MAC – MAT

MACHETE

6 Star

TOP

MACHETE

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 17 Apr 11
Carving a niche for immigration heroes.
… Danny Trejo brings his battleground face to the title role of Robert Rodriguez’s hilariously vicious MACHETE.

MACHETE KILLS

5 Star

TOP

MACHETE KILLS

Release: Oct 13 – Review: 23 Aug 14
Cutting Coyote Comedy.
I can’t tell whether MACHETE KILLS is stupider than EXPENDABLES 2 or smarter than JACK REACHER.

THE MACHINE

7 Star

TOP

THE MACHINE

Release: Apr 14 – Review: 23 Apr 15
Too intelligent for its steel jugs.
A female robot with artificial intelligence! In other words, a female.

MACHINE GUN PREACHER

7 Star

TOP

MACHINE GUN PREACHER

Release: Nov 11 – Review: 17 Jul 15
Rebel With A Cause.
Sam Childers is doing the greatest of things (rescuing children) for the stupidest of reasons (God).

MAD MAX

9 Star

TOP

MAD MAX

Release: Apr 79 – Review: 28 Jul 15
Arc of a Driver.
Mel Gibson is mad. We know that now. But in 1979, he was madder.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

8 Star

TOP

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

Release: May 15 – Review: 23 Jun 15
Car Chase as Metaphor for a Brave Mad World.
… a ballet of fiery incandescence, a violent visual poem of psycho-licious demolition derby.

MADAGASCAR

3 Star

TOP

MADAGASCAR

Release: May 05 – Review: 16 Apr 07
Mad at Gascar.
The action is loud, slapstick, colorful and – unless you are eight – generally unfunny.

MAFIA

1 Star

TOP

MAFIA

Release: Jul 98 – Review: 7 Dec 06
“What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?”
This movie is the severed horse’s head bleeding all over the pajamas of intelligent moviegoers everywhere.

MAGIC MIKE

5 Star

TOP

MAGIC MIKE

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 30 Jul 13
Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast?
Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance!

MAGIC MIKE XXL

4 Star

TOP

MAGIC MIKE XXL

Release: Jul 15 – Review: 12 Mar 16
Man-Sized Boredom.
… monumental bronze-bodied waste of time…

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN 2016

8 Star

TOP

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN 2016

Release: Sep 16 – Review: 27 Nov 16
The Magnificent Minorities.
… director Antoine Fuqua, praying at the altar of Kurosawa, Leone and Eastwood, crafts a majestic modern take on this paean to mythical heroes.

THE MAIDEN HEIST

5 Star

TOP

THE MAIDEN HEIST

Release: Oct 09 – Review: 20 Nov 09
The Passion of The Heist.
A quaint little heist comedy, with a nifty romantic resolution…

MALCOLM X

7 Star

TOP

MALCOLM X

Release: Nov 92 – Review: 11 Feb 09
Malcolm in the Shizzle.
Before MLK, Before O, there was – X.

MALEFICENT

3 Star

TOP

MALEFICENT

Release: May 14 – Review: 6 Jan 17
Malevolent CGI and Magnificent Stupidity.
Sleeping Beauty. The tale you’ve been inculcated with has been turned on its head. And it’s still idiotic.

THE MAN FROM BEYOND

5 Star

TOP

THE MAN FROM BEYOND

Release: Apr 22 – Review: 25 Jun 14
The Man Beyond Men playing a Man from Beyond.
The only academic reason to watch this film is for its star: The Escapist, The King Of Handcuffs, The Man Of Marvels, The Mysteriarch – Harry Houdini!

MAN OF STEEL

9 Star

TOP

MAN OF STEEL

Release: Jun 2013 – Review: 1 Jul 13
Kneel Before Steel.
Darkness, moral ambiguity, self-doubt, wearing underpants inside the trousers: these are things not commonly associated with Superman.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM

6 Star

TOP

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM

Release: Dec 55 – Review: 21 Jul 14
The Ham With The Golden Charm.
… his ex-girlfriend won’t stop being hot, his lowlife “business associates” won’t stop bugging him to deal cards, and his pusher won’t stop living just across the street!

MANHATTAN

8 Star

TOP

MANHATTAN

Release: Apr 79 – Review: 13 Jun 10
Allen’s Town.
On the island city of MANHATTAN, Woody Allen’s masterful study of how every person is an island.

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE

1 Star

TOP

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE

Release: Nov 66 – Review: 10 Dec 14
Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it.
… holds a unique attraction, a certain unkempt panache that brings us back time and again aching for more. Emphasis on aching.

MARGIN CALL

9 Star

TOP

MARGIN CALL

Release: Jan 11 – Review: 23 Sep 12
Shark Poop Swim Eat.
… what might have happened at the desk of Any Given Analyst when he first discovered that the unethical practices his firm was ensconced in were about to turn around and bite the world in the ass.

