JAC – JCV

JACK REACHER

6 Star

TOP

JACK REACHER

Release: Dec 12 – Review: 29 Aug 13
Reaching for Grate-ness.
Jack Reacher unofficially looks into the case, bringing his esoteric military expertise and gloriously body-shaved chest.

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

6 Star

TOP

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 27 Aug 15
Bourne Impossible.
… you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting clusterfuckulation in some form or other…

JACKASS THE MOVIE

4 Star

TOP

JACKASS THE MOVIE

Release: Oct 02 – Review: 23 Jan 06
Jockstraps and Beer.
… never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals.

JACKASS NUMBER TWO

4 Star

TOP

JACKASS NUMBER TWO

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 30 Jul 11
More Jockstraps. More Beer.
Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it..

JACKASS 2.5

1 Star

TOP

JACKASS 2.5

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 31 Jul 11
See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much.
… someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it.

JACKASS 3D

3 Star

TOP

JACKASS 3D

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 4 Nov 16
Diary of a Douchebag.
Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.

JACKASS 3.5

2 Star

TOP

JACKASS 3.5

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 1 Mar 17
Turds making turds.
… this lurid amble into the lizard brain of humanity.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

6 Star

TOP

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Old Fart, New Trousers.
… Johnny Knoxville finding ways to make himself and unsuspecting people look like assfaces.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA .5

5 Star

TOP

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA .5

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jan 15
Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door.
… filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman creating socially-impure havoc.

JARHEAD

8 Star

TOP

JARHEAD

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Jul 07
JARHEAD is the new JACKET.
… not about bullets and bombs tearing flesh off bone, but rather the loneliness, confusion and misguided patriotism of the United States Marine.

JAWS

10 Star

TOP

JAWS

Release: Jun 75 – Review: 7 May 09
A Whale of a Tale.
When Steven Speilberg first heard John Williams’s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing?

JAWS 2

6 Star

TOP

JAWS 2

Release: Jun 78 – Review: 23 Feb 09
New Shark, Old Story.
We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much.

JAWS 3

3 Star

TOP

JAWS 3

Release: Jul 83 – Review: 7 Apr 11
Terrorized by puppets and stock footage.
Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.”

JAWS: THE REVENGE

4 Star

TOP

JAWS: THE REVENGE

Release: Jul 87 – Review: 14 Aug 14
Vengeance is Rubber.
… trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit.

JCVD

8 Star

TOP

JCVD

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 30 May 09
Muscles from Brussels in Tussles.
… a richly layered, self-effacing, dark comedy; in a world where Van Damme’s own legend proves his undoing and his salvation.

JES – JOU

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

9 Star

TOP

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

Release: Aug 1973 – Review: 28 Dec 05
Nails It.
… as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla.

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

7 Star

TOP

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

Release: Mar 01 – Review: 26 Nov 05
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Not the definitive SUPERSTAR, yet sincere enough to uphold a grand tradition – Behold, it is good.

JFK

8 Star

TOP

JFK

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 22 Mar 14
Conspiracy Clearly.
… you can either accept the fact this truth-seeking movie exists, or whine like a petty hyena nibbling around the kill of a feasting lion, because it’s not what you were told to think.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

3 Star

TOP

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Release: Nov 96 – Review: 25 Dec 12
Jangles the nerves.
… Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian.

JOBS

5 Star

TOP

JOBS

Release: Aug 13 – Review: 14 Apr 15
Dude, Where’s My Computer?
An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator…

JOE KIDD

6 Star

TOP

JOE KIDD

Release: Jul 72 – Review: 17 Aug 10
Just Kidding.
… Eastwood being himself, doing all those outlandish things only Clint can get away with in a Clint Eastwood movie…

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

4 Star

TOP

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

Release: Mar 90 – Review: 23 Nov 05
Sacrificial Ham.
Long before CAST AWAY, Hanks here finds himself adrift on an endless ocean with nothing but a mindless entity for companionship – Meg Ryan

JOHN CARTER

7 Star

TOP

JOHN CARTER

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 22 Oct 13
Big Green Men.
… a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes.

JOHN WICK

7 Star

TOP

JOHN WICK

Release: Oct 14 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure.
… legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy…

JOKEL

2 Star

TOP

J-OK’EL

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 7 Feb 09
You must be J-ok’ing.
… bad acting, no acting, insipid acting and some jaw-dropping in-camera special effects make J-OK’EL nigh unwatchable…

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008

5 Star

TOP

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 24 Dec 08
Hitting Bottom.
Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas.

JOY 2015

5 Star

TOP

JOY 2015

Release: Dec 15 – Review: 25 Dec 16
A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped!
It is physical pain trying to watch JOY, as it stumbles around in the dark grasping at Inspirational Movie.

JUL – JUS

JULIE AND JULIA

7 Star

TOP

JULIE AND JULIA

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Apr 11
The Cookie Monster Cometh.
Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress.

JUMPER

5 Star

TOP

JUMPER

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 8 Oct 08
Jumping the Snark.
JUMPER is a one-trick pony that wishes it knew just one more trick.

JUMPING JACKS

6 Star

TOP

JUMPING JACKS

Release: Jun 52 – Review: 14 Sep 17
Jumping to Contusions.
… marks the third time Martin and Lewis have been in the military. Army, Navy, now Paratroopers.

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

7 Star

TOP

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 16 Apr 17
Bare Man-cessitites.
“Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon.

JUNO

5 Star

TOP

JUNO

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 5 Mar 10
Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin.
… the hypocrisy of the American public that would scream statutory rape when 16-year-olds are impregnated in real life and then embrace this movie as “outrageously offbeat.”

JURASSIC PARK

7 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK

Release: Jun 93 – Review: 10 Apr 07
Dino Mighty.
… the film-makers had won. We were their bitches. There could be no more stop-motion or Harryhausen after seeing the grandeur and “real-ness” of Spielberg’s saurians.

JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD

5 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD

Release: May 97 – Review: 22 Feb 10
Boring Roaring.
Let it be known: JURASSIC PARK II was not made for its story, nor for art, nor for fans, nor for enjoyment, purely for dirty profit.

JURASSIC PARK III

5 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK III

Release: Jul 01 – Review: 3 Jan 10
Excitement replaced by Excrement.
… the corporations and marketers and unevolved apes who call themselves filmmakers have forgotten what made dinosaurs such a wonder in the first place.

JURASSIC WORLD

7 Star

TOP

JURASSIC WORLD

Release: Jun 15 – Review: 20 Jun 15
Rex flex.
… though derivative, formulaic and plagiarized, JURASSIC WORLD is still a lot of fun..

JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS

5 Star

TOP

JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS

Release: Mar 86 – Review: 30 Nov 09
Ménage à Ted.
What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting.

JUST GO WITH IT

6 Star

TOP

JUST GO WITH IT

Release: Feb 11 – Review: 19 Dec 12
Going for it while going with it.
… dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed out loud many times.)