Why?
©
Jon Dunmore, 2 Apr 2006.
Driving around Los Angeles in late 2005, I was as victimized
as the next motorist in seeing the rash of billboards advertising
the ABC sitcom Emily's Reasons Why Not. Though I waited
passively to catch an accidental glimpse of this pap-outa-the-gate
commercial malformity whilst channel-surfing (in order to
warn viewers off it, as I knew would be my duty), I was not
to get the chance, as I heard one night on the Tim Conway/Brian
Whitman radio show that it had been cancelled within a week
of its pilot episode airing.
So
there is a god.
But
I'll only start sacrificing fatted calves to Him if He continues
along this sane trajectory and makes Everybody Loves
Raymond go away as well…
This
program's extinction, of course, made it nigh impossible
to pen a review of a show which I'd never seen and - thankfully
- would never see. But let's face it - if you've seen one
unfunny American sitcom in
the last decade (sorry - that's tautologous, as there are
no "funny" American sitcoms to act as "controls"),
you've seen this one.
Aww!
The woman so beautiful that she doesn't have to learn a
trade to get by in the world having troubly-wubbly wiv her
boyfriendy? She's coquettishly neurotic? Aggravatingly coy?
Perfectly coiffured with a "10" body, yet thinks
she is hideous? She's got her little system of criteria
that informs her on when to date, whom to date, and how
far to go on a date?
We've
all known women in this mental state of depravity. They're
called "high maintenance." Another word would
be psychotic…
Thus,
to discourage any further treatment or resurrection of this
conceptual dungswill, I pen this Open Letter To Emily:
Dear
Spoiled Byoch,
Y'know, guys don't want to hear your reasons why not. Matter
of fact, guys don't even want to know your reasons WHY.
If you want to talk, get out. And if you want to make excuses
about "why not" - don't even bother calling!
END
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