JAC – JCV

JACK REACHER

6 Star

TOP

JACK REACHER

Release: Dec 12 – Review: 29 Aug 13
Reaching for Grate-ness.
Jack Reacher unofficially looks into the case, bringing his esoteric military expertise and gloriously body-shaved chest.

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

6 Star

TOP

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 27 Aug 15
Bourne Impossible.
… you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting clusterfuckulation in some form or other…

JACKASS THE MOVIE

4 Star

TOP

JACKASS THE MOVIE

Release: Oct 02 – Review: 23 Jan 06
Jockstraps and Beer.
… never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals.

JACKASS NUMBER TWO

4 Star

TOP

JACKASS NUMBER TWO

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 30 Jul 11
More Jockstraps. More Beer.
Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it..

JACKASS 2.5

1 Star

TOP

JACKASS 2.5

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 31 Jul 11
See what idiots with movie contracts are capable of – not much.
… someone really needs to stop me beating the shit out of Johnny Knoxville for this lame excuse of a polished turd he calls a “movie.” Trouble is, he’d enjoy it.

JACKASS 3D

3 Star

TOP

JACKASS 3D

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 4 Nov 16
Diary of a Douchebag.
Guys, there’s an easier way to get your mouth near each others’ dicks: just suck each other off.

JACKASS 3.5

2 Star

TOP

JACKASS 3.5

Release: Apr 11 – Review: 1 Mar 17
Turds making turds.
… this lurid amble into the lizard brain of humanity.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

6 Star

TOP

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Old Fart, New Trousers.
… Johnny Knoxville finding ways to make himself and unsuspecting people look like assfaces.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA .5

5 Star

TOP

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA .5

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 13 Jan 15
Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door.
… filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman creating socially-impure havoc.

JARHEAD

8 Star

TOP

JARHEAD

Release: Nov 05 – Review: 30 Jul 07
JARHEAD is the new JACKET.
… not about bullets and bombs tearing flesh off bone, but rather the loneliness, confusion and misguided patriotism of the United States Marine.

JAWS

10 Star

TOP

JAWS

Release: Jun 75 – Review: 7 May 09
A Whale of a Tale.
When Steven Speilberg first heard John Williams’s simple, ominous JAWS theme, he apparently thought it was a joke. Now who’s laughing?

JAWS 2

6 Star

TOP

JAWS 2

Release: Jun 78 – Review: 23 Feb 09
New Shark, Old Story.
We know what’s going to happen: you go in the water – you get eaten. Pretty much.

JAWS 3

3 Star

TOP

JAWS 3

Release: Jul 83 – Review: 7 Apr 11
Terrorized by puppets and stock footage.
Remember Spinal Tap’s album, Shark Sandwich and its two-word review? “Shit sandwich.”

JAWS: THE REVENGE

4 Star

TOP

JAWS: THE REVENGE

Release: Jul 87 – Review: 14 Aug 14
Vengeance is Rubber.
… trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit.

JCVD

8 Star

TOP

JCVD

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 30 May 09
Muscles from Brussels in Tussles.
… a richly layered, self-effacing, dark comedy; in a world where Van Damme’s own legend proves his undoing and his salvation.

JES – JOU

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

9 Star

TOP

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

Release: Aug 1973 – Review: 28 Dec 05
Nails It.
… as reverent as it is blasphemous, as bombastic as it is humble, as god as it is zilla.

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

7 Star

TOP

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2000

Release: Mar 01 – Review: 26 Nov 05
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Not the definitive SUPERSTAR, yet sincere enough to uphold a grand tradition – Behold, it is good.

JFK

8 Star

TOP

JFK

Release: Dec 91 – Review: 22 Mar 14
Conspiracy Clearly.
… you can either accept the fact this truth-seeking movie exists, or whine like a petty hyena nibbling around the kill of a feasting lion, because it’s not what you were told to think.

JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND

8 Star

TOP

JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND

Release: Nov 17 – Review: 23 Dec 17
Of Comedy and Molecules.
Introspective prophet Jim Carrey sits down with his beard and reminisces about the takeover of his body by Andy Kaufman while filming MAN ON THE MOON.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

3 Star

TOP

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Release: Nov 96 – Review: 25 Dec 12
Jangles the nerves.
… Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian.

