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THE
CABLE GUY
 
Release: Jun 96 - Review: 10 Apr 04
Cable for Nothin'
and your Guilt for Free.
...misunderstood by
critics and panned by mongoloid fans who only wanted more Ace to sit on their
face...
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CADDYSHACK
 
Release: Jul 80 - Review: 13 Nov 10
No follow through.
Yes, I know CADDYSHACK has entered the vernacular as a comedy classic, but it's about as boring as watching golf.
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CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY
 
Release: Oct 09 - Review: 11 Sep 10
Too Big to Nail.
A step towards putting these crooks away would be for laypeople to stop using the term "white collar crime" as if it means Shit-Don't-Stink.
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CAPOTE
Release: Sep 05 - Review: 2 Apr 07
The movie about the book about the murders.
... In Cold Blood, the first "non-fiction novel" of its kind. Published in 1965, this revolutionary book would make Capote the most famous writer in America. And it would suck his soul bone dry.
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CAPRICORN
ONE
Release: 1978 - Review: 4 Oct 05
Idiotic fodder for Moon Landing conspiracy theorist idiots.
Conspiracy Theorists must have thrown a week-long booze-up when
this movie hit cinemas, cries of "We told you so!" reverberating off
their Lonely-Guy hobbit-hole walls...
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
Release: Jul 11 - Review: 18 Nov 11
Red, White and Boob.
The red, white and blue avenger, in the best comicbook movie of the decade - and by that I mean, it's lightweight and predictable and aimed at twelve-year-olds.
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CASABLANCA
Release: Nov 42 - Review: 17 Apr 10
We'll Always Have Overacting.
... a talky cardboard romance thriller, with overacting threatening to send us into a melodramatic swoon and enough soft-focus on Ingrid Bergman to make us cross-eyed.
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CASINO
ROYALE
Release: Nov 06 - Review: 8 May 07
Old Spy, New World,
Tight Arse.
International
espionage will never be the same. It is now certifiably MAN-HOT.
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CAST
AWAY
Release: Dec 00 - Review: 20 Oct 05
A Breath Of Fresh
Island Air.
Chuck discover the basics of survival with a learning curve so slow we would not be criticized in questioning his mental aptitude. But he's not retarded, he's just modern.
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CATWOMAN
Release: Jul 04 - Review:
22 Nov 0
Pussy Galore.
Sensually clobbering bad guys and good guys alike, in her quest
to beat out Debbie Diamond as the World's Biggest Whore...
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CHANGE-UP
Release: Aug 11 - Review: 10 Dec 11
Another change-up, another plage-up.
...the latest mystical body-switching movie from the venal plagiarists in the Hollywood Cookie Cutter Industrial Complex who have the audacity to call themselves writers.
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CHANGELING
Release: Oct 08 - Review: 6 May 09
A Mother's Son, Undone.
CHANGELING is based on a true story, but I think it's fiction. I mean, come on - Angelina Jolie with only ONE child?
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THE CHANGELING
Release: Mar 80 - Review: 11 Oct 10
Haunting in Every Way.
Here you will find all the classic ingredients that went into the best horror stories that ever made you brown your pants as a kid.
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CHAPLIN
Release: Dec 92 - Review: 12 Apr 11
The Man, The Myth, The Trousers.
Robert Downey Jr. runs around like a madman, knocks things over and falls down a lot. (Cocaine's a helluva drug.) And in CHAPLIN, he gets to do all that without being arrested...
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CHARIOTS OF FIRE
Release: Oct 81 - Review: 7 Nov 09
When the British were Kings.
... based loosely on two real life British runners in the 1924 Paris Olympics, who run for very different reasons - one against the reality of racism, one for the non-reality of religionism.
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CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR
Release: Dec 07 - Review: 22 Nov 08
Owned By His Own War.
Before George H.W. Bush sold weapons to Saddam, before Ronald Reagan sold weapons to Iran, before George W. Bush lost 190,000 guns in Iraq - there was Tom Hanks, selling weapons to the Mujahideen.
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CHARLIE'S
ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
Release:
Jun 03 - Review: Dec 04
Too
much style IS a bad thing.
Why are these puerile,
cardboard doxies regarded as screen goddesses?; heroines for an arse-tattooed
generation of over-fed, class-less, prepubescent, poorly-educated future streetwalkers?
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CHEAPER
BY THE DOZEN
Release: Dec 03 - Review: 7 Nov 05
Children Of The
Damned.
