BAB – BEO

THE BABADOOK

9 Star

TOP

THE BABADOOK

Release: May 14 – Review: 1 Nov 16
The Dook of Death.
… old-school horror movie with fresh psychological ambiguity.

BABEL

10 Star

TOP

BABEL

Release: Oct 06 – Review: 18 May 07
Babel-icious.
Four stories intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes and chicks without panties.

THE BACKWOODS

6 Star

TOP

THE BACKWOODS

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 May 09
Even in Spain, there’s a Deep South.
Shades of STRAW DOGS and dabbles in DELIVERANCE, THE BACKWOODS is an exploration of deep south justice – in Spain.

BAD BOYS

6 Star

TOP

BAD BOYS

Release: Apr 95 – Review: 4 Aug 14
When it’s bad being Bad.
… bigger explosions, bigger budgets and bigger phallic thrusts?

BAD SANTA

8 Star

TOP

BAD SANTA

Release: Nov 03 – Review: 6 Mar 09
I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week.
So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent. So funny.

BAD TEACHER

4 Star

TOP

BAD TEACHER

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 12 Dec 11
BAD TEACHER not good.
It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly.

BALLS OF FURY

6 Star

TOP

BALLS OF FURY

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 11 Sep 08
Kung Fu Ping Pong Panda.
BALLS OF FURY is not about ping pong. It’s about Being a Man. It’s about Honor. It’s about uplifting the Human Spirit with – ah, who am I kidding? It IS about ping pong.

BANGKOK DANGEROUS

8 Star

TOP

BANGKOK DANGEROUS

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 18 Feb 10
I was a Teenage Hitman.
… brutal mobs, dirty dance clubs, seedy streets, bashings, blood and bullets. And he is deaf and mute. And you thought YOUR teen years were screwed up.

BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008

6 Star

TOP

BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 14 Feb 10
Bangkok Mildly Threatening.
… not as compelling due to Cage’s powerful hitman not having as much of a crutch to overcome as 1999’s deaf teenager…

BARB WIRE

3 Star

TOP

BARB WIRE

Release: May 96 – Review: 21 Apr 06
Livin’ Large on Marketable Melons.
If you’ve seen CASABLANCA, you don’t want to watch this movie. It will bring the pain – knowing that resting on that classic movie’s shoulders, are this movie’s breasts..

BATMAN: THE MOVIE

6 Star

TOP

BATMAN: THE MOVIE

Release: Oct 66 – Review: 2 May 14
Holy jumble! Where’s the hope of the world now?!
…the big screen fintuzula of the mid-60s fruitopia TV series.

BATMAN

8 Star

TOP

BATMAN

Release: Jun 89 – Review: 12 May 07
Part Noir, Part Comicbook, All Knight.
…Michael Keaton squeezed his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to become the Sean Connery of Batmen.

BATMAN RETURNS

6 Star

TOP

BATMAN RETURNS

Release: Jun 92 – Review: 19 Oct 13
The Bat, The Cat and The Fat.
So much potential to be a dramatic noir film, but ending up as willfully camp as the 1960’s series that Burton’s own BATMAN (1989) tried to wipe from our memories.

BATMAN FOREVER

5 Star

TOP

BATMAN FOREVER

Release: Jun 95 – Review: 25 Mar 10
From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight.
… Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero – or victim (of Schumacher).

BATMAN AND ROBIN

3 Star

TOP

BATMAN AND ROBIN

Release: Jun 97 – Review: 10 Sep 05
The Battiest of them all.
Schumacher seemed oblivious on where to draw the line: primary colors shriek in anguish and gobos coruscate like an LSD afternoon delight…

BATMAN BEGINS

9 Star

TOP

BATMAN BEGINS

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 2 Aug 05
Dark Knight Reconstructionist Theory.
… if there was one modern legend that needed fixin’, it was the laughable vamp and clamorous camp of Gotham’s fruity caped crusader, the Bat Man. As Michael Caine might opine, “About bloody time!”.

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

9 Star

TOP

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

Release: Mar 16 – Review: 18 May 16
Dawn of the Golden Age of Superhero Movies.
The Holy Trinity of DC! Superman. Batman. Wonder Woman Wagina. Together on the silver screen at long last. Step outside your social media clique of closeted dipshittery and bear witness!

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

2 Star

TOP

BATTLE LOS ANGELES

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 17 Aug 11
Who knew battle could be so boring?
Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE.

BE KIND REWIND

3 Star

TOP

BE KIND REWIND

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 27 Aug 08
Be kind – put this movie out of its misery.
… and then that fake smile kinda freezes on your face after the first few false no-jokes..

THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS

5 Star

TOP

THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS

Release: 1953 – Review: 28 Jul 05
There Were Giants In Those Days – and Harryhausen was the largest.
… little more than running, screaming and military stock footage to bridge the gaps between monster scenes.

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN

4 Star

TOP

THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN

Release: Aug 56 – Review: 13 May 17
Rex Mex.
Cowboys and dinosaurs!

BEASTS OF NO NATION

7 Star

TOP

BEASTS OF NO NATION

Release: Oct 15 – Review: 22 Nov 15
All Beasts, All Nations.
… allows us to see through the eyes of innocence the insanity of man against man for no apparent reason.

THE BEAVER

8 Star

TOP

THE BEAVER

Release: May 11 – Review: 10 Sep 11
Puppetheart.
… it’s cute, it’s furry, it’s got a big mouth and it’s slightly insane – but enough about Mel Gibson.

BEDTIME STORIES

3 Star

TOP

BEDTIME STORIES

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 26 Jun 09
Wish it into the Cornfield.
Idiotic and contradictory messages fly at us like fart jokes in a movie bankrupt of ideas…

BEERFEST

7 Star

TOP

BEERFEST

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 25 Mar 09
Roaring, Rogering, Gorging and Puking… sign me up.
… as quirkily funny as it is quakingly stupid, chock full of pissing, puking, belching, swilling, swearing, skulling, vomiting and giant jugs. Of beer.

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD width=

7 Star

TOP

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 27 Jan 09
Doing the business on the family business.
Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD succeeds on its tortured performances…

THE BEGUILED

8 Star

TOP

THE BEGUILED

Release: May 71 – Review: 28 Aug 11
… like a woman scorned. And another… and another… and another.
Clint Eastwood fights for his life behind enemy lines! Yes, he’s trapped in a school full of women!

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

9 Star

TOP

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

Release: Sep 99 – Review: 17 Jun 06
The Importance Of Being Malkovich.
For originality alone, it deserves the highest accolades. Like its eponymous subject matter, it is inexplicable and indefinable.

THE BENCHWARMERS

1 Star

TOP

THE BENCHWARMERS

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 6 Sep 13
Man-ginas Assemble!
… turns America’s Favorite Pastime into America’s Favorite Asstime.

BEOWULF

6 Star

TOP

BEOWULF

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Jan 08
So Close… Yet So Beowulf.
… definitely extraordinary – in one sense. And definitely mediocre in all others….

BEWARE THE SLENDERMAN

4 Star

TOP

BEWARE THE SLENDERMAN

Release: Mar 16 – Review: 24 Jan 17
Beware the Stupidman.
… not sure whether it wants to be a documentary about two Wisconsin girls attempting murder, or a horror movie about a creature that might be real.

BIG – BOR

THE BIG CHILL

7 Star

TOP

THE BIG CHILL

Release: Sep 83 – Review: 6 Nov 05
Nostalgia Comes Cold-Calling.
… lord help us all if we didn’t relate to these 1980-something characters, with their yuppie elitism and consumerist élan…

BIG DADDY

2 Star

TOP

BIG DADDY

Release: Jun 99 – Review: 5 Aug 06
Daddy Stupidest.
At its worst, it stoops to asinine scripting and punchlining gays – and there’s that Rob Schneider thing.

BIG FAN

7 Star

TOP

BIG FAN

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 7 Aug 10
Drama is Easy, Comedy is Hard.
I’m no fan of Patton Oswalt as a comedian. But what a remarkable dramatic actor!

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

8 Star

TOP

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Release: Mar 98 – Review: 12 Jun 11
The Book of Duderonemy.
Jeff Bridges brings a breezy effortlessness to The Dude that is the heart, soul and hash pipe of this culture-gasm…

BIG NIGHT

10 Star

TOP

BIG NIGHT

Release: Sep 96 – Review: 18 Apr 17
Thought for Food.
… poignant, funny story of two Italian brothers risking it all on one feast that might save their failing Italian restaurant.

BIGFOOT 2012

1 Star

TOP

BIGFOOT 2012

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 14 Jun 14
Big Foot In Mouth.
Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT!

BILL COSBY: FAR FROM FINISHED

5 Star

TOP

BILL COSBY: FAR FROM FINISHED

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 25 Nov 13
Far From Funny.
Cosby simply spends his time railing about his kids annoying him and the emasculation of himself in his marriage. Heard it 30 years ago, Bill.

BILLY MADISON

1 Star

TOP

BILLY MADISON

Release: Feb 95 – Review: 21 Jul 07
For Moron Eyes Only.
…Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to give him.

BIRDMAN

8 Star

TOP

BIRDMAN

Release: Nov 14 – Review: 5 Dec 14
The Birdman Flyeth Higheth.
…if not a game-changer, one of those films that comes along once in a long while that rattles the cages of cinema.

