MACHETE KILLS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cutting Coyote Comedy. I can’t tell whether MACHETE KILLS is stupider than EXPENDABLES 2 or smarter than JACK REACHER. Knowing that Robert Rodriguez intentionally crafts this movie with tongue planted firmly in Danny Trejo’s ass cheek (sorry about the visual) affords it some leeway, however the hyper-reality clashes so discordantly with the ultra-stupidity that Wile E. Coyote called and said … Read More

MACHETE

Poffy The Cucumber

Carving a niche for immigration heroes. If you really wanna be street cool, you’ll pronounce it ‘Ma-CHET-tay.’ The much-overlooked yet mustered Danny Trejo brings his battleground face to the title role of Robert Rodriguez‘s hilariously vicious MACHETE, the story of an ex-federale (code name: Machete) going undercover against illegal politicians against illegal immigrants. The hook is that Machete prefers as … Read More

THE LOVE GURU

Poffy The Cucumber

Half-Spreading the Love. THE LOVE GURU: another excuse for Mike Myers to act unutterably stupid – and get paid for it. As the Guru Pitka, the usually brilliant Myers is in mediocre form, playing an Indian guru who is hired by Jane (talentless Jessica Alba) to help a recently-separated hockey player, Darren (Romany Malco, THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN), find … Read More

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Poffy The Cucumber

More FOUR Bore. There’s something about the Fantastic Four that’s not all that fantastic: it’s called acting.Had to spin Joe Satriani’s Surfing with the Alien before spanking this review – ‘twas the only way I was gonna cyber-charge the cells after watching the soporific, yet tenuously linked FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. As some of you 80s steel-belted … Read More

FANTASTIC FOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

Fourscore Bore. Four scientists and a rich guy use Movie Excuse Number Seven to go up in the rich guy’s space station where they are all engulfed in Movie Convention Number Twelve (see “cosmic storm”) which gives them super powers. While using Movie Explosions Numbers Six through Twenty-Four, a story emerges as the Four scientists turn into Movie Stereotype John … Read More