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TAKEN
 
Release: Jan 09 - Review: 2 Jun 09
TAKEN for a thrill-ride.
Liam Neeson has always stood up for what's right (as Oskar Schindler, as Rob Roy, Michael Collins, hell, even as Qui-Gon Jinn) - but he's never been so BADASS about it.
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THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3
Release: Jun 09 - Review: 18 Nov 09
Rocking the remake rails.
...in all respects, the filmmakers have taken this PELHAM remake off the rails and done it justice.
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TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE
Release: Oct 04 - Review: 25 May 09
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of the heroes.
TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE: saving the world from terrorism... whether we like it or not. It's like THUNDERBIRDS for assholes.
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TENACIOUS
D: THE COMPLETE MASTERWORKS
 
Release:
Nov 03 - Review: 20 Aug 05
Once every hundred-thousand
years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow…
Tenacious D have become their own self-fulfilling prophecy: in
satirically proclaiming they would "change the face of rock" - they
have!
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TENACIOUS
D IN THE PICK OF DESTINY
Release: Nov 06 - Review: 2 May 07
Fueled by Rocket
Sauce… oh, and Satan.
Displace one 'fuck'
and there would be diminishment; displace one 'suck my cock' and the structure
would fall.
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THE
TERMINAL
Release: Jun 04 - Review: 11 Sep 05
In-Terminal-ble.
...one
has to beat oneself about the head to comprehend how the world's arguably greatest
director and the world's arguably greatest actor ever acceded to participating
in this mundane project.
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THE TERMINATOR
Release: Oct 84 - Review: 24 May 09
Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold).
Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone -- hang on, that could be any of his movies.
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TERMINATOR SALVATION
Release: May 09 - Review: 19 Jan 10
The Manchurian Candidator.
...continually yammering about "strong hearts" delineating humans from machines and "what it means to be human" and all manner of poignant story element so obviously cribbed from Screenwriting For Dummies - and lacks everything it yammers about.
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THANK
YOU FOR SMOKING
Release: Mar 06 - Review: 26 May 06
Black Lung Satire.
...illustrates that the obstacles to truth are sometimes the very
people exhorting you to seek it.
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THAT
THING YOU DO!
Release:
Oct 1996 - Review: 30 Sep 03
That Thing Done
Well is a Thing of Beauty Indeed.
...full credit
goes to Hanks for crafting a vehicle in which he stars, that he is not the star
of, focusing on the rise and fall of a rock group ensconced in British Invasion-era
America.
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THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Release: Jan 08 - Review: 10 Dec 08
Bloody Awesome.
Without Day-Lewis, writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson's tale of a ruthless oil baron would simply be a very good movie, rather than a steel-toed boot to the groin and a good cry on the shoulder of a wild west hooker.
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THEY DIED WITH THEIR BOOTS ON
Release: Jan 42 - Review: 4 Jan 09
Dying is Easy, History is Hard.
...a reimagining of Custer as noble hero, so Whitey white-white it turns albino even before we can start laughing at Errol Flynn's effeteness.
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THIRTEEN DAYS
Release: Jan 01 - Review: 9 Jun 10
Immovable Force meets Unstoppable Accent.
The people were real, the crisis was deadly, the decisions were world-shaking. And the accents were abominable.
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THIS IS IT
Release: Oct 09 - Review: 22 Nov 09
Blood on the Dance Floor.
Better than a concert, better than a front row ticket, better than a faux-leather red jacket with lots of zippers.
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THOR
Release: May 11 - Review: 26 Nov 11
Godliness is next to prettiness.
Director Kenneth Branagh brings THOR to the big screen with all the respect that a Thunder God deserves and all the cut obliques that a woman craves.
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THREE KINGS
Release: Oct 99 - Review: 12 Aug 10
KELLY'S HEROES without the ragtag.
...a stunning, ferocious black comedy; heavy action, heavy emotion, heavier incongruity, as a troop of American soldiers in Iraq attempts to steal Saddam Hussein's gold.