When Ashton Kutcher is the funniest
thing in your movie, it's time to re-assess everything you hold dear.
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CHICKEN RUN
Release: Jun 00 - Review: 28 Nov 10
Eggs over easy.
THE GREAT ESCAPE meets KFC.
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CHILDREN
OF MEN
Release: Dec 06 - Review: 16 Feb 07
Brave New Future
Shocker.
There is something in CHILDREN OF MEN to offend almost everyone - which is why it is so powerful. It fears
no one.
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CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS
Release:
Nov 04 -25 Dec 09
Dreaming of a Fight Christmas.
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity - you know, the true spirit of Christmas.
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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
Release: Dec 05 - Review: 15 Aug 09
The Lyin,' The Snitch and the Whored Road.
Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe.
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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
Release: May 08 - Review: 8 Feb 10
The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen.
...movie is nothing more than battle after battle, broken up by boring slow passages where people whine about Aslan the Lion (Liam Neeson) not being around.
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CITY LIGHTS
Release: Mar 31 - Review: 17 Oct 11
To be a Saint in the City.
...liberally sprinkling the piece with Chaplin's now-customary clockwork staging of inventive sight gags played with the energy of machete-ing through a jungle.
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A CIVIL ACTION
Release: Jan 99 - Review: 26 Dec 10
Justice IS blind - so can't see Truth.
... in reality, good or bad has nothing to do with the outcome of court cases. It's how you play the game. If you can afford to be in the game in the first place.
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CLASH OF THE TITANS 2010
Release: Apr 10 - Review: 21 Nov 10
Hash of the Titans.
Liam Neeson and Sam Worthington try to out-act special effects. Fail. 16-year-old boys rejoice.
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CLASS ACTION
Release: Mar 91 - Review: 1 Feb 11
Class with a capital L.
...an interesting twist on courtroom drama. It contains all the unrealistic courtroom shouting and eleventh-hour reveals, but our attention is more focused on the drama between the father and daughter attorneys on opposing sides of the case.
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THE CLIMATE PROJECT
Release: Sep 11 - Review: 16 Sep 11
The Krypton Syndrome.
...Al Gore talks up a storm. About storms. And droughts. And melting ice caps, and raging fires; the global climate shift exacerbated by what 1960's science fiction films might have called "Mankind tampering in God's domain."
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CLOVERFIELD
Release: Jan 08 - Review: 16 Sep 08
BLAIR WITCH meets GODZILLA meets YouTube.
After all the mundanity of a monster knocking over buildings, they dial it down to the level of boring chick-rescue movie.
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COLD SOULS
Release: Nov 09 - Review: 26 Mar 10
Hauntingly hilarious.
A darker journey than ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND and a blacker comedy than BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, COLD SOULS is a disturbing, unique gem of a movie.
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COME ON GET HAPPY: THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY STORY
Release: Nov 99 - Review: 7 Feb 09
The Trials of Talent, The Farce of Fame (oh, spare me!).
A travesty at best; at worst, some form of mild brain damage. If it is at all possible, acting is even worse than the actual Partridge Family.
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CON AIR
Release: Jun 97 - Review: 26 Apr 08
Just Another Con.
...lots and lots and lots and lots of pretty orange explosions and guys diving in slow motion while shooting big guns...
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CONAN THE BARBARIAN
Release: May 82 - Review: 3 Jul 11
Save a Barbaric Yawp for me.
...padded to the trapezius with trekking across deserts, religious cult rites, faux-philosophy around campfires and Arnold posing.
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CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011
Release: Aug 11 - Review: 19 Dec 11
Muscles, magic, tits and blood.
Like Arnold before him, Momoa perfectly embodies Robert E. Howard's fictional medieval warrior, muscles thrumming, brain on standby, dick locked in the upright position.
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CONSTANTINE
Release: Feb 05 - Review: 21 Apr 06
Inconstantine.
Directed
by Music Video Director to the Sluts, Francis Lawrence (Britney, Janet, J-Lo),
the roaring beauty of this movie is tempered by its dangerous stupidities.
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CONTACT
Release: Jul 97 - Review: 31 Oct 05
Buried within The
Message from Vega - The Message from Sagan.
Though
it may never attain the lofty heights of commercialism that CLOSE ENCOUNTERS enjoyed, CONTACT is, in fact, a more intelligent vision of extra-terrestrial
communication with our outer-spiral-arm planet.
