JAC – JCV
Release: Dec 12 – Review: 29 Aug 13
Reaching for Grate-ness.
Jack Reacher unofficially looks into the case, bringing his esoteric military expertise and gloriously body-shaved chest.
Release: Jan 14 – Review: 27 Aug 15
… you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting clusterfuckulation in some form or other…
Release: Oct 02 – Review: 23 Jan 06
Jockstraps and Beer.
… never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals.
Release: Sep 06 – Review: 30 Jul 11
More Jockstraps. More Beer.
Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it..
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 31 Jul 11
See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much.
… someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 4 Nov 16
Diary of a Douchebag.
Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 1 Mar 17
Turds making turds.
… this lurid amble into the lizard brain of humanity.
Release: Oct 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Old Fart, New Trousers.
… Johnny Knoxville finding ways to make himself and unsuspecting people look like assfaces.
Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jan 15
Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door.
… filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman creating socially-impure havoc.
Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Jul 07
JARHEAD is the new JACKET.
… not about bullets and bombs tearing flesh off bone, but rather the loneliness, confusion and misguided patriotism of the United States Marine.
Release: Jun 75 – Review: 7 May 09
A Whale of a Tale.
When Steven Speilberg first heard John Williams’s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing?
Release: Jun 78 – Review: 23 Feb 09
New Shark, Old Story.
We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much.
Release: Jul 83 – Review: 7 Apr 11
Terrorized by puppets and stock footage.
Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.”
Release: Jul 87 – Review: 14 Aug 14
Vengeance is Rubber.
… trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit.
Release: Jun 08 – Review: 30 May 09
Muscles from Brussels in Tussles.
… a richly layered, self-effacing, dark comedy; in a world where Van Damme’s own legend proves his undoing and his salvation.
JES – JOU
Release: Aug 1973 – Review: 28 Dec 05
… as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla.
Release: Mar 01 – Review: 26 Nov 05
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Not the definitive SUPERSTAR, yet sincere enough to uphold a grand tradition – Behold, it is good.
Release: Dec 91 – Review: 22 Mar 14
… you can either accept the fact this truth-seeking movie exists, or whine like a petty hyena nibbling around the kill of a feasting lion, because it’s not what you were told to think.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 25 Dec 12
Jangles the nerves.
… Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian.
Release: Aug 13 – Review: 14 Apr 15
Dude, Where’s My Computer?
An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator…
Release: Jul 72 – Review: 17 Aug 10
… Eastwood being himself, doing all those outlandish things only Clint can get away with in a Clint Eastwood movie…
Release: Mar 90 – Review: 23 Nov 05
Long before CAST AWAY, Hanks here finds himself adrift on an endless ocean with nothing but a mindless entity for companionship – Meg Ryan
Release: Mar 12 – Review: 22 Oct 13
Big Green Men.
… a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes.
Release: Oct 14 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure.
… legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy…
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 7 Feb 09
You must be J-ok’ing.
… bad acting, no acting, insipid acting and some jaw-dropping in-camera special effects make J-OK’EL nigh unwatchable…
Release: Jul 08 – Review: 24 Dec 08
Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 25 Dec 16
A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped!
It is physical pain trying to watch JOY, as it stumbles around in the dark grasping at Inspirational Movie.
JUL – JUS
Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Apr 11
The Cookie Monster Cometh.
Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress.
Release: Feb 08 – Review: 8 Oct 08
Jumping the Snark.
JUMPER is a one-trick pony that wishes it knew just one more trick.
Release: Apr 16 – Review: 16 Apr 17
“Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon.
Release: Dec 07 – Review: 5 Mar 10
Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin.
… the hypocrisy of the American public that would scream statutory rape when 16-year-olds are impregnated in real life and then embrace this movie as “outrageously offbeat.”
Release: Jun 93 – Review: 10 Apr 07
… the film-makers had won. We were their bitches. There could be no more stop-motion or Harryhausen after seeing the grandeur and “real-ness” of Spielberg’s saurians.
Release: May 97 – Review: 22 Feb 10
Let it be known: JURASSIC PARK II was not made for its story, nor for art, nor for fans, nor for enjoyment, purely for dirty profit.
Release: Jul 01 – Review: 3 Jan 10
Excitement replaced by Excrement.
… the corporations and marketers and unevolved apes who call themselves filmmakers have forgotten what made dinosaurs such a wonder in the first place.
Release: Jun 15 – Review: 20 Jun 15
… though derivative, formulaic and plagiarized, JURASSIC WORLD is still a lot of fun..
Release: Mar 86 – Review: 30 Nov 09
Ménage à Ted.
What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting.
Release: Feb 11 – Review: 19 Dec 12
Going for it while going with it.
… dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed out loud many times.)