CAB – CHI

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

5 Star

TOP

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Release: Apr 12 – Review: 29 Jul 13
A Hip New Reason for Tired Old Slayings.
… about four painfully pretty college kids (and one Shaggy) being slasher-slain by zombies at said cabin.

THE CABLE GUY

7 Star

TOP

THE CABLE GUY

Release: Jun 96 – Review: 10 Apr 04
Cable for Nothin’ and your Guilt for Free.
… misunderstood by critics and panned by mongoloid fans who only wanted more Ace to sit on their face…

CADDYSHACK

4 Star

TOP

CADDYSHACK

Release: Jul 80 – Review: 13 Nov 10
No follow through.
Yes, I know CADDYSHACK has entered the vernacular as a comedy classic, but it’s about as boring as watching golf.

CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC

3 Star

TOP

CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC

Release: Jun 80 – Review: 26 Jul 14
Please Stop The Music.
… did anyone take aside the manager of the Village People and say, “Uh, don’t.”?

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY

8 Star

TOP

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 11 Sep 10
Too Big to Nail.
A step towards putting these crooks away would be for laypeople to stop using the term “white collar crime” as if it means Shit-Don’t-Stink.

CAPOTE

7 Star

TOP

CAPOTE

Release: Sep 05 – Review: 2 Apr 07
The movie about the book about the murders.
Published in 1965, this revolutionary book would make Capote the most famous writer in America. And it would suck his soul bone dry.

CAPRICORN ONE

1 Star

TOP

CAPRICORN ONE

Release: 1978 – Review: 4 Oct 05
Idiotic fodder for Moon Landing conspiracy theorist idiots.
Conspiracy Theorists must have thrown a week-long booze-up when this movie hit cinemas…

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

6 Star

TOP

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Release: Jul 11 – Review: 18 Nov 11
Red, White and Boob.
The red, white and blue avenger, in the best comicbook movie of the decade – and by that I mean, it’s lightweight and predictable and aimed at twelve-year-olds.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

7 Star

TOP

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

Release: Apr 14 – Review: 5 May 14
Flying High on Red White and Hooey.
… while despotic oligarchy comes waving the flag of democracy, Captain America returns to punch things.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

7 Star

TOP

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

Release: May 16 – Review: 14 Aug 16
Captain America: Bromance War.
Captain America versus Iron Man in a battle to the bromosexual.

CARNAGE

7 Star

TOP

CARNAGE

Release: Nov 11 – Review: 7 May 14
Pwnage.
Two couples whose sons were involved in a school fight meet to discuss how to deal with their sons. And fight.

CARRIE

7 Star

TOP

CARRIE

Release: Nov 76 – Review: 20 Sep 15
Unholiest, Bloodiest, Blondest.
Startling gouts of life-giving/death-dealing blood. And in between – menstruation, high school, and religious dementia. A true horror movie.

CARRIE 2002

4 Star

TOP

CARRIE 2002

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 19 Sep 15
Snoozefest in Red.
… TV movie remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma feature film, from the Stephen King novel of the same name. And it shows.

CARRIE 2013

6 Star

TOP

CARRIE 2013

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 22 Sep 15
Rebooted and Reblonded.
The classic Stephen King novel is remade for a new generation of bullied hot girls.

CASABLANCA

6 Star

TOP

CASABLANCA

Release: Nov 42 – Review: 17 Apr 10
We’ll Always Have Overacting.
… a talky cardboard romance thriller, with overacting threatening to send us into a melodramatic swoon…

CA$H 2010

7 Star

TOP

CA$H 2010

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 31 May 14
Where Ethics meets Greed – and Greed wins.
An enjoyable thriller about a suitcase of cash being found by a young couple. And the young couple being found by the owner of the suitcase.

CASINO ROYALE

8 Star

TOP

CASINO ROYALE

Release: Nov 06 – Review: 8 May 07
Old Spy, New World, Tight Arse.
International espionage will never be the same. It is now certifiably MAN-HOT.

CASPER

6 Star

TOP

CASPER

Release: May 95 – Review: 20 May 17
Ghostly Brio.
He’s the friendliest ghost you know. No, not Patrick Swayze – Casper, The Friendly Ghost.