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CORALINE
Release: Feb 09 - Review: 14 Feb 09
Alice in Wonderland meets Alice Cooper.
This movie scared the pants off me. Which in turn, scared young children and women with small hips, as I walked out of the theater, pantless.
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THE
CORE
Release: Mar 03 - Review: 14 Aug 05
Anthropocentric
Spin.
Was the "science consultant"
on this movie a G.E.D.? - and, more importantly, may I book some time to slap
him?
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COSMOS
Release: Sep 80 - Review: 20 Jul 11
The real Encyclopaedia Galactica.
...Sagan bringing together strands of philosophy, sociology and science into a fascinating wrecking ball of entertaining intellectualism.
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COUPLES RETREAT
Release: Oct 09 - Review: 20 Mar 10
Club Med(iocre).
... dull excursion into the high maintenance of couplehood.
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COURAGE UNDER FIRE
Release: Jul 96 - Review: 21 Apr 11
Gutless Under Cliché.
...in which universe will America ever make a movie where a Medal of Honor is investigated and NOT awarded?
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COWBOYS AND ALIENS
Release: Jul 11 - Review: 17 Dec 11
A shallow ripple in the Force.
Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie?
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CRANK
Release: Sep 06 - Review: 13 Sep 06
Crank-y.
Super stylish. Super amped. Super shallow.
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THE CRAZIES 2010
Release: Feb 10 - Review: 10 Jul 11
Crazy like a pox.
...the usual romp of jump-scares and gross-out killings and people with makeup that looks like a KFC factory exploded on their faces senselessly trying to kill other people.
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CRAZY HEART
Release: Feb 10 - Review: 28 Nov 10
The Dude Abides.
The star of THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998) brings his Dudeness to CRAZY HEART, the tale of a country music singer-songwriter. Unlike Jeff Lebowski, Bad Blake is slightly older, slightly more talented, and slightly more confused.
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CREATION
Release: Sep 09 - Review: 16 Jan 11
And Darwin said, "Let there be light!" And there was light!
The battle between Good (intelligence) and Evil (the church) is ramped up when Charles Darwin arrives at the epiphany that evolution is driven by natural selection...
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THE
CREEPING TERROR
Release: 1964 - Review: 18 Nov 05
Don't Fear
The Creeper.
...would have remained in its Z-Movie
graveyard were it not for the notoriety it achieved via its skewering on MST 3K.
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CRIMINAL
Release: Oct 04 - Review: 21 Jul 08
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Pleasure.
Twists in con movies tend to come at you with a groan, whereas the twisty storyline in CRIMINAL comes at you via a night-stick to the back of the knees.
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CROCODILE
DUNDEE
Release: Sep 86 - Review: 20 May 06
From Barbecued
Shrimps to New York Pimps and Boyfriend Wimps.
Though merely a modern, laconic retelling of the noble savage tale, the movie
is refreshing enough in its simplicity and sincerity to garner itself a little
shelf life in the Tarzan pantheon.
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CROCODILE
DUNDEE II
Release: May 88 - Review: 13 Aug 06
A Crock of Croc.
CROCODILE DUNDEE II takes all that was good about the original
and, like most sequels, ignores it.
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CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES
Release: Apr 01 - Review: 25 Jun 10
Jumping the croc.
After Steve Irwin redefined the term Crocodile Hunter to mean conservationist and all-round noyce goy, Paul Hogan's seedy crocodile poacher character became irrelevant.
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CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISION COURSE
Release: Jul 02 - Review: 12 Aug 07
Madman Across the Water.
The plot is quite irrelevant, as it is Steve’s animal magnetism that propels the film.
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THE CROSSING GUARD
Release: Nov 95 - Review: 6 Dec 09
Redemption: always in the last place you look.
What a brilliant little gem of a movie! An emotional wallop to the weeping nerve.
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CRY FREEDOM
Release: Nov 87 - Review: 9 May 11
Slaving for Freedom.
Another man of peace killed by men of ignorance.
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THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Release: Dec 08 - Review: 17 Aug 09
Youth is wasted on the Pitt.
... like FORREST GUMP for opposite-aging freaks.
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CYRUS
Release: Jun 10 - Review: 19 Dec 10
Hell hath no fury like an Oedipal Complex scorned.
Jonah Hill hasn't been taking his Oedipal Complex pills!
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