verona, we ask ourselves why Verona, an impulsive
gangland hitter (who by this stage has gone foaming-mouthed
mental over Chev killing his brother and scarfing his bling),
does not simply pump Chev full of shrapnel when Chev is
standing there unarmed, surrounded by Verona's gang. Instead,
Verona opts to courteously inject Chev again, then
scream at him to die, with lots of swearing. That oughta
help - more so than the GUN Verona carries in his other
hand.
I
don't know whether I was laughing because the movie was
genuinely funny, or because I was on that knife-edge of
popcorn straightjacket myself…
Jason
Statham has made the transition well from UK Hard Guy to
US Hard Guy, insinuating himself into the Los Angeles gangsta
kulcha with only a slight doctoring of the Brit accent,
his visage simply yelling American streetfighting hitman.
His TRANSPORTER movies set him up for this kind of
savage action, but nothing could prepare him for this kind
of illogical storyline.
Eve
(Amy Smart) is Chev's small-minded strawberry-blonde fluff,
about as smart as Jack Nicholson in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST - after the lobotomy; the type who applies
lipstick obliviously, whilst in her peripheral vision, Chev
beats a prospective assailant without her knowledge…
Only in LA…
Willfully contrasting Chev's over-amped bullet-train persona
is Chev's doctor, played by a scandalously calm Dwight Yoakam.
The
sex and violence is heavy duty, brazenly overstepping the
boundaries of what the hypocrites call "good taste."
But good taste - by its definition - is what tastes good.
And when Chev brutally bangs Eve in front of a leering Chinatown
crowd to keep his heart rate bangin' - now that's just plain
creamy Christian goodness!
The
irony is, in trying to keep Chev out of a coma by going
hell-tilt, if this movie did NOT overstep boundaries with
its passenger-seat blowjobs, hatcheted hands, snorting coke
off bathroom floors and (literally) hung transvestites,
the audience would lapse into coma.
END
|
|
|
CRANK (Sep 2006)
Directors, Writers: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor.
Starring: Jason Statham Amy Smart, Efren Ramirez, Jose Pablo
Cantillo, Dwight Yoakam, Carlos Sanz, Reno Wilson, Edi Gathegi,
Glenn Howerton, Keone Young.
|
|
