THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Starving for ideas: Catching Cold. In THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE, the two models who survived the Hunger Games last year are forced by the Capitol to go on a Tour through the 12 Districts to rub it in everyone’s faces. And our faces too. Then they just repeat the last movie. And rub that in our faces too. In … Read More

THE HUNGER GAMES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dum-ber Games. THE HUNGER GAMES gets caught up being a kid’s actioner with a hot chick, even though it originates as a grim commentary about class warfare. With a hot chick. It’s the dystopian future. (Sheesh! Either it’s ‘apocalyptic’ or ‘dystopian’ – isn’t there ever a boring samo-samo future in mankind’s future?) And the ruling classes tyrannize the underclasses … Read More

UNBREAKABLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Irresponsible Force meets Unbreakable Object. Quentin Tarantino provided the best logline for M. Night Shyamalan‘s UNBREAKABLE. In his characteristically compelling storytelling way, he puts it – even better than the actual ad campaign – “What if Superman was here on Earth and didn’t know he was Superman?” That’s UNBREAKABLE broken down. If there is, in fact, a “super” gene, it … Read More

THE VILLAGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Mythed it by that much. Somewhere between expectancy and deliverance – lies M. Night Shyamalan‘s THE VILLAGE. The people of an Amish-styled village share an uneasy truce with the mysterious beasts that haunt the surrounding woods – until a blind girl courageously braves the woods on a mission of mercy. The people of Covington lead an idyllic Old World existence, … Read More

THE POSTMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Postal for ‘Pocalypse. Not another apocalypse! This time, Kevin Costner’s to blame. Hey, wasn’t he responsible for the apocalypse in WATERWORLD as well?… I hate the word ‘apocalypse’ – not the word itself, which is very… uh, apocalyptic.. but its misunderstanding and its consequent misuse. It means, literally, a “lifting of the veil” or “revelation” but because ‘Apocalypse’ was … Read More

DREAMCATCHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Same Shit Different Director. So why is it that films made from Stephen King’s stories turn out, for the most part, to be movies that look as if they’d been chiseled out of Silly Putty by escapees from the Home For the Terminally Inept? — Harlan Ellison, Oct 1984, “In Which We Scuffle Through The Embers” (Magazine of S&SF). DREAMCATCHER … Read More

GREEN LANTERN

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the 50-foot foreheads. The main qualification for being a Green Lantern is to have No Fear. Oh, and a high forehead. What’s with all the giant foreheads in GREEN LANTERN? Ryan Reynolds is Green Lantern’s forehead – and I must say, the perfect visual representation of the DC Comics ring-bearer; the great Mark Strong (SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009) is … Read More

PRETTY WOMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

For the Love of Prostitution. Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire. And in PRETTY WOMAN, Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire. In what may be the most ignorant movie in a decade, a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness, tastelessness, uncleanliness, tardiness … Read More

SALT

Poffy The Cucumber

DIE HARD With A Vagina. A bunch of guys chase after Angelina Jolie. So what’s new? Opening scenes of SALT show a sexy, bloodied blonde (Angelina Jolie) being dragged from a North Korean prison cell and tortured; she’s waterboarded, beaten, punched, screamed at; she’s slim, busty and naked – except for her exquisite frilly white lace bra and panties. You … Read More

THE LAST AIRBENDER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bender me this, Bender! What is a Bender? the petulant anarchist Judd Nelson in THE BREAKFAST CLUB; the alcoholic, kleptomaniac robot in FUTURAMA; a homosexual man; getting stoned on alcohol or drugs for a sustained period of time; an exceptionally bad hockey player; a tumescent penis; a curveball; to shit oneself; a person who can affect the elements at will; … Read More

DEFIANCE

Poffy The Cucumber

In defiance of stereotypes. In the movie KNOCKED UP, five Jewish friends trying to score in a night club talk about the credibility of Jews being raised by one man: “If any of us is gonna score tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in MUNICH.” Soon they’ll be talking the same way about Daniel Craig in DEFIANCE… 1941: during World … Read More

FRENCH KISS

Poffy The Cucumber

French Crass. When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself, one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls romance. — Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Kate’s (Meg Ryan) love-of-her-life, Charlie (Timothy Hutton) travels to France, where he meets his love-of-his-life (Suzan Anbeh), and leaves Kate. Misbegotten, forlorn, neurotic, rudderless Kate pursues Charlie to … Read More

SIGNS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cream of the Crop Circles. SIGNS is a storytelling masterpiece from writer-director, M. Night Shyamalan; a master moviemaker’s layered mosaic of fear, faith, family – and alien invasion. Don’t let the “alien” thing throw you – like every Night thriller, SIGNS is not of the Running and Screaming stripe, rather, a beautifully crafted lesson in film “making”; creative angles, smart … Read More

CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Owned By His Own War. Before George H.W. Bush sold weapons to Saddam, before Ronald Reagan sold weapons to Iran, before George W. Bush lost 190,000 guns in Iraq – there was Tom Hanks, selling weapons to the Mujahedeen. A splinter group of the Mujahedeen would later become the Taliban. Thanks again, American Politicians. In the Mike Nichols-directed political intriguer, … Read More

I AM LEGEND

Poffy The Cucumber

Will Smith Saves The World – Again… Everyone on Earth is dead – but they left the CGI running. Will Smith is the “last man on Earth,” Robert Neville, tooling through abandoned, overgrown New York City streets, hunting antelope in a red sports car. It is the near future and a plague/virus has taken down humanity – not again! – … Read More

THE DARK KNIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Do not go gentle into that good knight… Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. – Dylan Thomas If Batman is the untamed world, The Joker is the unbalanced world. THE DARK KNIGHT tells us humanity lives somewhere in between. … Read More

THE HAPPENING

Poffy The Cucumber

Nothing Happening. M. Night Shyamalan is a film-making genius. Okay, that’s outa the way, now to THE HAPPENING – one of M. Night Shyamalan’s best comedies. (Because if you don’t laugh at Zooey Deschanel’s “indicating” method of “acting” you must attend the same inept acting classes she does.) In M. Night Shyamalan’s latest producer-writer-director effort, people of the U.S. Eastern … Read More

LADY IN THE WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Part real. Part fable. All Night. In his book, On Directing Film, David Mamet says of movies, “it’s all make-believe. The question is, how good is the make-believe going to be?” M. Night Shyamalan‘s LADY IN THE WATER is truly what it sells itself as – a bedtime story; make-believe of the highest order, taken with a generous pinch of … Read More

THE INTERPRETER

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Translation. If you care about whether burnt-out political insurrectionists from fictitious African countries are assassinated or not, this slow-moving thriller is for you. Otherwise, you will watch THE INTERPRETER with one question dogging your suspension of disbelief: “How does a startlingly luminous beauty like Silvia Broome (Nicole Kidman) avoid being flirted with by every single male she comes … Read More

DAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Electile Dysfunction. Rooted solidly in the “We Can Dream, Can’t We?” mold, DAVE follows the adventures of a stand-in for the American President who tries to rectify the administration’s shortcomings while “in office” – a grander fantasy than any cobbling from J.R.R. Tolkein. Despite the hypocrisy in trying to retain democracy’s visage by inserting a lookalike into the Presidential post without … Read More