THE BOURNE LEGACY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bourne Non-Identity. Poor Jeremy Renner! First he takes a job as the least of THE AVENGERS, now he’s on a job as the least of the BOURNEs! He’s a good actor, he’s got charisma, he’s inshape, seems like a nice guy – but when will he get a break as a leading man? Jason Bourne IS Hawkeye! THE BOURNE … Read More

KISS | Monster

Jon Dunmore

Dinosaurs… with sharp teeth! he problem is: I’m old. And so are you. And so is KISS. Pondering the 20th studio album of a band 38 years old is a daunting task when we’ve come so far together, across mountains of metal and deserts of disco; through the shadow of The Elder, borne on a cross of Crazy Nights; weighing … Read More

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Yaaaaaaawn–EXPLODE. Who knew the end of the world would be so boring? With such good acting? And apparently the soundtrack to the world ending is soft rock. Soft rock, people. The preferred music of societal chaos and megalithic destruction. So keep those Dan Fogelberg and Herb Alpert albums at the ready. SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD, … Read More

ARROW

Poffy The Cucumber

Through an Arrow Greenly. He’s green. He shoots arrows. He’s – The Hood. Uh, I mean, he’s Green Arrow, um, at least, that’s who he’s meant to be – but no one ever calls him that in ARROW… the CW TV series that is too-kewl-fer-skool or sumpin. (What is it with these “grounded” superhero tales? So it’s not legit to … Read More

HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

The Blondes At The End Of The Boobs. From all appearances, HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET looks like your conventional thriller about the suspicious outcast across the street that could be a murderer or child molester, or worse. Like maybe a Republican. Rumors, sexual tension, “he’s really a sweet guy, just misunderstood…” In the end, it is a … Read More

THE HUNGER GAMES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dum-ber Games. THE HUNGER GAMES gets caught up being a kid’s actioner with a hot chick, even though it originates as a grim commentary about class warfare. With a hot chick. It’s the dystopian future. (Sheesh! Either it’s ‘apocalyptic’ or ‘dystopian’ – isn’t there ever a boring samo-samo future in mankind’s future?) And the ruling classes tyrannize the underclasses … Read More

ROCK OF AGES

Poffy The Cucumber

Crock of Ages. My flesh was crawling so vividly during every minute of the mindless, sanitized, second-rate karaoke movie ROCK OF AGES that by the time it ended I was sitting in one seat and my flesh was four seats over. I would sincerely like to kick this movie to death. This whole concept is a MISTAKE. From the Broadway … Read More

THE MASTER

Poffy The Cucumber

MASTER-ful. Actor’s Actor + Actor’s Actor = Actors Actors Actors Actors. Joaquin Phoenix meets Philip Seymour Hoffman and all Asgard and Midgard tremble in their Acting wake. Freddie Quell (Phoenix) is a rudderless veteran returning from WWII, who stumbles upon the yacht of Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman), a “minister” for The Cause, one of those pseudo-scientific cults that likes to pretend … Read More

A THOUSAND WORDS

Poffy The Cucumber

Nine-hundred and ninety words too long. A THOUSAND WORDS just needs four words to describe it: Writing: good. Movie: average. Eddie Murphy stars as big mouth literary agent Jack McCall, whose encounter with guru Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis) leads to a Bodhi tree magically springing up in his backyard, which loses a leaf for every word that Jack speaks. He … Read More

BIGFOOT 2012

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Foot In Mouth. Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT! The horror, the unmitigated horror – of watching Danny Bonaduce (aka Danny Partridge) trying to find a facial expression besides Douche No. 3. He’s Harley Anderson, a radio talk-show host who clears 50 acres of forest to hold a rock festival. Barry Williams (aka … Read More

MIRROR MIRROR 2012

Poffy The Cucumber

Snow Shite and the Repression Dwarfs. Snow White with a unibrow! A retelling of Snow White from the wicked queen’s point of view. Which means MIRROR MIRROR makes as much sense as every other point of view – none. Unnecessary special effects (that are not that special when overused to this extent), intentionally juvenile performances and irritating editing make this … Read More

THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute. THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE is the indie sequel to BUNNYMAN (2011), continuing the gore-fest in the grand tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting. Bunnyman (Joshua Lang, attired in constant bunny suit) goes on a killing rampage somewhere in the … Read More

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darkest Knight. 60 years ago writer-director Christopher Nolan would have been one of the premier exponents of film noir. Conceptually and cinematically, his DARK KNIGHT trilogy is one of the most somber excursions into dual personality crises, moral relativism, vigilantism and nihilism. And Batman would have been Humphrey Bogart. “Here’s lookin’ at you, Gotham…” Just as dour as Bogart, Christian … Read More

2016: OBAMA’S AMERICA

Poffy The Cucumber

Fooling the Fools again. Who we foolin’ here? All one needs to glean a perspective on this documentary’s Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS) is to read the opening lines of any of its “sensible” “unbiased” “objective” reviews; all the waterheads who feel the need to proclaim, “First off I want to say that I based this documentary on the content rather … Read More

SKYFALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Bond-fall. James Bond returns in SKYFALL – and is immediately killed… Trending in movies: heroes do not just fall – everything they know is compromised; everything that makes them a hero is called into question. They fall from the greatest height possible (is this the play on words in sky fall?), to make their rise all the more sexy (as … Read More

THE DICTATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

For To Make Democratize in America. In the grand tradition of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visiting Columbia University in 2007 and denying the Holocaust, claiming Iran has no gays and lets women roam free with equal rights, so too is Wadiya’s dictator Hafez Aladeen, granted all courtesies when visiting the United Nations to extol the virtues of his oppressive Middle … Read More

SINISTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghouls on Film. How ’bout turning on a freakin’ light?! SINISTER is a well-made and effective horror movie, so we expect a certain amount of darkness, metaphorically and literally, but has anyone heard of Thomas Alva Edison around here? Formulated the modern electric light bulb in 1879 – and I’m sure the Department of Water and Power is pumping that … Read More

BRAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

That hair! That hair! That hair!… What story? So this is what Rebekah Brooks did before she was personal assistant to media magnate and zombie apocalypser Rupert Murdoch. In the Pixar production BRAVE, Rebekah’s avatar Princess Merida is graced with ravenous lava locks so visually titillating it distracts viewers into lauding the movie as a modern classic. You lost me … Read More

TAKEN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Istanbullshit. Great KEY & PEELE sketch where two valets who are action movie fanatics drool maniacally in their frenetic praises of Liam Neeson, calling him ‘Liam Neesons’ in TAKEN and TAKEN 2 (which they call TOOKEN and TOOKEN 2), their heads eventually exploding in fervor over Neesons and their other boy ‘Bruce Willy.’ So here we are at TOOKEN 2. … Read More

JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More