A – ALT

THE A-TEAM

5 Star

TOP

THE A-TEAM

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 25 Dec 10
There’s no ‘A’ in TEAM.
More like the C+ team. The only ‘A’ in this movie is for Audacity. Or Ass – Jessica Biel’s.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

7 Star

TOP

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 3 Oct 13
Cutting Bloody Political Comedy.
… about the blood-drinking creatures of the night, the hellish, undead demon-spawn that crave the annihilation of the human species – that’s right, it’s about Republicans.

ABSOLUTE POWER

7 Star

TOP

ABSOLUTE POWER

Release: Feb 97 – Review: 14 Nov 10
Thieves in the Temple.
… the actual “thieves” in our temples are not those robbers in our houses who steal money and jewels – the thieves are in the highest temples of power…

THE ABYSS

7 Star

TOP

THE ABYSS

Release: Aug 89 – Review: 11 Jun 11
Underwater Flying Objects.
James Cameron’s parable about humans in an alien environment (at the bottom of the sea) close-encountering aliens in a human environment (here on Earth).

ACCEPTED

2 Star

TOP

ACCCEPTED

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 2 Jul 07
Entirely Unacceptable.
… it feels as if they’re only appearing in ACCEPTED because, like their characters, they were rejected from parts on other films.

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

8 Star

TOP

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Release: Feb 94 – Review: 19 Oct 05
When Over-The-Top is Under-Achieving.
Jim Carrey’s second-ever leading role remains a watershed performance of mega-ultra-outré singularity.

ACE VENTURA WHEN NATURE CALLS

7 Star

TOP

ACE VENTURA WHEN NATURE CALLS

Release: Nov 95 – Review: 1 Dec 09
When Nature Calls Through Its Arse.
… bold, brash and bountifully braggadocio as its predecessor; a riotous laugh-a-minute wild kingdom zoo train…

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

6 Star

TOP

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 26 Sep 11
The Unbearable Rightness of Being.
… they’re watching Matt Damon’s every move. And adjusting it. All while wearing bad hats.

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

7 Star

TOP

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

Release: 1965 – Review: 19 Oct 05
Masterpiece of a Masterpiece.
Stupendous over-acting from both Rex Harrison and Our Man Charlton is the saving grace of this lavish movie…

AIR FORCE ONE

5 Star

TOP

AIR FORCE ONE

Release: Jul 97 – Review: 25 Aug 14
Air Force Dumb.
Russians hijack the American President’s plane. Can I have a serving of foregone conclusion with my helping of blockbuster actioner?

ALI G INDAHOUSE

6 Star

TOP

ALI G INDAHOUSE

Release: Mar 02 – Review: 13 Dec 09
Big Ups. And Much Sideways.
… an uneven potpourri of throwing everything this character has against the wall and not caring what sticks or not.

ALIEN

10 Star

TOP

ALIEN

Release: May 79 – Review: 18 Jun 13
A Little Extra Extra-Terrestrial.
“In space, no one can hear you scream.” Even so, there’s an awful lot of screaming going on.

ALIEN 3

7 Star

TOP

ALIEN 3

Release: May 92 – Review: 15 Dec 16
One Singular Serration…
One maximum security prison planet. One xenomorph extra-terrestrial alien. Let the screaming begin. That no one can hear you doing in space…

ALIEN: COVENANT

8 Star

TOP

ALIEN: COVENANT

Release: May 17 – Review: 20 Jun 17
In space, no one can hear you mandroid.
… a majestic, foaming, throat-rending serpent of a film with concepts that will blow your mind as well as your chest cavity…

ALIENS

8 Star

TOP

ALIENS

Release: Jul 86 – Review: 28 Apr 08
The Warrior/Goddess Dichotomy and the Eternal Feminine.
… a script that bluntly screams “More is Better” – more aliens, more victims, more explosions and incredible amounts of more mucus.

ALL ABOUT STEVE

3 Star

TOP

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 13 Feb 10
These Boots Are Made For Stalkin.’
Mary latches onto a cameraman named Steve, who shuns her motor-mouthed advances. And then nothing happens.

