HAI – HAU

HAIL, CAESAR!

6 Star

TOP

HAIL, CAESAR!

Release: Feb 16 – Review: 18 Dec 17
Would that it were so sequitur.
… seems to be aiming at THE BIG LEBOWSKI but steps off the bus somewhere at BURN AFTER READING.

HALLOWEEN

6 Star

TOP

HALLOWEEN

Release: Oct 78 – Review: 6 Nov 09
Carving Teen on Halloween.
Arguably the first Senseless Knife-Kill flick; arguably the first “serial murder” movie mislabeled as “horror”…

HAMLET 2

6 Star

TOP

HAMLET 2

Release: Aug 08 – Review: 21 Apr 09
Charming Blasphemy, Thy Name is Sexy Jesus.
HAMLET 2 is GREASE slipping on the banana peel of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR…

HANCOCK

7 Star

TOP

HANCOCK

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 12 Jul 08
Upping the Ante on Anti-Heroes.
…a “superhero movie” only on its surface. Deeper, where emotions are torn from desires, and sorrow abides like ravenous bile, HANCOCK is a misunderstood gem.

THE HANGOVER

8 Star

TOP

THE HANGOVER

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 14 Feb 10
Vegas Knights (without amor).
… exudes a heady excitement and an overall feeling of blissful meaningless fun…

THE HANGOVER PART 2

6 Star

TOP

THE HANGOVER PART 2

Release: May 11 – Review: 25 Oct 12
Trying to Capture Lightning in an Alcohol Bottle.
“I can’t believe this is happening again!” Ed Helms says in THE HANGOVER PART 2. You and us both, Ed.

THE HANGOVER PART 3

7 Star

TOP

THE HANGOVER PART 3

Release: May 13 – Review: 2 Dec 16
Waking from Itself.
A brand new comedy with the same beloved characters; focus shifted, personalities disordered, breasts augmented.

HANNIBAL

5 Star

TOP

HANNIBAL

Release: Feb 01 – Review: Jul 02
The Violence Of The Hams.
Ridley Scott, the brilliant director who helmed ALIEN, BLADE RUNNER and GLADIATOR, fell asleep during production and let a monkey take over.

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

7 Star

TOP

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 24 Apr 14
Glimmering Grimm.
… a campy, cheesy, guilty pleasure, guns-and-sorcery actioner, self-aware to a fault of all the tropes it is satirizing and paying homage to.

THE HAPPENING

6 Star

TOP

THE HAPPENING

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 25 Jun 08
Nothing Happening.
Grandiose concept + morbidly inept cast = mediocre movie.

HARD BOILED

7 Star

TOP

HARD BOILED

Release: Apr 92 – Review: 10 Mar 10
Dirty Hari.
… an homage to samurai, cops, westerns, and Pretty Orange Explosions; the last of his Chinese gangster flicks and the pinnacle of what made John Woo John Woo.

HARD CANDY

7 Star

TOP

HARD CANDY

Release: May 06 – Review: 23 Jun 11
For Unlawful Carnal Carnage.
A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right – but not in the way he planned…

A HARD DAY'S NIGHT

6 Star

TOP

A HARD DAY’S NIGHT

Release: Aug 64 – Review: 5 Aug 10
Mop toppery mockery.
A legendary band, The Beatles, in a crap film, A HARD DAY’S NIGHT, that resonates as legendary because The Beatles are in it.

THE HARD WORD

7 Star

TOP

THE HARD WORD

Release: Jun 03 – Review: 28 Dec 10
Brother Hood.
At long last, an Australian crime actioner with all the guts and grit of any British or American film of this genre.

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

6 Star

TOP

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

Release: Jul 04 – Review: 31 Aug 14
Inhale. Sit back. Enjoy.
… the stoner film just waiting to exhale after Cheech and Chong retired their bong with STILL SMOKIN…

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY

3 Star

TOP

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY

Release: Aug 08 – Review: 23 Apr 09
Laffing it up lamely, while the world bleeds shamely…
… deals with a topic that should not be laughed at in this moment in history. I guess I’m saying “too soon.”

