TRANSAMERICA

Poffy The Cucumber

Transcenderbender. TRANSAMERICA – the story of a transsexual male in the last stages of his quest to become truly female and undergo gender reassignment surgery – might be quite disturbing to some people. Especially Felicity Huffman. How disturbing is it for a woman to be cast as someone who looks like a man who’s trying to look like a woman?! … Read More

CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Please Stop The Music. The Village People Movie! At this point, did anyone take aside the manager of the Village People and say, “Uh, don’t!”? I can’t unsee this travesty. Or is CAN’T STOP THE MUSIC a biography? Formed by an overacting douchebag, named by an old woman, promoted by a slut ex-model, and none of them gay – nope, … Read More

POSEIDON

Poffy The Cucumber

The Boat, The Wave, The Snake. One scene in POSEIDON will live with you long after you’ve dried off and found your land legs: Kurt Russell actually drowning. Literally. In a move that is half-Method/half-Madness, Russell lets his lungs purposely fill with water to achieve what looks like someone actually drowning. And actually drowns! It was arranged that lifeguards retrieve … Read More

CLOUD ATLAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cloudy with a chance of Atlas. CLOUD ATLAS is six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one. It’s bolder than most movies, bigger than most, intelligent and well-produced, with epic sweep across past, present and future societies, with grandiose performances, seamless effects and what seems like a million hanging threads – until we realize CLOUD ATLAS is … Read More

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

Poffy The Cucumber

When Roommates Go Tribade. A luscious woman is terrorized by a boxy woman. The boxy woman adopts the sexy woman’s hairdo, borrows her clothes and gives the sexy woman’s boyfriend a hummer. Terrifying, isn’t it? Really, guys, do any of you care? But seriously, who wouldn’t stalk Bridget Fonda? In this psychological thriller, she’s the luscious Allie, the SINGLE WHITE … Read More

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

When Aunties Collide. Aren’t all lesbians secretly pining for a good hard one? THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT is a new species of homo erectus. It’s a gay-themed movie that doesn’t crow gayness all over its leather chaps; it can afford to be non-offensively mainstream like few other gay-themed movies because its homosexual couple is female – but in going mainstream, … Read More

MANHATTAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Allen’s Town. On the island city of MANHATTAN, Woody Allen’s masterful study of how every person is an island. Opening montage is enough to make you want to move there; a scintillating montage of the Manhattan skyline, the streets, the people, the shops and streetside vendors, from the scum to the scenic, Allen’s narration starting out purposely melodramatic and settling … Read More

SEX AND THE CITY

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Harridans. Four ugly women bitch and moan about men. The End. Nauseating and irrelevant to men and people with more than half a functioning brain, SEX AND THE CITY THE MOVIE is a temple to the spoiled-hideous First World upper class fem-empowered sub culture. Since its inception as a TV series in 1998 (created by Darren Star) SEX … Read More

PHILADELPHIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Lawyers cutting back door deals. Let’s face it – Tom Hanks probably caught AIDS at that BACHELOR PARTY. In PHILADELPHIA, Hanks is Andrew Beckett, a young gay lawyer (not pejoratively, as in “all lawyers are gay” – literally). His life is good; his law firm entrusts him with a primo case and brings him into the bigwig fold of Conservative … Read More

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Totally not gay. Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are two straight firemen who pretend to be gay married partners for the sake of insurance benefits for Larry’s kids, that would otherwise be lost due to Larry being a widower. Roundabout way of arriving at a stupid premise, brought about by a law so stupid, you just want to … Read More

BRUNO

Poffy The Cucumber

Social Commentary with a Depilated Sphincter. Not for the faint-hearted or the weak-minded, but definitely for the limp-wristed and the ball-shaven, BRÜNO drags us like fag hags through the darkest recesses of the human psyche. Exactly like BORAT, only gayer. Like a freight train thundering on homosexually steel wheels, tapping a pygmy lover with a penchant for champagne bottles up … Read More

MILK

Poffy The Cucumber

Got Rights? Life really did begin at 40 for Harvey Milk. Unfortunately, it ended at 48. MILK follows the short, comet-across-the-skies career of Harvey Milk (Sean Penn), the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America. We meet Milk in the waning hours of his 39th birthday, picking up a stranger (James Franco … Read More

IMAGINE ME AND YOU

Poffy The Cucumber

Love at First Dyke. He loves her, but she loves… her. Following on the heels of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (Sep 2005) and TRANSAMERICA (Dec 2005) comes this syrupy, thoughtless, fad-awful debacle of lesbian love, IMAGINE ME AND YOU (the moanful title congruent with the lack of imagination displayed in the movie). Rachel (Piper Perabo) is married to Heck (Matthew Goode, bringing … Read More

CAPOTE

Poffy The Cucumber

The movie about the book about the murders. CAPOTE, first of all, is not a biopic. It covers a short period in writer Truman Capote’s life when he immersed himself in his classic True Crime novel In Cold Blood, the first “non-fiction novel” of its kind. Published in 1965, this revolutionary book would make Capote the most famous writer in … Read More

GIGLI

Poffy The Cucumber

To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade; to condemn, decry, objurgate… GIGLI is an insult to gangsters, Italians, homosexuals, Al Pacino, lesbians, actors, retards, and even David Hasselhoff. First mistake: the movie’s name, and then having Gigli himself explain its pronunciation, like it was a running gag that was funny. Second mistake: Ben Affleck as Gigli, trying to … Read More

VELVET GOLDMINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Moonage Daydreams of Stardust. …Your poison doesn’t hurt me, no Tender wine disguised in a milk-fat fair kiddie show. I’m here to celebrate the one below At last I’ve heard from good God above As the slap on my ass by a lipstick-kissed elbow glove… – The Ballad of Maxwell Demon, Shudder To Think. A true songwriter would give his … Read More

BIG DADDY

Poffy The Cucumber

Daddy Stupidest. Raising a kid is easy! Especially if you’re a shiftless imbecile with no talent, goals, ambition or responsibility. Cue Adam Sandler. Playing Sonny Koufax in BIG DADDY as only Sandler can (somewhere between mildly retarded and idiot savant), raising an abandoned five-year-old, Julian (played by Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse), Sonny’s parenting methods involve lots of newspaper and … Read More

ALONG CAME POLLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Along Came Seymour. In ALONG CAME POLLY, Ben Stiller is yet another dweeby nebbish, Jennifer Aniston, yet another luminous man-toy, carnal love muscle. How do writers squeeze any further substance from these same drop-dead-boring characters? Stiller is Reuben Feffer, depressed after leaving his slut wife (Debra Messing), finding rebound romance in the arms of Polly (Aniston). Adversity ensues blah blah … Read More

ROCK STAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Mock Star. In ROCK STAR, Chris Cole (played sufficiently blandly by Mark Wahlberg) is a big loser with bigger hair and an even bigger voice. Through a freak turn of events he is hired by an international metal band (Steel Dragon, led by a big-haired Dominic West) and attains his dream of rock superstardom. Finding he is too vagina-whipped – … Read More

KINSEY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Cocksure Man. Apparently, Kinsey had a big one. For a pioneer of world-shaking sex research, that’s one helluva hook. And straight from the ‘truth is better than fiction’ bin – his wife had a small one… Liam Neeson is biologist Alfred C. Kinsey, who was single-handedly responsible for bringing sobriety and scientific method to the wild-eyed speculation and downright … Read More