FAC – FIR

A FACE IN THE CROWD

8 Star

TOP

A FACE IN THE CROWD

Release: Jun 57 – Review: 27 Jul 14
Empty Vessel, Most Noise.
Lonesome’s hubris, coupled with his inborn ignorance, would be his downfall. See Glenn Beck.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11

9 Star

TOP

FAHRENHEIT 9/11

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 4 Sep 05
In Moore Ways Than One.
… the rejoinder to years of enduring the fascist whims of a government despicable enough to wield the specter of the long-since-razed Twin Towers as collateral.

FAIL-SAFE

10 Star

TOP

FAIL-SAFE

Release: Sep 64 – Review: 17 Sep 14
Failing at safe.
Bombing Moscow: the dream of every American chickenhawk politician during the Cold War. Bombing New York: the dream of every other country. In FAIL-SAFE, a grim parable about a war triggered due to a computer glitch, everyone’s dreams come true.

FAIR GAME

8 Star

TOP

FAIR GAME

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 23 Sep 11
Weasels of Mass Distraction.
… treatise on how the George W. Bush administration abrogated its oath by willfully exposing one of its own undercover CIA agents.

FAME 2009

5 Star

TOP

FAME 2009

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 28 Jan 10
Lame.
… flits through so many storylines and characters at the New York School of Performing Arts, it implodes with two-dimensionality.

THE FAMILY

6 Star

TOP

THE FAMILY

Release: Sep 13 – Review: 11 Mar 15
Familiar Family.
Same star, same territory, same facial expressions.

FANTASTIC FOUR

5 Star

TOP

FANTASTIC FOUR

Release: Jul 05 – Review: 5 Jul 07
Fourscore Bore.
… reasonable actors stuck in roles which afford them no time to reach (or do second takes), as the budget had to be funneled into hedonistic advertising, explosions…

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

5 Star

TOP

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Release: Jul 07 – Review: 9 Jul 07
More FOUR Bore.
… what could have been epic and disturbing is handled with gloved thumbs by director Story and egregious so-called performances…

FANTASTIC FOUR 2015

6 Star

TOP

FANTASTIC FOUR 2015

Release: Aug 15 – Review: 27 May 16
Mo’ dark, mo’ fantastic.
… an eerie discomfiture surrounding the unearthly “powers” of the protagonists, rather than blind, childish, do-gooder acceptance.

FAST & FURIOUS

3 Star

TOP

FAST & FURIOUS

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Jan 17
Too Furious To Act.
Filled with pointless vignettes and exhilarating-yet-idiotic street racing, I lost interest as soon as my chicken pot pie was ready.

FAST & FURIOUS 6

6 Star

TOP

FAST & FURIOUS 6

Release: May 13 – Review: 13 Dec 16
The Faster the Stupider.
Like NASA employing oil drillers in ARMAGEDDON, here the cops use illegal racing drivers to capture thieves who can drive fast.

FAST & FURIOUS 7

4 Star

TOP

FAST & FURIOUS 7

Release: Apr 15 – Review: 20 Dec 16
The Stupidous Furious.
Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

7 Star

TOP

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Release: Jun 01 – Review: 31 Oct 16
Brahs in Cars.
A beautiful undercover cop falls for a muscled street racer in the bromosexual actioner THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

4 Star

TOP

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

Release: Jun 06 – Review: 6 Nov 16
Driving Mister Dazey.
The story is simple and stupid, like its lead character, the villains are cardboard cutouts and the women are nothing but ornaments…

FAST FIVE

5 Star

TOP

FAST FIVE

Release: Aug 11 – Review: 14 Dec 16
America’s Fastest Crime Family.
… such a well-produced farce of gunmetal action sequences that it can almost be forgiven for its insanely idiotic plot and events. Almost.

FATHER OF THE BRIDE 1991

7 Star

TOP

FATHER OF THE BRIDE 1991

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 11 Jul 11
Bridal Cower.
… a rarity in the pantheon of White American Romantic Comedies. Firstly, because it’s watchable.

FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II

5 Star

TOP

FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II

Release: Dec 95 – Review: 11 Jul 11
The sequel doesn’t fall far from the remake.
Two pregnant chicks. What a great way to guarantee driving out the male demographic…

FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST

5 Star

TOP

FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST

Release: Apr 92 – Review: 11 Apr 10
Fairies Wear Boots.
A corporation is logging the Ferngully rainforest – and the fairies don’t like it!

