PAI – PEO

PAIN AND GAIN

7 Star

TOP

PAIN AND GAIN

Release: Apr 13 – Review: 17 Feb 17
Get Rich or Die Lifting.
… three Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a wealthy restaurant owner and supplant themselves in his affluent lifestyle. If only they had as much brain as muscle.

PAM AND TOMMY LEE: HARDCORE & UNCENSORED

2 Star

TOP

PAM AND TOMMY LEE: HARDCORE & UNCENSORED

Release: 1998 – Review: 24 Nov 09
White Trash Circus.
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee naked. Like we haven’t seen that before.

PAN'S LABYRINTH

8 Star

TOP

PAN’S LABYRINTH

Release: Jan 07 – Review: 24 Sep 09
A wondrously grim fairy tale.
The only fairytale I can think of more gruesome is the King James Bible.

PANDORUM

6 Star

TOP

PANDORUM

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 10 Jun 11
Pablum-orum.
… One Great Idea subsumed by all the bloodied action and trapped-in-space mayhem and frenzied filmstock required to hold a modern audience’s attention.

THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK

7 Star

TOP

THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK

Release: Oct 71 – Review: 15 Sep 11
Just say (Paci)NO.
Before THE GODFATHER, there was an actor called Al Pacino.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

7 Star

TOP

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Release: Sep 09 – Review: 14 Oct 09
Pants Not Normal Activity.
… works on the premise elucidated by Stephen King: don’t show the monsters.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

2 Star

TOP

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

Release: Oct 10 – Review: 14 Sep 11
Are We Scare Yet?
It was innovative ONCE. Fool us twice, shame on us.

PARANORMAL ENTITY

1 Star

TOP

PARANORMAL ENTITY

Release: Dec 09 – Review: 23 Aug 10
Paranormal En-titty.
I watched PARANORMAL ENTITY at night and I was not able to sleep afterwards. I was laughing that hard.

PARKER

6 Star

TOP

PARKER

Release: Jan 13 – Review: 2 Jun 15
Easy revenge, hard injuries.
… Mr. Statham and director Taylor Hackford take no discernible risks or stray too far from the path of Righteous Bitchslap.

PASSENGER 57

5 Star

TOP

PASSENGER 57

Release: Nov 92 – Review: 2 Feb 10
Plain Plane Pain.
Wesley must use his patented Wesley Kwon Do to bring down the bad guys and the plane efficiently.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

4 Star

TOP

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Release: Aug 04 – Review: 7 Apr 09
The Bashin’ of The Christ.
Yeah, this is what all those other Jesus movies have been missing – the TORTURE. If you’re gonna bash Jesus, you might as well bash him right.

PATHS OF GLORY

9 Star

TOP

PATHS OF GLORY

Release: Oct 57 – Review: 20 Jun 09
Paths of Gory.
… an outraged, frustrated scream against the duplicity, mendacity, idiocy, inhumaneness and ingloriousness of war.

PAUL

7 Star

TOP

PAUL

Release: Mar 11 – Review: 14 Aug 11
Kind Encounters of the Close Third.
It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind!

PAUL BLART MALL COP

4 Star

TOP

PAUL BLART MALL COP

Release: Jan 09 – Review: 22 Apr 11
DIE HARD with a Segway.
Kevin James is as funny as he can possibly be in PAUL BLART MALL COP – which means it’s a dull, uninspiring comedy that relies on him falling down and being fat a lot.

THE PEACEMAKER

3 Star

TOP

THE PEACEMAKER

Release: Sep 97 – Review: 18 Dec 05
The Cheesemaker.
Meanwhile, something of world-shaking import is happening – but in Nuclear Threat movies I can never quite scare up the interest to find out what.

PEARL HARBOR

5 Star

TOP

PEARL HARBOR

Release: May 01 – Review: 21 Jun 09
Pearl Before Swine.
… reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models.

PEOPLE I KNOW

7 Star

TOP

PEOPLE I KNOW

Release: Apr 03 – Review: 22 Jul 06
Who You Don’t Know Could Kill You.
Something happens after the first hour of PEOPLE I KNOW – it gets interesting.

PER – PLA

THE PERFECT GETAWAY

7 Star

TOP

THE PERFECT GETAWAY

Release: Aug 09 – Review: 2 Feb 10
Sunny, with a chance of homicide.
… a tension-soaked thriller that ratchets suspense not unlike a junior Hitchcock or Tarantino.

THE PERFECT SCORE

2 Star

TOP

THE PERFECT SCORE

Release: Jan 04 – Review: 14 Aug 05
Plan Teen From Outer Space.
It’s the Focus Group ruling that No Teen Model Shall Be Seen Cheating, so everyone with a hot butt comes to some inane reconciliation with their inadequacies…

A PERFECT WORLD

9 Star

TOP

A PERFECT WORLD

Release: Nov 93 – Review: 24 Jul 06
A Perfect Vision of an Imperfect World.
Nature versus nurture. Fathers versus sons. Justice versus The Law. T-bones versus tater tots.

