FRANK 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Good Head. Music, experimentation, death, disappointment, fear, surrogate family, unfulfillable longing. A musician’s life for me… FRANK, a quirky dramedy centering on an avant-garde rock band and its offbeat leader in particular, is – unlike many movies of its musical ilk – not about seeking success through stardom, but fulfillment through creation. We meet keyboardist Jon (Domhnall Gleeson), trying in … Read More

JOHN WICK

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure. Keanu Reeves hasn’t had to act this little since he was Klaatu. Keanu is retired legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy – the last gift from his dead wife. (I’m not an animal person, but I gotta admit – that is one cutie … Read More

MALEFICENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Malevolent CGI and Magnificent Stupidity. MALEFICENT is the story of Sleeping Beauty. Told from the point of view of the evil fairy. And you know what? She’s not evil. First of all, I think this movie is trying to hurt our corneas. Does the CGI have to cover every single color in the visible light and ultraviolent spectrum so loudly? … Read More

NEIGHBORS 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Flab versus Ab. A young married couple with a newborn are faced with a rowdy college fraternity moving in next door. And all rock hard abs break loose… well, not really, but once Zac Efron takes his shirt off, there’s really nothing left in the universe to look at. The suburban comedy NEIGHBORS finds Mac (chub Seth Rogen), improbably married … Read More

DUMB AND DUMBER TO

Poffy The Cucumber

Unfunny and unfunnier too. First of all, in this illiterate social media environment, I wonder how many people know this is the wrong form of the word “TO.”10%? Yeh, that’s about right. DUMB AND DUMBER TO catches up with our slightly retarded pals from DUMB AND DUMBER, Lloyd (Jim Carrey) and Harry (Jeff Daniels), 20 years later, as they embark … Read More

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES

Poffy The Cucumber

Homer meets Chippendale’s. The movie 300 had rough dungeon sex with GLADIATOR and they had a dim-witted child called THE LEGEND OF HERCULES. Kellan Lutz (TWILIGHT saga) co-stars with his expressionless face as Hercules, the son of Zeus and a mortal woman, who would become a slave. The slave who became a gladiator. The gladiator who defied an empire—wait, uh… … Read More

NON-STOP

Poffy The Cucumber

A particular set of thrills. An air marshal must stop a mysterious texting terrorist carrying out his threats to kill one person every 20 minutes. And sending poo emojis. The airplane thriller NON-STOP is, in fact, non-stop thrills, with Liam Neeson plying his intensity as air marshal Bill Marks (basically a reprise of his role as Bryan Mills, special forces … Read More

WE ARE TWISTED FUCKING SISTER!

Poffy The Cucumber

Fifteen Twisted Minutes. Sure they suck, but they’re gonna sell a lot of records! — Phil Carson, Atlantic Records, Europe. From the outset, I am a card-carrying Sick Motherfucking Friend of Twister Sister. So the rock doc WE ARE TWISTED FUCKING SISTER! holds some resonance for me, and fills in many Scenes Missing in this hard rock band’s long haul … Read More

RIO 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Flocking dork and deceitful bitch road trip. Jesse Eisenberg has two speeds: superdork nebbish and fast-taking schemer. In RIO 2, he’s phoning it in as the former. Eisenberg returns as rare macaw parrot Blu, who is now married to his parrot love interest from RIO, Jewel (voice of Anne Hathaway), so there is a noticeable lack of the romantic frisson … Read More

OUIJA

Poffy The Cucumber

Ouija: the bored game. Five teens try to contact their dead friend through a ouija board. And guess what? They do. OUIJA is needless jumpscares, hot teens and a mindless horror story. Hell, boys, we got ourselves some funding! Olivia Cooke is Laine, whose best friend Debbie (Shelley Hennig) hangs herself one night in a fit of uncharacteristic blondeness. Having … Read More

TRANSCENDENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Blandcendence. Johnny versus JARVIS in a battle to the terabyte. Johnny Depp is artificial intelligence scientist Will Caster, who is on the verge of creating the ultimate A.I. computer, when he is gunned down by an anti-tech extremist. Before Will dies, his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) and their scientist best friend Max (Paul Bettany aka Iron Man’s Computer J.A.R.V.I.S.) transfer … Read More

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

Poffy The Cucumber

A Very, Very Brief History of Hawking. My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. — Stephen Hawking. The brilliant English cosmologist Stephen Hawking appears as a B-character in the movie about his life, while his first wife Jane hijacks the narrative in THE … Read More

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Stop Dragon my Bewilderbeast around. In HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2, Jay Baruchel returns as Hiccup the Viking with his small black dragon. And his pet named Toothless. In this sequel to 2010’s HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, Hiccup faces off with an enemy attacking his village with a horde of dragons, and proves how wrong it is to … Read More

THE SIGNAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Bending new boundaries with classic old tropes. Two young computer hackers discover a third hacker is sending them enigmatic messages. Chasing down the origin of THE SIGNAL will shatter their reality; will shatter even the concept of what reality is. THE SIGNAL is a dynamite sleeper; a spellbinding tale of extra-terrestrial communication in this modern age. There had to eventually … Read More

UNBROKEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Well, maybe just a little Broken… Angelina Jolie directs UNBROKEN, the tale of an average Olympic runner/American soldier, Louis Zamperini (1917-2014), who survives insurmountable odds to make it through World War II alive. Whereupon he resumes his average life. Right outa the gate, Jolie’s direction is marvelous! It’s dynamic and detailed, and she’s doing her mentors proud with this, her … Read More

THE MAZE RUNNER

Poffy The Cucumber

This is how we Pac Man now. Sometimes the simplest ideas make the best movies (SAW, BURIED, MISERY, ALIEN). But sometimes the simplest ideas are just simple ideas. Emphasis on simple. THE MAZE RUNNER strands a teen dream amongst a community of other teen dreams and watches him cause havoc amongst the hierarchy with his plans to escape this perfectly … Read More

UNFRIENDED

Poffy The Cucumber

Ominous Stranger in a Video Chat: A Bug’s Life. UNFRIENDED takes place in a world where surfing is not really surfing, tweeting is not really tweeting, and friends are not really friends – the computer. A dead friend on facebook joins a video chat with six other high school friends, and one by one, makes them kill themselves. Go, Unoriginal … Read More

SON OF GOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Another reboot for the best-looking zombie in history. Someone, somewhere in the world, is seeing their first Jesus movie. Some 8-year-old, indoctrinated in Christian idiocy, is seeing for the first time those fantasy stories brought to life in this 2014 reboot of Christianity’s original superhero. Therefore, though there will be a multitude of followers/believers inspired by this film to Love … Read More

DINOSAUR 13

Poffy The Cucumber

Queen of the Tyrant Lizards. A Tyrannosaur named Sue. A government doing the same thing. When paleontologist Peter Larson unearthed the most complete tyrannosaur skeleton in history in the South Dakota badlands in 1990, little did he know he was also uncovering the worst part of human nature. After the team of Peter, his brother Neal, Terry Wentz and Sue … Read More

IF I STAY

Poffy The Cucumber

I thought I was out. But they pulled me back IN…. Chloe Grace Moretz stares at herself sleeping. I can think of worse ways to spend eternity. After a family car accident that puts her into a coma, 17-year-old Mia (Moretz) wanders the hospital as a ghost, wondering, IF I STAY… what’s in it for me? And that’s this movie … Read More