THE BIRTH OF A NATION

4 Star

TOP

THE BIRTH OF A NATION

Release: Mar 1915 – Review: 16 Feb 10
The Bitch Of A Nation.
Nearly a century after its release it stands today on the horns of a grand dichotomy: that of being a pioneering film – and a racist piece of shit.

BIUTIFUL

10 Star

TOP

BIUTIFUL

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 6 Feb 12
Melancholia all over ya.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s gritty film … will take you to another level of wrist-slash.

BLACK MASS

7 Star

TOP

BLACK MASS

Release: Sep 15 – Review: 24 Sep 15
In the Name of da Fahder, da Son, and da Hollywood Spirit…
… aims to pinpoint the people and motivations behind the matrix of collusion that rose up in South Boston in the late ’70s, with Whitey Bulger at its hub.

BLACK OR WHITE

7 Star

TOP

BLACK OR WHITE

Release: Jan 15 – Review: 23 Sep 15
Kevin Or Costner.
… if everyone else is an eagle, Kevin Costner is the International Space Station. We cannot wrench our eyes from his onscreen presence.

BLACK SNAKE MOAN

5 Star

TOP

BLACK SNAKE MOAN

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 31 Mar 07
Soft-Porn Groan.
If you really want a porno, watch a porno. Yet pornography (albeit heavily diluted) is this film’s only selling point…

BLACK SWAN

9 Star

TOP

BLACK SWAN

Release: Dec 10 – Review: 13 Sep 12
Swan Quake.
… not only an edgy psychodrama, it actually makes ballet watchable!

BLADES OF GLORY

6 Star

TOP

BLADES OF GLORY

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 15 Jul 10
On thin ice.
How much gayer can BLADES OF GLORY possibly be? Answer: None more gay.

THE BLAIR WITH PROJECT

8 Star

TOP

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Release: Jul 99 – Review: 18 Dec 14
True Horror: no budget!
… made the world realize that you didn’t need the 50 million dollar budget and the craft services and the trailers and stylists, or even stars – just a load of creativity, resourcefulness and big balls.

BLOB

4 Star

TOP

BLOB

Release: Sep 58 – Review: 18 Sep 11
The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich.
… could have been a truly terrifying thriller, rather than a breezy cult novelty, as the formless, mindless eponymous entity is never explained.

BLINDNESS

7 Star

TOP

BLINDNESS

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 15 Mar 11
Looking Good.
… unflinchingly explores the ramifications of how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise?

BLOOD DIAMOND

8 Star

TOP

BLOOD DIAMOND

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 24 Jan 07
A Rough in the Diamond.
… supposedly an indictment against this black market bingo, I doubt Leo’s goatee, Jennifer’s teats or Djimon’s mandingo will influence real world buyers into only purchasing “conflict-free” gems.

BLOOD WORK

6 Star

TOP

BLOOD WORK

Release: Aug 02 – Review: 11 Mar 10
Anemic Harry.
If Dirty Harry was a heart transplant patient.

BLUE LAGOON

4 Star

TOP

BLUE LAGOON

Release: Jul 80 – Review: 6 Sep 10
Tarzan II: Electric Boogaloo.
… cannot possibly deliver on any level that would satisfy (oh, don’t say ‘satisfy’!) its target audience of 15-year-old boys with unbidden rock hard… imaginations.

BODY OF LIES

7 Star

TOP

BODY OF LIES

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 12 Sep 09
Pants on Fire!
… all it takes is two hunky Americans to put it past the towelheads and almost win the War on Terror.

BOEING BOEING

4 Star

TOP

BOEING BOEING

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 13 Sep 08
Laughing all the way to the skank.
A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy.

BOLT

6 Star

TOP

BOLT

Release: Nov 08 – Review: 27 Jun 09
O.D. on QT.
If cuteness ever becomes a sin, this movie is going straight to hell.

THE BOOK OF ELI

8 Star

TOP

THE BOOK OF ELI

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 9 Feb 10
When Gunslingers Get Religion.
In a surprising display of controlled storytelling by Gary Whitta, THE BOOK OF ELI is about religion – but it ain’t religious.

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

5 Star

TOP

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Release: Jan 00 – Review: 8 May 11
In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino.
… two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey justice and hero angles.

BORAT

8 Star

TOP

BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN

Release: Nov 06 – Review: 11 Dec 06
For Make Laugh on Jew and Retard.
Never has been a movie exposing more people so red of neck or so mong of loid.

