G – GIG

G.I. JANE

4 Star

TOP

G.I. JANE

Release: Aug 97 – Review: 10 Sep 10
FEMper Fi.
Demi Moore tries to prove she’s got a dick.

GALAXY QUEST

7 Star

TOP

GALAXY QUEST

Release: Dec 99 – Review: 30 May 06
No Dreck on this Trek.
… everything that the SCARY MOVIE franchise is not – well-produced, well-written, well-acted – and funny.

GALLIPOLI

9 Star

TOP

GALLIPOLI

Release: Aug 81 – Review: 4 Jul 07
Military Unintelligence.
… one of the great Australian films and one of the greatest anti-war films.

GAME CHANGE

8 Star

TOP

GAME CHANGE

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 17 Oct 13
The Rise and Fall of Stupid.
Steve Schmidt’s correct assessment of the 24/7 news cycle is why Sarah Palin became a household name at all: Entertainment.

GAMERA

3 Star

TOP

GAMERA

Release: Nov 65 – Review: 10 Oct 14
Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Gamera would not achieve the heights scaled by the King of the Monsters, but his reign as Duke of Daikaiju begins here…

GAMERA THE BRAVE

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA THE BRAVE

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 9 Nov 15
Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade.
A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla.

GAMERA VS BARUGON

4 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS BARUGON

Release: Apr 66 – Review: 25 Oct 14
Finian’s Barugon.
… a plot about human greed and treachery, and a big monster birthed by radiation that destroys Japan. Trouble is – Gamera isn’t involved!

GAMERA VS GAOS

3 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS GAOS

Release: Mar 67 – Review: 28 Oct 14
Pointy Birds.
… bird-bat-pointy-thing Gaos anoints GAMERA VS. GAOS as the most bloodthirsty of the Gamera movies.

GAMERA VS GUIRON

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS GUIRON

Release: Mar 69 – Review: 22 Oct 14
A Real Cutup.
And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension.

GAMERA VS JIGER

2 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS JIGER

Release: Mar 70 – Review: 12 Apr 15
When children ran the Japanese military.
Gamera is pissed because Jiger’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a triceratops more than Gamera’s rubber suit vaguely resembles a turtle.

GAMERA VS VIRAS

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS VIRAS

Release: Mar 68 – Review: 33 Jun 15
Octopustulent.
… Worst Film, Worst Editing, Worst Directing, Worst Acting, Worst Story, Worst Effects, and a special award for Worst Alien Foe. And worst Annoying Kids.

GAMERA VS ZIGRA

2 Star

TOP

GAMERA VS ZIGRA

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 24 Oct 14
Space Fish Out Of Water.
Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense.

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

Release: Mar 95 – Review: 22 Mar 15
Turtle Soup for the Soul.
Once more for the next generation: Gamera Vs. Gaos! Moderno melodramo maximus!

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

1 Star

TOP

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

Release: May 80 – Review: 1 Aug 15
Tired Turtle.
Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts.

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

6 Star

TOP

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 25 Apr 15
Badass Turtle does good.
… brought a fine grasp of Western filmmaking to the GAMERA series.

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

7 Star

TOP

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

Release: Mar 99 – Review: 4 Nov 15
Shell Shocked Ex-shell-ence!
… ranks with the best trilogies in any genre; in production values, stylistic cohesion, writing, direction and just plain balls-to-the-shell enjoyment.

GANGS OF NEW YORK

8 Star

TOP

GANGS OF NEW YORK

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 2 Dec 04
An Army Of One – Daniel Day-Lewis.
There are three reasons to watch Martin Scorcese’s superlative GANGS OF NEW YORK: Daniel. Day. Lewis.

GARFIELD

3 Star

TOP

GARFIELD

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 29 Sep 05
Flat Cat.
This is not a “bad” movie – it is simply devoid of a soul.

GASLAND

8 Star

TOP

GASLAND

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 17 Dec 10
Despicable Them.
… it is revealed that the American companies that drill for natural gas are as unequivocally criminal and truly as insidiously evil.

THE GAUNTLET

7 Star

TOP

THE GAUNTLET

Release: Dec 77 – Review: 20 Jun 09
Bullets over Fraud Way.
… a ludicrous, riotous, guilty pleasure, Eastwood at the helm as director and star, doing all those outlandish things only Eastwood can do in a Clint Eastwood Movie.

GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

5 Star

TOP

GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 17 Apr 07
Gene Simmons: Family Jew.
… who wants to see their god with his pants around his ankles?

GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT

8 Star

TOP

GENTLEMAN’S AGREEMENT

Release: Feb 48 – Review: 24 Aug 09
Not very gentlemanly…
Released just after the Holocaust, can any of us in 2009 apprehend how this anti-Semitism sermon would have felt like electrodes on the testes of society?

GET HARD

5 Star

TOP

GET HARD

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 3 Apr 16
Hardly getting hard.
… a puddle of clichés, sprinkled with a few laughs and the usual mundane Will Ferrell shtick…

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

7 Star

TOP

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 6 Jul 10
Going Greek: it only hurts if you’re sober.
Drugs, bitches, rock stars, alcohol poisoning – geez! GET HIM TO THE GREEK is like one of my regular Tuesdays.

GET OUT

9 Star

TOP

GET OUT

Release: Feb 17 – Review: 7 Mar 17
… because a black mind is a terrible thing to waste.
… a renaissance for the horror genre. But it won’t do shit for race relations.

GET SMART

3 Star

TOP

GET SMART

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 26 Dec 08
Get Dumb. And Dumber.
It is obvious the filmmakers don’t “get” GET SMART. They missed it… by THAT much.

GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED-MONSTER

1 Star

TOP

GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED-MONSTER

Release: Dec 64 – Review: 27 Jun 14
Shooting laser beams at our balls.
… another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s rubber suits.

THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS

7 Star

TOP

THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS

Release: Aug 96 – Review: 15 Aug 16
A Bridge Too Roar.
… a railway bridge over the Tsavo River is terrorized by two man-eating lions so vicious and elusive they become known as…

GHOST RIDER

1 Star

TOP

GHOST RIDER

Release: Feb 07 – Review: 1 Aug 08
Queasy Rider.
Sloppy editing, directionless direction and idiotic writing make this the number one feel-retarded movie of the year.

GHOST TOWN

7 Star

TOP

GHOST TOWN

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 7 Feb 09
Afterlife Strife.
Comedy is pain. Ricky Gervais will hurt you until you laugh.

GHOST WRITER

8 Star

TOP

GHOST WRITER

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 3 Apr 11
Ghost in the Machine.
… sophisticated political thriller with an eye towards an intelligent audience who can follow a plot that doesn’t spell out Bad Guys by three-day growths…

GHOSTBUSTERS

7 Star

TOP

GHOSTBUSTERS

Release: Jun 84 – Review: 26 Sep 16
Starts off solid, Ends up ectoplasm…
… undoubtedly popular, contributing to filmic vernacular, and lending many quotes to the culture, but the weak third act is insubstantial as ectoplasm.

GHOSTBUSTERS II

6 Star

TOP

GHOSTBUSTERS II

Release: Jun 89 – Review: 2 Oct 16
Why am I covered in poo?
A river of slime threatens New York and brings the Ghostbusters out of retirement. Any excuse to touch tips again…

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

3 Star

TOP

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

Release: May 09 – Review: 20 Nov 09
Ghost of Dickens Past turns in his grave.
… another in a long line of tiresome films where females prove conclusively they don’t know WHAT they want.

GIGLI

2 Star

TOP

GIGLI

Release: Aug 03 – Review: 13 Dec 06
To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate…
An insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff.

GLA – GOD

GLADIATOR

8 Star

TOP

GLADIATOR

Release: May 00 – Review: 6 Mar 09
Unleashing Helle.
… there might well have been in Roman history a general who became a slave, a slave who became a gladiator, a gladiator who won an Oscar.

THE GODFATHER

10 Star

TOP

THE GODFATHER

Release: Mar 1972 – Review: 13 May 06
The Godfather Of Them All.
… reigns as the yardstick by which all other gangster movies are brutally scrutinized.

GODS OF EGYPT

4 Star

TOP

GODS OF EGYPT

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 11 Dec 16
Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects?
… the filmmakers get caught up in gratuitous overkill when it comes to their efx sandbox.