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THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
Release: Aug 09 - Review: 31 Mar 10
Going and coming across time.
...intriguing tale of a man who involuntarily travels back and forth in time, whose major problem is not, it would seem, holding down a job or keeping important appointments, but rather that it puts a crimp in his Nookie Schedule.
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TIMELINE
Release: Nov 03 - Review: 21 Jul 05
Space-Time
Continuum Saved by Surfer Dude & Community Theatre Actress.
Paul Walker's onscreen presence is constantly overpowered by any
day-player, mule or piece of rock which accidentally shares the screen with him.
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TITANIC
Release: Dec 97 - Review: 3 May 06
The King Of The
World meets The Bitch Of The Sea.
A well-made,
mind-numbing romance this cheesy usually scores low - but Cameron gained his points
purely due to his magnificent boat-tipping.
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TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD
Release: Dec 62 - Review: 30 Dec 09
To Live and Die in Americana.
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD is vibrant with the spirit of America - everything that made America - the intolerance and the acceptance...
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TOMBSTONE
Release: Dec 93 - Review: 22 May 08
When the West Was Huckleberry.
The PULP FICTION of westerns, with its vivid dialog and firestorm set pieces.
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TOMMY
Release: Mar 75 - Review: 29 Jul 06
Rock God as Singing
Savior.
... simultaneously an electrifying
musical monolith and a descent into drug-induced kookiness.
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TOSH.0
Release: Jul 09 - Review: 29 Mar 11
Darwin Awards Redux.
... like a more intelligent version of comments posted under YouTube videos, television's TOSH.0 is a wicked sign of our discourteous, disaffected, lurid times.
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THE TOWN
Release: Sep 10 - Review: 9 Feb 11
A Tale of Two Townies.
...as director, co-screenwriter and star, Affleck executes the tale well, with terse direction, street cred kineticism and a three-day growth to die for.
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TOY
STORY
Release: Nov 95 - Review: 1 May 06
Plastic Fantastic.
...succeeds on all levels - in its animation, storyline, character
development, its messages of friendship and self-realization and, most importantly,
its entertainment value.
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TOY STORY 2
Release: Nov 99 - Review: 4 Sep 10
Toying with our emotions.
...continues the tale of the toys from Andy's room, adding a few characters, upping the chase ante and breaking our hearts with animated toys that are better actors than people.
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TOY STORY 3
Release: Jun 10 - Review: 14 Sep 10
A decade later, we're still a bunch of kids.
...the magic of every TOY STORY is not in its synopsis, but in the execution of the movie and the depth of its characters. And cuteness. Don't forget cuteness.
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TRANSFORMERS
Release: Jul 07 - Review: 1 Aug 08
More Than Meets The Eye-Strain.
Though the detail is astounding on these robots, it’s ocular candy to the myocardial infarction degree. Yeh, my eyes hurt.
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TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
Release: Jun 09 - Review: 25 Oct 09
The PC-vs-Mac wars escalate.
...unnecessary complicated backstory, piled on juggernaut computer action that makes our optic nerves jigger like topless dancers in an earthquake.
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TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Release: Jun 11 - Review: 11 Dec 11
Big things breaking other big things.
I'm sure the budget of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON could wipe out Liberia's deficit, so why can't they afford passable look-alikes for Kennedy and Obama?
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TREKKIES
2
Release: Apr 04 - Review: 26 Feb 06
Where Girlfriends
Fear to Tread.
You need not watch TREKKIES to understand TREKKIES 2. No sense in hurting your intelligence lobe
twice in the same area.
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A TRIP TO THE MOON
Release: Oct 1902 - Review: 9 Apr 11
A Trip by any other name - would be just as hallucinogenic.
... directed and co-written by Frenchman Georges Méliès, the innovator who took the "moving pictures" to the next level during the birth of cinema.
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TRISTAN + ISOLDE
Release: Jan 06 - Review: 19 Jun 09
ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART.
TRISTAN AND ISOLDE, reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible.