CAST AWAY

8 Star

TOP

CAST AWAY

Release: Dec 00 – Review: 20 Oct 05
A Breath Of Fresh Island Air.
Chuck discovers the basics of survival with a learning curve so slow we would not be criticized in questioning his mental aptitude. But he’s not retarded, he’s just modern.

CATWOMAN

2 Star

TOP

CATWOMAN

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 22 Nov 05
Pussy Galore.
Sensually clobbering bad guys and good guys alike, in her quest to beat out Debi Diamond as the World’s Biggest Whore…

THE CHALLENGER DISASTER

7 Star

TOP

THE CHALLENGER DISASTER

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 30 Nov 13
Hubris Greed Politics vs. Genius.
Indepth chronicle of Dr. Richard Feynman’s investigation into the Space Shuttle Challenger’s 1986 explosion.

THE CHANGE-UP

6 Star

TOP

THE CHANGE-UP

Release: Aug 11 – Review: 10 Dec 11
Another change-up, another plage-up.
… from the venal plagiarists in the Hollywood Cookie Cutter Industrial Complex who have the audacity to call themselves writers.

CHANGELING

7 Star

TOP

CHANGELING

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 6 May 09
A Child of Conspiracy.
CHANGELING is based on a true story, but I think it’s fiction. I mean, come on – Angelina Jolie with only ONE child?

THE CHANGELING

8 Star

TOP

THE CHANGELING

Release: Mar 80 – Review: 11 Oct 10
Haunting in Every Way.
Here you will find all the classic ingredients that went into the best horror stories that ever made you brown your pants as a kid.

CHAPLIN

7 Star

TOP

CHAPLIN

Release: Dec 92 – Review: 12 Apr 11
The Man, The Myth, The Trousers.
Robert Downey Jr. runs around like a madman, knocks things over and falls down a lot. And in CHAPLIN, he gets to do all that without being arrested…

CHAPPIE

7 Star

TOP

CHAPPIE

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 13 Apr 15
Slumdog versus Wolverine in REAL STEEL 2: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOOGALOO.
… science fiction about to turn the corner into science fact.

CHARIOTS OF FIRE

7 Star

TOP

CHARIOTS OF FIRE

Release: Oct 81 – Review: 7 Nov 09
The Race Between Religion and Spirit.
… two real life British runners in the 1924 Paris Olympics, who run for very different reasons – one against the reality of racism, one for the non-reality of religionism.

CHARIOTS OF THE GODS

7 Star

TOP

CHARIOTS OF THE GODS

Release: Apr 70 – Review: 4 Aug 14
Of The Clods…
Long before Giorgio’s ANCIENT ALIENS, just before Leonard Nimoy’s IN SEARCH OF…, there was Erich von Daniken’s jam-packed movie from the compelling 1968 book of the same name,

CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR

6 Star

TOP

CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 22 Nov 08
Owned By His Own War.
… before George W. Bush lost 190,000 guns in Iraq – there was Tom Hanks, selling weapons to the Mujahideen.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS FULL THROTTLE

1 Star

TOP

CHARLIE’S ANGEL FULL THROTTLE

Release: Jun 03 – Review: Dec 04
Too much style IS a bad thing.
… heroines for an arse-tattooed generation of over-fed, class-less, prepubescent, poorly-educated future streetwalkers?

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN

1 Star

TOP

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN

Release: Dec 03 – Review: 7 Nov 05
Children Of The Damned.
When Ashton Kutcher is the funniest thing in your movie, it’s time to re-assess everything you hold dear.

CHICKEN RUN

6 Star

TOP

CHICKEN RUN

Release: Jun 00 – Review: 28 Nov 10
Eggs over easy.
THE GREAT ESCAPE meets KFC.

CHILDREN OF MEN

9 Star

TOP

CHILDREN OF MEN

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 16 Feb 07
Brave New Future Shocker.
There is something in CHILDREN OF MEN to offend almost everyone – which is why it is so powerful. It fears no one.

CHR – COR

CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER AND BLACKER

8 Star

TOP

CHRIS ROCK: BIGGER AND BLACKER

Release: Jul 99 – Review: 8 Feb 14
The Biggest and Blackest!
… Rock paces like a jungle cat, spitting like a raptor, his lexicon that of the mean streets, shotgunning his social commentary like an American prophet.

CHRIS ROCK: BRING THE PAIN

9 Star

TOP

CHRIS ROCK: BRING THE PAIN

Release: Jun 96 – Review: 30 Sep 15
The Shotgun Monologues.
… the type of truthful, harrowing street comedy that breaks barriers and makes superstars.

