GODS OF EGYPT

Poffy The Cucumber

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Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects? Plot Flaw Alert Which No One Seems To Notice: In the visual gluttony called GODS OF EGYPT, evil god Set defeats virtuous god Horus by plucking out the source of Horus’s power – his eyes. Now Horus must go on a quest to retrieve his eyes, so that he can regain … Read More

HERCULES 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

GOOD-liness over GOD-liness. Well, at least he looks the part! Dwayne Johnson brings his extraordinary muscles and ordinary acting abilities to the role of Greek demigod HERCULES, as envisioned by tormented writer Steve Moore and thunderstorm artist Admira Wijaya (Radical Comics, 2009) and de-envisioned by novice screenwriters Ryan Condal and Evan Spiliotpoulos, and Michael Bay Lite director, Brett Ratner. HERCULES … Read More

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Cutting Bloody Political Comedy. ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER is a film about the blood-drinking creatures of the night, the hellish, undead demon-spawn that crave the annihilation of the human species – that’s right, it’s about Republicans. Ironic then, that the hunter of these bloodsuckers is none other than the most famous Republican, Abraham Lincoln – fighting to free the world … Read More

TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

Poffy The Cucumber

ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART. Don’t look for any historical resonance in this version of TRISTAN AND ISOLDE, reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible. So no aspect of this Kevin Reynolds-directed romancer should be confused with the actual legend … Read More

THE ILLUSIONIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Distractionist. In a movie about misdirection, the opulent production design, set decoration and sumptuous cinematography of THE ILLUSIONIST serves to misdirect the audience into believing that there is something more profound at stake than the Getting of Panty.I can pinpoint exactly where THE ILLUSIONIST loses its footing: during afterglow, Eisenheim the Illusionist tells Duchess Sophie, “The only mystery I … Read More