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BABEL
 
Release:
Oct 06 - Review: 18 May 07
Babel-icious.
Four stories intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes
and chicks without panties.
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THE BACKWOODS
 
Release: Feb 07 - Review: 1 May 09
Even in Spain, there's a Deep South.
Shades of STRAW DOGS and dabbles in DELIVERANCE, THE BACKWOODS is an exploration of deep south justice - in Spain.
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BAD SANTA
 
Release: Nov 03 - Review: 6 Mar 09
I Didn't Shit Right For a Week.
So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent. So funny.
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BAD TEACHER
Release: Jun 11 - Review: 12 Dec 11
BAD TEACHER not good.
It's commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and "ugly," but BAD TEACHER doesn't do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly.
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BALLS OF FURY
Release: Aug 07 - Review: 11 Sep 08
Kung Fu Ping Pong Panda.
Walking that fine comedy line just above Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell, BALLS OF FURY is so wilfully asinine it succeeds...
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BANGKOK DANGEROUS
Release: Nov 99 - Review: 18 Feb 10
I was a Teenage Hitman.
...his only education was the snarling underbelly of Thailand: brutal mobs, dirty dance clubs, seedy streets, bashings, blood and bullets. And he is deaf and mute. And you thought YOUR teen years were screwed up.
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BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008
Release: Sep 08 - Review: 14 Feb 10
Bangkok Mildly Threatening.
...not as compelling due to Cage's powerful hitman not having as much of a crutch to overcome as 1999's deaf teenager, but otherwise it is a well-constructed piece of second hand trashiness.
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BARB
WIRE
Release: May 96 - Review: 21 Apr 06
Livin'
Large on Marketable Melons.
If
you've seen CASABLANCA, you don't want to watch this movie. It will bring
the pain - knowing that resting on that classic movie's shoulders, are this movie's
breasts.
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BATMAN
Release: Jun 89 - Review: 12 May 07
Part Noir, Part
Comicbook, All Knight.
...Michael Keaton squeezed
his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to
become the Sean Connery of Batmen.
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BATMAN FOREVER
 
Release: Jun 95 - Review: 25 Mar 10
From Dark Knight to Boogie Knight.
In this third installment of the Modern Batman Legacy, BATMAN FOREVER, Val Kilmer is the fruit bat whom we cannot be sure is hero - or victim (of Schumacher).
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BATMAN
AND ROBIN
Release: Jun 1997 - Review: 10 Sep 05
The Battiest of them all.
And in camping it up, Schumacher
seemed oblivious on where to draw the line: primary colors shriek in anguish and
gobos coruscate like an LSD afternoon delight...
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BATMAN
BEGINS
Release: Jun 05 - Review: 2 Aug 05
Dark Knight Reconstructionist
Theory.
...if there was
one modern legend that needed fixin', it was the laughable vamp and clamorous
camp of Gotham's fruity caped crusader, the Bat Man. As Michael Caine might opine,
"About bloody time!"
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BATTLE LOS ANGELES
Release:
Mar 11 - Review: 17 Aug 11
Who knew battle could be so boring?
Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE.
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BE KIND REWIND
Release: Feb 08 - Review: 27 Aug 08
Be Kind - Put this movie out of its misery.
...and then that fake smile kinda freezes on your face after the first few false no-jokes.
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THE
BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS
Release: 1953 - Review: 28 Jul 05
There Were Giants
In Those Days - and Harryhausen was the largest.
...a
level of pseudo-realism attained that magnificently satisfied those Pre-CGI audiences
and allows even a post-EPISODE-III audience to appreciate at least the towering
aspirations...
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THE BEAVER
Release: May 11 - Review: 10 Sep 11
Puppetheart.
...can't tell whether THE BEAVER is a tragicomedy or a psychodramedy... it's cute, it's furry, it's got a big mouth and it's slightly insane - but enough about Mel Gibson.
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BEDTIME STORIES
Release: Dec 08 - Review: 26 Jun 09
Wish it into the Cornfield.
Idiotic and contradictory messages fly at us like fart jokes in a movie bankrupt of ideas, which BEDTIME STORIES is. Without the fart jokes.
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BEERFEST
Release: Aug 06 - Review: 25 Mar 09
Roaring, Rogering, Gorging and Puking... sign me up.
...a
drunken, disorderly, swelling knob of a film, as quirkingly funny as it is quakingly stupid, chock full of pissing, puking, belching, swilling, swearing, skulling, vomiting and giant jugs. Of beer.
