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HALLOWEEN
 
Release: Oct 78 - Review: 6 Nov 09
Carving Teen on Halloween.
Arguably the first Senseless Knife-Kill flick; arguably the first "serial murder" movie mislabeled as "horror"; arguably the only movie to ever use a Captain Kirk mask to scare people. Intentionally rather than accidentally.
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HAMLET 2
Release: Aug 08 - Review: 21 Apr 09
Charming Blasphemy, Thy Name is Sexy Jesus.
HAMLET 2 is GREASE slipping on the banana peel of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR; a ripping satire on "inspirational teacher" films of all stripes...
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HANCOCK
 
Release: Jul 08 - Review: 12 Jul 08
Upping the Ante on Anti-Heroes.
...a “superhero movie” only on its surface. Deeper, where emotions are torn from desires and sorrow abides like ravenous bile, HANCOCK is a misunderstood gem.
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THE HANGOVER
Release: Jun 09 - Review: 14 Feb 10
Vegas Knights (without amor).
...with its spanky dialog and breezy, insouciant verve THE HANGOVER exudes a heady excitement and an overall feeling of blissful meaningless fun...
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HANNIBAL
 
Release: Feb 01 - Review: Jul 02
The Violence
Of The Hams.
Ridley Scott, the brilliant director
who helmed ALIEN, BLADE RUNNER and GLADIATOR, fell asleep during
production and let a monkey take over.
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THE HAPPENING
Release: Jun 08 - Review: 25 Jun 08
Nothing Happening.
Grandiose concept + morbidly inept cast = mediocre movie.
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HARD BOILED
Release: Apr 92 - Review: 10 Mar 10
Dirty Hari.
...an homage to samurai, cops, westerns, and Pretty Orange Explosions; the last of his Chinese gangster flicks and the pinnacle of what made John Woo John Woo.
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HARD CANDY
Release: May 06 - Review: 23 Jun 11
For Unlawful Carnal Carnage.
A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right - but not in the way he planned...
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A HARD DAY'S NIGHT
Release: Aug 64 - Review: 5 Aug 10
Mop toppery mockery.
A legendary band, The Beatles, in a crap film, A HARD DAY'S NIGHT, that resonates as legendary because The Beatles are in it.
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THE HARD WORD
Release: Jun 03 - Review: 28 Dec 10
Brother Hood.
At long last, an Australian crime actioner with all the guts and grit of any British or American film of this genre.
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HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY
Release: Aug 08 - Review: 23 Apr 09
Laffing it up lamely, while the world bleeds shamely...
Stupid frat-boy farce. Whadaya want from the lame pretenders to the stoner throne after Cheech and Chong?
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THE HAUNTING
Release: Sep 63 - Review: 25 Nov 09
Once Upon a Scary Spinster...
If you can get past the theatrical acting and the melodrama and the distracting voiceover, THE HAUNTING is a reasonably good horror movie. Scary? In places. Silly? In more places.
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THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT
Release: Mar 09 - Review: 20 Sep 09
So silly it's scary.
THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT is advertised as "the most terrifying movie ever made." It is. If you're five.
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HELLBOY
Release:
Mar 04 - Review: 8 Aug 05
Hell-Freed,
but Earth-Bound.
I am as big a fan of comics/graphic
novels as the next geek-cheese, but I am a bigger fan of well-made movies, and
HELLBOY, for all its glitz and glam-blammo, is not a well-made movie.
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HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY
Release: Jul 08 - Review: 3 Aug 08
Hell-Tilt With The Wheels Comin' Off.
PAN’S LABYRINTH smashed up against the Cantina Sequence from STAR WARS and Guillermo del Toro rode that bad boy all the way to a town called HELLBOY.
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HEREAFTER
Release: Oct 10 - Review: 18 Nov 10
Ghost stories for the sensible.
At its heart, HEREAFTER is about searching for answers. Ironically, it's about lost souls. There's even a little romance thrown in for girlies who wandered in by accident to see The Sexiest Man Alive mumble introspectively.
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HIGH NOON
Release: Jul 52 - Review: 9 Oct 11
Man-Tales of the Old West.
...one of those "westerns" that transcends being a Western and is more a study in humanity's base self-preservation instincts and herd mentality.
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HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER
Release: Apr 73 - Review: 21 Apr 08
High Pains Grifter.
The Stranger from Leone’s spaghettis – reincarnated to rewrite the American West.
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HIGHLANDER
Release: 1986 - Review: 24 Aug 05
It's A Kind Of
Tragic.
...this tale is so original and well-executed,
it is hard to imagine it was not culled from Scottish folk legend.
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HIGHLANDER
III: THE SORCERER
Release: Jan 1995 - Review: 19 Aug 05
There Can Be Only
One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?...
Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin
that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise.
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A
HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Release: Oct 05 - Review: Nov 05
When the Evil Twin
Piques.
Wearing
his Darwinism on his sleeve, director David Cronenberg assails his audience with
a movie which is surface "pulp thriller," played hard against a psychological
cyclorama...
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HITCH
Release: Feb 05 - Review: 4 Feb 07
Hitch Cock.
This film needs a brain-frying dose of Tom Leykis.
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THE
HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
Release: Apr 05 - Review: 15 Jan 07
Mining the Diary,
Missing the Madman.
...somehow, the end result
of all these superior elements comes out as flollopy as a mattress from the swamps
of Squornshellous Zeta.
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THE
HOAX
Release: Apr 07 - Review: 24 May 07
The Barbaric Yawp
of the Lunatic Fringe.
...author Clifford
Irving fooled all of the people some of the time when he produced the autobiography
of one of the world's most intriguing recluses, Howard Hughes.
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HOLLYWOODLAND
Release: Sep 06 - Review: 25 Oct 06
As Powerful as
a Locomotive.
And Ben Affleck is George Reeves.
As they say in Joisey: "Who woulda thought?!" - Matt Damon's wife as
The Man of Steel!
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HORTON HEARS A WHO!
 
