RAC – RED
Release: Feb 16 – Review: 5 Jan 17
It’s about Jesse Owens. And his races. And his race.
Release: Jan 08 – Review: 5 Aug 08
He’s a Fighter, Not a Lover.
Due to our inculcation that Rambo is a “hero” and heroes shouldn’t enjoy war, it takes a long time to sink in that this Rambo fella is actually as shallow as we’ve always joked about him over the last 25 years!
Release: May 85 – Review: 20 Feb 12
Blood and Thunder or Thud and blunder?
…the improbably named and impossibly bland sequel to the solid FIRST BLOOD.
Release: May 88 – Review: 7 Nov 10
Bigger, Badder, Body Oilier.
RAMBO III continues the RAMBO legacy by effectively blowing things up with wild abandon, while Sylvester Stallone keeps his shirt off.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 8 Dec 08
Blow me the money.
Both Mel and Rene do some fine traumatized acting – we really feel they’ve lost a son. But there’s nothing like Mel’s “tragic face” – you know that look he gets like he’s one feather-push away from going total Riggs.
Release: Jun13 – Review: 28 Sep 14
Apoca-Lips and a great rack.
… atheistic, irreverent and very funny, with just the right amount of C-cup. Just the way I like it.
Release: Nov 99 – Review: 9 Apr 10
Lots of blood and bones, bones through flesh, flesh in pots and Guy Pearce looking tasty in all the wrong ways that taste so right…
Release: Oct 04 – Review: 12 Oct 11
Tragedy and Triumph on the Cliché Superhighway.
… in crafting this ostensible monument to the blind blues-gospel pianist, they step knee deep in every cliché created by moviemaking mankind.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 6 Jun 09
Bedtime for Hitler.
…a heavy-handed, manipulative “romance” tale that will tear-jerk those who are inclined to be that way jerked, but will infuriate others with a shred of ethics.
Release: Oct 11 – Review: 6 May 12
Steel with Real Feel.
It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL?
Release: Apr 07 – Review: 24 Nov 08
Reaping what you sow: Superstitious Stupidity.
Swank as a scientist who debunks religious superstitions (tautology, I know) – only problem is: in THIS stupid movie, superstition wins.
Release: Oct 55 – Review: 15 Oct 11
A Giant in a midget’s movie.
…movie’s status has been conflated with its star’s talents; movie itself is dated, embarrassing, out-of-touch and very, very gay. And not in that fabulooouus way either.
Release: May 08 – Review: 26 Oct 08
Stealing the World with Hanging Chad.
… another nail in the “democracy” coffin. Even for those who detest politics, this movie unfolds like a thriller rather than a dusty legal doc.
Release: Oct 10 – Review: 29 Sep 11
Red-Blooded American Funtime.
… solid action-comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet seriously commits to delivering cheeky China White straight-to-the-vein outlandish bombast.
Release: Jul 13 – Review: 1 Jul 16
Better Dead Than RED 2.
A bunch of stunts and car chases got together and called itself RED 2.
Release: Aug 05 – Review: 17 Apr 07
A Craven effort.
… the longer it keeps going, the less it compels…
Release: Nov 00 – Review: 5 May 08
Blue-Skying Salmon Sky.
Smart-mouthing their way to Mars like glibness is fueling their ship, one of them says, “The hope and survival of mankind rests on us.” Gee, I hope not.
Release: Mar 11 – Review: 10 Jan 12
One look at the director of this piece and it all makes sense: Catherine Hardwicke, TWILIGHT. All the better to Chick-Flick you, my dear.
Release: Jun 72 – Review: 1 Jan 11
Stick ’em up – or just stick ’em!
Is it a Samurai Western or a Western Samurai movie? RED SUN: a unique action-adventure that is all six-shooters and sushi.
Release: Nov 07 – Review: 24 Nov 08
Hell on Earth, overlorded by Satan Bush.
Many would argue that these inmate-mentality drogues are not representative of American soldiers. But REDACTED raises the horrifying reality that these are not the exception – they are the rule.