CHRIS ROCK: NEVER SCARED

8 Star

TOP

CHRIS ROCK: NEVER SCARED

Release: Apr 04 – Review: 27 Aug 13
Fearless and Peerless.
A touch of Cosby, a sprinkle of Pryor – and a slam of Rock.

CHRIS TUCKER LIVE

4 Star

TOP

CHRIS TUCKER LIVE

Release: Jul 15 – Review: 19 Jul 15
Falling Down While Standing Up.
Chris Tucker regales us with the type of comedy that would be heckled unforgivingly in smaller clubs.

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

1 Star

TOP

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

Release: Nov 04 – Review: 25 Dec 09
Dreaming of a Fight Christmas.
… about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

6 Star

TOP

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 15 Aug 09
The Lyin,’ The Snitch and the Whored Road.
Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

4 Star

TOP

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

Release: May 08 – Review: 8 Feb 10
The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen.
… nothing more than battle after battle, broken up by boring slow passages where people whine about Aslan the Lion not being around.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

2 Star

TOP

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

Release: Dec 10 – Review: 21 Dec 13
Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar.
… where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in.

CITY LIGHTS

7 Star

TOP

CITY LIGHTS

Release: Mar 31 – Review: 17 Oct 11
To be a Saint in the City.
… Chaplin’s now-customary clockwork staging of inventive sight gags played with the energy of machete-ing through a jungle.

A CIVIL ACTION

8 Star

TOP

A CIVIL ACTION

Release: Jan 99 – Review: 26 Dec 10
Justice IS blind – so can’t see Truth.
… good or bad has nothing to do with the outcome of court cases. It’s how you play the game. If you can afford to be in the game in the first place.

CLASH OF THE TITANS

6 Star

TOP

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Release: Jun 81 – Review: 2 Sep 14
Titan-ic Kraka-lacken.
Greek mythology explodes in Harryhausen splendor!

CLASH OF THE TITANS 2010

6 Star

TOP

CLASH OF THE TITANS 2010

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 21 Nov 10
Hash of the Titans.
Liam Neeson and Sam Worthington try to out-act special effects. Fail. 16-year-old boys rejoice.

CLASS ACTION

7 Star

TOP

CLASS ACTION

Release: Mar 91 – Review: 1 Feb 11
Class with a capital L.
… all the unrealistic courtroom shouting and eleventh-hour reveals, but our attention is more focused on the drama between the father and daughter attorneys on opposing sides of the case.

THE CLIMATE REALITY PROJECT

7 Star

TOP

THE CLIMATE REALITY PROJECT

Release: Sep 11 – Review: 16 Sep 11
The Krypton Syndrome.
… Al Gore talks up a storm. About storms. And droughts. And melting ice caps, and raging fires; the global climate shift…

CLOUD ATLAS

7 Star

TOP

CLOUD ATLAS

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 19 Jul 13
Cloudy with a chance of Atlas.
… six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one.

CLOVERFIELD

4 Star

TOP

CLOVERFIELD

Release: Jan 08 – Review: 16 Sep 08
BLAIR WITCH meets GODZILLA meets YouTube.
After all the mundanity of a monster knocking over buildings, they dial it down to the level of boring chick-rescue movie.

THE COBBLER

7 Star

TOP

THE COBBLER

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 9 Feb 17
These Boots are Made for Transmogrifying.
… a parable of what it might feel like “walking a mile in another man’s shoes.” If that man was Adam Sandler. Uh-oh.

COLD SOULS

8 Star

TOP

COLD SOULS

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 26 Mar 10
Hauntingly hilarious.
A darker journey than ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND and a blacker comedy than BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, COLD SOULS is a disturbing, unique gem of a movie.

COLIN QUINN: UNCONSTITUTIONAL

8 Star

TOP

COLIN QUINN: UNCONSTITUTIONAL

Release: Feb 15 – Review: 15 Sep 15
Deconstructionist Instructionist.
Colin Quinn flexes his brain bone – and incites Americans to flex theirs – in this refreshingly intelligent take on the U.S. constitution.

 COME ON GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY STORY

2 Star

TOP

COME ON GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY STORY

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 7 Feb 09
The Trials of Talent, The Farce of Fame (oh, spare me!).
A travesty at best; at worst, some form of mild brain damage.

