GAMERA THE BRAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Boy-Gamera Child-Hero, and the hero-child brigade. A baby Gamera must prove his worth against a Roland-zilla. Uh-oh. The Giant Monster Council has been disbanded! Not the Giant Monster Council! So much downtime between rubber suit attacks, all those politicians just sat around watching Godzilla movies. GAMERA THE BRAVE is the 12th Gamera movie, and to date, the 1st and only … Read More

GAMERA 3: THE REVENGE OF IRIS

Poffy The Cucumber

Shell Shocked Ex-shell-ence! Daikaiju Maniacs, if you seek a Japanese creature movie better than the recent 2014 GODZILLA Hollywood puffball, I recommend whole-cukedly the 1990’s GAMERA trilogy, GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE (1995), ATTACK OF THE LEGION (1996) and THE REVENGE OF IRIS (1999), all written by Kazunori Itô and directed by Shûsuke Kaneko. Created during a period of Godzilla downtime … Read More

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Tired Turtle. Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts. GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER is the final in the “Showa” series, which includes all the badly-acted, badly-produced GAMERA films since his inception in 1965. In a long line of worst films, Daiei Studios saved the absolute worst for last, aiming … Read More

GAMERA VS. VIRAS

Poffy The Cucumber

WHY GAMERA, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE INTO SCISSORING, YOU OLD LESBIAN!

Octopustulent. In a cold open, a bumblebee spaceship with English-speaking aliens attack Earth because it’s the planet most like theirs in the universe. Actual logic in a GAMERA movie! Then Gamera the giant flying turtle attacks the spaceship because – whatever. An unseen commander onboard the ship, who might just be Richard Burton, elocutes orders to his unseen crew, and … Read More

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

Poffy The Cucumber

Badass Turtle does good. A synopsis for GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION reads: “A strange meteor lands in Japan unleashing hundreds of insect-like “legion” creatures which find their way into Tokyo. When the military fails to control the situation, Gamera shows up…” (Alex Smits, imdb). Wait, the “military fails to control the situation”? Let me ask: Have the military … Read More

GAMERA VS. JIGER

Poffy The Cucumber

When children ran the Japanese military. We can pretty much guess the quality of this Japanese debacle as soon as the opening titles are accompanied by that cringeworthy “Gamera” theme song performed by schoolkids. (All I can think of are the MST3K lyrics, “Gam-e-ra is really neat / He is filled with turtle meat / We all love you Gam-eh-raaaaa!” … Read More

GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Turtle Soup for the Soul. Once more for the next generation: Gamera Vs. Gaos! Moderno melodramo maximus! GAMERA: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE, despite a few shortcomings in the effects department, is everything a science fiction thriller should be. This 1995 reboot of the Gamera franchise is filled with suspense, wracked with tension, epic soundtrack and captivating action, and boasts some … Read More

GAMERA VS. GAOS

Poffy The Cucumber

Pointy Birds. Pointy birds, so pointy pointy. Anoint my head. Anointy ‘nointy. — Steve Martin, THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. Godzilla had Rodan, a giant marauding bird, so Gamera went one better and hatched Gaos – not just a giant bird, a giant pointy bird – from a volcano! With a head ornament styled after a shuriken star, and laser … Read More

GAMERA VS. GUIRON

Poffy The Cucumber

A Real Cutup. GAMERA VS. GUIRON is the fifth entry in the giant turtle’s series, continuing in the dopey footsteps of his great uncle Godzilla. After a first movie introduction where he was all about wanton destruction, by now he has been re-rendered as “friend to children.” And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension. Two young boys accidentally fly a … Read More