REE – RIO
Release: Jun 10 – Review: 31 May 15
Red Film over White Eyes.
… travel into the dangerously racist heart of Hollywood and discover how cinema, since its inception, has shaped the false perception of the American Indian.
Release: Mar 07 – Review: 16 May 09
When Sandler’s good, he’s very good. (Did I just say that?)
The words Adam Sandler and Acting don’t fit together well. In Mike Binder’s drama REIGN OVER ME, they – ulp! – do.
Release: Jan 97 – Review: 23 Dec 12
Horror Movie Handbook meets Callous Director.
… bizarre murders at the museum, involving sucking out the victims’ hypothalamuses is where science and pseudo-bullshit collide.
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 24 Oct 08
Maher says it loud and proud: Stand up for what we DON’T believe in!
Release: Oct 07 – Review: 5 Jan 08
Lessons in Amerikan Euphemism.
… brutally brings to light the very real paranoia and pain-mongering of the American government, against anyone who looks sideways at their insanities.
Release: Feb 61 – Review: 7 May 17
The Euro Puppet Holocaust.
… whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet.
Release: Oct 00 – Review: 25 May 09
Heroes for a Loser Class.
… an intense cinematic experience is to sell it short – it is a scooping out of your intestines and playing with them before trying to squeeze them back into your torso, all while you’re conscious.
Release: Dec 84 – Review: 6 Feb 16
The Rubber Side of Vengeance.
… 1984, when Reagan made nukes all the rage, this film only reflecting the tenor of those fearful times.
Release: Jan 16 – Review: 10 Jun 16
Revenge served cooooold…
Think of the coldest pain you’ve ever felt. Now multiply it by Leonardo DiCaprio in a bear rug.
Release: Mar 55 – Review: 12 Oct 14
Bad Moviemakers Strike Again.
… not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking viewers.
Release: Mar 14 – Review: 7 Mar 14
REVIEW in need of review (of its soon-to-be lost financing, soon-to-be fired employees and cancellation policies).
I wonder if Andrew Daly realizes he is as funny as a dick rash.
Release: Jan 09 – Review: 16 Jul 11
The Road To Nowhere leads straight through Suburbia.
Is REVOLUTIONARY ROAD the first “1950’s revisionist” romantic movie?
Release: Jan 79 – Review: 4 Aug 07
… this 1978 performance in Long Beach California is arguably his first and best onscreen barnstorming.
Release: Jun 13 – Review: 3 Jun 13
Bigger, Blacker, Badder and Drunker.
Was Richard Pryor the first Black Comedian? Yes, there was Cosby before him, but Bill Cosby – even though technically a black man – was a white comedian.
Release: Dec 15 – Review: 10 Jan 16
Ridiculous is as Ridiculous does…
… a poignant tale of familial love juxtaposed over a comedic road tale where nothing is funny.
Release: Sep 08 – Review: 4 Feb 09
Dream Cast, Nightmare Script.
Every time they make their famous facial expressions, it just seems like they’re doing Robert De Niro and Al Pacino impersonations.
Release: Apr 11 – Review: 8 Sep 13
Rio de Generic.
… uninvolving tale of a rare blue macaw and his intended mate on the run from poachers…
Release: Apr 14 – Review: 2 May 16
Flocking dork and deceitful bitch road trip.
RIO 2 is not off to a good start. And it only gets more polly-want-a-cracker…
RIS – RUT
Release: Aug 11 – Review: 10 Feb 14
A planet where apes evolved from James Franco?
… a sober and epic thriller on how the Apes came to wear such stylish pantsuits.
Release: Sep 94 – Review: 26 Jul 08
Up The Creek…
… for direction, it was adequate, for plot, it was necessary, for hotness, Meryl shouting orders at the men and getting all wet – was priceless.
Release: Apr 10 – Review: 2 May 10
Cry me a river…
… a two-part television movie “based on the Riverworld novels,” resembling Farmer’s story in the sense that a dog turd resembles a sausage.
Release: Nov 09 – Review: 19 Dec 10
A Tale of No Cities.