ALL IS LOST

7 Star

TOP

ALL IS LOST

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 22 Jul 15
Man versus Ocean in a battle to the wet.
… an intrepid sailor, adrift on a boundless ocean after his yacht sinks, battling some fresh hell every moment to stay alive.

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT

10 Star

TOP

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT

Release: Aug 30 – Review: 2 Sep 14
All quiet when it comes to war.
An American production that follows a young German soldier through senseless World War I trenches, it is epic in scope, yet intimate in its emotional impact.

ALL THE KING'S MEN

6 Star

TOP

ALL THE KING’S MEN

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 2 Oct 06
..couldn’t put this movie together again.
… exhaustingly dull, despite its quality film-making, stupendous performances and sober messages.

ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN

8 Star

TOP

ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN

Release: Apr 76 – Review: 18 Dec 09
Fall of the Imperial Presidency.
Watergate. Conspiracy. Burglary. Perjury. Courtesy of the President of the United States.

ALONG CAME POLLY

5 Star

TOP

ALONG CAME POLLY

Release: Jan 04 – Review: 6 Jun 06
Along Came Seymour.
Hoffman uses his disheveled, pariah character like a wrecking ball on this milky-vanilla story.

ALTERED STATES

7 Star

TOP

ALTERED STATES

Release: Dec 80 – Review: 14 Mar 09
LSD Trip for Intelligentsia.
… two university scientists experimenting on human regression, using an isolation tank and sensational drugs…

AMA – APO

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

7 Star

TOP

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 12 Jul 13
Another good character study cloaked in superhero duds.
With our willing suspension of disbelief, AMAZING SPIDER-MAN amazingly succeeds.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

7 Star

TOP

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

Release: May 14 – Review: 23 Sep 16
Webdom-ination…
… an excellent continuation of the rebooted franchise.

AMELIA

5 Star

TOP

AMELIA

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 12 Feb 10
Fly Girl.
…she flies, she flies, she dies. The end.

AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM

9 Star

TOP

AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM

Release: Jun 06 – Review: 31 Aug 07
American Dream-mare.
Income tax is illegal. It’s not a radical battle cry – it’s the Constitution. Now that you can’t un-know that fact, life is going to get real scary…

THE AMERICAN

7 Star

TOP

THE AMERICAN

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 23 Jan 11
AMERICAN Beauty.
Clooney pulls out his reserved cool for this smart European production, once again helping to heal the image of the ugly American.

AMERICAN GANGSTER

7 Star

TOP

AMERICAN GANGSTER

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Jan 08
Smooth Criminal.
Crime = glamour. Crime = hotness. Crime = smoothness.

AMERICAN HUSTLE

8 Star

TOP

AMERICAN HUSTLE

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 6 Feb 14
Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Scum.
Guess what? Politicians are corrupt.

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

8 Star

TOP

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

Release: Nov 95 – Review: 18 Nov 06
A Romantic State of Union.
Douglas effortlessly inhabits the President’s mantle and it is a constant joy to see him imbue this office with a power that we know the real President does not have…

AMERICAN PSYCHO

7 Star

TOP

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Release: Jan 00 – Review: 25 Apr 08
Exotic Psychotic.
This comedy is not just black – it’s black with sprinkles on top and a human head on a spike.

AMERICAN SNIPER

7 Star

TOP

AMERICAN SNIPER

Release: Jan 15 – Review: 23 Jan 15
The Sheepdog Cometh.
Clint Eastwood directs Bradley Cooper as AMERICAN SNIPER Chris Kyle in a heroic story about a decidedly unheroic slimeball.

AMISTAD

9 Star

TOP

AMISTAD

Release: Dec 97 – Review: 30 Oct 09
Re-educating the slaves of perception.
No metaphors, no allegories, no analogies – this is straight up, in-ya-face, naked mea culpa racism for all the world to be ashamed of.

AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL

4 Star

TOP

AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL

Release: Mar 17 – Review: 9 Jun 17
When self-flagellation is anything but funny.
… she’s bedecked in tight leather from top to toe. And it’s not special. One of her first lines is, “Already regret it.” Us too, Amy.

