MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

Poffy The Cucumber

The Running Spy. Running. If you like running, you’ll love MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Because that’s all that Tom Cruise seems to be doing in it. Besides running, Cruise is also being IMF espionage agent Ethan Hunt. (When he tells someone that IMF stands for “Impossible Missions Force,” we realize how ridiculous it sounds, and why everybody’s trying to kill him). … Read More

TRANSAMERICA

Poffy The Cucumber

Transcenderbender. TRANSAMERICA – the story of a transsexual male in the last stages of his quest to become truly female and undergo gender reassignment surgery – might be quite disturbing to some people. Especially Felicity Huffman. How disturbing is it for a woman to be cast as someone who looks like a man who’s trying to look like a woman?! … Read More

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Dazey. The owners of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise drive themselves into a ditch in this third film, by overhauling their original cast in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT. The story is simple and stupid, like its lead character Sean Boswell (Lucas Black, the discount Paul Walker, with zero gravitas and even less acting prowess, … Read More

SNAKES ON A PLANE

Poffy The Cucumber

Reptile Dysfunction. A young motocross rider witnesses a mob murder in Hawaii and is scooped up by the FBI to testify in Los Angeles. On the plane journey to the mainland, the mobster releases hundreds of SNAKES ON A PLANE to wipe out the witness. If this method seems a little hit-or-miss, expensive, inefficient and downright stupid, you’re absolutely right. … Read More

GAMERA THE BRAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade. A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla. Uh-oh. The Giant Monster Council has been disbanded! Not the Giant Monster Council! So much downtime between rubber suit attacks, all those politicians just sat around watching Godzilla movies. GAMERA THE BRAVE is the 12th Gamera movie, and to date, the 1st and only … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL Zac Efron Vanessa Hudgens

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

POSEIDON

Poffy The Cucumber

The Boat, The Wave, The Snake. One scene in POSEIDON will live with you long after you’ve dried off and found your land legs: Kurt Russell actually drowning. Literally. In a move that is half-Method/half-Madness, Russell lets his lungs purposely fill with water to achieve what looks like someone actually drowning. And actually drowns! It was arranged that lifeguards retrieve … Read More

THE BENCHWARMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-ginas Assemble! Question: How retarded do you have to be to enjoy THE BENCHWARMERS? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ retarded. When Rob Schneider is the best thing in your movie, you’ve got a problem. And when Rob Schneider is actually good in your movie, you really have to wonder at how bad everything else is to make this actor’s excuse for a … Read More

JACKASS NUMBER TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

More Jockstraps, More Beer. Johnny Knoxville and his crew of masochists do more stupid stuff which hurts them badly and could get them killed – and film it. Number Two in name, number two in nature. But of course, they meant it that way. And that’s what scares me… JACKASS NUMBER TWO is so funny and so unnecessary that I’m … Read More

HARD CANDY

Poffy The Cucumber

For Unlawful Carnal Carnage. A man picks up the wrong underage girl to molest. Oh, he gets screwed all right – but not in the way he planned… Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed. (Anonymous) Funny or disgusting? If you’re a schoolboy, it’s hilarious. If you’re a fundamentalist Republican hypocrite, you’ll pretend it’s disgusting to your constituents – until … Read More

STEP INTO LIQUID

Poffy The Cucumber

Liquid Assets. Surfing is not a matter of life and death… It’s more important than that. — surfer’s credo. STEP INTO LIQUID is one helluva surfing documentary – and we never once hear the words “dude” or “brah”! And writer-director Dana Brown’s tribute to board-dom is not just an esoteric in-gag for surfers. It embraces every one of us citizens … Read More

SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT

Poffy The Cucumber

The Donner Party. “KNEEL BEFORE EDITING!” It’s SUPERMAN II in Donner Vision! Released on DVD in 2006 on the strength of fan uproar, THE RICHARD DONNER CUT is better than the Richard Lester debacle. But not by much. The overarching tale is the same: as Superman relinquishes his powers to play patticake with Lois Lane, three supervillains from Krypton terrorize … Read More

THE QUEEN

Poffy The Cucumber

SexyRegal is the new Streep. Regal AND sexy. Only Helen Mirren could pull that off… Mirren is THE QUEEN. Inhabiting the role of Elizabeth II like she was born into the English monarchy, giving the old biddy some reg’lr ole toughness, independence and spunk, at one point reminding her aides that she was a mechanic during The War. THE QUEEN … Read More

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Heroine. Luke Wilson sells this film. MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND has Ivan Reitman (GHOSTBUSTERS) directing, a solid comedy writer from THE SIMPSONS, Don Payne, Rainn Wilson at the top of his game and Eddie Izzard at the middle (though still attaining the standard of low-bar American comedians); it also has Uma Thurman looking hot – as a super heroine AND … Read More

DECK THE HALLS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off. DECK THE HALLS is about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito), in trying to alleviate his self-esteem issues, decides to light up his house so brightly it can be seen from space. Luckily, it’s Christmas, when snideness and unbridled, irrational spending are rife in … Read More

OPEN WATER 2: ADRIFT

Poffy The Cucumber

Sea Legs in the second act. Breezed past OPEN WATER 2: ADRIFT on cable one night and stopped to watch the trainwreck, thinking, “this might be good for a laugh”… However, after the tiresome first act, ADRIFT gets surprisingly good. Surprisingly fast. To be fair, you must know some things going into this movie. It was originally called simply ADRIFT, … Read More

SAW III

Poffy The Cucumber

Now it’s just painful. A horror movie with brains… splashing all over your feet as they fall out of someone’s skull. Okay, now it’s officially gratuitous. SAW III begins the ruination of the SAW franchise. Not only is it needlessly gory, original SAW writers Leigh Whannell and James Wan try to connect the existing SAW movies in a Grande Trilogy … Read More

THE DESCENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Six Chicks Go Down. From all reports, I knew THE DESCENT was going to be “affecting.” What I didn’t expect was to end up curled in a corner in a fetal position, gently rocking back and forth, dribbling slightly, and calling my dolly’s name in the darkness. Six women into extreme sports go spelunking. After an uneventful night in a … Read More

ZOOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Dumber Than a Speeding Bullet. This movie made me weep with emotion. I had no idea a movie could be THIS FREAKIN’ BAD. Oh, of course – Chevy Chase is in it. ‘Nuff said. Tim Allen is retired superhero Zoom (think: The Flash as a doughy guy), called back into service by the secret government agency (aren’t they all?) that … Read More

TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

Poffy The Cucumber

ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART. Don’t look for any historical resonance in this version of TRISTAN AND ISOLDE, reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible. So no aspect of this Kevin Reynolds-directed romancer should be confused with the actual legend … Read More