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BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD
Release: Sep 07 - Review: 27 Jan 09
Doing the business on the family business.
Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD succeeds on its tortured performances...
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THE BEGUILED
Release: May 71 - Review: 28 Aug 11
...like a woman scorned. And another... and another... and another.
Clint Eastwood fights for his life behind enemy lines! Yes, he's trapped in a school full of women!
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BEING
JOHN MALKOVICH
Release: Sep 99 - Review: 17 Jun 06
The Importance
Of Being Malkovich.
For originality alone,
it deserves the highest accolades. Like its eponymous subject matter, it is inexplicable
and indefinable.
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BEOWULF
Release: Nov 07 - Review: 6 Jan 08
So Close... Yet So Beowulf.
... to tackle another incarnation one needs to bring something pretty extraordinary to the table. And Robert Zemeckis’s BEOWULF is definitely extraordinary – in one sense. And definitely mediocre in all others…
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THE
BIG CHILL
Release: Sep 1983 - Review: 6 Nov 05
Nostalgia
Comes Cold-Calling.
A chick-flick clothed in
tracksuit pants, lord help us all if we didn't relate to these 1980-something
characters, with their yuppie elitism and consumerist élan...
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BIG
DADDY
Release:
Jun 99 - Review: 5 Aug 06
Daddy Stupidest.
At its worst, it stoops to asinine scripting and punchlining gays
- and there's that Rob Schneider thing.
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BIG FAN
Release: Jan 09 - Review: 7 Aug 10
Drama is Easy, Comedy is Hard.
I'm no fan of Patton Oswalt as a comedian. But what a remarkable dramatic actor!
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THE BIG LEBOWSKI
Release: Mar 98 - Review: 12 Jun 11
The Book of Duderonemy.
Jeff Bridges brings a breezy effortlessness to The Dude that is the heart, soul and hash pipe of this culture-gasm called THE BIG LEBOWSKI.
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BILLY MADISON
Release: Feb 95 - Review: 21 Jul 07
For Moron Eyes Only.
...Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to give him. A fine businessman he is; a writer and comedian he's not.
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THE BIRTH OF A NATION
Release: Mar 1915 - Review: 16 Feb 10
The Bitch Of A Nation.
Nearly a century after its release (1915) it stands today on the horns of a grand dichotomy: that of being a pioneering film - and a racist piece of shit.
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BLACK
SNAKE MOAN
Release: Mar 07 - Review: 31 Mar 07
Soft-Porn Groan.
If you really want a porno, watch a porno. Yet pornography (albeit
heavily diluted) is this film's only selling point, for when Ricci is offscreen,
not showing off her rounded ta-tas and tight-pantied pubis, we're not really interested
in much else.
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BLADES OF GLORY
Release: Mar 07 - Review: 15 Jul 10
On thin ice.
How much gayer can BLADES OF GLORY possibly be? Answer: None more gay.
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THE BLOB
Release: Sep 58 - Review: 18 Sep 11
The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich.
When I saw THE BLOB as a young kid, it was terrifying. I didn't care about the tepid acting, the simple, linear storyline, and especially didn't notice any subtext of Not All American Teen Hooligans Are Bad. And who the hell was Steve McQueen?
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BLINDNESS
Release: Oct 08 - Review: 15 Mar 11
Looking Good.
...unflinchingly explores the ramifications of how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight - like a pack of animals. Any surprise?
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BLOOD
DIAMOND
Release: Dec 06 - Review: 24 Jan 07
A Rough in the
Diamond.
Though it is against the horrors perpetrated
by the rebels and their leveraging of "blood diamonds," the movie recreates
their atrocities so well that it will rake in millions on the depiction of those
atrocities.
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BLOOD WORK
Release: Aug 02 - Review: 11 Mar 10
Anemic Harry.
If Dirty Harry was a heart transplant patient.
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THE BLUE LAGOON 1980
Release: Jul 80 - Review: 6 Sep 10
Tarzan II: Electric Boogaloo.
...cannot possibly deliver on any level that would satisfy (oh, don't say 'satisfy'!) its target audience of 15-year-old boys with unbidden rock hard... imaginations.
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BODY OF LIES
Release: Oct 08 - Review: 12 Sep 09
Pants on Fire!
Both Leo's ruthless inside man and Crowe's stolid bureaucrat would not be sellable had not the Ku Bush Klan already "sold" the necessity of their fake war. And in the acceptance of the war, the acceptance of the despicable things these characters do...
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BOEING BOEING
Release: Dec 65 - Review: 13 Sep 08
Laughing all the way to the skank.