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

7 Star

TOP

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Release: Nov 07 – Review: 6 Apr 09
The Family that frays together…
What do you get when you reunite two high maintenance sisters after years of not speaking to each other? Higher maintenance.

MARLEY AND ME

3 Star

TOP

MARLEY AND ME

Release: Dec 08 – Review: 27 Apr 09
The Pursuit of Crappyness.
I guess dog lovers think this is funny? Like Hurricane Katrina was funny to New Orleans.

THE MARTIAN

7 Star

TOP

THE MARTIAN

Release: Oct 15 – Review: 31 Oct 15
Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars.
Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card.

MARY POPPINS

4 Star

TOP

MARY POPPINS

Release: Aug 64 – Review: 31 Dec 13
Super-Wanky-Capitalistic-Excreta-and-Atrocious.
The chances of a modern kid over seven years old being able to sit still through this old-world LSD Dickensian fancy-mare are as slim as Dick Van Dyke nailing a British accent.

MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN

6 Star

TOP

MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN

Release: Nov 94 – Review: 27 Oct 16
Frankenstein’s Mobster.
… fevered, overwrought encomium to mad scientists and the monsters they create.

THE MASTER

7 Star

TOP

THE MASTER

Release: Sep 12 – Review: 17 Sep 14
MASTER-ful.
Joaquin Phoenix meets Philip Seymour Hoffman and all Asgard and Midgard tremble in their Acting wake.

MATCH POINT

9 Star

TOP

MATCH POINT

Release: Jan 06 – Review: 2 Sep 06
Unmatched.
… Allen’s subtexts in this movie are hilarious for their blackness…

THE MAZE RUNNER

5 Star

TOP

THE MAZE RUNNER

Release: Sep 14 – Review: 23 Feb 16
This is how we Pac Man now.
… filled with sprinting and fighting and loud soundtrack, and I guess that’s why the only girl in this sausage-fest looks like Kristen Stewart.

MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS

4 Star

TOP

MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS

Release: Sep 15 – Review: 5 Jul 16
Out of the maze, and out of ideas.
Well, there’s no maze, no scorch and no trials.

ME – MOD

ME MYSELF AND IRENE

6 Star

TOP

ME, MYSELF AND IRENE

Release: Jun 00 – Review: Oct 01
So Much Effort, So Little Movie.
Jim Carrey in another 10-star performance. Alas, for a mere 6-star movie.

MEET THE BLACKS

5 Star

TOP

MEET THE BLACKS

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 15 May 17
Purge-atory.
If you haven’t seen THE PURGE, then the premise of MEET THE BLACKS will be even less funny than it already is.

MEET THE FOCKERS

5 Star

TOP

MEET THE FOCKERS

Release: Dec 04 – Review: 9 Apr 06
Fock This!
There are two big laughs in MEET THE FOCKERS – but I can’t remember where they are.

MEMENTO

9 Star

TOP

MEMENTO

Release: Mar 01 – Review: 28 Nov 06
The Reverse Genius Principle.
Christopher Nolan has crafted a film where the clues to a murder fall neatly OUT of place. Backwards.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

6 Star

TOP

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 28 Jun 11
The Film That Stares Into Space.
… how your tax dollars were misappropriated by the George W. Bush administration to make the Fake War On Terror even faker.

METROPOLIS

8 Star

TOP

METROPOLIS

Release: Mar 27 – Review: 27 Mar 14
Fritz Lang and Karl Marx had a nightmare-child…
… an ancient German expressionist film set in the future – but its message is as current as bank bailouts destroying the world economy.

MIDWAY

4 Star

TOP

MIDWAY

Release: Jun 76 – Review: 5 Jul 11
Midway between “average” and “annoying crap.”
Director Jack Smight has a TV movie on his hands that he believes will be fleshed out by his “movie stars”…

MIGHTY JOE YOUNG

5 Star

TOP

MIGHTY JOE YOUNG

Release: Jul 49 – Review: 26 Jun 14
If KING KONG and Disney had a deformed baby…
… if you wondered how KING KONG might’ve looked with a happy ending, look no further than MIGHTY JOE YOUNG.

MILK

8 Star

TOP

MILK

Release: Nov 08 – Review: 9 Apr 09
Got Rights?
… Harvey Milk, the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America.

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

9 Star

TOP

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Release: Jan 05 – Review: 19 Jul 10
Punch drunk love.
Clint Eastwood’s magnificent tone-poem of determination, respect, redemption, salvation, loyalty… oh, and there’s some boxing and stuff…

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994

1 Star

TOP

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994

Release: Nov 94 – Review: 30 Mar 06
A Muddle-Headed Miracle.
… one of those well-intentioned “dangerous” movies which purport to wholesome “family” entertainment, whilst insidiously intimating that intelligence and reason are only for fools.

