JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

JurassicWorldFK_pic2

Fallen Franchise. Why do we watch “dinosaur movies”? Well, for the DINOSAURS, of course! In that respect, JURASSIC PARK: FALLEN KINGDOM is at the top of the heap, with the best dinosaurs that 2018 CGI technology can render, hands down. With every roar, every stomp, every quivering of their neck wattles, we don’t doubt these prehistoric animals are more real … Read More

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING

Poffy The Cucumber

SpidermanHomecoming_pic

This ain’t your daddy’s underoos… SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING follows the retconned Peter Parker in his quest to become Tony Stark’s bottom bitch. It’s one of the best superhero movies of the modern era, capturing the tone, humor and desires of its hero perfectly. But is nobody going to protest the blatant retroactive continuity on Spider-Man’s suit? I guess not, because experiencing … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

Poffy The Cucumber

The Running Spy. Running. If you like running, you’ll love MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. Because that’s all that Tom Cruise seems to be doing in it. Besides running, Cruise is also being IMF espionage agent Ethan Hunt. (When he tells someone that IMF stands for “Impossible Missions Force,” we realize how ridiculous it sounds, and why everybody’s trying to kill him). … Read More

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing. It’s always the rogue that excites us… ROGUE ONE: A STARS WARS STORY is the bad boy of the STAR WARS universe. He turns up in his black charger with the heavy metal blaring and he makes our panties moist. Easily boasting the best production values of all the eight STAR WARS films to date, … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – THE FORCE AWAKENS

Poffy The Cucumber

I willfully waited for the fervor to die down. So I wouldn’t have to deal with ubergeeks in Wookiee masks and errant lightsabers up the nostril, while trying to sit comfortably surrounded by idiots wearing Imperial armor or a three-man rancor costume. I succeeded, and EVENTUALLY saw the movie whose hype exceeds its content, in a bare cinema where I … Read More

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Poffy The Cucumber

This is the Dawning of the Age of A-Hairy-Ass… How embarrassing! Conquered by people who don’t wear pants. DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES starts exactly where RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011) left off, with a killer virus spreading via a world map, extinguishing the human species except for a few pockets of immunes. 8 years … Read More

STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wrath Of Cumberbatch. Hold up a mirror to STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN and you get – STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS. We get Spock and his infamous line in the first ten minutes, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”; we get the crisis which can only be diverted by someone illustrating that … Read More

LAND OF THE LOST 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Bland of the Lost. I’ve pretty much had it waiting for Will Ferrell to make another funny movie. The last one was ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY (2004), although I admit I have not seen his TV special, YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA: A FINAL NIGHT WITH GEORGE W. BUSH (I’ve always liked his Dubya). LAND OF THE LOST, a movie … Read More