FEYNMAN: THE CHALLENGER

6 Star

TOP

FEYNMAN: THE CHALLENGER

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 3 Dec 13
A Smart Guy for Dumb People.
He hung out with strippers, thugs, beatniks and thieves. And professors. His life reads like Hunter S. Thompson – without the drugs and guns.

FIFTH ELEMENT

7 Star

TOP

FIFTH ELEMENT

Release: May 97 – Review: 11 Jul 06
Slammin’, Glammin’ and Hammin’..
… critics are jealous that Euros can pull off an action blockbuster with as much brainless flair as Americans – with twice the guilty pleasure.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

5 Star

TOP

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Release: Feb 15 – Review: 11 Mar 16
Fifty Shades of Vanilla.
… what a dominant-submissive relationship looks like to someone who knows nothing about dominant-submissive relationships.

FIGHT CLUB

9 Star

TOP

FIGHT CLUB

Release: Oct 99 – Review: 22 Jan 2014
Fight is Right.
… like a foaming dog tinted slime green. Pitt looks like he’s constantly smeared in poo and Norton looks like he hasn’t slept in three weeks.

THE FIGHTER

8 Star

TOP

THE FIGHTER

Release: Dec 10 – Review: 11 Oct 11
Trailer Trash Writ Glorious.
… an underdog clawing his way to the middle echelons of a testosterone-induced inferiority-complex dick measuring competition…

FIRE DOWN BELOW

4 Star

TOP

FIRE DOWN BELOW

Release: Sep 97 – Review: 26 Feb 11
Fire Nowhere Near.
… Steven Seagal strides from one fist-fight into the next with that same expressionless expression…

FIREFLY

7 Star

TOP

FIREFLY

Release: Sep 02 – Review: 17 Nov 11
Gorram good – once you get past the rutting cheapness.
… a Wild West iconography that gives it a familiar roll around the tongue, the 1800’s Zeitgeist lending a unique spin to the space campiness.

FIREFOX

5 Star

TOP

FIREFOX

Release: Jun 82 – Review: 21 Feb 09
Foxy Harry.
… a dark horse in the Clint canon. It’s him all right, pulling all the Clint faces, slamming the same Clint right hooks – but the movie just lacks grip.

FIRST BLOOD

7 Star

TOP

FIRST BLOOD

Release: Oct 82 – Review: 1 Oct 11
The OTHER Rocky.
… a tectonic cultural groundslam, spawning the sequels that would bear the “Rambo” moniker and entrench the archetype in world consciousness.

FLA – FLY

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

9 Star

TOP

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

Release: Nov 06 – Review: 16 Nov 06
Raising Glory: the sham behind the glam.
… explores oft-neglected truths behind the accepted legends surrounding the most famous photograph of World War II…

THE FLASH 2014

5 Star

TOP

THE FLASH 2014

Release: Oct 14 – Review: 21 Oct 14
The Wimping Of A Superhero.
Slogan: “The Making of a Superhero.” But the story itself wimps out the Fastest Man Alive at every turn.

FLASH OF GENIUS

8 Star

TOP

FLASH OF GENIUS

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 8 May 09
Motor City Mad Man.
The David versus Goliath story – with David wielding an Intermittent Windshield Wiper.

FLIGHT

5 Star

TOP

FLIGHT

Release: Nov 12 – Review: 23 Jul 13
A career ruined by alcohol, a movie ruined by Alcoholics Anonymous.
FLIGHT would have remained AA (Absolutely Awesome). Instead, it skews idiotically to another AA – Alcoholics Anonymous.

FLIGHT 93

2 Star

TOP

FLIGHT 93

Release: Jan 06 – Review: 5 Jul 06
Flight of Fancy.
… would retain more credibility and tragedy were it not for the insistence of the media and families of the deceased in forcing the mantle of “hero” onto the departed.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON ONE

8 Star

TOP

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON ONE

Release: Jun 07 – Review: 8 Nov 09
Ripping Musical Yarns from slightly to the right of Down Unda.
… Tenacious D without the raunch – but just as much a spank in the groin.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON TWO

7 Star

TOP

FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS SEASON TWO

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 13 Dec 09
The Conchords still Rock the Party.
Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, the eclectic musical parody duo Flight of The Conchords, return with a passion. And a lightning bottle.

THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX

7 Star

TOP

THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 20 Sep 09
Toying with Tragedy.
It’s TWELVE ANGRY MEN trapped in the desert.

THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX 2004

6 Star

TOP

THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX 2004

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 30 Jul 11
Phoenix rising from the hashes.
… exemplary production values, so all they had to do was Not Add Dumb Stuff. Or OutKast. Guess not everyone got that memo.

FLIGHTPLAN

7 Star

TOP

FLIGHTPLAN

Release: Sep 05 – Review: 17 Nov 05
Plight Planning.
Flying high on Foster’s adrenalin alone.

THE FLY

7 Star

TOP

THE FLY

Release: Jul 58 – Review: 18 Oct 15
Insect aside.
A scientist accidentally mixes his genes with a fly – and DOESN’T become a superhero!

FOO – FUN

THE FOOT FIST WAY

5 Star

TOP

THE FOOT FIST WAY

Release: May 08 – Review: 18 Aug 09
The Foot Mouth In.
… explores themes of narcissism and self-esteem, filled with non-sequitur characters, bad actors, and jokes that Will Ferrell would find funny.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

5 Star

TOP

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Release: Apr 08 – Review: 20 Jul 11
I’ve already forgotten.
… only to find she is on the island, in the same hotel, ultimately in the room next door – with her new boyfriend. Beige, uncomfortable laughs ensue.

THE FOUNTAIN

6 Star

TOP

THE FOUNTAIN

Release: Nov 06 – Review: 1 May 08
Doubtin’ The Fountain.
Raving beauty, rabid camera angling and startlingly somber performances almost save this movie from its own convoluted and ambitious storyline…

FOUR BROTHERS

7 Star

TOP

FOUR BROTHERS

Release: Aug 05 – Review: 26 Sep 15
Four Muthas.
Four adopted brothers – two white, two black – reunite in the hood to hunt down their mother’s killer. And make a racial bonding statement.

FOUR CHRISTMASES

5 Star

TOP

FOUR CHRISTMASES

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 20 Dec 11
Four times the noxious.
… combines the nausea of a christmas movie with the gut-belching dementia of a marriage-is-awesome movie.

THE FOURTH KIND

2 Star

TOP

THE FOURTH KIND

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 19 Dec 2010.
Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind: Idiocy.
… ripped directly from Whitley Strieber’s 1987 book Communion – people under hypnosis “remembering” being abducted. Consequently – it is just as silly.

FRENCH KISS

3 Star

TOP

FRENCH KISS

Release: May 95 – Review: 6 Jun 09
French Crass.
Ryan is so ingenuously irritating and cloying and provincial and desperate and ugly it is no wonder she had that facelift that destroyed her face and career.

FREQUENCY

5 Star

TOP

FREQUENCY

Release: Apr 00 – Review: 5 Jan 10
Radio Da Da.
And we thought BACK TO THE FUTURE covered all the angles of going back in time to change the present!

FRIDAY THE 13TH

4 Star

TOP

FRIDAY THE 13TH

Release: May 80 – Review: 1 Nov 09
Lucky Number 13.
This might not be the original Stupid Knife-Kill Movie (HALLOWEEN holds that crown) – but it’s definitely one of the stupidest.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

3 Star

TOP

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Release: Oct 63 – Review: 19 Dec 16
From Russia With Leering.
… the inert filmmaking, the theatrical acting, the juvenile framing, the laughable action (replete with Spock Chops aplenty), and the misogynist leering. Especially the leering.

FROST/NIXON

8 Star

TOP

FROST/NIXON

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 22 Dec 08
…and the Truth shall set you bleed…
… Ron Howard’s compelling FROST/NIXON does what Oliver Stone’s milky W. never could – it gets the job done.

FRUITVALE STATION

8 Star

TOP

FRUITVALE STATION

Release: Jul 13 – Review: 5 Aug 16
An Underprivileged Life Against Cowards With Guns.
Unarmed black man shot fatally in the back by cop. It’s not just a movie. It’s reality. Over and over again.

FUN WITH DICK AND JANE 2005

5 Star

TOP

FUN WITH DICK AND JANE 2005

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 22 Jan 06
Not Much Fun with Dick and Jane.
… they turn to crime to pay the bills and retain their yuppie materialism. And we don’t need more than one hand to count the big laughs.

FUNNY PEOPLE

8 Star

TOP

FUNNY PEOPLE

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 2 Oct 09
Apatow’s Magnum Scrotus.
High comedy, intense drama, and lots and lots of dick jokes.