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

7 Star

TOP

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 22 Feb 06
When The Anchorman was Man-Anchor.
… ranks alongside A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY or WAYNE’S WORLD as a stupid, stupid idea that somehow entertains despite itself.

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES

6 Star

TOP

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 22 Jul 15
The Corporatization of Dumbification.
… cheeky indictment of the vapid 24-hour news culture and, by association, indictment of all those responsible for perpetuating it – you dummies.

ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON ONE

5 Star

TOP

ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON ONE

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 22 May 10
Proving you don’t have to be abducted to be anal probed.
… the latest deformed baby spawned from the boomers who broke their brains on Erich von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods? book series…

ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO

5 Star

TOP

ANCIENT ALIENS SEASON TWO

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 15 Feb 11
Under The Gods.
… still talking about jaguar priests, messenger angels and ancient astronauts as if they really existed…

ANGELS & DEMONS

6 Star

TOP

ANGELS & DEMONS

Release: May 09 – Review: 31 Jan 10
Dopey Popey.
…Christians have the temerity to question how “God” can allow bad things to happen. Keep in mind these people use a CRUCIFIXION as their symbol of peace and love.

THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

6 Star

TOP

THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE

Release: May 16 – Review: 30 Jun 16
Angry Birds so Roundy Roundy.
The birds angrily get their eggs back before the pigs can make an omelet. Shakespeare this ain’t.

ANTHONY JESELNIK: THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

8 Star

TOP

ANTHONY JESELNIK: THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

Release: Oct 15 – Review: 10 Nov 15
Offending at the speed of Jeselnik.
… the Alice Cooper of comedy eviscerates a San Francisco audience. When Anthony Jeselnik kills, he really kills.

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN

7 Star

TOP

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN

Release: Dec 80 – Review: 14 May 08
ANY WHICH WAY is a “Right turn, Clyde!”
There’s nothing deep here; crack a beer, strip down to your wife-beater and just enjoy it.

APACHE

3 Star

TOP

APACHE

Release: 1954 – Review: 7 Aug 05
Corn-y Apache.
… yet another grandiose insult to the Native American people, pretending in its own racist way to be a tribute.

APOCALYPTO

8 Star

TOP

APOCALYPTO

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 3 Jan 07
An Epic Fable in a Jugular Vein.
… jungle-wild beauty juxtaposed with bestial brutality, exceptionally well-executed. Emphasis on executed.

APOLLO 13

9 Star

TOP

APOLLO 13

Release: Jun 95 – Review: 6 Sep 05
The Greatest Successful Failure Of All Time.
… the “failure” of the Apollo 13 lunar mission aided in advancing space-faring dialect and paved the future with skyward momentum…

APOLLO 18

8 Star

TOP

APOLLO 18

Release: Sep 11 – Review: 26 Mar 14
Mare Intranquilitatis.
… the first true space-horror movie since ALIEN.

ARE – AVP

AREA 51

 Star

TOP

AREA 51

Release: May 15 – Review: 7 Sep 15
Some footage should just stay unfound…
… three douchebag high school friends attempt to break into Area 51 and film it.

ARGO

8 Star

TOP

ARGO

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 10 Jan 13
The Year of Living Hollywoodly.
Ben Affleck does battle with his beard for top billing as CIA “exfiltration” expert Tony Mendez, trying to extract six American fugitives from Iran…

ARMAGEDDON

4 Star

TOP

ARMAGEDDON

Release: Jul 98 – Review: 8 Dec 08
Arma Dyin’ Here.
Imagine the worst pain and suffering ever. That’s how it’s gonna feel at the end of the world. Coincidentally, you can feel that exact same pain and suffering by watching Michael Bay’s ARMAGEDDON.

ARRIVAL 2016

9 Star

TOP

ARRIVAL 2016

Release: Nov 16 – Review: 24 Dec 16
Mind Encounters of the Close Kind.
… a pondering on communication itself, and how we as a species are so lost in translation amongst ourselves.

