FANTASTIC FOUR 1994

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s Knobberin’ Time! Four scientist friends are bathed in the rays of a meteor and attain fantastic powers, none of which was the power to say no to appearing in this dungheap film. FANTASTIC FOUR is a contractual mishap, hurriedly made so that Constantin Film could retain the rights to the Fantastic Four comicbook characters from Marvel Comics. Marvel, in … Read More

DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Face of Retirement. Charles Bronson once acted alongside Clint Eastwood in 1965, in an episode of Clint’s TV series RAWHIDE. Two young men at the dawn of their toughguy careers. Bronson has been chasing Eastwood ever since. Certainly not consciously, and I’m sure they’d be the last to cop to the unspoken rivalry, but it was there all right … Read More

MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Frankenstein’s Mobster. MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN has the reputation for following its infamous source material closely – Mary Shelley’s groundbreaking 1818 novel, Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. The fact that it follows the book only barely, and the fact that people yet put on airs when lauding the movie as authentic shows how much people actually read. Kenneth Branagh directs and … Read More

KISS MY ASS

Poffy The Cucumber

Kicking Kissed Ass. KISS MY ASS is the 1994 home video release in conjunction with the 1994 album of the same name (Kiss My Ass: Classic Kiss Regrooved), but is a totally different rock animal. Unlike the album, it ain’t a bunch of popular bands doing KISS covers. It’s the Real Thing. On their 20th anniversary, KISS release another collection … Read More

LEON

Poffy The Cucumber

Angel and the Bad Man. If cuteness has a forbidden name – then, oh Christ! It must be Natalie Portman! If loving this 12-year-old is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Or in jail. LÉON (aka THE PROFESSIONAL) is writer-director Luc Besson‘s masterpiece. For its poignant paintings of shadowy souls in conflict with themselves and each other; for its dynamite … Read More

THE SANTA CLAUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Insanity Clause. Santa Claus has his own kind of occult life insurance. If he dies, the person who puts on his suit becomes him (against their will), replete with obesity genes, forceful beard that cannot be shaved off and occult powers of transmogrification; Santa Claus’s life essence preserved and transferred, the person who becomes him having no choice but to … Read More

SPEED

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Miss Dazey. Play the drinking game to this movie, for every time you hear the words, “Hang on!” You’ll end up drunker than Lindsey Lohan. SPEED – an action movie that delivers a thrill a minute, almost as often as you have to take a drink – arguably put Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves and director Jan de Bont on … Read More

TRUE LIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Brawny Bond. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s back – in yet another extremely silly, extremely enjoyable comedy-actioner, TRUE LIES, as superspy Harry Tasker, who leads the double life of a Bond-ish field agent and a suburban family man, his wife, Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis), and daughter (Eliza Dushku) oblivious to his “real” job, thinking he is a boring computer consultant. James Cameron writes … Read More

STAR TREK: GENERATIONS

Poffy The Cucumber

Generation Pap. The Death of Kirk! You know these filmmakers are going to hell for this, right? STAR TREK: GENERATIONS was meant to showcase the TREK TV spinoff, THE NEXT GENERATION; instead, the singular event on all our minds is how Kirk is going to eat it. The Original Series fans would dread the moment, yet obsessively study it with … Read More

THE RIVER WILD

Poffy The Cucumber

Up The Creek… Kevin Bacon is definitely one of those good-guy actors who can pull off a sinister performance when called upon by a lusterless script. In THE RIVER WILD, he white-waters into mediocrity as the Bad Bacon, holding a family hostage to help him navigate Montana rapids after a heist. Is it TOO much of a coincidence that this … Read More

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994

Poffy The Cucumber

A Muddle-Headed Miracle. WARNING TO DIABETICS: The syrup content of MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET is so high that the surgeon general advises not to watch it, for danger of inducing diabetic neuropathy and gastroparesis. Les Mayfield (ENCINO MAN) directs this remake of the 1947 “classic,” about a Coles store Santa who claims to be “Kris Kringle” (Richard Attenborough), and is … Read More

INTERSECTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Gere Up For Double The Love. Whadaya know: if you’re skidding headlong into a death-tastic car accident, and you happen to be Richard Gere, your life does flash before your eyes – well, your love life, at least. If you’re Richard Gere. INTERSECTION is almost a Chick-Flick version of MEMENTO, as Vincent (Gere) reminiscences back through his life of juggling … Read More

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

When Over-The-Top is Under-Achieving. Alllrighty then… Like a ballistic missile launched from the irreverent camp of IN LIVING COLOR, (of which he was the odd-white-man-out alumnus), Jim Carrey‘s second-ever leading role as the eponymous ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE remains a watershed performance of mega-ultra-outré singularity. The plot of the singularly incongruous Pet Detective (roving rampant amidst the real police department’s investigations) recovering … Read More

THE STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

My Favorite Martian versus Garth Brooks. This story should have stayed in our heads. Reading Stephen King’s daunting 1000+ page The Stand (restored version, of course), nothing “visual” could intercept our imagination driving onto the wastelands of a dead earth, seeing an unseeable being (Flagg) in our mind’s eye, envisioning the disturbing horrors of the Lincoln Tunnel gridlock, the appendix operation, … Read More