JOBS

5 Star

TOP

JOBS

Release: Aug 13 – Review: 14 Apr 15
Dude, Where’s My Computer?
An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator…

JOE KIDD

6 Star

TOP

JOE KIDD

Release: Jul 72 – Review: 17 Aug 10
Just Kidding.
… Eastwood being himself, doing all those outlandish things only Clint can get away with in a Clint Eastwood movie…

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

4 Star

TOP

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO

Release: Mar 90 – Review: 23 Nov 05
Sacrificial Ham.
Long before CAST AWAY, Hanks here finds himself adrift on an endless ocean with nothing but a mindless entity for companionship – Meg Ryan

JOHN CARTER

7 Star

TOP

JOHN CARTER

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 22 Oct 13
Big Green Men.
… a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes.

JOHN WICK

7 Star

TOP

JOHN WICK

Release: Oct 14 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure.
… legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy…

JOKEL

2 Star

TOP

J-OK’EL

Release: Mar 07 – Review: 7 Feb 09
You must be J-ok’ing.
… bad acting, no acting, insipid acting and some jaw-dropping in-camera special effects make J-OK’EL nigh unwatchable…

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008

5 Star

TOP

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 2008

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 24 Dec 08
Hitting Bottom.
Serves its purpose of getting thirteen-year-old boys interested in slim blond girls with indeterminate Euro accents and tennis-ball ta-tas.

JOY 2015

5 Star

TOP

JOY 2015

Release: Dec 15 – Review: 25 Dec 16
A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped!
It is physical pain trying to watch JOY, as it stumbles around in the dark grasping at Inspirational Movie.

JUL – JUS

JULIE AND JULIA

7 Star

TOP

JULIE AND JULIA

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 23 Apr 11
The Cookie Monster Cometh.
Meryl Streep (as Julia Child) ululates her way through this exceptional little quasi-biopic sounding like Graham Chapman in a dress.

JUMPER

5 Star

TOP

JUMPER

Release: Feb 08 – Review: 8 Oct 08
Jumping the Snark.
JUMPER is a one-trick pony that wishes it knew just one more trick.

JUMPING JACKS

6 Star

TOP

JUMPING JACKS

Release: Jun 52 – Review: 14 Sep 17
Jumping to Contusions.
… marks the third time Martin and Lewis have been in the military. Army, Navy, now Paratroopers.

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

7 Star

TOP

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 16 Apr 17
Bare Man-cessitites.
“Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon.

JUNO

5 Star

TOP

JUNO

Release: Dec 07 – Review: 5 Mar 10
Verging on Virgin-on-Virgin.
… the hypocrisy of the American public that would scream statutory rape when 16-year-olds are impregnated in real life and then embrace this movie as “outrageously offbeat.”

JURASSIC PARK

7 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK

Release: Jun 93 – Review: 10 Apr 07
Dino Mighty.
… the film-makers had won. We were their bitches. There could be no more stop-motion or Harryhausen after seeing the grandeur and “real-ness” of Spielberg’s saurians.

JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD

5 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK THE LOST WORLD

Release: May 97 – Review: 22 Feb 10
Boring Roaring.
Let it be known: JURASSIC PARK II was not made for its story, nor for art, nor for fans, nor for enjoyment, purely for dirty profit.

JURASSIC PARK III

5 Star

TOP

JURASSIC PARK III

Release: Jul 01 – Review: 3 Jan 10
Excitement replaced by Excrement.
… the corporations and marketers and unevolved apes who call themselves filmmakers have forgotten what made dinosaurs such a wonder in the first place.

JURASSIC WORLD

7 Star

TOP

JURASSIC WORLD

Release: Jun 15 – Review: 20 Jun 15
Rex flex.
… though derivative, formulaic and plagiarized, JURASSIC WORLD is still a lot of fun..

JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS

5 Star

TOP

JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS

Release: Mar 86 – Review: 30 Nov 09
Ménage à Ted.
What happens when two MILFs discover they’re bonking the same man? Unbridled pouting.

JUST GO WITH IT

6 Star

TOP

JUST GO WITH IT

Release: Feb 11 – Review: 19 Dec 12
Going for mangina. And succeeding.
… dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed out loud many times.)

JUSTICE LEAGUE

7 Star

TOP

JUSTICE LEAGUE

Release: Nov 17 – Review: 21 Dec 17
The League of Extraordinary Superpeeps.
An interstellar villain tries to destroy Earth, but is vanquished with punching and computer jargon, by a fresh clique of supers called the JUSTICE LEAGUE.