PARDNERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Partners, Buddies, Pals… at least, onscreen. Jerry and Dean in the Wild West! PARDNERS, the penultimate musical comedy from Martin and Lewis opens with Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis as two aged cowboys named Slim Mosely and Wade Kingsley, in a shootout to retain their property against the marauding Dan Hollis gang, who want to take it by force. Their … Read More

PAIN AND GAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Get Rich or Die Lifting. Colors straining against the filmstock like a 2-sizes-too-small t-shirt straining against pectorals, muscles thrumming like rippling duck butter, and planning as meticulous as a grade-schooler trying to get to second base, the whey-protein dramedy PAIN AND GAIN is a flamboyant recounting of a true crime story involving three Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a wealthy restaurant … Read More

THE PURGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Knife-kill disguised as social commentary. Blessed be the New Founding Fathers for letting us Purge and cleanse our souls. Blessed be America, a nation reborn. — opening titles, THE PURGE. It is 2022 in America. The country is doing well, if the opening titles are any indication: unemployment at 1%, crime at an all-time low. And there is one night … Read More

THE PROPHECY: FORSAKEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Hells to the No. Again with the boasting: “I could whisper a suggestion and have you step in front of a subway train, I could force a neighbor to hurl you down a flight of stairs. I can put a baby in your belly that would rip its way out of your womb in three days–” Okay, I wanna see … Read More

THE PROPHECY: UPRISING

Poffy The Cucumber

My gorge is up rising. There’s this “anti-bible,” see? And the Big Man Himself is narrating it even at this moment, burning the ancient Aramaic into the pages. He’s putting the finishing touches on The Book of Revelations because it went to the printer too early the first time, apparently. And – like all three previous PROPHECY movies – it’s … Read More

THE PROPHECY 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit. Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet, wearing his pants a little too high. Oh, and he’s the Angel Gabriel, mystically powerful villain of two previous films. He’s the guy who could “turn cities to salt” … Read More

THE PROPHECY II

Poffy The Cucumber

The Angelic Boast. Angel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is thrown out of hell by Lucifer, and proceeds to cause hell on Earth by starring in THE PROPHECY II. Dying at the end of the previous film (THE PROPHECY) meant nothing to Gabriel, as dying at the end of this movie will mean nothing as well. Why then, expend all this effort … Read More

THE PROPHECY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angels In The Outhouse. Angel Gabriel comes to Earth to extract a soul and destroy heaven. Like the catholic religion, THE PROPHECY is confused as hell. A spine-shivering opening sequence: camera pans down on a lone figure standing over a charred skeleton – of what appears to be a human with wings, bird-like appendages scorched into the ochre stone ground. … Read More

PARKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Easy revenge, hard injuries. He’s Jason Statham. He beats people up. As usual. But in PARKER, what isn’t so usual is that Statham, in the title role, actually gets hurt while beating people up. Like “real life” hurt. Hurt bad. That’s the best element in this stock actioner where Mr. Statham (THE MECHANIC 2011) and director Taylor Hackford (RAY) take … Read More

POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES

Poffy The Cucumber

The times they are a-changing, with the crimes they are a-staging. Everyone’s worried about stopping terrorism. There’s a really easy way: stop participating in it. — Noam Chomsky. Not so much a documentary as a dialogue, POWER AND TERROR: NOAM CHOMSKY IN OUR TIMES is a companion piece to Chomsky’s 2002 book titled 9-11, which offers an alternate/political-insider view to … Read More

PLANET OF THE APES

Poffy The Cucumber

A Planet where apes evolved from overactors. POFFY VIDEO REVIEW available only.   END PLANET OF THE APES (Apr 1968) aka: MONKEY PLANET. Director: Franklin J. Schaffner. Writers: Pierre Boulle, Rod Serling, Michael Wilson. Music: Jerry Goldsmith. Starring: Charlton Henston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, James Whitmore, James Daly, Linda Harrison, Robert Gunner, Lou Wagner, Woodrow Parfrey, Jeff Burton, … Read More

POSEIDON

Poffy The Cucumber

The Boat, The Wave, The Snake. One scene in POSEIDON will live with you long after you’ve dried off and found your land legs: Kurt Russell actually drowning. Literally. In a move that is half-Method/half-Madness, Russell lets his lungs purposely fill with water to achieve what looks like someone actually drowning. And actually drowns! It was arranged that lifeguards retrieve … Read More

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Upside Down On Fire! Produced by Irwin Allen – the godfather of disaster movies – imagine how his ears must have pricked up when he heard the pitch for THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE: “Ocean liner capsizes from a tidal wave and floats upside down as a few passengers struggle their way to the bottom of the ship in the hope of … Read More

PRIMAL 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Fear and Loathing and Shark-Teeth. It’s like bad-delicious candy. You know it’s not healthy, it’s not educational, and it will probably destroy a few brain cells. But you eat it anyway. It’s PRIMAL. This bad-delicious Aussie candy is mindless, gory, indie – and effective. Six college-age kids visit an Aboriginal rock-painting deep in the Australian bush; cut off from civilization, … Read More

THE POSTMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Postal for ‘Pocalypse. Not another apocalypse! This time, Kevin Costner’s to blame. Hey, wasn’t he responsible for the apocalypse in WATERWORLD as well?… I hate the word ‘apocalypse’ – not the word itself, which is very… uh, apocalyptic.. but its misunderstanding and its consequent misuse. It means, literally, a “lifting of the veil” or “revelation” but because ‘Apocalypse’ was … Read More

PROMETHEUS

Poffy The Cucumber

PROMETHEUS Unbound. Shattering sound design, knife-edge visuals, a cerebral maelstrom of startling concepts that will trail you home like vagabond dogs… PROMETHEUS, like the Greek god it is named for, descends on your shoulders with the fire of knowledge and, like the deity’s act of perdition, will leave you curs-ed that your wish was ever granted. Ridley Scott‘s PROMETHEUS, like … Read More

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Poffy The Cucumber

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum Diary. Here we are now! Entertain us! — Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit. So I’m sitting there wondering how another PIRATES movie could have the audacity to rear its skull and crossbones, let alone Johnny Depp reprising his transvestite role yet again with any shred of interest from either him or the … Read More

THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK

Poffy The Cucumber

Just say (Paci)No. Before THE GODFATHER, there was an actor called Al Pacino. Francis Ford Coppolla would fight to have Pacino cast as Michael Corleone on the strength of his only starring feature film performance at the time – as the junkie in THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK. The rest, as they say, is omerta. Before he ruled the world … Read More

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Are We Scare Yet? They should remove the word “Activity” from this movie’s title. Note to filmmakers: after nothing happens on camera for two minutes, no need to keep the camera running for another two minutes, guys. The problem with PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 is that it’s already been done – far better – by its own predecessor. It was innovative … Read More

PAUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Kind Encounters of the Close Third. It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind! Hey, isn’t that Roger from AMERICAN DAD? Or do all aliens just look alike to me?… Two Brits on a pilgrimage to famed UFO sites in Nevada pick up a real extraterrestrial … Read More