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

7 Star

TOP

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Release: Nov 01 – Review: 23 Aug 14
Hogwild at Hogwarts.
… Minerva says, “This boy will be famous. There won’t be a child in our world who doesn’t know his name.” And she was right…

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

5 Star

TOP

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 25 Aug 14
The Chamber of Feebness.
Every time the POTTER series uses arbitrary magic with no payoff or purpose, I roll my eyes and go, “Expecto Wankforus!”

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

6 Star

TOP

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Release: Jun 04 – Review: 27 Aug 14
Azkabana-fo-fana.
… a confused and contradictory forced tapestry of characters and motivations that I’m sure their demographic are too young to apprehend.

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

4 Star

TOP

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Aug 14
Goblet-de-gook.
… a laundry list of tasks performed by two-dimensional characters, told with no logic, less motivation and lots and lots of not very special effects.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

6 Star

TOP

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 31 Aug 14
Order off the Menu.
Forget the black-robed special effects, the most terrifying horror of all is the old white woman with the closed mind in the position of power.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT

9 Star

TOP

THE HATEFUL EIGHT

Release: Dec 15 – Review: 29 Jan 15
Eight is Enough to fill our hearts with dingus.
At a snowbound outpost, eight strangers must survive the stormy night. And each other.

THE HAUNTING

6 Star

TOP

THE HAUNTING

Release: Sep 63 – Review: 25 Nov 09
Once Upon a Scary Spinster…
Scary? In places. Silly? In more places.

THE HAUNTING 1999

2 Star

TOP

THE HAUNTING 1999

Release: Jul 99 – Review: 22 Jul 14
The terror of bad direction, editing and acting.
… only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk.

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

3 Star

TOP

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT

Release: Mar 09 – Review: 20 Sep 09
So silly it’s scary.
… advertised as “the most terrifying movie ever made.” It is. If you’re five.

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA

3 Star

TOP

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA

Release: Feb 13 – Review: 10 May 14
“I see black people!”
I, for one, am terrified that people actually believe this gaboon.

HEL – HOB

HELEN OF TROY

4 Star

TOP

HELEN OF TROY

Release: Jan 56 – Review: 24 Sep 14
Jane of Troy.
Most of the time bland blond Helen is trying not to be out-prettied by effete Paris.

HELLBOY

5 Star

TOP

HELLBOY

Release: Mar 04 – Review: 8 Aug 05
Hell-Freed, but Earth-Bound.
… for all its glitz and glam-blammo, is not a well-made movie.

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

7 Star

TOP

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 3 Aug 08
Hell-Tilt With The Wheels Comin’ Off.
PAN’S LABYRINTH smashed up against the Cantina Scene from STAR WARS and Guillermo del Toro rode that bad boy all the way to a town called HELLBOY.

HENRY'S CRIME

6 Star

TOP

HENRY’S CRIME

Release: Jan 11 – Review: 10 Jun 12
Even-keeled heel steals.
… movie plods along bemusedly and interestingly, much like its lead character, who takes everything with equanimity. He is, after all, The One.

HERCULES 2014

6 Star

TOP

HERCULES 2014

Release: Jul 14 – Review: 17 Aug 15
GOOD-liness over GOD-liness.
Well, at least he looks the part!

HEREAFTER

8 Star

TOP

HEREAFTER

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 18 Nov 10
Ghost stories for the sensible.
HEREAFTER is about searching for answers. Ironically, it’s about lost souls.

HIGH NOON

8 Star

TOP

HIGH NOON

Release: Jul 52 – Review: 9 Oct 11
Man-Tales of the Old West.
… transcends being a Western and is more a study in humanity’s base self-preservation instincts and herd mentality.

HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER

8 Star

TOP

HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER

Release: Apr 73 – Review: 21 Apr 08
High Pains Grifter.
The Stranger from Leone’s spaghettis – reincarnated to rewrite the American West.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

2 Star

TOP

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Release: Jan 06 – Review: 27 Apr 15
High School Douche-ical.
Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

2 Star

TOP

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 27 Apr 15
Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical.
… a deathwish put to the beat of teen dream.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

1 Star

TOP

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 16 Jun 16
High on Schrooms-ical.
… a laughing fart from the buttocks of Satan.