A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy.
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BOLT
Release: Nov 08 - Review: 27 Jun 09
O.D. on QT.
If cuteness ever becomes a sin, this movie is going straight to hell.
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THE BOOK OF ELI
Release: Jan 10 - Review: 9 Feb 10
When Gunslingers Get Religion.
In a surprising display of controlled storytelling by Gary Whitta, THE BOOK OF ELI is about religion - but it ain't religious.
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THE BOONDOCK SAINTS
Release: Jan 00 - Review: 8 May 11
In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino.
...two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey justice and hero angles.
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BORAT:
CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
Release: Nov 06 - Review: 11 Dec 06
For Make Laugh
on Jew and Retard.
Never has been a movie exposing
more people so red of neck or so mong of loid.
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THE BOUNTY HUNTER
Release: Mar 10 - Review: 5 Jan 11
Apathy on the Bounty.
She hates him. He hates her. They drive each other crazy... Of COURSE they get back together; it's a White American Romantic Comedy.
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THE BOURNE IDENTITY
Release: Jun 02 - Review: 23 Feb 09
Bourne To Do It.
Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that's his name.
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THE BOURNE SUPREMACY
Release: Jul 04 - Review: 16 Mar 09
Bourne Again.
...like tripping down a flight of stairs, getting up and tripping again.
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THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM
Release: Aug 07 - Review: 16 Mar 09
Badass Bourne becomes Mild Matty.
Another karate chop to the Spock Nerve, another car chase through crowded streets with no liability insurance, another amoral superspy whining over his lost humanity...
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THE BOX
Release: Nov 09 - Review: 15 Mar 10
Filmmaking Outside The Box.
DONNIE DARKO meets INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS.
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BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA
Release: Nov 92 - Review: 8 Jan 11
Delicious - with a hint of sour Keanu.
...Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN'T.
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THE BRAVE ONE
Release: Sep 07 - Review: 13 Sep 08
Sexy Bronson.
THE BRAVE ONE is made well, though not compelling enough to stand as tall as DEATH WISH.
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BRAVEHEART
Release: May 95 - Review: 17 Mar 11
Mel gets medieval on our asses....
BRAVEHEART takes us to 1300's Scotland, as Wallace, with his mullet on stun, leads Scots and Irish forces to free Scotland from the stranglehold of English King Edward Longshanks.
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BREACH
Release: Feb 07 - Review: 29 Apr 08
Scapegoat for a far more evil government.
George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s Amerika offers absolutely zero moral high ground to crow about OTHER people selling secrets to enemies.
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB
Release: Feb 85 - Review: 4 Jan 09
The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweeby of Teen Angst.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB is rare in the pantheon of "teen comedies" because it is dialog driven. It's TWELVE ANGRY MEN in detention with hormones.
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BRIDESMAIDS
Release:
May 11 - Review: 21 Jan 11
Marriage of heaven and hell.
BRIDESMAIDS was advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It's just super bad.
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BROKEBACK
MOUNTAIN
Release: Dec 05 - Review: 19 Jan 2006
Brokeback Mountin'.
THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES meets The Gays of Our Lives, director Ang Lee's BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is an
ambitious yet maudlin, slightly above-average American love story. Slightly.
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BROTHERS
Release: Dec 09 - Review: 6 Dec 10
Broham Interruptus.
Don't you just hate it when your brother goes off to war and he supposedly gets killed, and you start putting the moves on his wife, and then he comes back? Don't you just hate that?!
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BRÜNO [BRUNO]
Release: Jul 09 - Review: 15 Aug 09
Social Commentary with a Depilated Sphincter.
Exactly like BORAT, only gayer.
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BUCKET LIST
Release: Jan 08 - Review: 19 Sep 08
Kicking it Old School.
Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson go on a green screen tour of the world.
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BURIED
Release: Sep 10 - Review: 31 Jan 12
Grave Trouble.
One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here!
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BURN AFTER READING
Release: Sep 08 - Review: 24 Feb 09
Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels.
At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast.
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BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE
Release: May 07 - Review: 23 May 08
Bury the Truth at Wounded Knee.
Though it is supposedly a tribute to the indomitable spirit of the Native Americans, it is yet another White-Perspective slur-fest that dishonors that wild race with every bigoted frame.
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THE
BUTTERFLY EFFECT
Release: Jan 04 - Review: 13 Apr 06
The Teen Model
Effect.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT movie is
based on chaos theory in the same way that Achy Breaky Heart is based on Bohemian Rhapsody.
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