BOU – BUT

THE BOUNTY HUNTER

5 Star

TOP

THE BOUNTY HUNTER

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 5 Jan 11
Apathy on the Bounty.
She hates him. He hates her. They drive each other crazy… Of COURSE they get back together; it’s a White American Romantic Comedy.

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

7 Star

TOP

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

Release: Jun 02 – Review: 23 Feb 09
Bourne To Do It.
Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that’s his name.

THE BOURNE LEGACY

4 Star

TOP

THE BOURNE LEGACY

Release: Aug 12 – Review: 1 Sep 16
The Bourne Non-Identity.
… a story about what was done to make Jason Bourne what he is, and how it affects a B-Lister. Like we care.

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

6 Star

TOP

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 16 Mar 09
Bourne Again.
… like tripping down a flight of stairs, getting up and tripping again.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

6 Star

TOP

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 16 Mar 09
Badass Bourne becomes Mild Matty.
Another karate chop to the Spock Nerve, another car chase through crowded streets with no liability insurance, another amoral superspy whining over his lost humanity…

THE BOX

7 Star

TOP

THE BOX

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 15 Mar 10
Filmmaking Outside The Box.
DONNIE DARKO meets INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS..

BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA

7 Star

TOP

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

Release: Nov 92 – Review: 8 Jan 11
Delicious – with a hint of sour Keanu.
… Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T.

BRAVE

6 Star

TOP

BRAVE

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 9 Nov 13
That hair! That hair! That hair!… What story?
… Princess Merida is graced with ravenous lava locks so visually titillating it distracts viewers into lauding the movie as a modern classic. You lost me at soft porn cartoon.

THE BRAVE ONE

6 Star

TOP

THE BRAVE ONE

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 13 Sep 08
Sexy Bronson.
… not compelling enough to stand as tall as DEATH WISH.

BRAVEHEART

9 Star

TOP

BRAVEHEART

Release: May 95 – Review: 17 Mar 11
Mel gets medieval on our asses.
Mel Gibson brings the thunder as revolutionary Scotsman William Wallace, historical figure made mythical mantoy…

BREACH

5 Star

TOP

BREACH

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 29 Apr 08
Scapegoat for a far more evil government.
George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s Amerika offers absolutely zero moral high ground to crow about OTHER people selling secrets to enemies.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

6 Star

TOP

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Release: Feb 85 – Review: 4 Jan 09
The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweeby of Teen Angst.
It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN in detention with hormones.

BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE

9 Star

TOP

BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE

Release: Jan 08 – Review: 8 Jan 15
Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo!
BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls.

BRICK MANSIONS

4 Star

TOP

BRICK MANSIONS

Release: Apr 14 – Review: 13 Mar 15
Brick-headed, flat-footed, Paul Walkered.
Another plodding American remake of a blast furnace European film.

BRIDESMAIDS

3 Star

TOP

BRIDESMAIDS

Release: May 11 – Review: 21 Jan 11
Marriage of heaven and hell.
… advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

6 Star

TOP

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 19 Jan 06
Brokeback Mountin’: a true American Love Story (formulaic, cliched and dull).
THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives…

BROTHERS

8 Star

TOP

BROTHERS

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 6 Dec 10
Broham Interruptus.
Don’t you just hate it when your brother goes off to war and he supposedly gets killed, and you start putting the moves on his wife, and then he comes back? Don’t you just hate that?!

BRUNO

8 Star

TOP

BRUNO

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 15 Aug 09
Social Commentary with a Depilated Sphincter.
Exactly like BORAT, only gayer.

BUCKET LIST

5 Star

TOP

BUCKET LIST

Release: Jan 08 – Review: 19 Sep 08
Kicking it Old School.
Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson go on a green screen tour of the world.

BULLET TO THE HEAD

6 Star

TOP

BULLET TO THE HEAD

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 26 Jul 13
Bullets On The Brain.
… claws for a foothold amongst ’80’s mismatched buddy pics. And slips off, banging its head on lack of chemistry.

THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

2 Star

TOP

THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 27 Apr 14
Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute.
… in the grand tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting.

BURIED

8 Star

TOP

BURIED

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 31 Jan 12
Grave Trouble.
One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here!

BURN AFTER READING

6 Star

TOP

BURN AFTER READING

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 24 Feb 09
Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels.
At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast.

BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE

5 Star

TOP

BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE

Release: May 07 – Review: 23 May 08
Bury the Truth at Wounded Knee.
… yet another White-Perspective slur-fest that dishonors that wild race with every bigoted frame.

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT

7 Star

TOP

THE BUTTERFLY EFFET

Release: Jan 04 – Review: 13 Apr 06
The Teen Model Effect.
… based on chaos theory in the same way that Achy Breaky Heart is based on Bohemian Rhapsody.