AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

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The Mundane Magic of Marvel. Everyone dies. The End. Audience gape in shock as Star-Lord fade to ashes [ooo-spoilers!], gnash their teeth when T’Challa float away on breeze, cry in anguish as Spider-Man say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…” But all we have to do is glance at imdb to see that sequels to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, … Read More

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

Bare Man-cessitites. Am I evil? Yes I am! Am I evil? I am Man! — Diamond Head, “Am I Evil” THE JUNGLE BOOK is “Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon. That’s all this is – the Disney cartoon remade as a CGI-animated feature. No mention of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and Nag, … Read More

HAIL, CAESAR!

Poffy The Cucumber

Would that it were so sequitur. Maybe the fault is mine. Maybe I just don’t “get” the Coen Brothers’ vision of the world’s randomness and disjointedness, but here’s another of their writer-director efforts where I just can’t see the point, unless it’s to make George Clooney look like a lovable buffoon again. Or to watch Channing Tatum dance. In both … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Captain America: Bromance War. Captain America versus Iron Man in a battle to the bromosexual. When The Avengers try to stop a terrorist from killing civilians, and end up killing civilians themselves, the United Nations steps in and calls a halt to their devastating pearbottoms. General Ross (William Hurt, playing a character from Hulk lore, in this movie where the … Read More

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

Poffy The Cucumber

Blammo Brigade finds Intelligence. Artificially. AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON is not just your same ole blammo-fest with sugarbottom; merely the second movie in the AVENGERS franchise, ULTRON has moved leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor. Yes, there is blammo, but interspersed liberally with morally ambiguous characterization, tentative romance, quiet introspection, self-effacing humor and – that trend in modern plot devices … Read More

DON JON

Poffy The Cucumber

Long Don Johnson. This film really touches me where I love being touched – the groin. But at its heart, DON JON is a love story. But then, isn’t all porn? Joseph Gordon-Levitt (LOOPER, 2012) writes, directs and stars in this cumming of age tale that Entertainment Weekly calls “smart and supremely confident.” I don’t usually concur with generic splash-phrases, … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

Poffy The Cucumber

Flying High on Red White and Hooey. While the fate of the world teeters over the maw of the military industrial complex, while terrorism is exploited to stultify freedom, while despotic oligarchy comes waving the flag of democracy, Captain America returns to punch things. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER finds Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) aka Captain America growing up fast. … Read More

THE AVENGERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Hero-Palooza Shakespearean lightning and thunder arrows, red white and blue shields and golden armor, emerald rage and badass Morpheus longcoat, and Scarlett Johansson’s leather pearbottom. Oh AVENGERS, how sweet thou fury! The god Loki (Tom Hiddleston, Brit-leering and still looking like Data from STAR TREK GENERATIONS) has come to Earth from Asgard to conquer and destroy. And Earth’s mightiest heroes … Read More

THE ISLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Clones. You know what they say: Every man is an island. Unless he has a clone. Then he’s an archipelago. Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson discover they are clones living in an underground community, being cultivated for rich people as “harvestable beings” for their body parts. And who wouldn’t want body parts from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett … Read More

IRON MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Stark. The first IRON MAN movie was a planet-crusher. IRON MAN 2, well, maybe it could crush a small moon or something. It’s still a full-fledged, fun-filled ferrous romp, but, like all superhero sequels, suffers from cramming us with characters and classic storylines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way … Read More

THE PRESTIGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Nolan’s Real Magic. Godard’s Dictum: The cinema is truth 24 frames per second. Rejoinder: The cinema is illusion, is lying 24 frames per second. THE PRESTIGE is everything THE ILLUSIONIST wanted to be – and claimed to be in its trailers – an unholy tale of a magician seeking arcane Real Magic. Overarching the magic, a tale of two men … Read More

MATCH POINT

Poffy The Cucumber

Unmatched. There is such a brilliant hook in Woody Allen‘s MATCH POINT that to say anything about it would ruin its impact. So I’m going to anyway. It’s the woman in me. Writer-director Allen leans so heavily on the tennis idiom (from opening the film with a tennis analogy dependent on luck – a ball nicking the top edge of … Read More

IN GOOD COMPANY

Poffy The Cucumber

Team Mediocrity. One day Topher Grace will learn that “acting” is not “behaving like you’re making one big apology.” Playing Carter Duryea (a character as solid as a bowel movement after drinking month-old milk), fragile Topher assumes a Sales Head position over a company’s long-time Sales Head, Dan Foreman (Foreman – get it? Oh, Irony! Thy untamed Mistress!) – played … Read More

THE PERFECT SCORE

Poffy The Cucumber

Plan Teen From Outer Space. The specter of Jerry Falwell and the misnomered Moral Majority loom large over THE PERFECT SCORE, a quarter-witted tale of half-witted “teens” who steal the answers to an SAT test, then choose not to use those answers, when they realize their motivations for stealing were simply due to bad screenwriting. It all seemed to be … Read More