THE HAUNTING 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

The terror of bad direction, editing and acting. Not to be confused with THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE, released in the same year, THE HAUNTING is the tiresome, overlong, yawnfest remake of the 1960 movie of the same name. The only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk. Dr. Marrow (Liam … Read More

SPEED

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Miss Dazey. Play the drinking game to this movie, for every time you hear the words, “Hang on!” You’ll end up drunker than Lindsey Lohan. SPEED – an action movie that delivers a thrill a minute, almost as often as you have to take a drink – arguably put Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves and director Jan de Bont on … Read More

DIE HARD

Poffy The Cucumber

An Action Hero is Born Hard. You know that irritating cliche: “rip-roaring rollercoaster ride”? Invented here: DIE HARD. The original and best. Action movie that carved a template for action movies – back in the day when even white guys could be terrorists. This close to being a pissant B-Action-Movie, DIE HARD is where TV’s smarmy David Addison transitioned to … Read More

TWISTER

Poffy The Cucumber

TWISTER blows. I have spent my life laboriously doing nothing. — Hugo Grotius (on his deathbed 1645) Mysteriously-funded and irrationally-driven “storm-chasers” gad about the American midwest in TWISTER, trying to throw an aluminum thingy filled with little aluminum thingies into a tornado. They say it’s to research these natural disasters. Cue joke about this movie being natural disaster. Leading the … Read More