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TRON
Release: Jul 82 - Review: 26 Aug 11
Lethal Frisbees and lighted panties.
The irony: this first ever digital world was created using only analog techniques!
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TRON LEGACY
Release: Dec 10 - Review: 29 Aug 11
Spandex Wonderland.
With a shock we realize we are looking at a COMPUTER SIMULATION of young Jeff Bridges! Oh, sweet irony of ironies! This film's plot, after all, is about stopping computer programs escaping into the real world!
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TROPIC THUNDER
Release: Aug 08 - Review: 28 Feb 09
Bringing the Thunder.
As gut-wrenching as APOCALYPSE, as heartfelt as RYAN, and as filthy as fuck, TROPIC THUNDER is another in the small oeuvre of Ben Stiller writer-director-actor comedies where Stiller goes "full retard" for maximum satirical jungle juice.
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TROUBLED WATER
Release: Sep 08 - Review: 29 Mar 10
Puts the "troubled" back in teen.
Outside the American system, TROUBLED WATER doesn't need to conform to any arc of redemption. The sun almost shines for Jan, then the waters get dark and cloudy. Wade in...
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TROY
Release: May 04 - Review: 19 Oct 05
The Achilliad.
All bronzed bicep, leonine mane and CG soldiery,
Troy is a glut-fest of regal posturing and battle-flavored man-stench.
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TRUE CRIME
Release: Mar 99 - Review: 7 Feb 10
The true crime is this movie's shallowness.
...has the potential to be a powerful thought experiment, exploring the psychology behind the perception of what True Crime truly is. Aside from implicit racism, no real issues are broached...
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TRUE GRIT
Release: Jun 69 - Review: 17 Feb 11
Flight of The Rooster.
...taking The Duke beyond his safety zone of pure-hearted, white-hatted, virginal good guy-ism and into the dark realm of dirt-talking, whiskey-guzzling, gun-killing, badass-tastic.
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TRUE GRIT 2010
Release: Dec 10 - Review: 15 Feb 11
From Duke to Dude.
...writers-directors The Coen Brothers have done the purists, the Duke, and the Western art form damn proud.
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TRUE LIES
Release: Jul 94 - Review: 9 Oct 09
Brawny Bond.
Arnold's back - in yet another extremely silly, extremely enjoyable comedy-actioner, TRUE LIES, as superspy Harry Tasker, who leads the double life of a Bond-ish field agent and a suburban family man...
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TRUE ROMANCE
Release: Sep 93 - Review: 18 Mar 10
Delicious Vicious, Frantic Romantic.
A brazen thug-fest, played like an adventure story for boys.
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THE
TRUMAN SHOW
Release: Jun 98 - Review: 31 Dec 06
Masterpiece in
a Microcosm.
Written by Andrew Niccol in an
audacious fit of prescience, Truman Burbank (Carrey) is an unsuspecting pawn in
the most ambitious reality show ever conceived...
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THE
TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS
Release: Apr 96 - Review: 18 May 07
No Truth in CATS AND DOGS.
Re-telling of the age-old Cyrano tale
with Janeane Garofalo as The Nose and Uma Thurman as The Bod.
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THE
TV WHEEL
Release: 1995 - Review: 24 Apr 04
Pure Joel, Pure
Genius.
...may not be wholly original, but the
energy and creativity Joel brought to this simple concept outweighed any kind
of composite plagiarism.
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TWILIGHT
Release: Nov 08 - Review: 11 Jun 10
Bloodless.
A chick falls in love with a fey vampire. They don't have sex. The End.
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TWILIGHT NEW MOON
Release: Nov 09 - Review: 6 Feb 11
Dead - and Mumbling It.
Kristen Stewart mumbles her way through another TWILIGHT movie.
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TWISTER
Release: May 96 - Review: 24 Jul 08
TWISTER Blows.
... trying to throw an aluminum thingy filled with little aluminum thingies into a tornado. They say it’s to research these natural disasters. Cue joke about this movie being natural disaster.
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