 CON AIR

4 Star

TOP

CON AIR

Release: Jun 97 – Review: 26 Apr 08
Just Another Con.
… lots and lots and lots and lots of Pretty Orange Explosions and guys diving in slow motion while shooting big guns…

 CONAN THE BARBARIAN

4 Star

TOP

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Release: May 82 – Review: 3 Jul 11
Save a Barbaric Yawp for me.
… padded to the trapezius with trekking across deserts, religious cult rites, faux-philosophy around campfires and Arnold posing.

 CONAN THE DESTROYER

3 Star

TOP

CONAN THE DESTROYER

Release: Jun 84 – Review: 27 Sep 16
Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move).
… lots of horrendous acting and baby sword fighting make it worth watching if you are in the mood for a riotous comedy.

 CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011

6 Star

TOP

CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011

Release: Aug 11 – Review: 19 Dec 11
Muscles, magic, tits and blood.
… Momoa perfectly embodies Robert E. Howard’s fictional medieval warrior, muscles thrumming, brain on standby, dick locked in the upright position.

 THE CONSPIRATOR

7 Star

TOP

THE CONSPIRATOR

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 12 Sep 12
The SYSTEM is the Conspiracy!
… the men representing justice are more fanatical, bloodthirsty and conspiratorial than the conspirators they are sending up the river…

 CONSTANTINE

3 Star

TOP

CONSTANTINE

Release: Feb 05 – Review: 21 Apr 06
Inconstantine.
Directed by Music Video Director to the Sluts, Francis Lawrence (Britney, Janet, J-Lo), the roaring beauty of this movie is tempered by its dangerous stupidities.

 CONTACT

8 Star

TOP

CONTACT

Release: Jul 97 – Review: 31 Oct 05
Buried within The Message from Vega – The Message from Sagan.
… a more intelligent vision of extra-terrestrial communication with our outer-spiral-arm planet.

 CORALINE

8 Star

TOP

CORALINE

Release: Feb 09 – Review: 14 Feb 09
Alice in Wonderland meets Alice Cooper.
This movie scared the pants off me. Which in turn, scared young children and women with small hips, as I walked out of the theater, pantless.

THE CORE

2 Star

TOP

THE CORE

Release: Mar 03 – Review: 14 Aug 05
Anthropocentric Spin.
Was the “science consultant” on this movie an actual scientist or a guy that read too many comicbooks?

COS – CYR

 COSMOS

9 Star

TOP

COSMOS

Release: Sep 80 – Review: 20 Jul 11
The real Encyclopaedia Galactica.
… Sagan bringing together strands of philosophy, sociology and science into a fascinating wrecking ball of entertaining intellectualism.

 COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 1

6 Star

TOP

COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 1

Release: Mar 14 – Review: 25 Mar 14
COSMOS Lite for the generation of attention-deficit gamesters.
… new knowledge gleaned from scientific experiment over the last 34 years since the debut of Carl Sagan’s turtleneck in COSMOS 1980.

 COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 2

6 Star

TOP

COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 2

Release: Mar 14 – Review: 25 Mar 14
COSMOS continues treading H2O.
COSMOS 2014 has a lot to live up to. And it lives up to… some.

COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY

8 Star

TOP

COSMOS: A SPACETIME ODYSSEY

Release: Mar 14 – Review: 1 Apr 14
Starstuff Redux.
… 2014 “reboot” to Carl Sagan’s 1980 momument, COSMOS.

 COUPLES RETREAT

5 Star

TOP

COUPLES RETREAT

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 20 Mar 10
Club Med(iocre).
… dull excursion into the high maintenance of couplehood.

 COURAGE UNDER FIRE

5 Star

TOP

COURAGE UNDER FIRE

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 21 Apr 11
Gutless Under Cliché.
… in which universe will America ever make a movie where a Medal of Honor is investigated and NOT awarded?

 COWBOYS AND ALIENS

5 Star

TOP

COWBOYS AND ALIENS

Release: Jul 11 – Review: 17 Dec 11
A shallow ripple in the Force.
Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie?

CRANK

6 Star

TOP

CRANK

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 13 Sep 06
Crank-y.
Super stylish. Super amped. Super shallow.