In a post-holocaust world, a father and son fend for survival, staying on the move for food, shelter, and the endless quest for a MAD MAX Trilogy Boxed Set.
Release: May 10 – Review: 2 Apr 11
This ain’t Errol Flynn, this ain’t Adam Ant, and it’s certainly not Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the glen… This ain’t your daddy’s ROBIN HOOD…
Release: Feb 14 – Review: 5 Sep 15
Being more Man than Machine? There’s an app for that…
… a cyborg fights for control of his free will over the corporation that controls his unthinking, emotionless mind. Uh, so it’s about ALL cops then?
Release: Jun12 – Review: 25 Sep 14
Crock of Ages.
My flesh was crawling so vividly during every minute of the mindless, sanitized, second-rate karaoke movie…
Release: Oct 08 – Review: 12 Feb 09
High Voltage Rock n Roll.
… another intricately thug-woven Guy Ritchie story…
Release: Sep 01 – Review: 22 May 06
Soon enough, it devolves to Bowie’s livid shout of outrage: ”This ain’t rock and roll, this is – genocide!”
Release: Aug 08 – Review: 17 Mar 09
… at least as enjoyable as watching Poison have arguments onstage…
Release: Dec 76 – Review: 11 Jan 17
The Underdog that became a Stallion.
… mistaken as a film about a great winner, when it is instead a film about a great TRYER.
Release: Jun 79 – Review: 12 Jan 17
The Stallion that became a Pussy.
ROCKY II is like a chick wondering what to wear.
Release: May 82 – Review: 13 Jan 17
The Pussy that became a Gangbanger.
I pity the fool that takes ROCKY III seriously.
Release: Nov 85 – Review: 14 Jan 17
The Gangbanger that became a Patriot.
ROCKY IV is a montage of montages. And some boxing.
Release: Nov 90 – Review: 18 Jan 17
The Patriot that became a Senior Citizen.
ROCKY V is the ALIEN 3 of Rocky Movies. Back to basics.
Release: Dec 06 – Review: 29 Dec 06
Rocky LX: Grandpa’s Revenge.
Something old (Stallone), something new (this film), something borrowed (the script from ROCKY), something blue (Talia Shire…
Release: Dec 56 – Review: 26 Sep 14
Godzilla With Wings.
… a Japanese monster movie made while GODZILLA wasn’t looking.
Release: Dec 16 – Review: 6 Feb 17
Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing.
… a stand-alone adventure that yet insinuates itself into canon, answering questions that we never thought to ask.
Release: Nov 08 – Review: 30 Aug 10
Old rockstars never die – they just become movie references.
It’s mildly funny and mostly vacuous, the most fun coming from all the KISS references.
Release: Nov 96 – Review: 13 Jun 06
More Comedie Than Tragedie.
… retold with creative conceptualizing and high-voltage visuals by Australian thunderboy, director Baz Luhrmann, as an urban gang battle with a decidedly MTV-ian thrust.
Release: Jun 03 – Review: 16 Dec 17
It is not a good film! It is naaht!
A scheming whore and a bad actor circle the drain in THE ROOM.
Release: Nov 14 – Review: 8 Sep 15
And I Ran, Iran so far a-way. And Iran, I could-n’t get a-way…
Boy, Iran sure can learn a thing or two about torture from America!
Release: Mar 15 – Review: 13 Apr 16
When street cred meets father figure.
… the gritty twat-eating hardass badboy movie Liam Neeson makes when he’s not making other gritty twat-eating hardass badboy movies.
Release: Mar 08 – Review: 11 Feb 09
Once Pegg and Dylan Moran find their comedy stride, so to speak, there are no stops for any pisses by the roadside…
Release: Mar 78 – Review: 1 Mar 15
The Ballad of Eric and Innes.
… follows the fictional eponymous band from their humble beginnings in Rutland to world domination, due in large part to their trousers.
Release: Nov 04 – Review: 2 Mar 15
I’m looking through you, You’re not the same.
A fun retelling/revisiting the legend of The Rutles and their trousers.