GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla. In GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA, Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player. The real star is King Caesar. When a mechanical-Godzilla starts destroying Japan, Godzilla gives it the ole college try to stop it, but is routed by Mechagodzilla’s lasers and sensual finger missiles. Enter the mythical … Read More

GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Tyrannozilla Godzasaurus. 2204 A.D. A two-man sub circles an undersea grave of a gigantic three-headed dragon named King Ghidorah. Computers reveal three necks but only two heads, the woman in the sub telling the man, “It originally had three, when it fought Godzilla in the 20th century.” CUT TO: 1992 A.D. Intriguing. But GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH gets stupid very … Read More

GERALD’S GAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Freedom is just a handcuff away. Vacation. Tote bag. Two pairs of chrome steel handcuffs. Long-married couple Gerald (Bruce Greenwood) and Jessie Burlingame (Carla Gugino) are trying to revive their marriage with a new game. After Jessie is handcuffed to the bedposts, she loses her taste for the game and says No. Uncuff me. Gerald coyly says no. Then he … Read More

GERTIE THE DINOSAUR

Poffy The Cucumber

Prehistoric Precursor. The first Cartoon, Movie Maniacs! GERTIE THE DINOSAUR is an animated, silent, black-and-white short film, written, produced, directed and animated by cartoonist Winsor McCay, and for its innovation, ingenuity and primacy, we forgive it for its many shortcomings. The story is brutally banal: A man makes a bet that he can animate a dinosaur, shows off the results … Read More

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Badness and Sadness on the Superhero Superhighway. It’s like that rock star yell: “Are you having a good time?” And despite the mistakes, the bad harmonies, the hot sweat, the elbows in your groin, you scream back, “YEAH!” Because the energy of the performance and the sincerity of your heroes make the journey worthwhile. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL.2 captures … Read More

GET OUT

Poffy The Cucumber

… because a black mind is a terrible thing to waste. You know what they say: You’ll always remember your first time – with a black man. In a startling writer-director debut, Jordan Peele’s arm-gripping thriller GET OUT is a renaissance for the horror genre. But it won’t do shit for race relations. Chris is about to meet his girlfriend … Read More

GODS OF EGYPT

Poffy The Cucumber

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Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects? Plot Flaw Alert Which No One Seems To Notice: In the visual gluttony called GODS OF EGYPT, evil god Set defeats virtuous god Horus by plucking out the source of Horus’s power – his eyes. Now Horus must go on a quest to retrieve his eyes, so that he can regain … Read More

GHOSTBUSTERS II

Poffy The Cucumber

Why am I covered in poo? A river of slime threatens New York and brings the Ghostbusters out of retirement. Any excuse to touch tips again… GHOSTBUSTERS II finds original Ghostbusters Ray Stanz (Dan Aykroyd), Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) and Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) reluctantly re-donning the taupe onesies and re-shouldering those unnecessarily heavy ecto-gun backpacks to save New York … Read More

GHOSTBUSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Starts off Solid, Ends up Ectoplasm…. GHOSTBUSTERS has a lot going for it – an original story (by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, about three paranormal investigators in New York opening a business as ghost exterminators), lovable characters, great comedic performances (notably from Bill Murray), and two excellent opening acts that are alternately humorous, intriguing, chilling and action-packed. Unfortunately, in … Read More

THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

A Bridge Too Roar. In 1898 Kenya, the construction site of a railway bridge over the Tsavo River is terrorized by two man-eating lions so vicious and elusive they become known as THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS. Lt. Col. John Paterson (Val Kilmer, high off TOMBSTONE and BATMAN FOREVER) is sent to the stricken Uganda-Mombasa Railway work site (by financier … Read More

GRUDGE MATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Raging Rocky. It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community. It’s old versus older in a rampage to the replaced hip… Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro square off as old – and I do mean old – boxing rivals who ended their careers unbeaten, except by each other – once each! Now, thirty years later, … Read More

GROWN UPS 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Would you like a little movie to go with your pee jokes? Rob Schneider isn’t here. Nonetheless, GROWN UPS 2 is still worse than its predecessor. It starts with a pee joke, then a tit joke, then a shit joke, then another pee joke, then a combination burp-sneeze-fart trifecta douchefecta. You couldn’t make a movie this bad if you were … Read More

GET HARD

Poffy The Cucumber

Hardly getting hard. A white milksop businessman (Will Ferrell), sentenced to jail for a crime he didn’t commit, enlists the aid of a black car washer (Kevin Hart) whom he thinks has done jail time, to help him survive incarceration. Formulaic fish-out-of-water story with obvious plot and results, GET HARD is yet another vehicle for Kevin Hart to shine in, … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

Poffy The Cucumber

Mechasaurian Dinogodz and their place in history. Godzilla takes on another Mechagodzilla, while a Baby Godzilla hatches from a Rodan egg. Rodan transfers his energy to Godzilla via a dry hump, and filmmakers try to squeeze it past us that these creatures are all related to dinosaurs. Yes, GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II, the 20th Godzilla film and 5th serious Heisei … Read More

GODZILLA 1985

Poffy The Cucumber

Zilla versus Tokyo in a battle to the Burr. GODZILLA 1985 (released Aug 1985) is the American edit of the Japanese film THE RETURN OF GODZILLA (released in December 1984). First title card: Starring Raymond Burr. (Sigh… God, I hate American re-edits!) GODZILLA 1985 actually stars Ken Tanaka in the lead role, as the action man who bests Godzilla and … Read More

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

Poffy The Cucumber

Whole Lotta Rosie. Godzilla versus a giant mutating rose! And all gardening breaks loose!… GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE opens directly after events of the last film (THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984, the first of the Heisei series), with Godzilla falling into a volcano and getting trapped. As with all the Heisei series, emphasis is on the pitfalls of genetics rather than … Read More

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Crush-o, Kill-o, Dest-o-royah! Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown! GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH is the last of the Heisei series (that started with THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984), and finds Godzilla battling a monster spawned from the weapon that killed the original Godzilla in 1954 – the Oxygen Destroyer! [dun dun daaah!] Subtitled “The Death Of Godzilla” (which should give you some … Read More

GAMERA THE BRAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade. A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla. Uh-oh. The Giant Monster Council has been disbanded! Not the Giant Monster Council! So much downtime between rubber suit attacks, all those politicians just sat around watching Godzilla movies. GAMERA THE BRAVE is the 12th Gamera movie, and to date, the 1st and only … Read More

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Shell Shocked Ex-shell-ence! Daikaiju Maniacs, if you seek a Japanese creature movie better than the recent 2014 GODZILLA Hollywood puffball, I recommend whole-cukedly the 1990’s GAMERA trilogy, GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE (1995), ATTACK OF THE LEGION (1996) and THE REVENGE OF IRIS (1999), all written by Kazunori Itô and directed by Shûsuke Kaneko. Created during a period of Godzilla downtime … Read More

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

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Shelling to a new generation. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES have been around as a merchandising product forever! In a long list of TMNT comicbooks, cartoons and movies, this 2014 reboot is the latest iteration and definitely the turtliest. Four ninja mutant turtle teenagers (“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous!”) must stop a bladed samurai criminal intent … Read More