MIRROR MIRROR 2012

4 Star

TOP

MIRROR MIRROR 2012

Release: Mar 12 – Review: 31 May 14
Snow Shite and the Repression Dwarfs.
A retelling of Snow White from the wicked queen’s point of view. Which means MIRROR MIRROR makes as much sense as every other point of view – none.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

8 Star

TOP

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

Release: May 96 – Review: 16 Feb 17
Cruisin’ for a Contusion.
… De Palma and Cruise ratchet the suspense to mind-bending proportions with updated technology, judicious editing and dangling man-toy.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2

6 Star

TOP

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2

Release: May 00 – Review: 6 Apr 12
Highway to the Ambivalent Zone.
John Woo does to the franchise what Joel Schumacher did to Tim Burton’s BATMAN franchise – gay it up.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

7 Star

TOP

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

Release: May 06 – Review: 8 Feb 17
The Running Spy.
If you like running, you’ll love MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Because that’s all that Tom Cruise seems to be doing in it.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION

7 Star

TOP

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – ROGUE NATION

Release: Jul 15 – Review: 29 Aug 15
Mission TomCruise-able.
Tom Cruise is once again Ethan Hunt. IMF Superspy. And I-do-my-own-stunts lunatic.

MISSION TO MARS

4 Star

TOP

MISSION TO MARS

Release: Mar 00 – Review: 29 May 06
Mission To Farce.
… so many misdemeanors, misrepresentations, misapplied physics laws, missteps and misapprehension of spacefaring dialect that one wonders which second-grader took three months off school to helm it.

MITT

1 Star

TOP

MITT

Release: Jan 14 – Review: 12 Feb 14
On Planet Mitt, no one can hear you fake-laugh…
… a fly-on-the-wall, BLAIR WITCH, 90-minute, found-footage B-roll that says nothing and goes nowhere.

MOBY DICK

7 Star

TOP

MOBY DICK

Release: Jun 56 – Review: 3 Dec 09
Taming the Beast of Man.
So there I am, big white sperm whale, enjoying the ocean green, going about my whaley business, when along comes Cap’n Ahab and harpoons me!

MODERN TIMES

7 Star

TOP

MODERN TIMES

Release: Feb 36 – Review: 9 Sep 14
The Future Back Then.
Little Tramp meets Little Trampette, and all Industrial Revolution breaks loose!

MON – MY

MONEYBALL

7 Star

TOP

MONEYBALL

Release: Sep 11 – Review: 21 Jul 13
When Statistics Became Sexy.
…”How can you not be romantic about baseball?” which is ironic, because he just spent the whole movie deconstructing The Great American Pastime’s romanticism with “sabermetrics”…

MONSTER HOUSE

6 Star

TOP

MONSTER HOUSE

Release: Jun 06 – Review: 20 Feb 07
Property Impropriety.
Adults will be technically delighted, teens might be somewhat amused and little kids won’t even conceptualize the psychotic horror beneath the surface scares.

MONSTER-IN-LAW

1 Star

TOP

MONSTER-IN-LAW

Release: May 05 – Review: 18 May 06
Dogwalker Meets Bitch.
… Fonda’s family name deserves better than to be sullied with moronic sewage spill such as this.

MONSTERS VS ALIENS

5 Star

TOP

MONSTERS VS ALIENS

Release: Mar 09 – Review: 24 Oct 09
Monstrous Alienation.
… funny characters and a straightforward storyline that kiddies will understand. Yet it fails for a fundamental reason – it advocates Guantánamo Bay!

MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR

8 Star

TOP

MONTY PYTHON: AND NOW FOR SOMETHING RATHER SIMILAR

Release: Jun 14 – Review: 9 Feb 15
Monty Python – The Autumn Years.
IT’S. Monty Python’s Flying Circus 2014. Oh, and one of them’s been dead for over 25 years like a very naughty boy.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

10 Star

TOP

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Release: Mar 75 – Review: 4 Aug 07
How we know the Earth to be Banana-Shaped.
… Python schools Hollywood on the Shakespearean value of playing all the parts yourselves, and using really, really silly voices.

MOON

8 Star

TOP

MOON

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 30 Mar 10
Space Oddity.
… an intelligent, thoughtful, unsettling, dialogue-driven drama and the first true science fiction movie in a light year.

MOONRAKER

1 Star

TOP

MOONRAKER

Release: Jun 79 – Review: 30 Nov 13
Moonraper.
… doesn’t so much craft a story as create a series of fine messes that Bond must get out of, with no thought to logic, continuity, motivation or plot.