Release: Mar 08 - Review: 26 Aug 09
For Whom the Who Tolls.
An animated feature that kids will enjoy and adults will find tiresome.
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HOSTAGE
Release: Mar 05 - Review: 2 Jul 10
Like a hostage, we are captive.
Bruce Willis does some of the best acting of his career here, as a damaged cop whose failure can be read in his sad eyes. Part John McClane, part Sean Penn, part Harrison Ford, all thespian.
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HOT
FUZZ
Release: Apr 07 - Review: 10 May 07
Buzz Fuzz.
...does for law enforcement what SHAUN did for the dead
- bring it to life just to beat the living cliché out of it.
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HOT ROD
 
Release:
Aug 07 - Review: 28 Sep 08
Snot Rod.
Besides these two high points in the film - both subsequently ruined anyway with the slipshod writing - the rest of the film is like choking on someone else's vomit.
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HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
Release: Mar 10 - Review: 27 Nov 10
Dive in, the water's awesome.
Not so much H.G. Wells as Marty McFly.
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HOUSE
OF THE DEAD
Release: Feb 03 - Review: 23 Aug 05
GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
meets Romero's Non-Actors.
...a
slasher film for the mindless and mindless at heart.
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HULK
Release: Jun 03 - Review: 6 Oct 05
Shrek On Steroids.
Well, we all know what happens when Bruce Banner gets enraged:
his body turns green and his pants turn purple and very, VERY elastic.
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THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE
Release: Apr 10 - Review: 3 Mar 11
Pinch this one off.
Europe squeezes out a perversity that, no matter what you say about it, is pretty compelling shit! And I do mean shit.
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THE HURT LOCKER
Release: Jun 09 - Review: 10 Aug 09
Heroic Movie about a Non-Heroic War.
...pro-war film pretending to be anti-war. THE HURT LOCKER would like to believe it shows us the gritty realism of sudden death and wasted life. It does - all with hero angles.
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