DA – DEA
Release: May 06 – Review: 6 Jun 06
The Gospel According To Fluke.
THE DA VINCI CODE – for all its touting of “shaking the foundations of Christianity”- is just not all that compelling.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 7 Jan 15
Alpha versus Alfalfa.
Milquetoast step-dad versus alpha-male real dad. In a battle to the PG-13 reconciliation.
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 2 Jan 09
Dan in Reel Life.
… it’s a waiting game for the Meet Cute. When it happens, men will run outside and vomit. It’s that egregious.
Release: Oct 00 – Review: 21 Apr 09
A Director Dancing With Himself…
… so much to offer as a drama – and keeps putting its foot in the puddle of Dumb Musical.
Release: Sep 11 – Review: 14 May 14
A Lecherous Method.
… turns what could be a grand journey into the minds of two extraordinary psychoanalysts (Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud) into angling at puss.
Release: Feb 97 – Review: 12 Aug 10
Goldeneye meets Thunderball.
If VOLCANO was the fun fun fun volcano movie of 1997, DANTE’S PEAK was its serious big brother. That doesn’t stop it being unintentionally funny.
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 13 Sep 08
Do not go gentle into that good knight…
If Batman is the untamed world, The Joker is the unbalanced world. THE DARK KNIGHT tells us humanity lives somewhere in between.
Release: Jul 12 – Review: 20 Mar 14
The Batman is tired. His wealth has been lost, he’s got a busted knee, at his age he’s probably got Low-T, and fey Eames from INCEPTION is kicking his ass.
Release: Aug 90 – Review: 14 Jan 15
Liam Neeson’s first encounter with the dark side… of acting!
Back before Sam Raimi knew how to direct, and before Liam Neeson knew how to act…
Release: Sep 81 – Review: 13 May 10
The Reich Stuff.
No debate, no discussion, no contenders – DAS BOOT is THE submarine movie for the ages.
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 1 Dec 10
A night to (kinda) remember.
… crooked cops, pervert attorneys, car chases, robberies, mobsters… and Marky Mark with his shirt off.
Release: May 1993 – Review: 18 Feb 06
… tries to illustrate what any politician can do if he were to unselfishly actually serve his country instead of himself. Refrain: “We Can Dream, Can’t We?”
Release: Feb 17 – Review: 13 Mar 17
Art Imitating Life Imitating Irony.
David Brent takes his self-financed band out on the road, for one last stab at making it. But, as one character laments, “he doesn’t really know what ‘it’ is.”
Release: May 79 – Review: 8 Nov 09
Die! And don’t come back!
… no excuse for DAWN OF THE DEAD to exist. Like its subject matter, it is a stinking corpse – yet it still walks.
Release: Jul 14 – Review: 21 Sep 14
This is the Dawning of the Age of A-Hairy-Ass…
How embarrassing! Conquered by people who don’t wear pants.
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 11 Jun 11
The Message Within.
… old-school cartooning at its best; not just the expressive, hilarious drawings, but the ideas behind them – and within them!
Release: Sep 51 – Review: 14 Dec 08
The Film that Moved the Earth.
We never find out “how” Klaatu makes the Earth stand still, but we figure it has something to do with him being wicked at algebra.
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 20 Dec 08
The Day Keanu’s Face Muscles Stood Still.
Keanu Reeves elevates his One Facial Expression Method to new levels of expressionlessness in this wooden remake of the 1951 film.
Release: Jan 10 – Review: 31 Mar 14
I vont tu harvest yor blud.
… new and interesting twists to vampire canon, however the merely adequate filmmaking and production values leave us nothing to sink our teeth into.
Release: Feb 16 – Review: 16 Dec 16
Grabbing Them By The Pussy.
… an electrodes-to-the-testicles, projectile-vomiting king slut of a film.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 4 Jul 10
Dear God! Make it stop!
Dear God, What foul transgression did humankind perpetrate to deserve this accursed movie?
Release: Feb 10 – Review: 17 Sep 12
Dear John, I never want to see you again.
Army guy, Brick Rockchest (Channing Tatum, champion mumbler) meets beach chick Blondie Cocktease (Amanda Seyfried) and they bore us to death on talk dates.
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 25 Nov 08
So bad it’s scary.
Writer-director-DP-editor, Sean Tretta, tries sincerely to make a scary movie, with ominous music, morbid concepts, old-fashioned scares (rather than CGI) – but mainly by keeping all the lights off.
Release: Apr 75 – Review: 20 Jun 14
David Carradine can always claim that he once beat up Rocky! Grasshopper versus Balboa in a battle to the ketchup.
Release: Sep 07 – Review: 29 Dec 07
… delivers a thematic punch often subsumed by this politically-gutless American society. By that I mean, in 2007 no one is willing to say out loud that revenge is sweet.
