WHITE HOUSE DOWN

Poffy The Cucumber

DIE HARDER in the White House with a Vengeance. WHITE HOUSE DOWN (released June 2013) was sold as the “comedic” version of OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (March 2013). Is that why we’re laughing AT it? Not that we can even differentiate them; both are the same level of serious, and the same height of stupidity. With the exact same outcome – … Read More

WE ARE TWISTED FUCKING SISTER!

Poffy The Cucumber

Fifteen Twisted Minutes. Sure they suck, but they’re gonna sell a lot of records! — Phil Carson, Atlantic Records, Europe. From the outset, I am a card-carrying Sick Motherfucking Friend of Twister Sister. So the rock doc WE ARE TWISTED FUCKING SISTER! holds some resonance for me, and fills in many Scenes Missing in this hard rock band’s long haul … Read More

THE WITCH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cult Of Virginality. Finchyyyyy! Ralph Ineson (David Brent’s slimy “friend” Finchy from THE OFFICE) plays the father William in this Olde World old school black magick tale of terror. In 1630 New England, William (Ineson) is banished from his Puritan community with his wife Katherine (Kate Dickie) and their five kids, for being too devout. With William claiming the … Read More

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

Illegal Money Never Sleeps. Leonardo DiCaprio overacts his way into the heart of Wall Street, into the pants of hookers and into federal jail. He’s playing a real life character, stockbroker Jordan Belfort, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET, whom I hope is at this moment dying a slow, horrible death from cancer of the knob… The problem with millionaires like … Read More

WHITEY: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA V. JAMES J. BULGER

Poffy The Cucumber

Criminal cops and collusion as black as Whitey. …all involved in this circle of shit in South Boston… — Steve Davis, brother of Victim Debra Davis. Documentary about the most notorious organized crime gang in South Boston in the mid-1970s – the FBI. Oh, and James “Whitey” Bulger’s peripheral involvement with them. WHITEY: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA V. JAMES J. … Read More

WORLD WAR Z

Poffy The Cucumber

World War ZGI. The first interesting zombie movie ever made in the history of cinema! I hate zombie movies. Tedious, repetitive, unimaginative. Shuffle, grab, shoot, run, shuffle, grab, shoot, run, block doorway with hands grabbing through gap. Repeat. Okay okay, I get it! Discounting well-made black comedies (SHAUN OF THE DEAD, WARM BODIES, ZOMBIELAND), zombie movies that take themselves seriously … Read More

THE WOLVERINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sticks and stones might break his bones… THE WOLVERINE, like its eponymous hero, is epic, dark and muscular. Sixth time’s the charm, as Hugh Jackman reprises his Wolverine/Logan character yet again for Marvel Studios, and this time – they get it right! (Or as right as a movie version can get without going full frontal fanboy to pander to every … Read More

WORLD WITHOUT END

Poffy The Cucumber

World Without Clue. A rocketship carrying four men on a recon mission to Mars malfunctions on its return journey, entering a time-warp and landing on Earth 500 years in the future. WORLD WITHOUT END is one of those classic 1950s space movies that has no clue that it doesn’t have a clue: a rocket shaped like a missile, four explorers … Read More

WIMBLEDON

Poffy The Cucumber

Serve, Return, Rally, Lob, Smash – Love. Rigorous love-game and stalking game-play – or is it the other way ’round? – make WIMBLEDON an enjoyable afternoon on the green. Peter Colt (British Nice Guy Paul Bettany) was once ranked 11th in the tennis world; now in his thirties, he finds himself 119th and dispiritedly shopping for jobs as a tennis … Read More

WRATH OF THE TITANS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ungodly. The legend of Perseus continues in WRATH OF THE TITANS, with the kidnapping of Zeus, the treachery of Ares, the disintegration of Poseidon, and the slaying of the Titan Kronos, just like it says in all the Greek myths…. actually, not in any Greek myths; matter of fact, I’m wondering whether the filmmakers have read even one Greek myth … Read More

THE WATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Don’t WATCH. THE WATCH  is supposedly a comedy. But it’s funny how no one’s laughing. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the dynamic duo that brought us SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS), this tale of four suburbanites who start a Neighborhood Watch group to catch a murderer, and discover they must defend the world against an extra-terrestrial invasion, seems to … Read More

WELCOME TO THE RILEYS

Poffy The Cucumber

When damaged souls collide. A married businessman spends his money on a prostitute. (And right now you’re thinking: ‘So what’s new?’) WELCOME TO THE RILEYS follows married Indianapolis businessman Douglas Riley (James Gandolfini) to New Orleans for a conference. While out on the town that night, he befriends 20-year-old stripper, Allison (Kristen Stewart) – no, not in that way. He … Read More

WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

Poffy The Cucumber

Freakonomics and Con-sumerism. “The mother of all evil is speculation…” So says Gordon Gekko in WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS. 23 years after WALL STREET (1987), Gekko’s back! Oliver Stone‘s sequel to that pimping film is just as confusing and hedonistic, with its insider knowledge and corporate thuggery, but set very much in the present of the 2008 economic meltdown. … Read More

WAG THE DOG

Poffy The Cucumber

Conflation Nation. “Of course there’s a war – I saw it on TV.” –Robert De Niro, WAG THE DOG. War is only real if you let them get away with it. As George Carlin used to say, “Why do the troops keep turning up?” But even if the troops didn’t turn up for active duty, WAG THE DOG is an … Read More

THE WIZ

Poffy The Cucumber

If you’re thinkin’ of being my remake, it don’t matter if you’re black or white. Took brass balls to remake the legendary WIZARD OF OZ – or maybe just black balls. The pinky-white euphemism “urban” doesn’t disguise THE WIZ for what it is – a black version of THE WIZARD OF OZ. It’s what the original WIZARD OF OZ desperately … Read More

WALL STREET

Poffy The Cucumber

Up against The Wall. Veteran stockbroker Gordon Gekko wakes upstart stockbroker Bud Fox in the middle of the night with a phone call, to remind him the Hong Kong markets are open: “Money never sleeps, pal!” WALL STREET is a powerful albeit slightly cheesy look at the inside of insider trading. Co-writer/ director Oliver Stone, with his characteristic insider knowledge … Read More

THE WIZARD OF OZ

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wizarding World of Non-Oz-Sense. It’s Judy Garland’s first ever head trip! A victim of prescribed, mind-altering drugs later in her career, maybe she was just trying to recreate her glory days in THE WIZARD OF OZ? It was 1939 and the Hollywood studio system was churning out so many “musicals” that singing irrelevantly amidst the storyline had become not … Read More

THE WOLFMAN 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Loopy Lupine. THE WOLFMAN starts as a remake of the classic 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. film THE WOLF MAN, and ends somewhere between BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA and AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. That ain’t so bad, but not what it was aiming for. Director Joe Johnston (JURASSIC PARK III, HIDALGO) pays homage to the horror pioneers by including all the … Read More

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead on Arrival. Does it irk Gene Simmons that two of his first “serious” motion pictures (RUNAWAY and WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE) are names of Bon Jovi songs? Simmons has a small key role in the Gary Sherman-directed “actioner” WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE. He plays the Arab villain, Malak Al Rahim, intent on causing terrorist chaos in Los Angeles seemingly … Read More

WILL FERRELL: YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA – A FINAL NIGHT WITH GEORGE W BUSH

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission Unaccomplished. He’s mad, bad and dangerous to know, and the 43rd president of the United States is made to look even stupider than usual in Will Ferrell’s one man show, YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA – A FINAL NIGHT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH. Will Ferrell has played W. since his days on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (a high point being adding the … Read More