THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

ShapeOfWater_pic3

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

NOTHING SACRED

Poffy The Cucumber

Before Martin & Lewis – there was March & Lombard. NOTHING SACRED is the original 1937 screwball comedy that inspired the Martin and Lewis remake, LIVING IT UP in 1954. Vermont smalltown girl, Hazel Flagg (Carole Lombard, extra cute, extra red), has fatal “radium poisoning” and receives a hefty sum from her employer, with which she plans to visit New … Read More

THE LOVES OF HERCULES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Pussywhipping Of Hercules. Jayne Mansfield’s canned-ham breasts seduce Mickey Hargitay’s petite skirt and oiled pecs in THE LOVES OF HERCULES. In the long history of Italian Hercules films, Mickey Hargitay boldly douses himself with cooking oil and lifts things that are kinda heavy, replacing arguably one of the best proponents of the demi-god, Steve Reeves (last seen in HERCULES … Read More

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Faking Porn, Fart 2. Somewhere along the way, the tween girlie movie series TWILIGHT transmorphed into the painfully overwrought “THE TWILIGHT SAGA,” like there was something extremely important happening between all these vampire models standing around doing nothing and all these werewolf models standing around doing nothing with their shirts off. So we arrive at the conclusion of author Stephanie … Read More

MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Frankenstein’s Mobster. MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN has the reputation for following its infamous source material closely – Mary Shelley’s groundbreaking 1818 novel, Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. The fact that it follows the book only barely, and the fact that people yet put on airs when lauding the movie as authentic shows how much people actually read. Kenneth Branagh directs and … Read More

SISTERS 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

The BACHELOR PARTY of ladydom. Two adult SISTERS, Kate (Tina Fey) and Maura (Amy Poehler), throw one last party in their childhood home before their parents sell it. One sister needs to prove she is responsible. One needs to get laid. The party gets out of hand soon enough. WAY out of hand. Which make the party scenes reminiscent of … Read More

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Webdom-ination…. In THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2, Peter Parker/Spider-Man discovers his lost father’s work has come back to… bite his amazing ass. As Spider-Man faces off against a new antagonist created by electricity (Electro), a more familiar antagonist (the Green Goblin) seeks his blood – literally – for a transfusion to save his own life. In a blaze of quipping and … Read More

SOUTHSIDE WITH YOU

Poffy The Cucumber

SouthsideWithYou_caption

Obama batting Smoove. Barack Obama gets to first base! SOUTHSIDE WITH YOU details the birth of Barack Hussein Obama in Kenya, and how his Nazi mother and Black Panther father conspired with the hospital into forging an American birth certificate, so that their son could infiltrate the presidency and destroy the United States with his muslim sharia ways…  Okay, now … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

Poffy The Cucumber

High on Schrooms-ical. Three words describe HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR: Ab. Bombin’. Nation. Once again, choreographer Kenny Ortega directs, and clueless, unoriginal screenwriter Peter Barsocchini writes what will eventually end up a laughing fart from the buttocks of Satan. Zac Efron returns as Troy Bolton, beefcake boy-beauty of East High School, with his indeterminate-Latina girlfriend Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens, … Read More

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

Poffy The Cucumber

A Very, Very Brief History of Hawking. My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. — Stephen Hawking. The brilliant English cosmologist Stephen Hawking appears as a B-character in the movie about his life, while his first wife Jane hijacks the narrative in THE … Read More

MAGIC MIKE XXL

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-Sized Boredom. Male stripper road trip! It might be a draw to the female contingent looking for abs of steel and g-stringed butts a-glisten with strawberry body oil, but heterosexual gentlemen will find more interest in watching paint drying on a wet plank than trying to stay awake for the soporific meanderings in MAGIC MIKE XXL. Channing returns to shake … Read More

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Poffy The Cucumber

Fifty Shades of Vanilla. A porn movie for chicks. Which means it’s not really porn, and barely even registers as erotic. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is supposedly about a dominant-submissive relationship. But it’s what a dominant-submissive relationship looks like to someone who knows nothing about dominant-submissive relationships. Mr. Grey (Jamie Dornan) is a young, good-looking billionaire (only a few bicep-curls … Read More

IF I STAY

Poffy The Cucumber

I thought I was out. But they pulled me back IN…. Chloe Grace Moretz stares at herself sleeping. I can think of worse ways to spend eternity. After a family car accident that puts her into a coma, 17-year-old Mia (Moretz) wanders the hospital as a ghost, wondering, IF I STAY… what’s in it for me? And that’s this movie … Read More

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Yaaaaaaawn–EXPLODE. Who knew the end of the world would be so boring? With such good acting? And apparently the soundtrack to the world ending is soft rock. Soft rock, people. The preferred music of societal chaos and megalithic destruction. So keep those Dan Fogelberg and Herb Alpert albums at the ready. SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD, … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 Zac Efron Corbin Bleu Vanessa Hudgens Lucas Grabeel Ashley Tisdale

Cruisin’ for a Bruise-ical. There are three words to describe the songs in HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2: Un. Bear. Able. And the word “musical” is in the actual title. False advertising. Did someone consult Satan on which tonal modes would cause mortals to retch like chemotherapy victims? Director Kenny Ortega and writer Peter Barsocchini did indeed. Upon researching the precursor … Read More

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL

Poffy The Cucumber

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL Zac Efron Vanessa Hudgens

High School Douche-ical. Disney collaborated with Satan and coaxed him to fart his pus-festering feculence onto the TV airwaves and call it HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. It is not such a surprise to those of us who know Disney regularly consorts with the Prince of Feces, but even so, this unholy flatulence was far beyond Satan’s usual anal excretions of Disney … Read More

THE SWITCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Like taking a shot in the mouth and not having anywhere to spit. It’s about a woman craving a baby. And 90% of the men have left the room… Let’s try for the other 10%: It’s about Just Friends, with Her asking Him to help her find some semen. Are there any men left watching this at all? THE SWITCH … Read More

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Starving for ideas: Catching Cold. In THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE, the two models who survived the Hunger Games last year are forced by the Capitol to go on a Tour through the 12 Districts to rub it in everyone’s faces. And our faces too. Then they just repeat the last movie. And rub that in our faces too. In … Read More

THE FLASH 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Flash2014_costume

The Wimping Of A Superhero. It’s turning into Superhero TV Funhouse over here…There’s ARROW (Green Arrow) and GOTHAM (young Batman), there’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D, and various shows where people are endowed with “super” powers; now CW brings us THE FLASH in scintillating crimson backwash. Slogan: “The Making of a Superhero.” But the story itself wimps out the Fastest Man Alive … Read More

THE HUNGER GAMES

Poffy The Cucumber

The Dum-ber Games. THE HUNGER GAMES gets caught up being a kid’s actioner with a hot chick, even though it originates as a grim commentary about class warfare. With a hot chick. It’s the dystopian future. (Sheesh! Either it’s ‘apocalyptic’ or ‘dystopian’ – isn’t there ever a boring samo-samo future in mankind’s future?) And the ruling classes tyrannize the underclasses … Read More