The Cucumber-Demon

If it started merely as a band, the Kiss Business Model has been consumed and re-wrought by the corporate idiom. Three decades after their inception, Kiss is an ideal which grownups hand down to their kids. Witness the demographic at Kiss events: the youngsters are as fanatically imbibed as their senior minders; verily, my older cousin opened my eyes to Kiss in 1978; I, in turn, indoctrinated the next generation, and thus it continues as we speak...

The legacy of Kiss cannot be arrested or dismantled by naysayers or critics any more - it has embedded itself into the psyche of four human generations on planet earth - and that's a lot of greasepaint. More than a cultural phenomenon - it is a Culture. To quote from West Side Story, a Kiss fan's existence extends "from sperm to worm", as evidenced by items such as Kiss Kondoms and Kiss Kaskets - as Paul Stanley shrewdly puts it: `We're gonna get you comin' or goin'!'

Detractors continually rant at Gene raking in their money - well, look closely at what he has provided in return for that money, you prodigal, avaricious, parsimonious pipsqueaks - PRODUCT - not just the usual CD & t-shirts - all manner of emblazoned merchandise, which one may choose to buy - or not! None of the over 2,000 products that the Kiss Company licenses/produces are priced any more overtly than other lesser-known band-branded merchandise - so why all the hissy-fitting? Gene isn't bodily wrenching that money from you - if you don't want the Kiss Big Head Dolls or the Kiss Thermos or the Kiss Monopoly Game - don't buy them!

Gene is targeted simply because he is obviously identifiable as the individual straddling the Kiss pyramid - whilst faceless, rapacious corporations (such as the marketers of Batman, Dracula, Star Trek, et al) don't draw such fire because of the very nature of corporations: faceless drogues hawking products that a mysterious board of directors controls - yet these corporate strongholds crave your money as openly as Gene says he does, but no single person is identifiable as the perpetrator of those business models, so it's all okay.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT:

The promethean achievement of the oxymoronic Kiss Symphony (Kiss performing live with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra) is somewhat diluted by the amateurish direction and headache-inducing editing of the actual concert footage. Except for Act II, where the "unplugged" aspect decreed a more sober visual approach, Act I (band onstage sans orchestra) and Act III (band and orchestra tutti) are so mind-bogglingly edited as to make one question the aptitude and experience of the editing team and directors. Sure, all the rock-god angles and flying pans are there, to give one a sense of witnessing an event akin to The Second Coming, but there is a dearth of simple stable shots, where one can gain a sense of proportion and scope - maybe that is exactly what Simmons&Co. don't want us to do, as this may detract from the supposed "enormity" of the event - ?

But that's what doesn't quite make sense - firstly, the event itself is such an incredible melding of two incongruous entities that it needs no distractions like Michael Bay flying pans and Guy Ritchie crash-cuts to make it seem any more extraordinary; secondly, the mix is superb, the performance is exceptional and if there were any glitches with the technical aspects, they were negligible; thirdly, why try to distract at all? - you're KISS, fer cryin out loud! Thirty years of legend is sewn into your coat-tails - the distraction of all the cuts themselves detracts from the enormity of this event. Wherever this video is reviewed, the same criticism abounds, even from those who profess undying love for the Kiss empire, such as me. Sure, certain passages warrant crazed slam-pans and angled cutaways, but the directors seem to have no discernible reasons for doing this whenever they feel like it, all the time.

Peter Criss has no pocket to speak of. That's the second unbearable aspect of this concert presentation. Any time The Cat is left alone to connect passages of songs with solo drumming - fuggedaboudit - like the mighty Mississippi, meandering all over America. Poor Stanley&Simmons, having to put up with Criss' excuse for a backbeat after the juggernauting of Carr and Singer. No doubt Criss is now aware of his post as the Luckiest Untalented Thuck In The World (besides Ringo, who shared the same fate - mediocre gimp hooks up with two dynamos and conquers earth) which is why he accepted Stanley&Simmons' dollar offering this time 'round.

Tommy Thayer's real hair looks more fake than Gene Simmons' wig.

Insofar as Thayer not exuding enough charisma, let's not forget that he is a relative newcomer to superstar status. It will take him a few years to possess the panache that Stanley&Simmons exude so naturally, having conquered the world many times over. Thayer has been Stanley&Simmons' right-hand man for some years now (among other tasks, he has written and directed many Kiss video features and was Ace Frehley's tutor(!) in re-learning his licks of halcyon days) and does a superb job of rendering unto Ace fans what was once Ace's. And - he's a better director than the knuckleheads who cut this video.

The amazement and humility of both Kiss and the Melbourne Symphony shines through, both acts having performed insurmountable feats, now thrown together and experiencing the others' world. It was refreshing to see Simmons, the super-confident, self-made millionaire, during a production rehearsal, cast his gaze about and remark in awe, "Magnificent!" And Paul's look of childish ebullience when hearing his songs orchestrated and mouthing to the camera, also in awe, "I wrote that!"

Faults noted, this presentation still stands as an awe-inspiring authentication of who the The Hottest Band In The World really are.


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