STARCRASH

Poffy The Cucumber

Star what now?– A smoking hot chick in a bikini, a robot named Larry the Cable Guy and a guy with a perm to die for, go in search of Princess David Hasselhoff, who is the son of Christopher Plummer, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Stop laughing. It’s STARCRASH, a film which outright plagiarizes STAR WARS … Read More

12 MONKEYS

Poffy The Cucumber

BACK TO THE FUTURE by way of BRAZIL. Like BACK TO THE FUTURE II with Biff in charge forever. Another Terry Gilliam dystopian vision, 12 MONKEYS (inspired by French short film LA JETÉE and modeled after Gilliam’s own inimitable BRAZIL), is a claustrophobic, strangling, time-paradox action stunner; like all Gilliam’s films, it’s also completely off the rails. A subterranean Orwellian … Read More

DRACULA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloody Hell! There is one very provocative idea in DRACULA 2000 – all the rest is crap. The crap goes like this: In 2000, Dracula comes to New Orleans seeking the daughter of Van Helsing. Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot. The provocative idea is that Dracula is not a warrior impaler … Read More

THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Distractionarium of Heath Ledger. Color-screaming and wonder-dreaming, Terry Gilliam’s adventure fantasy THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS might have been one of his better characteristically surreal dark comedies had his star Heath Ledger not been claimed by that darkest of comedies – death. We watch this MUNCHAUSEN-like parable unfold with the constant distraction in the back of our heads that … Read More

UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Two Thumbs UP. The madmen at Pixar once again prove themselves the best storytellers on the planet. Or off it. UP is a unique animated adventure that follows crusty retiree Carl (voiced by Ed Asner) on his adventures in trying to float his house with thousands of balloons to his dream locale. Another humbling display of Pixar’s incredible grasp of … Read More

9

Poffy The Cucumber

Sock It To Me. Sock puppet apocalypse! First, allow me to register a complaint: Tim Burton’s name is bandied about this production like it was his to bandy. Even the intriguing trailers stank of advertising Burton. Tim Burton is one of the producers and his name is for marquee strength only. “9” is solely the vision of animator-writer-director genius Shane … Read More

STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Deeper Than Deep Space. Even as STAR TREK finds its warp stride with STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY, the franchise runs out of dilythium crystal. Alas, TREK VI would be the last TREK movie to feature the complete Original Cast; before the death of DeForest Kelley (1996), the death of James Doohan (2005), and the outing of George Takei … Read More

NATIONAL TREASURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Precious Little. NATIONAL TREASURE is an old-fashioned treasure hunt, amped with modern technological idiocy, salted with a snide dig at the political laziness of the American people coupled with a sly j’accuse at their insuperably asinine government. Treasure hunter Benjamin Franklin Gates (a characteristically mourning-faced Nicolas Cage, as the descendant of the descendant twice-removed of whatever) must steal the original Declaration … Read More

INSIDE MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Heistman Cometh. INSIDE MAN opens with Clive Owen, as Dalton Russell, in hard close-up, warning us to listen to every word he says, because he’ll only say it once. (As George McFly might say, I don’t think I can handle that kind of pressure.) Dalton goes on to boast of his Perfect Heist; we know he speaks truth because … Read More

SYRIANA

Poffy The Cucumber

Oil Is Not Well. If “oily Arab” was once an insult referring to a Middle Easterner’s complexion, nowadays it should truly be considered the highest compliment, pertaining to certain Arabs (via birthright and political wolfing), controlling the fortunes of the planet Earth via oil. If there is an overarching message to this movie’s madness, it is that everyone else on … Read More