LAD – LAW

LADY IN THE WATER

8 Star

TOP

LADY IN THE WATER

Release: Aug 06 – Review: 18 Aug 06
Part real. Part fable. All Night.
… make-believe of the highest order, taken with a generous pinch of sandman salt and a mountainous suspension of disbelief.

THE LADYKILLERS 2004

7 Star

TOP

THE LADYKILLERS 2004

Release: Mar 04 – Review: 9 Nov 10
Killer me saucy.
A farcical heist movie, with quirky characters, sharp, dark storyline and dialogue so delicious you can feed your cat with it.

LAKEVIEW TERRACE

6 Star

TOP

LAKEVIEW TERRACE

Release: Sep 08 – Review: 27 Apr 09
Jules Winnfield in the ‘burbs.
… puts Jules Winnfield from PULP FICTION in a quaint suburban setting, and lets him live like his wallet: a bad mother fucker.

LAND OF THE LOST 2009

4 Star

TOP

LAND OF THE LOST 2009

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 5 Jun 10
Bland of the Lost.
Ferrell’s lines seem to be less part of the script and more like some idiot making jokes at the end of your table in Denny’s at 3 a.m.

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

6 Star

TOP

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

Release: Aug 75 – Review: 16 May 17
Doug versus dinos, in a battle to the rubber suit!
During World War II, German and British sailors onboard a U-boat encounter a prehistoric land where every dinosaur is trying to kill them – even the herbivores.

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL

7 Star

TOP

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL

Release: Oct 07 – Review: 8 Sep 14
It’s a doll house – a DOLL HOUSE!
… Lars one day buys a Real Doll named Bianca, lavishes all the emotions of a real relationship on her – love, jealousy, impatience, happiness – and doesn’t have sex with her. In other words, he’s having a real relationship.

THE LAST AIRBENDER

4 Star

TOP

THE LAST AIRBENDER

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 10 Dec 10
Bender me this, Bender!
… in juggling the ubiquitous special effects, it was all too much for Night to handle, resulting in him having a bender…

THE LAST CASTLE

3 Star

TOP

THE LAST CASTLE

Release: Oct 01 – Review: Nov 01
The Last Farcical.
Redford launches a prison revolt, inmates rallying behind him due to his iron-fisted reputation and rakish good looks.

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

6 Star

TOP

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Release: Sep 13 – Review: 3 Sep 15
Martian Cold War.
Life not as we know it takes down a Martian expedition. It’s a cold, people. Bacteria. Great, and I forgot to pack the Vicks Vaporub…

THE LAST EXORCISM

6 Star

TOP

THE LAST EXORCISM

Release: Aug 10 – Review: 5 Feb 11
Here There Be Redneck Demons.
… a refreshing take on the old staple of possessed young girls and the preachers who love to exorcise them.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II

4 Star

TOP

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II

Release: Mar 13 – Review: 3 Sep 13
Not really “Last” and not really “Exorcism.”
… soon enough, Nell is floating off the bed, bent over backwards in that double-jointed manner that we men find so attractive.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT 2009

5 Star

TOP

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT 2009

Release: Mar 09 – Review: 21 Sep 09
Ingmar Bergman is spinning in the last grave on the left…
Whereas Bergman’s film focused on the STORY, Iliadis’s film – like Craven’s before it – focuses on the GORY.

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

8 Star

TOP

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Release: Sep 06 – Review: 28 May 07
Acid Reign.
… a scary fictional tale about a scarier real dictator.

THE LAST PICTURE SHOW

7 Star

TOP

THE LAST PICTURE SHOW

Release: Oct 71 – Review: 31 May 10
To Live and Die in Hicksville.
Sex in a small town. And more sex. And more sex…

THE LAST SAMURAI

7 Star

TOP

THE LAST SAMURAI

Release: Dec 03 – Review: 2 Apr 06
Samurai Hei.
… a grandiose film, sweeping, majestic, inspiring – even WITH Tom Cruise in it.