Release: Jul 74 – Review: 24 Nov 10
My one question to the muggers of New York City: Why would you pick on someone who looks like Charles Bronson?!
Release: Feb 82 – Review: 29 Nov 10
Wish it wasn’t.
Charles Bronson returns as vigilante Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH II. And we wish he hadn’t.
Release: Nov 85 – Review: 22 Apr 14
The Ambiguously Gay Gangland Mardi Gras Killings.
The funniest thing about DEATH WISH 3 is not its sincere attempt at storyline, nor its childish attempts at action-movie dynamism – it’s the street thugs who look like extras from a Pat Benatar video.
Release: Nov 87 – Review: 23 Apr 14
From duds to merely dull.
DEATH WISH 4 surprises us by actually getting close to a plot!
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 4 Feb 09
Dying is Easy, Scriptwriting is Hard.
They keep killing him because… well, this is where the illogic starts bleeding through the fabric of the writer’s nice blood-red cardigan.
DEC – DIN
Release: Nov 06 -24 Dec 09
Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off.
… about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas.
Release: Aug 89 – Review: 30 Jan 12
The Rise of Aquanetted Civilization: The Ladyboy Years.
… Spheeris turns up the volume in her definitive chronicle of the hedonistic 1980’s Southern Californian rock scene.
Release: May 98 – Review: 21 Apr 08
A meteor discovered by Frodo is speeding towards Earth and not even Bruce Willis can stop it!
Release: Apr 74 – Review: 20 Jul 14
… will live on as one of the legendary displays of musical virtuosity and ferocity.
Release: Nov 02 – Review: 29 Oct 12
In Rock Gods We Trust.
The Classic Albums series showcases the seminal 1972 Deep Purple juggernaut, Machine Head.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 25 Aug 09
In defiance of stereotypes.
… the image of the war Jew has been Auschwitz victims, sunken faces, long woolen overcoats, crumpled hats, queuing for gas chambers. DEFIANCE gives us sexyboys with machine guns, muscles and mojo.
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jun 14
The Comedian Formerly Known As Dennis Miller.
… Miller is now using his intelligence to – ironically – rail against intelligence.
Release: Oct 06 – Review: 5 Nov 06
Martin Scorcese’s Badfellas.
… a tour de force of gritty production, tightly-wound storyline, sneeringly salty language and flame-throwing acting chops.
Release: Nov 05 – Review: 18 Dec 05
Hitchcock Lite Meets Noir-ish Dark.
… a product of its times and is rife with “twists”, though is woven artfully enough so that even if you see the groaners coming, they hit note-perfect anyway…
Release: Aug 06 – Review: 9 Oct 09
Six Chicks Go Down.
… distressing, disturbing and uncomfortable in all the wrong ways that make it so right.
Release: Jul 10 – Review: 28 Jan 11
The Cute Face of Evil.
Supercute, superfluffy and superevil…
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 12 Dec 16
Ain’t Quite Despicable. And that’s not good. Is it?…
… stock love story seems tailor-made in a screenplay factory on a minion conveyor belt.
Release: Aug 99 – Review: 11 Aug 11
God of Blunder.
… a quaint enough road trip Psycho Circus with a few good gags, poorly executed – yet the whole exercise is about two decades too late.
Release: Sep 10 – Review: 9 Jan 11
Fun as sharp as pointy horns.
… well-directed, elegantly-screenplayed thriller, about five people trapped in a skyscraper elevator. One of them is the devil. [Bwohaha ha ha haaaaa!]
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 21 Mar 12
Bismillah! Nooo! We will not let you go!
In a star-making turn, Cooper plays Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday, and the body-double that Uday blackmails into his service, Latif Yahia. And they BOTH look like Freddie Mercury!
Release: May 12 – Review: 25 Jan 14
For To Make Democratize in America.
… satire on the American perception of democracy. He really has a handle on how far to poke into the redneck chest.
Release: Jun 88 – Review: 15 Apr 09
An Action Hero is Born Hard.
You know that irritating cliche: “rip-roaring rollercoaster ride”? Invented here: DIE HARD. The original and best.
Release: Jul 90 – Review: 1 May 14
… throw cliché after cliché into this stunt action boy’s movie and hope that director Renny Harlin keeps the shooting and explosions loud enough for us not to notice.
Release: Jan 11 – Review: 24 Nov 11
Bromantic dramedy with a medieval aftertaste.
… a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA.
Release: Jul 10 – Review: 21 Mar 11
Movie for Schmucks.
Steve Carell is a schmuck. And in DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, Steve Carell is a schmuck…
Release: Aug 14 – Review: 31 Dec 15
Queen of the Tyrant Lizards.
A Tyrannosaur named Sue. A government doing the same thing.