MOTHMAN

3 Star

TOP

MOTHMAN

Release: Apr 10 – Review: 2 Apr 14
Like a Moth to a Lame…
… the eponymous man-moth returns to the small town of Point Pleasant to avenge a murder that has gone unpunished. And all cheap special effects break loose.

THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

7 Star

TOP

THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

Release: Jan 02 – Review: 28 Oct 12
Of gods and mothmen.
Big moth! Big mystery!

MOVIE 43

8 Star

TOP

MOVIE 43

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 23 Jul 14
Disgusting Inappropriate Filthy Hilarious Hellspawn Godsend.
… will offend, distress, embarrass, infuriate, ejaculate, and give you anal warts.

MR AND MRS SMITH

5 Star

TOP

MR AND MRS SMITH

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 18 May 08
Emasculation Proclamation.
Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to popcorn and die – that’s how stupid this movie treats us.

MR BLUE SKY

7 Star

TOP

MR BLUE SKY

Release: Oct 12 – Review: 17 Jul 13
Into The Blue…
… singer, songwriter, producer, guitarist, vocalist, keyboardist, control freak, all-round nice guy, and (according to Paul McCartney) total twat – Jeff Lynne.

MR BROOKS

8 Star

TOP

MR BROOKS

Release: Jun 07 – Review: 3 Feb 09
Serial-licious.
… Kevin Costner dives into the psychotic title character with a violinist’s verve.

MR HOLLAND'S OPUS

6 Star

TOP

MR HOLLANDS OPUS

Release: Jan 96 – Review: 17 Mar 10
Mopus Opus.
A well-intentioned redemption movie that follows all its formulas sweetly, then tries one last tear-jerk that just makes us feel dirty…

MR PEABODY AND SHERMAN

6 Star

TOP

MR PEABODY AND SHERMAN

Release: Mar 14 – Review: 15 Sep 15
A Dogsbody and his Peaboy.
Thrilling adventures, comical characters and excellent animation, coupled with careless mixed messages, makes MR. PEABODY & SHERMAN a bittersweet doggie biscuit.

MR RIGHT

6 Star

TOP

MR RIGHT

Release: Apr 16 – Review: 2 Dec 16
Ms. Overcute Overdone.
… Kendrick overdoes the cuteness by a factor of ten Hello Kittys…

MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

5 Star

TOP

MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

Release: Oct 39 – Review: 31 Oct 09
Pure as the driven ho.
… relies on the age-old tactic of being a drama queen to get through the armor of corrupt politicians.

MR WOODCOCK

4 Star

TOP

MR WOODCOCK

Release: Sep 07 – Review: 18 Dec 08
Wooden Cack.
It’s BAD SANTA meets any Will Ferrell sports movie. Which means it’s Billy Bob Thornton in a comedy that really sucks.

MUD

7 Star

TOP

MUD

Release: May 13 – Review: 18 Jul 14
Love hurts/stinks/uplifts: message clear as mud.
His name is Mud. And his name is pretty much mud. And the movie is MUD. Now isn’t that convenient?!

MULTIPLICITY

7 Star

TOP

MULTIPLICITY

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 24 Jan 10
Keaton’s Bravura Quadriformance.
One person sells MULTIPLICITY: Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton.

MUNICH

7 Star

TOP

MUNICH

Release: Dec 05 – Review: 8 Jan 06
An Ingenious Fantasy by a Fantasy Genius.
MUNICH is not about Munich. Nor is it about events which followed the massacre of Israeli athletes. It is about Steven Spielberg’s ego. .

MY BRILLIANT CAREER

7 Star

TOP

MY BRILLIANT CAREER

Release: Aug 79 – Review: 30 Apr 14
An old fashioned tale of a new fashioned woman.
… a young girl from a poverty-stricken family in the Australian outback dreams of being a writer, against the wishes of her family…

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

6Star

TOP

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

Release: Jul 06 – Review: 24 Feb 10
High Maintenance Heroine.
It’s a very funny movie – even WITH the double-standard woman-empowering out of control.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE

7 Star

TOP

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE

Release: Apr 96 – Review: 15 Apr 14
The science of silly.
… shitty film garnished with excellent jokes – nothing that a devoted MSTie hasn’t experienced before.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN

8 Star

TOP

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE RETURN

Release: Apr 17 – Review: 9 May 17
Playing MSTie for us, like it never went away.
… Joel Hodgson reclaims the airwaves in the name of quirky intelligence.

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 -SEASON 11

8 Star

TOP

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 – SEASON 11

Release: Apr 17 – Review: 11 May 17
A Season with eighteen years seasoning.
… same format, brand new crew, new voices for familiar old friends, and, of course, the worst movies made by Mankind.