THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

A White House impossibly stupider than W’s. At a press conference, Mike Brady summarizes the mildly insane plot of THE BRADY BUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE: “Bobby was playing in an abandoned warehouse where he really shouldn’t’ve been. But he was. Then he found a lottery ticket which he shouldn’t’ve taken. But he did. And then one thing led to … Read More

THE ROOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Room_pic2

It is not a good film! It is naaht! A scheming whore and a bad actor circle the drain in THE ROOM. Strange visitor from another planet, Tommy Wiseau writes, directs and stars in what has become infamous as “the worst movie ever made.” Johnny (Tommy Wiseau, who looks like a holdover from a Sunset Strip metal band in the … Read More

YONGARY: MONSTER FROM THE DEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla – South Korea edition. After an unnecessary prelude with a married couple, a rocket orbit for no reason (the filmmakers displaying their complete ineptitude on space program dialect), and an earthquake caused by a dropped nuke, all of which have no connection to one another, but somehow share the same movie-space – out pops YONGARY! Looks like someone was … Read More

STARCRASH

Poffy The Cucumber

Star what now?– A smoking hot chick in a bikini, a robot named Larry the Cable Guy and a guy with a perm to die for, go in search of Princess David Hasselhoff, who is the son of Christopher Plummer, the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. Stop laughing. It’s STARCRASH, a film which outright plagiarizes STAR WARS … Read More

CRY WILDERNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION

Poffy The Cucumber

Tidings of no comfort, no joy. I’ll tell you why I hate Chevy Chase. As much as Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Jerry Lewis worked on honing their comedic craft, the talent-less drogue Chevy Chase has done exactly the opposite. Chase can be compared to his equally talent-less contemporary, singer Ozzy Osbourne; both Chevy and Ozzy ride the … Read More

SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Idiot Clause. I feel most embarrassed for Dudley Moore. What a talent! Wasted in SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE; not just wasted, but defiled, besmirched, and shat upon! SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE is a nauseating mess of brainless plotlines and platitudes. The trailers allude to the villain: “Now someone wants to take the magic out of Christmas!” Don’t look now, movie, … Read More

SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS

Poffy The Cucumber

‘Tard-nado. When Gary Busey is the smartest person in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Busey is scientist Dr. Loosedentures in SHARKNADO: THE 4TH AWAKENS, the fourth film in a franchise which should be expunged from filmic archives with extreme prejudice for systematically dismantling the intelligence of an American population that is already teetering on the edge of … Read More

SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!

Poffy The Cucumber

Trumpeting Incompetence. When David Hasselhoff is the best actor in your movie, you’ve got a real fucken problem. Clearly preempting a suitable title for any review, SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO! takes all that is good about movie-making and science and acting, and shit-squirts it up against the wall like dysentery. Director Anthony C. Ferrante and writer Thunder Levin got … Read More

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

Haunting Incompetence. It’s not the fact it’s a remake of the Vincent Price comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL  from 1959; it’s not the fact the ghosts are real now, instead of manufactured by the unbalanced host; it’s not even the fact Chris Kattan is here, who, on an acting scale of Chris O’Donnell to Gary Oldman – is a Minus … Read More

THE PROPHECY II

Poffy The Cucumber

The Angelic Boast. Angel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) is thrown out of hell by Lucifer, and proceeds to cause hell on Earth by starring in THE PROPHECY II. Dying at the end of the previous film (THE PROPHECY) meant nothing to Gabriel, as dying at the end of this movie will mean nothing as well. Why then, expend all this effort … Read More

GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Tired Turtle. Stock footage Gamera re-battles all his favorite foes for his target demo – Japanese schoolchildren in painfully tight shorts. GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER is the final in the “Showa” series, which includes all the badly-acted, badly-produced GAMERA films since his inception in 1965. In a long line of worst films, Daiei Studios saved the absolute worst for last, aiming … Read More

GAMERA VS. VIRAS

Poffy The Cucumber

WHY GAMERA, I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE INTO SCISSORING, YOU OLD LESBIAN!

Octopustulent. In a cold open, a bumblebee spaceship with English-speaking aliens attack Earth because it’s the planet most like theirs in the universe. Actual logic in a GAMERA movie! Then Gamera the giant flying turtle attacks the spaceship because – whatever. An unseen commander onboard the ship, who might just be Richard Burton, elocutes orders to his unseen crew, and … Read More

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE

Poffy The Cucumber

Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE is to movies what a car accident with a head in the street is to traffic. Untold tragedy. People die. Lives change. No, that’s not the car accident – that’s from watching MANOS. But you cannot … Read More

GAMERA VS. GUIRON

Poffy The Cucumber

A Real Cutup. GAMERA VS. GUIRON is the fifth entry in the giant turtle’s series, continuing in the dopey footsteps of his great uncle Godzilla. After a first movie introduction where he was all about wanton destruction, by now he has been re-rendered as “friend to children.” And stupidity reaches a new turtle dimension. Two young boys accidentally fly a … Read More

KING DINOSAUR

Poffy The Cucumber

King Dinosaur Dropping. Four gifted scientists travel to the planet Nova in a technologically advanced spaceship and discover a prehistoric world, coming face to face with a Tyrannosaurus rex… Nah, actually four ignorant doofuses, the Teen Models of their day, travel to an imaginary planet that the excitable narrator makes up on the spot, in a child’s idea of a … Read More

INVASION U.S.A.

Poffy The Cucumber

Cold War Mongering. INVASION U.S.A. is made for one purpose. The government will tell you it’s to promote the draft, but the draft is only a euphemism for domestic terrorism. What else would you call spreading fear through media; terrorizing the populace into bowing Head Down Ass Up to the American government, or their lives would be ended by Russians? … Read More

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bad Moviemakers Strike Again. There’s not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking movie viewers. Scientists led by John Agar capture the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and bring him to civilization to “train” him. And kill him. Called the “Gill Man” by the tourists and sightseers that call themselves “scientists,” the creature … Read More

ROCK OF AGES

Poffy The Cucumber

Crock of Ages. My flesh was crawling so vividly during every minute of the mindless, sanitized, second-rate karaoke movie ROCK OF AGES that by the time it ended I was sitting in one seat and my flesh was four seats over. I would sincerely like to kick this movie to death. This whole concept is a MISTAKE. From the Broadway … Read More

THE SKYDIVERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Never gets off the ground. If you enjoy dreary, talentless non-actors delivering lines in a bland monotone over a plot that goes from Point A to Stop Making Sense, then Coleman Francis’s THE SKYDIVERS is your cup of tea, er, coffee. Kevin Casey is Beth Rowe, who runs an airfield whose prime attraction is coffee and skydiving. In that order. … Read More