DIR – DYL
Release: Jun 67 – Review: 2 Sep 14
Cleanup on Aisle Dirty.
Explosive, action-packed, funny and filthy, THE DIRTY DOZEN is the best Boy’s Movie of the millennium!
Release: Dec 71 – Review: 25 Oct 10
Justice is DIRTY.
And a screen icon is scarred onto the face of filmdom. And the Earth is once again salted with the man-nectar of masculinity.
Release: Aug 09 – Review: 22 Aug 09
A Closer Encounter.
Like the deformed child of a documentary and a reality show; a psychodrama with a tongue-in-ass-cheek sense of black humor.
Release: Nov 04 – Review: 17 Feb 15
Run, jump, drive, shoot. Foot to the face. Popcorn.
Steven Segal and Jackie Chan and THE TRANSPORTER had an ADHD baby that spoke French. And it was called DISTRICT 13.
Release: Feb 09 – Review: 24 Feb 15
We’ll Always Have Banlieue.
Paris is burning. And only Parkour can save it.
Release: Apr 07 – Review: 27 Oct 08
Rear End Window.
Alfred Hitchcock’s REAR WINDOW for Teen Models.
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 2 May 13
Once Upon a Black Time in the White West.
Quentin Tarantino once again punches history in the face and rewrites the underdog as the alpha dog in DJANGO UNCHAINED. And says nigger a lot.
Release: Jul 91 – Review: 14 May 06
The disdain that the black hole vortex of the medical profession affords us non-medical civilians cannot be assuaged by this shallow fantasy…
Release: Jun 04 – Review: 15 Nov 05
Dodgeball Grabs Its Nuts By The Balls.
… has more going for it than just hot chicks and scrotum jokes.
Release: Apr 18 – Review: 10 Sep 14
Lady and the Tramp.
… a tenuous link between a female mutt fending for herself on the streets and his Little Tramp character fending for himself on the streets.
Release: Jul 09 – Review: 6 Mar 10
The mind of Stephen King is a terrible thing to waste.
… another great Stephen King story wasted onto the small screen.
Release: Sep 13 – Review: 22 Aug 14
Long Don Johnson.
At its heart, DON JON is a love story. But then, isn’t all porn?
Release: Oct 01 – Review: 17 Nov 09
Darkness is as Darko does…
… will quietly enmesh you in its intrigue, spiraling to a morbid climax where nothing makes sense – until everything makes sense. Or not.
Release: Dec 08 – Review: 18 Apr 09
… a writhing serpent of accusation and denial, strident hypocrisy, sexual frustration and lurid innuendo. Yes, it’s about Catholics.
Release: Oct 62 – Review: 20 Sep 14
Vote No on NO.
Back when chicks were called dames and phones were giant blocks of plastic that couldn’t play Angry Birds, the world’s greatest super spy was birthed…
Release: Feb 1931 – Review: 8 May 08
Evil’s Fruity Face.
… a mediocre 1931 movie, but the concept of the undead, blood-craving supernatural demon is so mythically instilled in the planet’s – ahem – bloodstream…
Release: Dec 00 – Review: 21 Feb 11
Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot.
Release: Dec 1995 – Review: 22 Jul 05
… tries to be a comedy, but writer-director Mel Brooks steers it as far from funny as Disneyland is from Transylvania.
Release: 1993 – Review: 24 Jun 05
Jeet Kune Don’t.
… these film-makers, who attempted to portray a pioneer who fought to elevate the martial arts film above that of B-Movie schlock, unwittingly created B-Movie schlock in the process.
Release: Mar 03 – Review: 18 Dec 11
Same Shit Different Director.
… we palpably feel the tone of King’s words in the tense, superbly-mounted first third of this film, and then seasoned King readers will feel it unravel into formulaic dross…
Release: Jul 78 – Review: 16 Jul 08
Taking McQueen’s BULLITT car-chase scene to its extremities, here is a movie ALL ABOUT the car chases.
Release: Dec 00 – Review: 11 Sep 10
Driving Mister Moron.
DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? is to Ashton Kutcher what BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is to Keanu Reeves.
Release: Nov 10 – Review: 2 Jun 13
Not exactly the road trip from hell, but DUE DATE swings so close to hell that you might as well make the detour and visit the gift shop.
Release: Nov 71 – Review: 31 Jan 14
The Original Road Warrior.
… the zenith of simplicity, effectiveness, suspense: a trucker, on a whim, goes after a lone car in this chase movie of the decade…
Release: Nov 14 – Review: 17 Oct 16
Unfunny and unfunnier too.
… another road trip, in search of another woman, with another hitman on their tail. It has everything the original movie had. Except comedy.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 2 Jan 11
… like Superman, keeps the peace – between supernatural folk and humans – in begrudging vigilantism.