GODZILLA

9 Star

TOP

GODZILLA

Release: Nov 54 – Review: 21 Sep 14
Tampering in Godz domain…
From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America…

GODZILLA 1985

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 1985

Release: Aug 85 – Review: 6 Feb 16
Zilla versus Tokyo in a battle to the Burr.
… time to insert the American Big Dick Pentagon segments that do not exist in the original.

GODZILLA 2000

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 2000

Release: Nov 99 – Review: 29 Jun 14
Rebooting the unbootable.
Well, at least Godzilla doesn’t look like the Cookie Monster any more.

GODZILLA 2014

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA 2014

Release: May 14 – Review: 30 May 14
Kaiju in battle for Gojira-san so mighty ooaah!
… reinvents reimagines regurgitates the King of the Monsters on American shores…

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

7 Star

TOP

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 28 Jun 14
Mega Godzilla!
… filmmakers didn’t just drag the beast back from the brink of Looney Tunes, they’ve actually skewed towards quality…

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 15 Jul 14
Final Bores.
… the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design…

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Release: Apr 56 – Review: 30 Jun 14
Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it.
It’s a hatchet job on par with the greatest sins in the King James Bible; racist, provincial, uneducated and politically gutless.

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

2 Star

TOP

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Release: Apr 55 – Review: 3 Jul 14
Raiding Places.
… to release it in America, studio execs had to first cut it to shreds and add its own idiot narration because America Best Movie Champions…

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

5 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

Release: Dec 89 – Review: 28 Jan 16
Whole Lotta Rosie.
Godzilla versus a giant mutating rose! And all gardening breaks loose!…

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Release: Dec 95 – Review: 27 Jan 15
Crush-o Kill-o Dest-o-royah!
Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown!

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

Release: Mar 72 – Review: 12 Jun 14
Jumping the Sharkzilla.
Extra-terrestrial alien cockroaches defeated by Japanese cartoonist!

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

4 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

Release: Dec 93 – Review: 10 Feb 16
Mechasaurian Dinogodz and their place in history.
… filmmakers try to squeeze it past us that these creatures are all related to dinosaurs.

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

2 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Release: Mar 73 – Review: 10 Jun 14
Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread.
… they really didn’t know how imbecilic their once-ominous allegory of nuclear abuse had become.

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

1 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Release: Dec 65 – Review: 6 Jun 14
The Shark Jumpty Dance.
… a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits.

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

3 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

Release: Apr 64 – Review: 7 Jun 14
Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles.
… Godzilla is still walking around aimlessly breaking stuff.

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

5 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

Release: Dec 66 – Review: 8 Jun 14
Godzilla as Destroyer, Godzilla as Savior, Godzilla as afterthought.
… Mothra’s village; teens and a master thief shipwrecked, free the slaves, giant bird attack, lightning storm, nuclear explosions. Uh, and Godzilla.

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

6 Star

TOP

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

Release: Jul 71 – Review: 12 Jun 14
Going Green with Big Green.
… a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution.

GODZILLA'S REVENGE

1 Star

TOP

GODZILLA’S REVENGE

Release: Dec 69 – Review: 17 Jun 14
The revenge is on US!
Godzilla fighting a spider, a mantis, a lobster, a bird, etc. I’m about to pass out from the banality.

GON – GUE

GONE BABY GONE

6 Star

TOP

GONE BABY GONE

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 7 Oct 08
View to a Hammock.
Ben Affleck makes gravy in his directorial debut, about a redneck daughter’s kidnapping on the mean streets of Boston. And how his sleepwalking brother saves the day.

GONZO

6 Star

TOP

GONZO

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 23 Dec 10
Where the wave finally broke and rolled back…
Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005), the pill-popping, alcoholic, gun-toting, womanizing, self-proclaimed doctor of Gonzo Journalism.

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

5 Star

TOP

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 14 Jul 13
Double the McClane, Triple the Explosions, One Wisecrack Too Many.
He is a Hero because he has the choice not to be. Here, he is a pain in the ass.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

9 Star

TOP

GOOD WILL HUNTING

Release: Jan 98 – Review: 23 Apr 11
Beautiful mind versus beautiful beard.
… a driving story of a disturbed young mathematical genius trying to find his niche in a world that unwittingly ostracizes him for his beautiful mind.

THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD

8 Star

TOP

THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 10 Apr 10
Abused Cars.
Slick, smarmy and sweaty-balled, THE GOODS is the bastard child of USED CARS and GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS.

GORGO

5 Star

TOP

GORGO

Release: Mar 61 – Review: 4 Jun 14
Like Mother, Like Gorgo.
… the British ‘zilla! What a posh roar you have, my old son!

GOTHAM

7 Star

TOP

GOTHAM

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 23 Sep 14
The Batmanless Years.
It’s the city of the Batman. Before the Batman.

GRAFFITI BRIDGE

5 Star

TOP

GRAFFITI BRIDGE

Release: Nov 90 – Review: 26 Jun 16
Bridge of Sighs.
Prince oversteps his genius by taking on GRAFFITI BRIDGE as writer, director, actor, dancer, composer and messiah complex…

GRAN TORINO

8 Star

TOP

GRAN TORINO

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 31 Dec 08
The Enforcer in the ‘burbs.
It’s not a Dirty Harry film… really, it isn’t. But someone forgot to tell Clint Eastwood.

GRAVITY

8 Star

TOP

GRAVITY

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 6 Dec 13
GRAVITY is all force, no weight.
… though it continues the magisterial visual legacy of SPACE ODYSSEY, it contains none of the mysticism or far-reaching cosmic ideas. These astronauts are just looking for a rocket ride home.

THE GREAT DICTATOR

7 Star

TOP

THE GREAT DICTATOR

Release: Mar 41 – Review: 5 Feb 15
The Agitprop that Dares Speaketh.
… Chaplin’s audacious satirical stab at Hitler’s Nazi regime, production starting just as World War II broke out. Obviously before the term “too soon” was invented.

THE GREAT HOUDINI

5 Star

TOP

THE GREAT HOUDINI

Release: Oct 76 – Review: 7 Jul 14
The Great Snore-dini.
Paul Michael Glaser is… THE GREAT HOUDINI. Spit-take. He can’t even escape his David Starsky white-fro. How will he do against a water torture cell?

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

7 Star

TOP

THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY

Release: 1903 – Review: 8 Apr 11
The Ten-Minute Milestone.
Back when overacting was the ONLY acting, before D.W. Griffiths, before KING KONG, almost before electricity…

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

6 Star

TOP

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

Release: Apr 65 – Review: 2 May 14
The Most Tedious Story Ever Told.
… so far up its own arse that Satan called the filmmakers and thanked them for turning so many people off Christianity.

GREEN LANTERN

6 Star

TOP

GREEN LANTERN

Release: Jun 11 – Review: 1 Jul 11
Attack of the 50-foot foreheads.
… could have opted to stay Earthbound, but instead do a wondrous galactic job outlining one of the more interesting superhero legends.

THE GREY

7 Star

TOP

THE GREY

Release: Jan 12 – Review: 15 Dec 12
Monsters within and without.
Liam Neeson takes the shortcut through the woods – and meets the Big Bad Wolf.

GROSSE-POINTE-BLANK

8 Star

TOP

GROSSE POINTE BLANK

Release: Apr 97 – Review: 10 May 11
Whackjob Whack Job.
When we attend our high school reunions, we’d all like to be able to say, “I’m a professional killer.”

GROWN UPS

3 Star

TOP

GROWN UPS

Release: Jun 10 – Review: 30 Dec 10
Groan Ups.
Five friends reunite for the funeral of their school coach and spend the weekend trying to be funny…

GROWN UPS 2

1 Star

TOP

GROWN UPS 2

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 17 Apr 16
Would you like a little movie to go with your pee jokes?
Rob Schneider isn’t here. Nonetheless, GROWN UPS 2 is still worse than its predecessor.

GRUDGE MATCH

6 Star

TOP

GRUDGE MATCH

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 17 Jul 16
Raging Rocky.
It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

9 Star

TOP

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 25 Nov 14
The D-List goes A-Team.
… an unexpected lightning strike that needs to be captured in that mythical bottle, or its bedazzlement will be lost to the galactic slipstream…

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER

7 Star

TOP

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER

Release: Dec 67 – Review: 21 Sep 09
Still Racist After All These Years…
… meant to be a hammer against racism. Unfortunately, it only illustrates the filmmakers’ racism without them even realizing it.