HORNS

Poffy The Cucumber

Harry Potter and the Horns of Dilemma. Soon after the mysterious death of his girlfriend, Ig Perrish wakes to find two horns growing out of his forehead. Soon, people are revealing their innermost secrets to him, and Ig figures it must be due to the horns, which no one gives any undue notice. He realizes he can use this bizarre … Read More

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

JurassicWorldFK_pic2

Fallen Franchise. Why do we watch “dinosaur movies”? Well, for the DINOSAURS, of course! In that respect, JURASSIC PARK: FALLEN KINGDOM is at the top of the heap, with the best dinosaurs that 2018 CGI technology can render, hands down. With every roar, every stomp, every quivering of their neck wattles, we don’t doubt these prehistoric animals are more real … Read More

THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Dysfunction. THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE is a 2004 remake of the 1965 series LOST IN SPACE, and remains as one unaired pilot episode. Following the unsuccessful filmic remake of LOST IN SPACE in 1998 (starring William Hurt and Gary Oldman), which was criticized (incorrectly) as being too dark, this television production goes in another direction and soaps … Read More

LOST IN SPACE 1998

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Act Three. LOST IN SPACE blasts off as a well-produced science fiction adventure, then gets lost loster than its lostest characters. Brought to the big screen from the 1965 TV series, LOST IN SPACE captures much of the dynamics between all the characters originally created by Irwin Allen; it updates the tech, the spaceship, the production value; it … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 2-26: TRIP THROUGH THE ROBOT

Poffy The Cucumber

Robot-zilla! Will Robinson and Dr. Smith go into the body of the Robot, grown gigantic, to re-program him down to normal size, and get trapped as the Robot starts to shrink – in the most terrifying LOST IN SPACE episode ever. At least, for ten-year-old boys. By Season 2 (September 1966), LOST IN SPACE was churning out some pretty surreal … Read More

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

LOST IN SPACE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

LostInSpace2018-S1E1_pic3

Handsome, Pretty Handsome. One of the formative TV shows of our youth, LOST IN SPACE, is rebooted as an enjoyable Netflix series, capturing all the dynamics of the original show, and leaving out the camp and the bubble-headed booby. In the year 2046, the space-faring Family Robinson leaves a dying Earth, onboard a mothership of colonists, headed for the star … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-00: NO PLACE TO HIDE

Poffy The Cucumber

LOST tries to find its way… It’s LOST IN SPACE without Dr. Smith and the Robot, therefore 20% less fruity fun! “No Place To Hide” is the unaired pilot (Episode 00) of the 1965 TV series LOST IN SPACE, where the Robinson family, on their pioneering quest to Alpha Centauri, is thrown off course and into deep space adventures. The … Read More

LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-01: THE RELUCTANT STOWAWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost in Nostalgia. The Space Family Robinson, on a pioneering flight to Alpha Centauri, is swerved off course by an evil gay doctor and a bubble-headed booby. This first LOST IN SPACE episode (“The Reluctant Stowaway”) is a grim science fiction adventure tale, set in the bleak “future” of 1997, where a silver-suited Professor John Robinson leads his silver-suited family … Read More

SHIN GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Renaissance Zilla. Written like a bullet train, directed like a fighter pilot, SHIN GODZILLA is the most compelling Godzilla film since the original 1954 Ishiro Honda production, GOJIRA! Considering there have been 32 Godzilla films since that first dambuster (34 if you count the American remakes GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS and GODZILLA 1985), I realize what a killa zilla … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla. In GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA, Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player. The real star is King Caesar. When a mechanical-Godzilla starts destroying Japan, Godzilla gives it the ole college try to stop it, but is routed by Mechagodzilla’s lasers and sensual finger missiles. Enter the mythical … Read More

DESTROY ALL MONSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Destroy All Credibility! DESTROY ALL MONSTERS was planned as the last Godzilla film from Toho Company, which is why, we presume, legendary GOJIRA director Ishiro Honda, Just Doesn’t Give A Fuck anymore. After aliens called Kilaaks gain control of the monsters on Monster Island (translated as “Monster Land” in the English dub), forcing them to destroy Earth cities, Japanese scientists … Read More

GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Tyrannozilla Godzasaurus. 2204 A.D. A two-man sub circles an undersea grave of a gigantic three-headed dragon named King Ghidorah. Computers reveal three necks but only two heads, the woman in the sub telling the man, “It originally had three, when it fought Godzilla in the 20th century.” CUT TO: 1992 A.D. Intriguing. But GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH gets stupid very … Read More

THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

ShapeOfWater_pic3

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

AT THE EARTH’S CORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Rotten to the Core. Much like the 1975 film THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT, Doug McClure once again discovers a prehistoric land AT THE EARTH’S CORE. And he must once again battle unevolved natives and outlandish beasts to survive. However this time, the beasts are not dinosaurs, but actual monsters, ruled over by giant telepathic bird-things (or maybe just guys … Read More

YONGARY: MONSTER FROM THE DEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla – South Korea edition. After an unnecessary prelude with a married couple, a rocket orbit for no reason (the filmmakers displaying their complete ineptitude on space program dialect), and an earthquake caused by a dropped nuke, all of which have no connection to one another, but somehow share the same movie-space – out pops YONGARY! Looks like someone was … Read More

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

Poffy The Cucumber

Doug versus dinos, in a battle to the rubber suit! During World War I, German and British sailors onboard a U-boat encounter a prehistoric land where every dinosaur is trying to kill them – even the herbivores. THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT works reasonably as a war actioner in its first act, then forgets its war story to focus on … Read More

CRY WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More

REPTILICUS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Euro Puppet Holocaust. Godzilla – Denmark repreZENT! REPTILICUS, Denmark’s one and only daikaiju movie, is the Danish answer to Japan’s GODZILLA (1954). But whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet. There were only two Godzilla movies released at the time of REPTILICUS (1961) – the first was Ishiro Honda’s … Read More

THE LOST WORLD 1925

Poffy The Cucumber

In the beginning, God said, Let there be Willis… Eight years before Willis O’Brien brought KING KONG (1933) to life with his brilliant stop-motion animation, he used that innovative technique on his very first feature, THE LOST WORLD (1925), a silent movie based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s book (released 1912), in which scientists discover prehistoric animals on an Amazonian … Read More