ARROW

6 Star

TOP

ARROW

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 23 Nov 14
Through an Arrow Greenly.
Man or woman, your groin will hurt watching these pretty people prance. Arrow. Just don’t say Green.

ARTHUR

7 Star

TOP

ARTHUR

Release: Jul 81 – Review: 9 Dec 11
Little boy booze.
The breezy, boozy tale of a wealthy enabled young man who can’t do without money – until he realizes money can’t buy him what he really can’t do without.

ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS

4 Star

TOP

ARTHUR 2: ON THE ROCKS

Release: Jul 88 – Review: 11 May 14
Stumbling drunkenly.
Tiresome sequel to an iconic movie.

ARTHUR 2011

2 Star

TOP

ARTHUR 2011

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 29 Aug 11
Lost between the Moon and New York City.
“Meet the world’s only lovable billionaire.” Isn’t that the most antagonistic of oxymorons in this economic climate?

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

6 Star

TOP

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

Release: Dec 97 – Review: 14 Oct 09
A man-size Jack in a girl-size film.
… is that all this farce was aiming towards? The pabulum of girlfriend/boyfriend-ism?

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD

8 Star

TOP

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 29 Dec 08
The Shooting of an Olde Worlde Epic by a New World Filmmaker.
… thrusting us bodily into the grimy, wild, paranoid frontier that was romanticized beyond its harsh reality.

ASTRO BOY 2009

6 Star

TOP

ASTRO BOY 2009

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 14 Dec 10
When the cute robots take over the skyways…
… an adult cartoon clothed in tiny metal undies and yeti boots.

AT THE EARTH'S CORE

5 Star

TOP

AT THE EARTH’S CORE

Release: Jul 76 – Review: 7 Jun 17
Rotten to the Core.
When we were kids, we loved these reptilian creatures and rear-projections that fooled us into believing the monsters and men were in the same scene, but now it’s quite laughable…

AUSTIN POWERS INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY

7 Star

TOP

AUSTIN POWERS INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY

Release: May 97 – Review: 16 Feb 10
Swinging! Like a man, man!
… part spy spoof, part fish-out-of-water, all Swedish-made penis enlarger.

AUSTRALIA

7 Star

TOP

AUSTRALIA

Release: Nov 08 – Review: 2 Dec 08
Epic Saddlebag Superhero.
… it’s Baz Luhrmann, so it’s gonna be stylish; it’s Nicole Kidman, so it’s gonna be painfully pretty; it’s Hugh Jackman, so it’s gonna be oozing sexual bacon like a piston on powerdrive.

AVATAR

9 Star

TOP

AVATAR

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 1 Jan 10
Electra Glide in Jungle Cat Blue.
Frank Zappa once said, “Writing about music is like tap dancing about architecture.” And there’s no way to describe James Cameron’s AVATAR without a lot of tap dancing.

THE AVENGERS

8 Star

TOP

THE AVENGERS

Release: May 12 – Review: 30 May 12
Hero-Palooza.
Shakespearean lightning and thunder arrows, red white and blue shields and golden armor, emerald rage and badass Morpheus longcoat, and Scarlett Johansson’s leather pearbottom.

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

8 Star

TOP

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

Release: May 15 – Review: 8 Aug 15
Blammo Brigade finds Intelligence. Artificially.
… not just your same ole blammo-fest with sugarbottom; merely the second movie in the AVENGERS franchise, ULTRON has moved leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor.

THE AVIATOR

7 Star

TOP

THE AVIATOR

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 28 Jul 07
That Magnificent Man and His Flying Machines.
A powerful biopic of sex, insanity and aeroplanes. In any order.

AVP: ALIEN VS PREDATOR

4 Star

TOP

AVP: ALIEN VS PREDATOR

Release: Aug 04 – Review: 2 Sep 05
AVP: Audience vs. Padding.
… akin to the nippled Batsuit – a franchise gone too far.

AVPR: ALIENS VS PREDATOR REQUIEM

4 Star

TOP

AVPR: ALIENS VS PREDATOR REQUIEM

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 2 Oct 08
Requiem for a Dweeb.
Hundreds of Aliens. One Predator. No actors.