E – EDG

E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

7 Star

TOP

E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

Release: Jun 82 – Review: 18 Sep 10
Attack of the Phoning Scrotums.
…immortalized by director Steven Spielberg (back when he considered aliens benign and wonderful)…

EAGLE EYE

6 Star

TOP

EAGLE EYE

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 21 Jun 09
Computer Bluesie, Computer Floosie.
Not another supercomputer that thinks humans are illogical and don’t deserve to live! When are humans gonna learn to unplug these things overnight…

EARTH TO ECHO

3 Star

TOP

EARTH TO ECHO

Release: Jul 14 – Review: 20 Mar 15
What you can do with a stolen script and one shaky camera.
Someone decided to blatantly rip off E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and SUPER 8 – two excellent movies – and mash them together with a wobble-cam.

EASTERN PROMISES

6 Star

TOP

EASTERN PROMISES

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 31 Mar 09
Broken Promises.
…early scenes do well to create an aura of uneasiness around the Russians. It falls apart just about the time we see Viggo stark frontal nekkid. You heard me, ladies…

EASY A

4 Star

TOP

EASY A

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 28 Jan 11
THE SCARLET LETTER for Generation Nerd.
How quaint: Emma Stone pastes a letter ‘A’ onto her A-cups.

EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS II: EDDIE LIVES!

2 Star

TOP

EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS II: EDDIE LIVES!

Release: Aug 89 – Review: Nov 03
Rock and Roll IS Dead.
To fully enjoy this movie, one requires a full frontal lobotomy, no exposure to the last fifty years of rock and roll and a golf club delivered at strategic intervals to the scrotum.

EDDIE MURPHY: DELIRIOUS

6 Star

TOP

EDDIE MURPHY: DELIRIOUS

Release: Aug 03 – Review: 4 Oct 15
Cosby with Swearing: Profanity Inanity.
… simplistic, innocent humor sprinkled with excellent mimicry and a conviction that belied its lack of depth.

EDDIE MURPHY: RAW

7 Star

TOP

EDDIE MURPHY: RAW

Release: Dec 87 – Review: 4 Oct 15
Bigger, brainer, braver than DELIRIOUS–and ten minutes too long.
… Murphy has matured slightly, taking on meatier issues than the fluff he posited in his 1983 standup film…

EDDIE THE EAGLE

5 Star

TOP

EDDIE THE EAGLE

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 4 Feb 17
Flying Low: Average is the new Achievement.
Eddie Edwards would overcome great odds, to end the 1988 Calgary Olympics ski jump event in, uh, last place.

EDGE OF DARKNESS

5 Star

TOP

EDGE OF DARKNESS

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 4 Jan 11
Edge of Dorkness.
… copped out with a simplistic, all-too-convenient denouement, using bullets instead of brains.

EDGE OF TOMORROW

8 Star

TOP

EDGE OF TOMORROW

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 17 Jun 14
Blunt. Cruise. Repeat.
… this GROUNDHOG DAY ripoff is constructed purely for careening our adrenaline, and careen it does, executed with verve and dynamism…

ELF – ETE

ELF

3 Star

TOP

ELF

Release: Nov 03 – Review: 14 Jun 06
Elven Hell.
Will Ferrell is funny. This movie is not. .

ELYSIUM

9 Star

TOP

ELYSIUM

Release: Aug 13 – Review: 1 Sep 13
Paradise by the Gashed Gored Light.
Part chase movie, part political coup, all class warfare in tasty armor.

EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT

1 Star

TOP

EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT

Release: Jan 06 – Review: 2 Apr 06
Why?
Dear Spoiled Byoch: Y’know, guys don’t want to hear your reasons why not. Matter of fact, guys don’t even want to know your reasons WHY.

END OF DAYS

3 Star

TOP

END OF DAYS

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 22 Sep 06
End of Intelligence.
Arnold fans will holler in joy, fans of brainless action will holler in astonishment, and Catholics will just holler.

ENTERPRISE

5 Star

TOP

ENTERPRISE

Release: Sep 01 – Review: Sep 01
First Ship, First Captain, First Mistake.
…with a Star Fleet insignia pasted to your left nipple and a flagrant lemon coloration that just screamed “boy toy” on the dance floor.

ENVY

2 Star

TOP

ENVY

Release: Apr 04 – Review: 26 Nov 05
Poo-sillanimous.
With Levinson’s loose direction and constipated performances, ENVY fails to make a splash.

THE EQUALIZER 2014

6 Star

TOP

THE EQUALIZER 2014

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 19 May 17
The Black TAKEN, featuring Home Depot Man.
Denzel has become so good in these avenger roles that we do not question the paucity of thought that went into the movie’s plot, which is hell-bent on being ten other action movies.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

7 Star

TOP

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Release: Mar 04 – Review: 3 Jun 06
ETERNAL shines then dims.
…topples from its lofty aspirations to explore the girly-man question of whether you would re-commit to someone whom you have already discerned you cannot stand.

EUROPA REPORT

7 Star

TOP

EUROPA REPORT

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 23 Jul 16
Moon Struck.
… a classy science fiction experience with imagination and guts.

EVE – EYE

EVEREST 2015

8 Star

TOP

EVEREST 2015

Release: Sep 15 – Review: 1 Aug 16
Tragedy at the top of the world.
… account of the 1996 tragedy on Everest, where a total of 15 climbers died during their summit attempt.

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

8 Star

TOP

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE

Release: Dec 78 – Review: 20 Jan 07
American Knuckle Sandwich.
Disguised as a simplistic road story, EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE is a paean to freedom…

EX MACHINA

9 Star

TOP

EX MACHINA

Release: Apr 15 – Review: 5 May 15
True Intelligence is only an artificial heartbeat away.
Somewhere between conscious and unconscious, somewhere between nature and nurture, somewhere between tits and ass, lies… EX MACHINA.

THE EXPENDABLES

5 Star

TOP

THE EXPENDABLES

Release: Aug 10 – Review: 4 Dec 10
The Man Show.
As a boy’s action-adventure movie, THE EXPENDABLES delivers, with hand-to-hand, gun-to-gun, wall-to-wall, ball-to-ball man-sweat…

THE EXPENDABLES 2

5 Star

TOP

THE EXPENDABLES 2

Release: Aug 12 – Review: 24 Aug 13
This time it’s Poisonal!
… to get Schwarzenegger, Willis and Stallone onscreen together in one shot, and to have them firing those big, big penises – I mean guns.

THE EXPENDABLES 3

6 Star

TOP

THE EXPENDABLES 3

Release: Aug 14 – Review: 30 Jul 15
The Dependable Cliché-ables.
1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie).

THE EXPERIMENT

7 Star

TOP

THE EXPERIMENT

Release: Aug 10 – Review: 6 Aug 11
Inhuman Nature IS Human Nature.
We needed a prison experiment to tell us Mankind is no better than a cage full of simians?

EXTRACT

6 Star

TOP

EXTRACT

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 7 Jul 10
Factory Space.
Judge creates a very watchable comedy – although I don’t think I can ever forgive him for Beavis and Butthead.

EYES OF THE MOTHMAN

3 Star

TOP

EYES OF THE MOTHMAN

Release: Feb 11 – Review: 18 Dec 12
Sleepy sleepy creepy creepy.
Is it possible to make a more pointless and boring documentary about something which is pretty eerie even to skeptics?

EYES WIDE SHUT

8 Star

TOP

EYES WIDE SHUT

Release: Jul 99 – Review: 18 Mar 11
Pants Wide Open.
Stanley Kubrick directs EYES WIDE SHUT with his pants wide open.