THE LAST STAND

5 Star

TOP

THE LAST STAND

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 12 Jan 15
Arnold’s Back! And he’s… uh, just a guy.
He conquered Thulsa Doom, hunted down a Predator and terminated Terminators. Now, Arnold Schwarzenegger faces his greatest foe – a Spanish guy in a sports car.

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

5 Star

TOP

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 14 Mar 10
… and Justice for none.
… starts as a very satisfactory, righteous vigilante story and turns into a one-dimensional vendetta that involves Clyde blowing stuff up, Hollywood style.

THE LAZARUS EFFECT

5 Star

TOP

THE LAZARUS EFFECT

Release: Feb 15 – Review: 21 Oct 15
Dead On Arrival.
… about a team of scientists trying to bring people back from the dead, ironically loses its effect when the person brought back from the dead starts killing people.

LEG – LIV

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

3 Star

TOP

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 3 Oct 16
Homer meets Chippendale’s.
The movie 300 had rough dungeon sex with GLADIATOR and they had a dim-witted child called THE LEGEND OF HERCULES.

LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE

8 Star

TOP

LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 7 Aug 11
Owling at the Moon.
… epic and poignant and majestic and cute in all the right owly ways.

LEGION

3 Star

TOP

LEGION

Release: Jan 10 – Review: 9 Jan 11
Apoca-Limps.
Aimed at bible freaks who think mankind has preferential standing with a deity who is powerful enough to create the universe yet unable to wipe out five humans at a truck stop.

THE LEGO MOVIE

9 Star

TOP

THE LEGO MOVIE

Release: Mar 14 – Review: 16 Apr 14
Will knock your block off!
… a riotous brick house of bedazzlement.

LEON

10 Star

TOP

LEON

Release: Nov 94 – Review: 25 May 14
Angel and the Bad Man.
If cuteness has a forbidden name – then, oh Christ! It must be Natalie Portman!

LESS THAN ZERO

5 Star

TOP

LESS THAN ZERO

Release: Nov 87 – Review: 6 Jun 11
High and Mighty or just Mighty High?
Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz spend their time looking for Robert Downey Jr. who’s whacked out on drugs and prostituting himself.

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

10 Star

TOP

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 2 Feb 07
The Devil Wears Red, White and Blue.
… culturally, philosophically and artistically one of the great Japanese films. Made in America.

LEVIATHAN

2 Star

TOP

LEVIATHAN

Release: Mar 89 – Review: 16 May 11
Levia-Thin.
Three words describe LEVIATHAN: Abyss, Alien, Thing.

LIAR LIAR

7 Star

TOP

LIAR LIAR

Release: Mar 97 – Review: 23 Aug 10
Fabrication Retardation.
Awesome Carrey. That’s no lie.

LIFE OF PI

6 Star

TOP

LIFE OF PI

Release: Nov 12 – Review: 21 Jan 14
The Gripe with Pi.
… with the muck of God pervading every second line of dialogue, it makes me want to crucify somebody.

LIFE ITSELF

7 Star

TOP

LIFE ITSELF

Release: Jul 14 – Review: 13 Sep 15
The 24-frames-per-second Life.
Roger Ebert excelled at something that everyone thinks they can do, but which no one did better.

LIMITLESS

7 Star

TOP

LIMITLESS

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 12 Aug 11
Full Frontal Lobity.
A super-man tale, where the protagonist is suddenly faster, smarter, stronger; a regular Steve Austin (without the boing-oing-oing-oing sounds).

LINCOLN

9 Star

TOP

LINCOLN

Release: Nov 12 – Review: 28 Sep 13
When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species…
… portraying a canny politician, an affectionate father, a legendary hero, a fallible man, and the world’s most famous beard (besides Nicole Kidman).

LIONS FOR LAMBS

9 Star

TOP

LIONS FOR LAMBS

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Oct 08
Roaring Thunder for Republican Muttonheads.
… a wake up call to America – wake up and smell the lunatic euphemisms the Republican administration is shoveling down your incognizant throat!

