EDDIE THE EAGLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Flying Low: Average is the new Achievement. While the real Eddie is a fan of the film, he said that “only about 5%” of EDDIE THE EAGLE is a true story. –BBC News EDDIE THE EAGLE is a tribute to the world’s greatest ski jumper… loser. Oh, so we’re making inspirational movies about losers now? What next, the guy who … Read More

EVEREST 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy at the top of the world. Climbing Mount Everest was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d never gone. I suffered for years of PTSD, and still suffer from what happened. I’m glad I wrote a book about it. But, you know, if I could go back and relive my life, I would never … Read More

EUROPA REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Moon Struck. The first manned mission to Europa, Jupiter’s fourth-largest and most famous Galilean moon, seeking the suspected oceans of water beneath its icy crust, seeking organisms that may be emitting the heat signatures that NASA discovered, but mainly seeking to overcome that annoying “found footage” feeling. Fucking found footage. These days, every indie movie with great ideas and no … Read More

EDDIE MURPHY: RAW

Poffy The Cucumber

Bigger, brainier, braver than DELIRIOUS–and ten minutes too long. “HALF!” I learned all I need to know about California divorce courts from Eddie Murphy. In his second standup special, RAW, Murphy has matured slightly, taking on meatier issues than the fluff he posited in his 1983 standup film DELIRIOUS. “Half!” is one of his most enduring bits, as he outlines … Read More

EDDIE MURPHY: DELIRIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cosby with Swearing: Profanity Inanity. DELIRIOUS is anything but. Unless it’s saying you have to be delirious to think it’s comedy of the highest order. Eddie Murphy’s first standup special is very funny, yes, and it provided a wealth of quotes for me and my cucumber buddies when it first hit the screen in 1983. But in retrospect, it’s just … Read More

THE EXPENDABLES 3

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dependable Cliché-ables. Sylvester Stallone buys a book from amazon.com called 1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie). Then he writes THE EXPENDABLES 3. DEPENDABLE CLICHÉ: Break an old team member out of jail. Barney Ross (Stallone), leader of the ragtag mercenary guerilla group The Expendables (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Terry … Read More

EX MACHINA

Poffy The Cucumber

True Intelligence is only an artificial heartbeat away. Somewhere between conscious and unconscious, somewhere between nature and nurture, somewhere between tits and ass, lies… EX MACHINA. Young computer programmer Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson,UNBROKEN) wins a contest to spend a week with reclusive company boss Nathan (Oscar Isaac, INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS) the inventor of the world’s largest search engine, Bluebook. Flown out to … Read More

EARTH TO ECHO

Poffy The Cucumber

What you can do with a stolen script and one shaky camera. Someone decided to blatantly rip off E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL and SUPER 8 – two excellent movies – and mash them together with a wobble-cam. Presto! The annoying shaky-cam experiment called EARTH TO ECHO: extraterrestrial alien trapped on Earth; hooks up with kids who help it avoid gubmint spooks … Read More

EDGE OF TOMORROW

Poffy The Cucumber

Blunt. Cruise. Repeat. Dying in battle is the new way to meet chicks! Right off the bat, EDGE OF TOMORROW involves time-travel, so if you’re one of those chrono-geeks who’s gonna sit there with your slide-rule and try to finger the anomalies, best you leave right now… The Future. Extra-terrestrial aliens have attacked, and Earth armies on the defensive blah … Read More

ELYSIUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Paradise by the Gashed Gored Light. Elysium (Elysian Fields), Greek mythology: 1) Paradise reserved for heroes to whom the gods had granted immortality. Separate from the realm of Hades, admission was initially reserved for mortals related to the gods. Later, it expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous and heroic. 2) a state or place of perfect … Read More

THE EXPENDABLES 2

Poffy The Cucumber

This time it’s Poisonal! THE EXPENDABLES 2 finds the sinister Church (Bruce Willis) sending his obviously irreplaceable team The Expendables (led by Sylvester Stallone) on a mission into some war-torn country with rebels or something, to get something-something from a crashed plane for the purpose of something-something. It doesn’t matter. The Expendables complete this mission within ten minutes. Now they … Read More

EYES OF THE MOTHMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Sleepy sleepy creepy creepy. Wake me when the Wamsley’s over. Jeff Wamsley – Mothman aficionado and Night Ranger enthusiast. Is it possible to make a more pointless and boring documentary about something which is pretty eerie even to skeptics? In EYES OF THE MOTHMAN, writer-director Matthew J. Pellowski delves into the legends behind the infamous, mysterious Mothman – an undefined … Read More

THE EXPERIMENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Inhuman Nature IS Human Nature. We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. — Kurt Vonnegut, “Mother Night.” Based on the infamous 1972 Stanford Prison Experiment, THE EXPERIMENT brings a group of men together in a mock prison, randomly choosing some to be guards and some to be prisoners. The … Read More

EYES WIDE SHUT

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants Wide Open. Stanley Kubrick directs EYES WIDE SHUT with his pants wide open. Elegant somberness, lurid themes, disturbing visuals, foreboding music, screaming colors. And tits. Tits tits tits. Not banana teats, cow udders or raisins either, but perfectly-rounded, gently-sloped baseballs to cantaloupes. On women ivory-legged, flat-bellied, pear-buttocked, butter-smooth, hungry-lipped, not one a notch below 9. Call it art. Call … Read More

EASY A

Poffy The Cucumber

THE SCARLET LETTER for Generation Nerd. How quaint: Emma Stone pastes a letter ‘A’ onto her A-cups. Drawing heavily on Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, EASY A brings the 17th century pariah adulteress into modern times, setting the story in an American high school, where outcast Olive (Stone) does a favor for a gay nerd at her school by pretending … Read More

EDGE OF DARKNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Edge of Dorkness. What a stupid name for a movie! Did they think Steven Seagal was the lead? Notwithstanding yawnful “sinister” attempt at kickstarting Mouthy Mel’s comeback tour, EDGE OF DARKNESS might have been a powerful film, raising questions about unethical corporations and their impunity when backed by government, had it not copped out with a simplistic denouement, using bullets … Read More

THE EXPENDABLES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Man Show. Ladies, don’t go near this movie if you don’t want to get pregnant. Sylvester Stallone and his man-team infiltrate a junta compound to rescue a chick. Explosions. Gunfire. Wrestling matches. Man-banter. Big explosions. Then some bigger explosions. Then an explosion so big it will rattle the testosterone right out of your ballsac and into the nearest female’s … Read More

E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Phoning Scrotums. E.T. can levitate. How then does he get left behind on Earth in the first place? D’oh! Used to be the greatest movie ever. When we were ten. From a story by Melissa Matheson, immortalized by director Steven Spielberg (back when he considered aliens benign and wonderful), E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL follows an extra-terrestrial alien named … Read More

EXTRACT

Poffy The Cucumber

Factory Space. Mike Judge (OFFICE SPACE, 1999) writes and directs this amusing little tale of Joel (Jason Bateman), owner of an extract factory, who is so dissatisfied with his non-existent wife-sex, he conspires to force her into an affair so that he himself can have a guilt-free affair with one of his hot new interns. To his chagrin, his plan … Read More

EAGLE EYE

Poffy The Cucumber

Computer Bluesie, Computer Floosie. The movie Shia LeBeouf makes when he’s in between blockbusters. Still as dumb. EAGLE EYE. Kinda juvenile title, no? After watching the movie, it fits. Shia is Jerry, a shiftless copy boy (sorry, “copy associate”), who one day discovers boxes of CIA-type weaponry delivered to his shoddy apartment (that he is behind the rent on, of … Read More