HERCULES IN NEW YORK

Poffy The Cucumber

Fish Out Of Austria. Demi-god Hercules visits New York for a lark. And it’s extremely funny. If you’re seven. Before the world discovered his Herculean physique in the muscle-doc PUMPING IRON (1977), and long before his breakout role as an “actor” in CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), Austrian-born bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow convinced American agents, managers, casting agencies and filmmakers to … Read More

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

REPTILICUS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Euro Puppet Holocaust. Godzilla – Denmark repreZENT! REPTILICUS, Denmark’s one and only daikaiju movie, is the Danish answer to Japan’s GODZILLA (1954). But whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet. There were only two Godzilla movies released at the time of REPTILICUS (1961) – the first was Ishiro Honda’s … Read More

THE PROPHECY 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Turning Cities to Salt, and Movies to Shit. Christopher Walken, former angel of death, returns in THE PROPHECY 3: THE ASCENT and does nothing, except walk around with a spectacular mullet, wearing his pants a little too high. Oh, and he’s the Angel Gabriel, mystically powerful villain of two previous films. He’s the guy who could “turn cities to salt” … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 Zac Efron Corbin Bleu Vanessa Hudgens Lucas Grabeel Ashley Tisdale

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL Zac Efron Vanessa Hudgens

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

GAMERA VS. JIGER

Poffy The Cucumber

When children ran the Japanese military. We can pretty much guess the quality of this Japanese debacle as soon as the opening titles are accompanied by that cringeworthy “Gamera” theme song performed by schoolkids. (All I can think of are the MST3K lyrics, “Gam-e-ra is really neat / He is filled with turtle meat / We all love you Gam-eh-raaaaa!” … Read More

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

Poffy The Cucumber

Comedic Horror or Horrible Comedy? Fade in on black. A woman’s scream pierces the blackness; the type of screechy eyeball-rattling scream that is so annoying it makes you NOT want to save the woman… So opens the haunted house horror-comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, the most terrifyi— wait, is the house haunted or is it the hill? Cos if it’s … Read More

HIT TEAM

Poffy The Cucumber

HitTeam_DenisLeary-cap

When comedy beats us over the head and tells us to like it. Inept Max (Myles McLane) and efficient Ruthie (Emerald Robinson) are a HIT TEAM from Las Vegas, driving around Los Angeles in a minivan trying to make six kills in one day for their eccentric, showtune-warbling boss Michael (Douglas Macpherson). Things go awry, and Michael puts a hit … Read More

GAMERA VS. ZIGRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Space Fish Out Of Water. Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense. GAMERA VS. ZIGRA is the 7th Gamera film, and effectively the last in the “Showa” series made by production company Daiei – and the exhaustion shows. (There would be one more contracted Gamera film in 1980, GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER, a stock footage compilation like … Read More

THE SITTER 2011

Poffy The Cucumber

Somewhere over the pain flow. Jonah Hill as the Wizard of Oz! Over the course of the unfunny road comedy, THE SITTER, where Hill finds himself babysitting three of the most annoying kids in the world, he reveals to each of them their true inner desires that are causing them to improperly channel their energies into being three of the … Read More

SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE

Poffy The Cucumber

Just when you thought it was safe to get blown… Yeah, it sucks – but it was meant to suck. — Jon Stewart, THE DAILY SHOW. SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE is one of the stupidest movies you will ever see. Yet from a moviemaking, storytelling point of view, it is actually better than its original. My God! Does this … Read More

THE HAUNTING 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

The terror of bad direction, editing and acting. Not to be confused with THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE, released in the same year, THE HAUNTING is the tiresome, overlong, yawnfest remake of the 1960 movie of the same name. The only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk. Dr. Marrow (Liam … Read More

TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Tyranny of Evil Men… Mechagodzilla is re-forged by aliens, and Titanosaurus is mind-ruled by scientists, sent to kill Godzilla, who is ass-raped by moviemakers. Opening montage: oh shit! – the American version – we can tell immediately: an American narrator pisses his pants trying to sound cogent during a Boolshit Maximus montage that he is clearly making up as … Read More

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Raiding Places. The Sequel Too Scared To Be Called A Sequel. It’s a pity that the most promulgated and available versions of these old movies are those versions doctored by racist pigs and venal corporations. This version of GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN, the sequel to 1954’s GODZILLA, is the United States edit that was renamed GIGANTIS: THE FIRE MONSTER, with the … Read More

DEATH RACE 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Disco Death. David Carradine can always claim that he once beat up Rocky! Grasshopper versus Balboa in a battle to the ketchup. After Carradine’s KUNG FU and before Sylvester Stallone’s ROCKY, the two renowned pugilists would clash in this DEATH RACE 2000 where arts were not martial, the most famous boxer was still Muhammad Ali, and acting was optional. It’s … Read More

KING KONG LIVES

Poffy The Cucumber

If by “Lives” you mean “Dies.” King Kong dies in more ways than one. Dying is easy, making rubber suits look authentic is hard. Emboldened, we presume, by the cult status of the GODZILLA franchise, the De Laurentiis Entertainment Group suits up an American actor in an ape suit for KING KONG LIVES, a direct sequel to KING KONG 1976. … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Poffy The Cucumber

Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread. By the release of GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, Godzilla movies had reached such a level of camp that nothing seemed too ridiculous to put onscreen any more. We are asked to accept such a level of idiocy by the filmmakers, it was anyone’s guess whether they were intentionally driving the franchise into the 1960’s BATMAN ditch, … Read More

THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute. THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE is the indie sequel to BUNNYMAN (2011), continuing the gore-fest in the grand tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting. Bunnyman (Joshua Lang, attired in constant bunny suit) goes on a killing rampage somewhere in the … Read More

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER

Poffy The Cucumber

Moulage of the Ripe Cheddar. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER: where characters we care not one whit for embark on a journey we have absolute zero interest in. After two movies, author C.S. Lewis’s epic saga of the magical Narnia universe is going nowhere fabulously fast. And by that I mean, director Michael Apted (THE … Read More