THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

A White House impossibly stupider than W’s. At a press conference, Mike Brady summarizes the mildly insane plot of THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE: “Bobby was playing in an abandoned warehouse where he really shouldn’t’ve been. But he was. Then he found a lottery ticket which he shouldn’t’ve taken. But he did. And then one thing led to … Read More

CARRIE 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Snoozefest in Red. CARRIE (2002) is the TV movie remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma feature film, from the Stephen King novel of the same name. And it shows. Director David Carson (STAR TREK GENERATIONS) seems so acutely aware of his film’s low production values, he thinks he can make up for them by adopting the method of MTV … Read More

POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES

Poffy The Cucumber

The times they are a-changing, with the crimes they are a-staging. Everyone’s worried about stopping terrorism. There’s a really easy way: stop participating in it. — Noam Chomsky. Not so much a documentary as a dialogue, POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES is a companion piece to Chomsky’s 2002 book titled 9-11, which offers an alternate/political-insider view to … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Chamber of Feebness. The sequel to HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE, HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, continues the richly-layered story of young wizard Harry Potter and his friends in their second year at Hogwarts, the school for enunciating British kids. A monster awaits in a chamber of secrets and only Harry can defeat it using numerous … Read More

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Mega Godzilla! TITLE CARD Tateyama, Chiba Prefecture. A TV reporter being battered by driving rain, describing the tempest. Behind him, the sea roils. As he says, “It’s huge and getting bigger by the minute!” his crew stare gape-mouthed at what’s behind him, rising from the deep: a gigantic creature, spiked back, blackened skin, dinosaurian in aspect. CUT TO A shopkeeper … Read More

THE SANTA CLAUSE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Papa’s got a brand new bag – I mean, wife. Due to THE SANTA CLAUSE 2, Santa Claus must find a wife or he will magically stop being Santa Claus, presumably leaving one billion spoiled brats on Earth wailing in frenzy for their free toys. It’s eight years later – in real time and movie time – since THE SANTA … Read More

STAR TREK: NEMESIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nature vs. Nurture vs. Nemesis. Jonathan Frakes is the most useless, insipid character in the STAR TREK universe. There, I said it. (Send your hate mail to 80 Vanilla Street, Who-Gives-A-Shit, CA, Stardate 2350.) Now let’s talk about useless, insipid movies… STAR TREK NEMESIS is the fourth and last The Next Generation (TNG) adventure, continuing the STAR TREK legacy with … Read More

DEEP PURPLE: MACHINE HEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

In Rock Gods We Trust. Machine Head was basically built on six or seven indestructible guitar riffs. — Brad Tolinski, Guitar World. The Classic Albums series showcases the seminal 1972 Deep Purple juggernaut, Machine Head. “Classic Albums,” produced by Isis Productions and Eagle Vision, is an excellent series to begin with, as the artists who forged the albums that changed … Read More

THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Of gods and mothmen. Big moth. Big mystery! THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES is a well-directed, original psychological thriller about a stranger (Richard Gere) in a small town who is driven almost mad with disembodied voices warning of danger, all the while hearing tales around town from reputable witnesses, of an eight-foot tall “Mothman” that could somehow be connected to the prophecies. … Read More

FIREFLY

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Gorram good – once you get past the rutting cheapness. Am I that shallow? Do I only dig Nathan Fillion because he looks exactly like the great and powerful Gale Harold from QUEER AS FOLK? Yes, I am that shallow. Fillion is Captain Malcolm Reynolds, helming a “Firefly class” spaceship named Serenity, five hundred years in the future. And it … Read More

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Incredible movie of a non-credible story. PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE is not a movie. It is a tonal poem. Writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson (MAGNOLIA, 1999) paints in dire hues, onerous sound and shifty-eyed desperation. And he makes a Man out of Adam Sandler – an achievement in itself. Sandler is Barry Egan, a businessman whose company makes novelty toiletries. He’s not all … Read More

SECRETARY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Love That Dares Speak Its Name. I like the little way the line runs up the back of the stockings… — David Lee Roth, “Everybody Wants Some.” BONDAGE: Her neck cuffed with a steel horizontal bar, her arms cuffed outstretched to that bar, in crucifixion position – while performing office duties. DISCIPLINE: Lean her over the desk and spank … Read More

BLOOD WORK

Poffy The Cucumber

Anemic Harry. If Dirty Harry was a heart transplant patient. In BLOOD WORK, Clint Eastwood is FBI detective Terry McCaleb, who suffers a heart attack chasing down a thief. Forced to retire after a heart transplant operation, he is approached by the transplant donor’s sister, Graciella (Wanda De Jesús) who tells him his donor was a murder victim. She wants … Read More

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS

Poffy The Cucumber

When Wizards Collide. Gandalf is SUCH a badass! Wizard against Balrog in a film opening so power-hammering it is astonishing that writer-director Peter Jackson didn’t score a cross-promotion rollercoaster ride at Universal Studios called The Falling Balrog. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS opens at the middle of the last film, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (2001), as … Read More

ALI G INDAHOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Ups. And Much Sideways. Bet Charles Dance has never in his career said anything remotely like: “Is there any reason why there should be an absurdly dressed half-naked man chained to a fence being tossed off by an old blind council worker?” The half-naked man is hip hop defender of the Westside Massive turf of Staines, west of London, … Read More

THE NEW GUY

Poffy The Cucumber

Once a Dork… So I’m totally writers-blocked one night while trying to finish my script, SHIFTER. And I’m channel-surfing cable, my mind a blank, settling in to a long night of unproductivity, wondering fearfully – like everyone who experiences the steel wall of Writer’s Block – how I’ll ever be able to string words together again, when suddenly – THE … Read More

SIGNS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cream of the Crop Circles. SIGNS is a storytelling masterpiece from writer-director, M. Night Shyamalan; a master moviemaker’s layered mosaic of fear, faith, family – and alien invasion. Don’t let the “alien” thing throw you – like every Night thriller, SIGNS is not of the Running and Screaming stripe, rather, a beautifully crafted lesson in film “making”; creative angles, smart … Read More

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Bourne To Do It. Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that’s his name. After being pulled unconscious from a European ocean, Jason Bourne (Matt Damon, with that overly concerned look on his face that signifies he’s Acting) awakens with a head-throbbing case of Selective Amnesia in THE BOURNE IDENTITY. … Read More

CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISION COURSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Madman Across the Water. Some people say Steve Irwin’s larrikin antics and gregarious personality are only an act. Watch this film: it’s obvious he can’t act. Steve Irwin, dangerman star of the small screen in his CROCODILE HUNTER DIARIES, CROC FILES and eponymous CROCODILE HUNTER series (you see a naming trend here?), rockets his larger-than-strife persona to the big screen … Read More

JACKASS: THE MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Jockstraps and Beer. If human civilization is to retain any semblance of forward momentum, never let our children see JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Matter of fact, once you’ve seen it yourself, burn your copy and wash your genitals. With a bravado that most of us relinquish at age twelve, Johnny Knoxville and his near-equals in brain-deficiency offer innumerable hideously-filmed vignettes of … Read More