KISS | Revenge

Jon Dunmore

God Gaveth Rock and Roll and Taketh the Backbeat away… he amazing happens! The unthinkable becomes fact! On KISS’s 16th studio album, all Gene’s songs are better than Paul’s songs! It only took 16 albums… Revenge, produced by Bob Ezrin (who produced the KISS career high – Destroyer – AND career low – The Elder), is a cohesive, steel-belted sharpshooter. … Read More

QUEEN: CLASSIC QUEEN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Show Does Go On… Classic Queen? Isn’t everything that Queen release automatically classic? How do you differentiate? Seems Hollywood Records don’t really care, as CLASSIC QUEEN, a 1992 VHS release, is a jumble of videos from many Queen eras, focusing heavily on their later period material. Like the venality of a record company is any surprise. Godhead, icon and … Read More

KISS: X-TREME CLOSE-UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Hardcore hard rock. Shit’s about ta get RAYL! Twenty years after their inception, and a mere five years after their comical “documentary” EXPOSED, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of KISS at last shed their 13-17 demo façade, grow a little facial hair, swear like they mean it, and tell it like it really is. Or at least how Gene Simmons … Read More

BATMAN RETURNS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bat, The Cat and The Fat. Something happened between BATMAN and BATMAN RETURNS. The eighties had ended, George H.W. Bush ended his one-term presidency, CGI was invented, and director Tim Burton was so depressed about all these things that the tears in his eyes must’ve clouded his Dark Knight vision. Crooked businessman Max Shreck makes an underground freak, The … Read More

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

Poffy The Cucumber

When Roommates Go Tribade. A luscious woman is terrorized by a boxy woman. The boxy woman adopts the sexy woman’s hairdo, borrows her clothes and gives the sexy woman’s boyfriend a hummer. Terrifying, isn’t it? Really, guys, do any of you care? But seriously, who wouldn’t stalk Bridget Fonda? In this psychological thriller, she’s the luscious Allie, the SINGLE WHITE … Read More

CHAPLIN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Man, The Myth, the Trousers. Robert Downey Jr. runs around like a madman, knocks things over and falls down a lot. (Cocaine’s a helluva drug.) And in CHAPLIN, he gets to do all that without being arrested… Baron Dickie Attenborough’s CHAPLIN is a towering tribute to one of the pioneers of the motion picture industry – Charlie Chaplin, not … Read More

BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

Poffy The Cucumber

Delicious, with a hint of sour Keanu. In BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T. We all know the concept of Dracula; it is in our – ahem – bloodstreams, but in cinema, we rarely see Dracula’s origins. Director Francis Ford Coppolla opens the movie with the event that … Read More

FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST

Poffy The Cucumber

Fairies Wear Boots. A corporation is logging the Australian Ferngully rainforest – and the fairies don’t like it! So… conserving rainforests is not to preserve the complex ecosystem and therefore the delicate balance of life on Earth itself. No – it’s so FAIRIES will have a place to live. The film is dedicated to: “Our Children and Our Childrens’ Children.” … Read More

HARD BOILED

Poffy The Cucumber

Dirty Hari. Body count: a kajillion. Chow Yun-Fat is Inspector “Tequila” Yuen. He’s a cop who’s been in hot water so long, he’s HARD BOILED. Or maybe it’s cos his face is egg-shaped. He’s on the trail of a gun smuggler crime boss, Johnny Wong (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang, who has the misfortune to look like Jonathan Silverman), but Wong is … Read More

PASSENGER 57

Poffy The Cucumber

Plain Plane Pain. Wesley Snipes is airline security specialist Cutter, who is the titular PASSENGER 57 onboard a flight when it is hijacked by British terrorists trying to escape the FBI (Bruce Payne as Charles Rane (who falls mainly on the plane), and a strikingly beautiful Elizabeth Hurley as his Bad Girl). Wesley must use his patented Wesley-Kwon-Do to bring … Read More

UNLAWFUL ENTRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Creepy Eyes stalks Sexy Eyes and Doe Eyes. Even when Ray Liotta plays a good guy, he’s still kinda creepy. In UNLAWFUL ENTRY, Liotta is unbalanced cop, Officer Pete Davis, who terrorizes a break-in victim, Michael Carr (Kurt Russell), for a piece of Michael’s wife, Karen (Madeline Stowe, who is just asking for it by being Madeline Stowe). So he’s … Read More

MALCOLM X

Poffy The Cucumber

Malcolm in the Shizzle. Before MLK, Before O, there was – X. MALCOLM X – a black brimstone messiah excoriating the white devil. Denzel Washington is Malcolm Little (whom everyone calls “Red” for his conked red hair), a petty thief, cocaine addict, prostitute peddler, dynamite swing dancer, and all-round small-time gangsta before the term was invented. During the World War … Read More

UNFORGIVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Let’s get one thing straight: There are those uneducated few of this Earth who contend that UNFORGIVEN is merely a “boring western.” Rest assured I am systematically hunting down these deviants and canceling their membership to Blockbuster Video – permanently. If you know what I mean. If you are one these few – remember, I am watching you. And I … Read More