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

7 Star

TOP

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Release: Jul 07 – Review: 23 Jul 07
In Bruce We Trust.
… a ramped, incendiary, chest-beater of a thriller and surely the best Boy’s Movie of the summer…

LO – LUC

LO

5 Star

TOP

LO

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 2 Jan 13
Lo and Behold.
… about summoning demons, selling souls and whipping pussies.

LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS

10 Star

TOP

LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS

Release: Mar 99 – Review: 4 Nov 06
LOCK, STOCK comes at us with two smoking barrels.
… the work of a film-maker who remembers that movies are, first and foremost, Entertainment.

LOGAN

9 Star

TOP

LOGAN

Release: Mar 17 – Review: 7 Apr 17
Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter…
Sad, somber and ultra-violent, LOGAN is truly – as Hugh Jackman hoped – the UNFORGIVEN of superhero movies…

THE LONE RANGER 2013

6 Star

TOP

THE LONE RANGER 2013

Release: Jul 13 – Review: 12 Feb 16
A stranger Ranger.
… numerous sad nods to the Native Americans’ cruel treatment at the hands of white “pioneers” – a message that would be infinitely more impactful if a WHITE MAN were not playing a RED MAN!

THE LONGEST DAY

6 Star

TOP

THE LONGEST DAY

Release: Oct 62 – Review: 4 Jun 13
The Longest Fey.
… not jingoistic, but numbly patriotic. It unapologetically glamorizes war and the men who love to die in it.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

10 Star

TOP

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Release: Dec 01 – Review: Feb 02
The Bling’s The Thing.
… The Fellowship, a ragtag troupe made up of a Wizard (Gandalf), an Elf (Legolas), a Dwarf (Gimli), four Hobbits (headed by Frodo Baggins), a Human (Boromir), and a sex symbol dripping with man-sweat (Aragorn).

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS

8 Star

TOP

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS

Release: Dec 02 – Review: 13 Jan 10
When Wizards Collide.
… Middle-earth’s middle film (the red-headed child of Peter Jackson’s nonpareil RINGS trilogy)…

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

9 Star

TOP

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Release: Dec 03 – Review: 18 Dec 04
deus ex tolkiena.
The wealth of creative staff employed by Jackson brought a depth to the visualization of Tolkein’s wonders that Tolkein himself would never have had the capacity to envision.

THE LOST WORLD

6 Star

TOP

THE LOST WORLD

Release: Jun 25 – Review: 10 Apr 17
In the beginning, God said, Let there be Willis…
… the Big Bang of dinosaur/monster movies. We trace a direct line from this seminal film all the way through every iteration and pale imitator of KING KONG, GODZILLA, and JURASSIC PARK.

THE LOST WORLD 1960

2 Star

TOP

THE LOST WORLD 1960

Release: Jul 60 – Review: 26 Apr 09
Stay Lost.
… definitely FOR ten-year-olds, seemingly made BY ten-year-olds.

LOVE AND SEX

5 Star

TOP

LOVE AND SEX

Release: Jul 00 – Review: 21 Jun 07
Aiming for mediocre – and succeeding.
Another savagely average boy-girl “romantic comedy” with nothing new to say, nothing profound to offer and nothing remotely involving….

THE LOVE GURU

6 Star

TOP

THE LOVE GURU

Release: Jun 08 – Review: 23 Feb 09
Half-Spreading the Love.
… another excuse for Mike Myers to act unutterably stupid – and get paid for it.

LOVE HAPPENS

4 Star

TOP

LOVE HAPPENS

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 27 Feb 10
Shit Happens.
Two blond white American upper-class people fall in love. Through all the adversity of being blond and white and American…

THE LOVES OF HERCULES

3 Star

TOP

THE LOVES OF HERCULES

Release: Aug 60 – Review: 18 May 17
The Pussywhipping Of Hercules.
Jayne Mansfield’s canned-ham breasts seduce Mickey Hargitay’s petite skirt and oiled pecs …

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN

6 Star

TOP

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN

Release: Apr 06 – Review: 25 Nov 06
Überhip Ünderworld.
… if there is such a thing as “too hip,” Paul McGuigan’s LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN would be choking on its own faux street cred.