PAIN AND GAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Get Rich or Die Lifting. Colors straining against the filmstock like a 2-sizes-too-small t-shirt straining against pectorals, muscles thrumming like rippling duck butter, and planning as meticulous as a grade-schooler trying to get to second base, the whey-protein dramedy PAIN AND GAIN is a flamboyant recounting of a true crime story involving three Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a wealthy restaurant … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS 7

Poffy The Cucumber

The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More

FAST FIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

America’s Fastest Crime Family. Detective Hobbs advises his team of cops on capturing Dom Toretto and his gang: “Above all else, we don’t ever, ever let them get into cars.” Is anyone hearing how this sounds? Uh, sir, are the cars magic? “No.” Well, uh, why can’t we just shoot them with rocket launchers if they get into cars? “Just … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS 6

Poffy The Cucumber

The Faster the Stupider. Even if the car-porn franchise FAST AND FURIOUS is not your cup of transmission oil, you’ve gotta admit, the movies are some of the best exponents of their gearhead genre. FAST & FURIOUS 6 reunites Dom Toretto’s gang of gearheads against a Euro mercenary intent on stealing some military McGuffin that would make it easier for … Read More

HERCULES 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

GOOD-liness over GOD-liness. Well, at least he looks the part! Dwayne Johnson brings his extraordinary muscles and ordinary acting abilities to the role of Greek demigod HERCULES, as envisioned by tormented writer Steve Moore and thunderstorm artist Admira Wijaya (Radical Comics, 2009) and de-envisioned by novice screenwriters Ryan Condal and Evan Spiliotpoulos, and Michael Bay Lite director, Brett Ratner. HERCULES … Read More

THE OTHER GUYS

Poffy The Cucumber

Finding the Other Mark Wahlberg. When two outlandishly virile street cops are downed by their own hubris, the race is on to see which desk jockeys can step up as the next department heroes. The supercops are Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne Johnson, on minimum screentime and maximum testosterone; taking satirical aim at the exact macho roles they’ve played all … Read More

PLANET 51

Poffy The Cucumber

He who sips from many cups, drinks from none. The imitative art is an inferior who marries an inferior and has inferior offspring. — Plato, The Republic, Book X. Wow! A movie with NO original ideas! PLANET 51 is a glop of as many nudge-nudge wink-wink cultural references as cartoonly possible in an uninvolving 91-minute chase movie. Set on an … Read More

GET SMART 2008

Poffy The Cucumber

Get Dumb. And Dumber. Who wrote this crap? Would you believe…? Well, it wasn’t Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. Their Maxwell Smart (personified by Don Adams) was hilarious. As the creators-writers of the 1965 television series, GET SMART, they are listed as “creative consultants” as soon as the end credits roll. It’s as if the writers of this torpid remake … Read More