PHENOMENON

5 Star

TOP

PHENOMENON

Release: Jul 96 – Review: 5 Jan 07
Battlefield Iowa.
With his newfound powers, Travolta still can’t find an inane excuse to dance in this film…

PHILADELPHIA

9 Star

TOP

PHILADELPHIA

Release: Dec 93 – Review: 29 Apr 10
Lawyers cutting back door deals.
… it is driven home that “gays are human too” with Beckett’s family, friends, his intelligence, work ethic, musical tastes and big gay loverboy…

PI

6 Star

TOP

PI

Release: Jul 98 – Review: 12 Oct 08
Uneasy as Pi.
There is something genius lurking its way to the surface in Darren Aronofsky’s PI – but it gets sidetracked with hallucinatory drugs.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

7 Star

TOP

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

Release: Aug 08 – Review: 26 Jul 09
The Fast Track to Brotherly J.
… avoids the tired comedic punchliner mode and turns up at our door dressed in street cred and drinking a beer, burping in our faces…

PINK FLOYD: THE WALL

8 Star

TOP

PINK FLOYD: THE WALL

Release: Aug 82 – Review: 18 Apr 10
“Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall…”
… the movie of the album that hit us right between the teens, embedded in the darkest crouch of our gargoyle brains.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

7 Star

TOP

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

Release: Jul 03 – Review: 16 Dec 09
Shiver me fey timbers.
… as entertaining as it is ambitious, as rollicking as it is ridiculous, as boyish-action-movie as it is gender-bendingly-ambiguous.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

7 Star

TOP

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST

Release: Jun 06 – Review: 17 Jul 06
Captain Jack will get you high tonight…
… sun-seared tropical environs, intricately-designed ocean-creature monsters and eyeliner enough to embarrass a prostitute.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END

4 Star

TOP

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END

Release: May 07 – Review: 16 Jun 07
Jack-ing the Sparrow.
… the rascally diversion of the PIRATES series has turned into a MUST-EARN overblown bombast of money-raking white noise consumerism.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

5 Star

TOP

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Release: May 11 – Review: 24 Nov 11
Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum Diary.
Ironic that the story in this aged and worn PIRATES – is the quest for the fountain of youth.

PLANET 51

4 Star

TOP

PLANET 51

Release: Nov 09 – Review: 21 Mar 10
He who sips from many cups, drinks from none.
… glop of as many nudge-nudge wink-wink cultural references as cartoonly possible in an uninvolving 91-minute chase movie.

PLANET OF THE APES

10 Star

TOP

PLANET OF THE APES

Release: Apr 68 – Review: 28 Nov 14
A Planet where apes evolved from overactors.
Charlton Heston goes ape…

PLANET OF THE APES 2001

3 Star

TOP

PLANET OF THE APES 2001

Release: Jul 01 – Review: Aug 01
Marky Mark’s PLANET OF THE APES.
This truly IS the planet of the apes. “Taking it back” is as ludicrous as a bunch of apes landing on earth in 2001 and causing trouble with their overacting and advanced technology and hairy anuses.

PLAY MISTY FOR ME

7 Star

TOP

PLAY MISTY FOR ME

Release: Nov 71 – Review: 25 Aug 06
A Legend’s Misty Origin.
… Clint Eastwood confidently flaunts his directing debut with PLAY MISTY FOR ME – at an age when most actors these days are contemplating which reality show to make asses of themselves on.

POI – PUR

POINT BREAK

6 Star

TOP

POINT BREAK

Release: Jul 91 – Review: 15 Sep 09
Keanu and Patrick’s Excellent Adventure.
… like a greased board on Hawaiian neckbreakers, never letting us out of its action grip, or its bro-tastic overacting and über-cheese one-liners.

THE POKER CLUB

5 Star

TOP

THE POKER CLUB

Release: Oct 08 – Review: 19 Jul 09
Poker Haunt Us.
… the most fun you can have watching a poker movie without actually watching a poker movie.

POSEIDON

7 Star

TOP

POSEIDON

Release: May 06 – Review: 6 Jun 14
The Boat, The Wave, The Snake.
… well-made remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, with much more water and a lot less shouting.

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

8 Star

TOP

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

Release: Dec 72 – Review: 3 Jun 14
Upside Down On Fire!
… filled with suspense, action, human strength overcoming human frailty – and shouting; lots and lots of shouting.

THE POSTMAN

6 Star

TOP

THE POSTMAN

Release: Dec 97 – Review: 19 Nov 12
Going Postal for ‘Pocalypse.
… delivering lots of those sexy, edgy thrills that the practice of mail delivery is renowned for.

POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES

8 Star

TOP

POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 12 Apr 15
The times they are a-changing, with the crimes they are a-staging.
…offers an alternate/political-insider view to the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center, rather than the usual Islamophobic-breast-beating-Go-USA tripe…

PREDATORS

7 Star

TOP

PREDATORS

Release: Jul 10 – Review: 22 Nov 10
Roaring Ripping Rending Rebirth!
… Robert Rodriguez (producer) and Nimród Antal (director) shinked out their arm-talons and ripped forth a roaring rebirth for the franchise.

THE PRESTIGE

9 Star

TOP

THE PRESTIGE

Release: Oct 06 – Review: 6 Dec 06
Nolan’s Real Magic.
… an egomaniac that criss-crosses veins of intrigue and misdirection, pumping you breathless with half-lies and false truths until its powerful climax.

PRESTO

8 Star

TOP

PRESTO

Release: Jul 08 – Review: 22 Jul 08
Funny Hunger.
A magician, his magic top hat and his desperately cute and hungry rabbit..

PRETTY WOMAN

2 Star

TOP

PRETTY WOMAN

Release: Mar 90 – Review: 2 Feb 11
For the Love of Prostitution.
… a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness, tastelessness, uncleanliness, tardiness and, most notably, their small dicks)…

PRIMAL 2010

6 Star

TOP

PRIMAL 2010

Release: Sep 10 – Review: 22 Jan 14
Fear and Loathing and Shark-Teeth.
It’s like bad-delicious candy. You know it’s not healthy, it’s not educational, and it will probably destroy a few brain cells. But you eat it anyway.

PROMETHEUS

8 Star

TOP

PROMETHEUS

Release: Jun 12 – Review: 9 Sep 12
PROMETHEUS Unbound.
… a group of scientists trek to the farthest reaches of the universe, chasing down messages left during Earth’s primitive history, seeking the origin of Humankind.

THE PROPHECY

3 Star

TOP

THE PROPHECY

Release: Sep 95 – Review: 13 Jul 15
Angels In The Outhouse.
Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell.

THE PROPHECY II

1 Star

TOP

THE PROPHECY II

Release: Jan 98 – Review: 20 Aug 15
The Angelic Boast.
Angel Gabriel is thrown out of hell by Lucifer, and proceeds to cause hell on Earth by starring in THE PROPHECY II.

THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT

2 Star

TOP

THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT

Release: Mar 00 – Review: 22 Aug 15
Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit.
Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3 and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet…

THE PROPHECY: UPRISING

6 Star

TOP

THE PROPHECY: UPRISING

Release: Jun 05 – Review: 10 Oct 15
My gorge is up rising.
… reboots the PROPHECY legacy with better ideas, better actors, better production values and better not let Jesus know.

THE PROPHECY: FORSAKEN

2 Star

TOP

THE PROPHECY: FORSAKEN

Release: Sep 05 – Review: 10 Oct 15
Hells to the No.
… falls to Earth like Satan banished from heaven.

THE PROPOSAL

4 Star

TOP

THE PROPOSAL

Release: Jun 09 – Review: 7 Nov 09
I Do. Not.
Predictable? Check. Funny? Check. Cute little white dog named Kevin? Check. So we know what to expect from this crap going in.

THE PROPOSITION

9 Star

TOP

THE PROPOSITION

Release: Feb 06 – Review: 21 Feb 09
Brutal, Bloody, Beautiful.
… filth and dust and blood, punishing Outback heat bleeding off the screen; a land so untamed it spawns lawmen as sociopathic as the lawbreakers they pursue.

PUBLIC ENEMIES

6 Star

TOP

PUBLIC ENEMIES

Release: Jul 09 – Review: 26 Mar 10
Small time crooks painted larger than the criminals in any given corporation.
An insipid telling of the fast life and crooked times of America’s first Public Enemy Number 1, John Dillinger.

PUNCH DRUNK LOVE

7 Star

TOP

PUNCH DRUNK LOVE

Release: Nov 02 – Review: 30 Nov 10
Incredible movie of a non-credible story.
… Paul Thomas Anderson paints in dire hues, onerous sound and shifty-eyed desperation. And he makes a Man out of Adam Sandler – an achievement in itself.

THE PURGE

5 Star

TOP

THE PURGE

Release: Jun 13 – Review: 11 Feb 17
Knife-kill disguised as social commentary.
… a great concept that runs off the rails in a direction that is not the most interesting one.

PURPLE RAIN

7 Star

TOP

PURPLE RAIN

Release: Jul 84 – Review: 9 Mar 10
Hendrix’s Purple Phoenix Writ Large.
… a bemusing dichotomy – a dull, clichéd, formulaic storyline sprinkled liberally with the most innovative pop songs of its time.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

4 Star

TOP

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS

Release: Dec 06 – Review: 4 Jan 07
Dispiritying, Disheartenying, Distressying.
… goes awry in its execution, paying such sadistic detail to every mishap, misfortune and misstep of its hero that it loses all semblance of entertainment.