HIGHLANDER

8 Star

TOP

HIGHLANDER

Release: 1986 – Review: 24 Aug 05
Sharp as a Katana, Breezy as a Kilt.
… tale is so original and well-executed, it is hard to imagine it was not culled from Scottish folk legend.

HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER

2 Star

TOP

HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER

Release: Jan 1995 – Review: 19 Aug 05
There Can Be Only One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?…
Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise.

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

7 Star

TOP

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

Release: Oct 05 – Review: Nov 05
When the Evil Twin Piques.
… surface “pulp thriller,” played hard against a psychological cyclorama…

HIT TEAM

2 Star

TOP

HIT TEAM

Release: Dec 14 – Review: 9 Mar 15
When comedy beats us over the head and tells us to like it.
… we are beaten over the head with the rubber chicken that is this film.

HITCH

5 Star

TOP

HITCH

Release: Feb 05 – Review: 4 Feb 07
Hitch Cock.
This film needs a brain-frying dose of Tom Leykis.

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

6 Star

TOP

THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

Release: Apr 05 – Review: 15 Jan 07
Mining the Diary, Missing the Madman.
… somehow, the end result of all these superior elements comes out as flollopy as a mattress from the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta.

THE HOAX

7 Star

TOP

THE HOAX

Release: Apr 07 – Review: 24 May 07
The Barbaric Yawp of the Lunatic Fringe.
… author Clifford Irving fooled all of the people some of the time when he produced the autobiography of one of the world’s most intriguing recluses, Howard Hughes.

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

8 Star

TOP

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

Release: Dec 12 – Review: 23 Dec 12
Back and There – Again…
… taking the stone-masoned words of Tolkien and amplifying them in sound and vision, with the soul of a necromancer, the magic of a wizard, and the balls of a balrog.

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

8 Star

TOP

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 19 Dec 14
Attack of the Action Sequences.
… glorious, authentic realization of a mythic world – and it makes me wonder how many hugs some people missed as children when they refuse to accept this wondrous filmic escapism…

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

8 Star

TOP

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Release: Dec 14 – Review: 30 Dec 14
The wrath of Tolkien, the majesty of Jackson, the fickleness of Fandom.
THE HOBBIT comes to a spectacular end, to the wonderment of appreciative moviegoers and the chagrin of sniveling purists.

HOL – HUR

HOLLYWOODLAND

7 Star

TOP

HOLLYWOODLAND

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 25 Oct 06
As Powerful as a Locomotive.
And Ben Affleck is George Reeves. As they say in Joisey: “Who woulda thought?!” – Matt Damon’s wife as The Man of Steel!

HOME

4 Star

TOP

HOME

Release: Mar 15 – Review: 1 Dec 15
When the aliens do the deporting…
… one of those animated kid’s comedies incognizant of how contradictory its mixed messages are, hiding behind its demographic as excuse.

HORRIBLE BOSSES

6 Star

TOP

HORRIBLE BOSSES

Release: Jul 11 – Review: 10 Feb 12
Hitchcock… Hitch-Not.
… three wimpy friends who have had enough of their horrible bosses and wish they had the balls to kill them. Yes, this movie has no balls.

HORSEMEN

5 Star

TOP

HORSEMEN

Release: Feb 09- Review: 25 Dec 12
HORSEMEN’s revelation is its downfall.
SEVEN meets SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. A little bit of SAW and any given JASON movie thrown in.

HORTON HEARS A WHO

4 Star

TOP

HORTON HEARS A WHO

Release: Mar 08 – Review: 26 Aug 09
For Whom the Who Tolls.
An animated feature that kids will enjoy and adults will find tiresome.

HOSTAGE

7 Star

TOP

HOSTAGE

Release: Mar 05 – Review: 2 Jul 10
Like a hostage, we are captive.
… a damaged cop whose failure can be read in his sad eyes. Part John McClane, part Sean Penn, part Harrison Ford, all thespian.

HOT FUZZ

8 Star

TOP

HOT FUZZ

Release: Apr 07 – Review: 10 May 07
Buzz Fuzz.
… does for law enforcement what SHAUN did for the dead – bring it to life just to beat the living cliché out of it.