THE CRAZIES

4 Star

TOP

THE CRAZIES 2010

Release: Feb 10 – Review: 10 Jul 11
Crazy like a pox.
… the usual romp of jump-scares and gross-out killings and people with makeup that looks like a KFC factory exploded on their faces…

CRAZY HEART

7 Star

TOP

CRAZY HEART

Release: Feb 10 – Review: 28 Nov 10
The Dude Abides.
Unlike Jeff Lebowski, Bad Blake is slightly older, slightly more talented, and slightly more confused.

CREATION

7 Star

TOP

CREATION

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 16 Jan 11
And Darwin said, “Let there be light!” And there was light!
The battle between Good (intelligence) and Evil (the church) is ramped up when Charles Darwin arrives at the epiphany that evolution is driven by natural selection…

 CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

4 Star

TOP

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON

Release: Mar 54 – Review: 27 Dec 12
Monsters as men and chicks as objects.
How dare any Americans laugh at Japanese GODZILLA movies after creating this wild piece of trash cinema?

CREED

7 Star

TOP

CREED

Release: Nov 15 – Review: 26 Dec 15
Apollo’s CREED.
Sylvester Stallone takes on the role that made Burgess Meredith famous – cantankerous old fart who trains a contender.

 THE CREEPING TERROR

1 Star

TOP

THE CREEPING TERROR

Release: 1964 – Review: 18 Nov 05
Don’t Fear The Creeper.
… would have remained in its Z-Movie graveyard were it not for the notoriety it achieved via its skewering on MST 3K.

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

7 Star

TOP

CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

Release: Oct 89 – Review: 15 Sep 14
Comedy is easy, getting murdered is easier.
Finding yourself – even if you find you’re a murderer – is the best discovery of all. Sunshine, orchestra swell, tears…

 CRIMINAL

7 Star

TOP

CRIMINAL

Release: Oct 04 – Review: 21 Jul 08
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Pleasure.
… the twisty storyline in CRIMINAL comes at you via a night-stick to the back of the knees.

 CROCODILE DUNDEE

7 Star

TOP

CROCODILE DUNDEE

Release: Sep 86 – Review: 20 May 06
From Barbecued Shrimps to New York Pimps and Boyfriend Wimps.
… refreshing enough in its simplicity and sincerity to garner itself a little shelf life in the Tarzan pantheon.

 CROCODILE DUNDEE II

6 Star

TOP

CROCODILE DUNDEE II

Release: May 88 – Review: 13 Aug 06
A Crock of Croc.
CROCODILE DUNDEE II takes all that was good about the original and, like most sequels, ignores it.

 CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES

4 Star

TOP

CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES

Release: Apr 01 – Review: 25 Jun 10
Jumping the croc.
After Steve Irwin redefined the term Crocodile Hunter to mean conservationist and all-round noyce goy, Paul Hogan’s seedy crocodile poacher character became irrelevant.

 CROCODILE HUNTER COLLISION COURSE

4 Star

TOP

CROCODILE HUNTER COLLISION COURSE

Release: Jul 02 – Review: 12 Aug 07
Madman Across the Water.
The plot is quite irrelevant, as it is Steve’s animal magnetism that propels the film.

THE CROODS

7 Star

TOP

THE CROODS

Release: Mara 13 – Review: 9 Oct 14
Crood. Rhymes with Good.
… once it starts paying off, it bonks us over the head like a caveman scoring his mate.

THE CROSSING GUARD

8 Star

TOP

THE CROSSING GUARD

Release: Nov 95 – Review: 6 Dec 09
Redemption: always in the last place you look.
What a brilliant little gem of a movie! An emotional wallop to the weeping nerve.

CRY FREEDOM

7 Star

TOP

CRY FREEDOM

Release: Nov 87 – Review: 9 May 11
Slaving for Freedom.
Another man of peace killed by men of ignorance.

CRY WILDERNESS

7 Star

TOP

CRY WILDERNESS

Release: Feb 87 – Review: 8 May 17
Big Mistake Afoot.
… the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

6 Star

TOP

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 17 Aug 09
Youth is wasted on the Pitt.
… like FORREST GUMP for opposite-aging freaks.

CYRUS

4 Star

TOP

CYRUS

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 19 Dec 10
Hell hath no fury like an Oedipal Complex scorned.
Jonah Hill hasn’t been taking his Oedipal Complex pills!