SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Solo_pic2

Oh Han, where did you Kessel Run to? What we do in life – echoes in eternity. — Russell Crowe as Maximus, GLADIATOR Just how did Han Solo come by his beloved Millennium Falcon? (He told us in Episode IV he won it gambling.) And how did he get his trusty blaster? (Uh, I guess he either bought it, stole … Read More

BRIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Starting bright, ending dim. Looks like someone wanted to see an R-rated version of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. BRIGHT is written as if J.R.R. Tolkien lived in modern-day Los Angeles, with its gun culture and gangland crime and racism and fairies. If nothing else, BRIGHT is a semi-original idea (two cops saddled with protecting a girl on the run, … Read More

THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

ShapeOfWater_pic3

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE VIII – THE LAST JEDI

Poffy The Cucumber

Poffy_StarWarsVIII_small

This is not going to go the way you think! Writer-director Rian Johnson grabs the STAR WARS universe by the midi-chlorians and shakes until you scream Uncle Owen! If ROGUE ONE was a love letter to the Original Trilogy, then THE LAST JEDI is the Dear John letter to J.J. Abrams. Johnson takes such liberties with the concepts and themes … Read More

MALEFICENT

Poffy The Cucumber

Malevolent CGI and Magnificent Stupidity. MALEFICENT is the story of Sleeping Beauty. Told from the point of view of the evil fairy. And you know what? She’s not evil. First of all, I think this movie is trying to hurt our corneas. Does the CGI have to cover every single color in the visible light and ultraviolent spectrum so loudly? … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – THE FORCE AWAKENS

Poffy The Cucumber

I willfully waited for the fervor to die down. So I wouldn’t have to deal with ubergeeks in Wookiee masks and errant lightsabers up the nostril, while trying to sit comfortably surrounded by idiots wearing Imperial armor or a three-man rancor costume. I succeeded, and EVENTUALLY saw the movie whose hype exceeds its content, in a bare cinema where I … Read More

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Poffy The Cucumber

The wrath of Tolkien, the majesty of Jackson, the fickleness of Fandom. Wizard Peter Jackson concludes the movie trilogy that stole his baby fat. THE HOBBIT comes to a spectacular end – greed, fury, purity of heart and interspecies love – to the wonderment of appreciative moviegoers and the chagrin of sniveling purists. THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE … Read More

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Poffy The Cucumber

Titan-ic Kraka-lacken. Greek mythology explodes in Harryhausen splendor! CLASH OF THE TITANS is written by Beverly Cross, directed by Desmond Davis, and stars Laurence Olivier as Zeus the king of the gods, but the man whose footprint makes this adventure fantasy memorable is the king of Dynamation – Ray Harryhausen! Blank-faced Harry Hamlin stars as Perseus, son of Zeus, half … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Poffy The Cucumber

Order off the Menu. Nothing’s pulling the carriage, Harry. It’s pulling itself, like always… — Hermione, ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX reminds us of how Jor-El’s warnings to Krypton’s elders went unheeded, and how Krypton paid the price. In PHOENIX, the demon wizard Voldemort is back – but no one believes the people … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Goblet-de-gook. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE continues the disjointed adventure of the world’s most famous boy wizard; not so much a feature film as a laundry list of tasks performed by two-dimensional characters, told with no logic, less motivation and lots and lots of not very special effects. It’s Magic! That’s great! Fuck you! It surely seems like … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Azkabana-fo-fana. Harry Potter’s getting on to “that age.” At the opening of HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, we meet him in bed under the blankets, playing with his wand. And Hermione is – how shall I say this without sounding as perverse as the rest of you who deny you’re looking? – budding… And Ron is still a … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Chamber of Feebness. The sequel to HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE, HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, continues the richly-layered story of young wizard Harry Potter and his friends in their second year at Hogwarts, the school for enunciating British kids. A monster awaits in a chamber of secrets and only Harry can defeat it using numerous … Read More

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Hogwild at Hogwarts. You know that one obstinate guy in the world who hasn’t read any of the Harry Potter books? I’m that cucumber. Confession over, Movie Maniacs. Let’s see what this Harry Potter movie is all about… HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE, we meet young British boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), and tag along as his eyes are … Read More

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Glimmering Grimm. Once upon a time, there was an action man and his hottie sister, and they were called Hansel and Gretel. Abandoned in the forest at a young age, they stumbled upon a witch’s cottage, killed the witch who was trying to eat them, and grew up to be an Avenger and a Bond Girl. Jeremy Renner (THE AVENGERS) … Read More

SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR

Poffy The Cucumber

Once Upon a Terrifying Time… SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR has the potential to be one of the great revisionist re-tellings of the original Grimm Fairy Tale, but, like BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, suffers from inauthentic sets, TV production values and bad editing. And big dwarfs. As the title suggests, it’s the age-old German folk tale of Snow White (tabulated … Read More

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Action Sequences. Hobbit Bilbo Baggins and the troupe of Dwarves from Erebor continue their quest through Middle Earth to reclaim the Dwarves’ homeland from the Dragon Smaug. Along the way they are attacked by Orcs, cocooned by giant spiders, imprisoned by Elves, barreled through rapids, smuggled by a boatman, sculpt a statue of gold, and ascend through … Read More

JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Follow the yellow slick road… An origin tale of how a sideshow charlatan becomes the Wizard of Oz, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is as wondrous and exciting as the film that inspired it, which means it is kaleidoscopically trippy and makes no sense. In 1905 sepia-toned Kansas, James Franco is carnival magician Oscar Diggs, a womanizing narcissist, swept away … Read More

WRATH OF THE TITANS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ungodly. The legend of Perseus continues in WRATH OF THE TITANS, with the kidnapping of Zeus, the treachery of Ares, the disintegration of Poseidon, and the slaying of the Titan Kronos, just like it says in all the Greek myths…. actually, not in any Greek myths; matter of fact, I’m wondering whether the filmmakers have read even one Greek myth … Read More

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

Poffy The Cucumber

Back and There – Again… Swooping over mountainscapes aglow with ice, through subterranean caverns ahowl with goblin revelry, over battlefields strewn with armored death, through the living forests of Mirkwood and the majestic spires of Rivendell… damn, it took me a long time to get to the theater! The epic journey begins; the prequels, if you will, to THE LORD … Read More