SAILOR BEWARE

Poffy The Cucumber

Kissed Off. Probably the stoopidest Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis musical-comedy, SAILOR BEWARE is about two pals enlisting in the Navy and getting involved in a kissing contest that somehow gives one of them the reputation of a Lothario – even though he is allergic to kissing women. Then it ends before it gets mistaken for a movie. After an … Read More

DARKEST HOUR

Poffy The Cucumber

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Fight For Your Right – to Dunkirk! He mobilized the English language, and sent it into battle. — Edward R. Murrow. (Accredited to Lord Halifax in DARKEST HOUR.) Oldman does Churchill! The greatest actor of our generation plays the greatest orator of the greatest generation. DARKEST HOUR follows newly-elected British Prime Minister Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman) through Britain’s darkest hour … Read More

DUNKIRK 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

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Song for the Unsung. A high-pitched drone of violins imperceptibly morphs into the far-off air-scream of a diving German fighter plane. From the expanse of grey sky, a jot of shrill steel, growing into an engine roar, swelling into machine gun slaughter over a beach where 400,000 Allied soldiers huddle, stranded by circumstance, packed like lemmings, waiting for deliverance on … Read More

AT WAR WITH THE ARMY

Poffy The Cucumber

No Laughing Matter. Technically, the first film appearance of “Martin and Lewis” is MY FRIEND IRMA (1949), where they played B-characters to the two female leads. AT WAR WITH THE ARMY is the first starring vehicle for the world’s premier comedy team at the time – Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. The most amazing thing about this stagnant yawner is … Read More

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

300: Rise of the Swoll. As Zack Snyder’s 300 covered the thrilling land battle of Sparta against Persia, Noam Murro’s 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE covers the concurrent sea battle. The boring sea battle. Oh, it still looks amazing, with the same ochre tint and album-cover pizzazz as Snyder’s epic, with that same filmic technique that lovingly embraces the crystalline … Read More

UNBROKEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Well, maybe just a little Broken… Angelina Jolie directs UNBROKEN, the tale of an average Olympic runner/American soldier, Louis Zamperini (1917-2014), who survives insurmountable odds to make it through World War II alive. Whereupon he resumes his average life. Right outa the gate, Jolie’s direction is marvelous! It’s dynamic and detailed, and she’s doing her mentors proud with this, her … Read More

BEASTS OF NO NATION

Poffy The Cucumber

All Beasts, All Nations. By removing all politics and nationality from its lead character, BEASTS OF NO NATION allows us to see through the eyes of innocence the insanity of man against man for no apparent reason. During a raid on his African village, young Agu’s father and brothers are gunned down by – guerillas? – freedom fighters? – bad … Read More

SCHINDLER’S LIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Ones That Got Away (alternate title in Germany?) He was German, a Nazi, a profiteer of slave labor, a philanderer, an adulterer, a confidence man and a traitor to his country. He was Oskar Schindler, who saved over 1,100 Jews from concentration camps in World War II. Reminds me of that joke “…but screw just one sheep…” in reverse. … Read More

ROBOCOP 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Being more Man than Machine? There’s an app for that… A cop transformed into a cyborg fights for control of his free will over the corporation that controls his unthinking, emotionless mind. Uh, so it’s about ALL cops then? No, only ones who behave like ROBOCOP. Oh, so it’s about ALL cops then?… 2028 Detroit. When Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) … Read More

HEROISM | How Would You Define a Hero?

Jon Dunmore

he movie AMERICAN SNIPER opens up another definition of the word “hero” – a sneaky prick who shoots you in the back. And it got me thinking: Just what is this American fascination with the term “hero?” The word is bandied about like a stray volleyball, encapsulating foopball players, ath-o-letes, musicians, actors, to people who are merely doing their job … Read More

AMERICAN SNIPER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Sheepdog Cometh. Clint Eastwood directs Bradley Cooper as AMERICAN SNIPER Chris Kyle in a heroic story about a decidedly unheroic slimeball. They call Chris Kyle America’s Greatest Sniper, racking up over 160 confirmed kills over four tours in Iraq. Kyle, a Navy SEAL, who supposedly adheres to a much higher code of honor than us regular cucumbers, self-effacingly claims … Read More

INVASION U.S.A.

Poffy The Cucumber

Cold War Mongering. INVASION U.S.A. is made for one purpose. The government will tell you it’s to promote the draft, but the draft is only a euphemism for domestic terrorism. What else would you call spreading fear through media; terrorizing the populace into bowing Head Down Ass Up to the American government, or their lives would be ended by Russians? … Read More

FAIL-SAFE

Poffy The Cucumber

Failing at Safe. Bombing Moscow: the dream of every American chickenhawk politician during the Cold War. Bombing New York: the dream of every other country. In FAIL-SAFE, a grim parable about a war triggered due to a computer glitch, everyone’s dreams come true. Released in September 1964, only a few months after Stanley Kubrick’s DR. STRANGELOVE (Jan 1964), Sidney Lumet’s … Read More

SHOULDER ARMS

Poffy The Cucumber

War is only as stupid as its combatants. Too soon? A comedy set during World War I – during World War I. Long before Rambo won Viet Nam, Charlie Chaplin won WWI! Writer-director-star Chaplin, the king of physical comedy, addresses the greatest comedy of all – war. Braving public disapproval, he releases SHOULDER ARMS, a breezy lark that follows a … Read More

THE DIRTY DOZEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Cleanup on Aisle Dirty. Classic! Explosive, action-packed, funny and filthy, THE DIRTY DOZEN is the best Boy’s Movie of the millennium! If you’re between 14 and 24, you will be inspired by this movie; it was the HALO 3 of its day. In World War II, twelve American military convicts, each a different flavor of crazy, are snatched from the … Read More

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT

Poffy The Cucumber

All quiet when it comes to war. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT is arguably the first true anti-war film. An American production that follows a young German soldier through senseless World War I trenches, it is epic in scope, yet intimate in its emotional impact. There were others that flew the flag of anti-war – CIVILIZATION (1916), J’ACCUSE (1919), … Read More

EDGE OF TOMORROW

Poffy The Cucumber

Blunt. Cruise. Repeat. Dying in battle is the new way to meet chicks! Right off the bat, EDGE OF TOMORROW involves time-travel, so if you’re one of those chrono-geeks who’s gonna sit there with your slide-rule and try to finger the anomalies, best you leave right now… The Future. Extra-terrestrial aliens have attacked, and Earth armies on the defensive blah … Read More

WHY WE DID IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Illicit President, Illicit War. The short answer: Oil. The long answer: Oil, money, prostitutes. First of all: Who’s “we,” sucka? WHY WE DID IT, an MSBNC documentary, narrated by master journalist Rachel Maddow, details the deep background on why president George W. Bush and his slavemaster VP Dick Cheney took the United States to war in Iraq in 2003 under … Read More

LINCOLN

Poffy The Cucumber

When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species… A bunch of old, out-of-touch white guys babbling about slavery. The Republican Party hasn’t changed much. Well, back then, as the party of LINCOLN, they were trying to free the slaves; nowadays, they’re working to get them all back. My main question about this ambitious film is: With all the camera operators, … Read More

TOP GUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway to the Gayer Zone. TOP GUN – the movie that wrested the crown from MAD MAX 2: THE ROAD WARRIOR as the Gayest Movie Ever Made. Tom Cruise is Maverick, the pop gun let loose in billion dollar taxpayer war machinery, one of the best fancypants F14 Tomcat pilots stationed onboard an aircraft carrier, though so smug, irritating and … Read More