HOT ROD

2 Star

TOP

HOT ROD

Release: Aug 07 – Review: 28 Sep 08
Snot Rod.
… like choking on someone else’s vomit.

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

7 Star

TOP

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 27 Nov 10
Dive in, the water’s awesome.
Not so much H.G. Wells as Marty McFly.

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA

5 Star

TOP

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA

Release: Sep 12 – Review: 24 Aug 13
Goolies Not Groovie.
… skews to that worn chick-flick trope of teen love against all odds. Stephenie Meyer in the front row gulping down popcorn…

HOUDINI 2014

6 Star

TOP

HOUDINI 2014

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 8 Sep 14
The trick is not to fall asleep…
… fails to capture the magnitude of Houdini’s charisma, the extent of his fame, and makes him a whining mental case who was seeking some kind of redemption.

HOURS

7 Star

TOP

HOURS

Release: Dec 13 – Review: 28 Apr 15
A Role of a Lifetime, at the end of a lifetime.
Paul Walker Hollywood Star becomes Paul Walker Actor in literally the last film of his cut-short career. Thankfully, it doesn’t affect his three-day growth.

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET

6 Star

TOP

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET

Release: Sep 12 – Review: 3 Oct 14
The Blondes At The End Of The Boobs.
A hottie mother and her teen hottie daughter! What is there to do except kill them both?

HOUSE OF THE DEAD

1 Star

TOP

HOUSE OF THE DEAD

Release: Feb 03 – Review: 23 Aug 05
GILLIGAN’S ISLAND meets Romero’s Non-Actors.
… a slasher film for the mindless and mindless at heart.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

2 Star

TOP

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

Release: Jan 59 – Review: 15 Mar 15
Comedic Horror or Horrible Comedy?
Renowned B-movie director William Castle helms this rickety cliché and writer Robb White pulls out every horror convention of the day…

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 1999

1 Star

TOP

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 1999

Release: Oct 99 – Review: 3 May 16
Haunting Incompetence.
… The House reveals itself to be sentient, seals them in and tries to kill them with visions, psychological trauma and bad screenwriting.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

8 Star

TOP

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

Release: Mar 10 – Review: 31 Jan 16
Spanking the Dragon.
… Dreamworks, but like the greatest Pixar productions, it has heart and soul. And fire.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

7 Star

TOP

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 25 Feb 16
Stop Dragon my Bewilderbeast around.
… Jay Baruchel returns as Hiccup the Viking with his small black dragon. And his pet named Toothless.

HULK

6 Star

TOP

HULK

Release: Jun 03 – Review: 6 Oct 05
Shrek On Steroids.
Well, we all know what happens when Bruce Banner gets enraged: his body turns green and his pants turn purple and very, VERY elastic.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

5 Star

TOP

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 3 Mar 11
Pinch this one off.
Europe squeezes out a perversity that, no matter what you say about it, is pretty compelling shit! And I do mean shit.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE

7 Star

TOP

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE

Release: Oct 11 – Review: 14 Dec 12
Diarrhetic Daisy Chain.
… takes all that was sick and disgusting about its predecessor – and vomits it in our mouth.

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE

7 Star

TOP

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3: FINAL SEQUENCE

Release: May 15 – Review: 28 Dec 15
Three Shits To The Wind…
Dare you witness this debauched torture-porn horror-comedy after stroking yourself to its two twisted predecessors?

THE HUNGER GAMES

5 Star

TOP

THE HUNGER GAMES

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 30 Sep 14
The Dum-ber Games.
… gets caught up being a kid’s actioner with a hot chick, even though it originates as a grim commentary about class warfare. With a hot chick.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

6 Star

TOP

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

Release: Nov 13 – Review: 2 Dec 14
Starving for ideas: Catching Cold.
… forced by the Capitol to go on a Tour through the 12 Districts to rub it in everyone’s faces. And our faces too.

THE HURT LOCKER

6 Star

TOP

THE HURT LOCKER

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 10 Aug 09
Heroic Movie about a Non-Heroic War.
… would like to believe it shows us the gritty realism of sudden death and wasted life. It does – all with hero angles.