HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

Poffy The Cucumber

High on Schrooms-ical. Three words describe HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR: Ab. Bombin’. Nation. Once again, choreographer Kenny Ortega directs, and clueless, unoriginal screenwriter Peter Barsocchini writes what will eventually end up a laughing fart from the buttocks of Satan. Zac Efron returns as Troy Bolton, beefcake boy-beauty of East High School, with his indeterminate-Latina girlfriend Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens, … Read More

BREAKING BAD SEASON ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Fine Meth You’ve Gotten Us Into, Yo! BREAKING BAD is about a man who finds his balls. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) is a middle class suburban chemistry teacher with a wife and crippled son, who discovers he has cancer, and stumbles into a situation that allows him to create inordinate wealth to provide for his family before he dies … Read More

STRANGE WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Wild(ly retarded) Kingdom. STRANGE WILDERNESS is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s not just the worst comedy, it’s not just the worst road movie, it’s not just the worst buddy movie or redemption movie or animal movie I’ve seen; it is simply the worst MOVIE. Period. In an effort to staunch failing ratings after … Read More

SEMI-PRO

Poffy The Cucumber

SEMI-PRO is Mostly Amateur. Will Ferrell stars as Jackie Moon in SEMI-PRO, the owner-coach-player of Flint Michigan basketball team, the Tropics, last place in their local Basketball Association. When the Association accepts a merger with the NBA, they threaten to drop the Tropics from their roster, so in order to make his team’s NBA dreams come true, Jackie Moon must … Read More

FOUR CHRISTMASES

Poffy The Cucumber

Four times the noxious. FOUR CHRISTMASES would be nothing without Jon Favreau dry-humping Vince Vaughn‘s twisted arm. Best part of the movie. I laughed out loud. Then the movie kept going. Unfortunately. In this uneven comedy, Brad (Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon) are a boisterous, adventurous young couple who studiously avoid visiting their dysfunctional families every christmas, opting to take … Read More

SWING VOTE

Poffy The Cucumber

Blockheading the vote. Plot of SWING VOTE is stupider than a session of the United States Congress: in a presidential election, citizen Bud Johnson (Kevin Costner) misses his last voting day, so his young daughter (Madeline Carroll) fraudulently casts what she believes to be his vote, but the electronic voting booth malfunctions, and due to the two candidates being in … Read More

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Poffy The Cucumber

I’ve already forgotten. Forgettable romantic comedy about a jilted guy who takes a Hawaiian vacation alone to forget the girl who jilted him, only to find she is on the island, in the same hotel, ultimately in the room next door – with her new boyfriend. Beige, uncomfortable laughs ensue. Redeeming factors of FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL: Judd Apatow is producer, … Read More

BLINDNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Looking Good. Here’s an interesting thought-experiment: What if everyone in the world went blind? BLINDNESS unflinchingly explores how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise? A man goes blind in his car, waiting at a red light. Another man helps him home, then steals his car. Then he goes blind … Read More

GONZO: THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON

Poffy The Cucumber

Where the wave finally broke and rolled back… I’m really in the way as a person. The myth has taken over. — Hunter S. Thompson. He was the rock star of writers. So it is fitting he graced the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine when he died. Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005), the pill-popping, alcoholic, gun-toting, womanizing, self-proclaimed doctor of Gonzo … Read More

ROLE MODELS

Poffy The Cucumber

Old rockstars never die – they just become movie references. Any movie that is such homage to KISS can’t be all that bad. KISS is, after all, the role model for four generations of rock bands. Beth, Rock and Roll All Night, Love Gun, Detroit Rock City – sung or heard as source music; a KISS pinball machine; Seann William … Read More

TWILIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloodless. A chick falls in love with a fey vampire. They don’t have sex. The End. Vampires used to be scary once. The iconography of the blood-drinking psychotic, the shape-shifting coffin-dweller, reached a horrifying zenith with the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker (published 1897). Then came the startling film NOSFERATU (1922). Modern media has progressively been bleeding out all the … Read More

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dude, Where’s My Car(eer)? In DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?, Ashton Kutcher wakes after a drunken party, doesn’t remember what he did, and spends the movie trying to rectify the previous night’s mistakes. In WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, Ashton Kutcher wakes after a drunken party, doesn’t remember what he did, and tries to rectify the previous night’s mistakes. It’s nice to … Read More

SEX AND THE CITY

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Harridans. Four ugly women bitch and moan about men. The End. Nauseating and irrelevant to men and people with more than half a functioning brain, SEX AND THE CITY THE MOVIE is a temple to the spoiled-hideous First World upper class fem-empowered sub culture. Since its inception as a TV series in 1998 (created by Darren Star) SEX … Read More

TROUBLED WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Puts the “troubled” back in teen. When “troubled teens” are embroiled in gangs (ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA) or drugs (TRAINSPOTTING, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM), it is a life decision, a commitment to those lifestyles that drives their drama. In the Norwegian film, TROUBLED WATER, it’s different: a teen commits one thoughtless act that has life-shaking consequences long after … Read More

BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008

Poffy The Cucumber

Bangkok Mildly Threatening. We just have to accept it for what it is. Comparing BANGKOK DANGEROUS 2008 to its original 1999 version is like comparing AMERICAN IDOL karaoke wannabes to real vocalists in hardworking rock bands. The original BANGKOK DANGEROUS (1999) – with its unassailable hook of the deaf mute teenage Bangkok hitman – wipes the floor with 2008’s version. … Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen. Has stupider become the new darker? Everyone thrills at describing how PRINCE CASPIAN, the second movie in THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA series, is “darker” than its predecessor, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (2005). But they lost me at pasty, delicate, British kids playing pretend “warriors.” I’m just not buying any of … Read More

YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Political Palestinian-Israeli Zionist Hairdresser Sex Comedy. YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN messes with our brains. Because it’s actually funny. Messing with our preconceptions that Adam Sandler is a mindless jerk, writers Sandler, Robert Smigel and the great Judd Apatow give us ridiculous piled on absurd and nipple-pinched by insane. And thankfully, mediocre director Dennis Dugan (his imdb directorial ratings … Read More

88 MINUTES

Poffy The Cucumber

87 Minutes Too Long. In 88 MINUTES, Al Pacino is FBI forensic psychiatrist Jack Gramm, who puts away a serial killer, Jon Forster (crazy-eyed Neal McDonough) and gets a phone call on Forster’s scheduled execution day – a Darth Voice telling him he has 88 minutes left to live. Coincidentally, Pacino’s hair is so big, he looks like he is … Read More

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

Poffy The Cucumber

Sweet and Sour Hanky Skanky. “Sweet” might not be the first word that comes to mind when thinking of a movie with the word “Porno” in the title – but that’s exactly what this movie is: a heartfelt romantic comedy. Oh God! I almost vomited – I never thought I’d see the words “heartfelt romantic comedy” typed onto my sacred … Read More

BODY OF LIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants on Fire! Little Boy Leo is now Big Bad DiCaprio. In BODY OF LIES, Leo has finished growing the beard he started in BLOOD DIAMOND and is neck deep in Syriana. He is undercover CIA operative Ferris, stationed in the Middle East, embroiled in an undercover plot to plant a Taliban newbie as a rising demagogue, in order to … Read More