THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Dysfunction. THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE is a 2004 remake of the 1965 series LOST IN SPACE, and remains as one unaired pilot episode. Following the unsuccessful filmic remake of LOST IN SPACE in 1998 (starring William Hurt and Gary Oldman), which was criticized (incorrectly) as being too dark, this television production goes in another direction and soaps … Read More

THE RUTLES 2: CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH

Poffy The Cucumber

I’m looking through you, You’re not the same. A fun retelling/revisiting the legend of The Rutles and their trousers. THE RUTLES 2: CAN’T BUY ME LUNCH is pieced together from outtakes of THE RUTLES (1978) and new talking head footage compiled by Eric Idle. And it shows. Playing his same Interviewer character from the previous film 26 years ago, a … Read More

DISTRICT 13

Poffy The Cucumber

Run, jump, drive, shoot. Foot to the face. Popcorn. Jackie Chan and THE TRANSPORTER had an ADHD baby that spoke French. And it was called DISTRICT 13. An ex-crim and an undercover cop team up to go deep into the bowels of a toxic, walled-off district to retrieve a neutron bomb from the local crime lord, who is aiming it … Read More

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Inhale. Sit back. Enjoy. HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE is the stoner film just waiting to exhale after Cheech and Chong retired their bong with STILL SMOKIN (1988). Starring John Cho as Harold Lee (AMERICAN PIE 2) and Kal Penn as Kumar Patel (VAN WILDER), WHITE CASTLE is a road movie following two roommate slackers who crave White … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Azkabana-fo-fana. Harry Potter’s getting on to “that age.” At the opening of HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, we meet him in bed under the blankets, playing with his wand. And Hermione is – how shall I say this without sounding as perverse as the rest of you who deny you’re looking? – budding… And Ron is still a … Read More

THE VILLAGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Mythed it by that much. Somewhere between expectancy and deliverance – lies M. Night Shyamalan‘s THE VILLAGE. The people of an Amish-styled village share an uneasy truce with the mysterious beasts that haunt the surrounding woods – until a blind girl courageously braves the woods on a mission of mercy. The people of Covington lead an idyllic Old World existence, … Read More

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Final Bores. GODZILLA: FINAL WARS – the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design, and where each line of dialogue makes no sense in the context of the line just before it. It’s Godzilla’s 50th anniversary, his 29th film, and the 6th and final film in the Millennium series… and aliens … Read More

WIMBLEDON

Poffy The Cucumber

Serve, Return, Rally, Lob, Smash – Love. Rigorous love-game and stalking game-play – or is it the other way ’round? – make WIMBLEDON an enjoyable afternoon on the green. Peter Colt (British Nice Guy Paul Bettany) was once ranked 11th in the tennis world; now in his thirties, he finds himself 119th and dispiritedly shopping for jobs as a tennis … Read More

CHRIS ROCK: NEVER SCARED

Poffy The Cucumber

Fearless and Peerless. A touch of Cosby, a sprinkle of Pryor – and a slam of Rock. CHRIS ROCK: NEVER SCARED is the comedian’s fourth HBO Special, recorded in March 2004 at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. And I almost feel guilty making the inevitable comparisons to his predecessors. Because he’s better than both of them. Yeah, I said … Read More

VAN HELSING

Poffy The Cucumber

It was a Monster Mash! How does Kate Beckinsale run in those stilettos? She is one of the most beautiful women on this ugly planet – but that Boris-and-Natasha accent is a real turn-off. Her Transylvanian is worse than Don Cheadle’s cockney. In VAN HELSING, Beckinsale is Anna Valerious, a European village warrior woman with big hair, big sword and … Read More

RAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy and Triumph on the Cliché Superhighway. A talented superstar like Ray Charles deserves every bit of tribute he receives, so the makers of RAY can be forgiven for their “good intent” (tempered by their desire for profit, of course), but in crafting this ostensible monument to the blind blues-gospel pianist, they step knee deep in every cliché created by … Read More

FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX 2004

Poffy The Cucumber

Phoenix rising from the hashes. Remake of the classic 1965 Robert Aldrich film of the same name, John Moore directs this FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX with a slick, severe spank, yet fails to conjure the tension and desperation of the original. We can pinpoint the exact moment it fails: OutKast – “Hey Ya!” Yes, that “Hey Ya!” – that song … Read More

KILL BILL VOLUME 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Bridal Power. Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. — William Congreve, “The Mourning Bride” (1697). The second installment of Quentin Tarantino’s KILL BILL masterpiece blasts in with “Chapter Six”– Yes, a movie starting at Chapter Six is audacious enough, but this chapter itself is a flashback to the … Read More

THE LADYKILLERS 2004

Poffy The Cucumber

Killer me saucy. A farcical heist movie, with quirky characters, sharp, dark storyline and dialogue so delicious you can feed your cat with it. It’s not describing a suave Bond-type; the title of this movie is literal – but easier said than done. THE LADYKILLERS follows confidence man Professor G.H. Dorr (Tom Hanks in the sauciest, most enunciated performance of … Read More

SOMETHING THE LORD MADE

Poffy The Cucumber

I Heart Heart Surgery. Apparently Mos Def is a rapper. But alongside veteran actor Alan Rickman, we’d be hard-pressed not to regard him as Rickman’s thesp equal. A True Story worthy of movie status. Not another Viet Nam bore-fest or boxer’s tragic rhapsody or musician’s clichéd biopic, SOMETHING THE LORD MADE addresses an aspect so embedded in our modern culture … Read More

CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dreaming of a Fight Christmas. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas. From a John Grisham novel, Skipping Christmas (which I presume is as compelling as his other books – and therefore nowhere near as asinine as this movie), KRANKS is about middle-aged upper-class couple Luther and Nora … Read More

SUPER SIZE ME

Poffy The Cucumber

Eat It To Death. Okay okay, I got a funny story for you – but the kids have to leave the room…When I was 23, I convinced my young girlfriend to teach her girlfriend how to – shall we say – “eat” me. As immoral, boastful and enviably man-tastic as that may sound, the punchline is: I coerced them into … Read More

TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE

Poffy The Cucumber

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of the heroes. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE: saving the world from terrorism… whether we like it or not. It’s like THUNDERBIRDS for assholes. Once again the SOUTH PARK instigators (Trey Parker and Matt Stone) steer into the curve with a raunchy, revolutionary, incitant comedy gem. With R-Rated puppets! The Team America counter-terrorism “freedom fighters” (runway … Read More

50 FIRST DATES

Poffy The Cucumber

Fuggedaboudit! Another Adam Sandler movie. Another Chick Flick. Another romantic comedy. Another film that Rob Schneider appears in. All in all, another Spectacular Waste Of Time. 50 FIRST DATES is almost as painful as the brain injury it makes fun of. Henry (Sandler) is a marine biologist at a SeaWorld in Hawaii. (If you can conceptualize Adam Sandler as a … Read More

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bashin’ of The Christ. Yeah, this is what all those other Jesus movies have been missing – the TORTURE. If you’re gonna bash Jesus, you might as well bash him right. Okay, send me your hate mail and get it over with. But Mel, not me, does more bashing of your effeminate savior than every other Jesus movie in … Read More