TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES

Poffy The Cucumber

Machinery Obscenery. James Cameron had nothing to do with this film. The End. TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES stars Ah-nuld in his third appearance as the Terminator, his first role since his heart attack and last role before Governor of California. It also stars some hot chick as Robert Patrick trying to kill some guy who’s meant to be … Read More

THE BENCHWARMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-ginas Assemble! Question: How retarded do you have to be to enjoy THE BENCHWARMERS? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ retarded. When Rob Schneider is the best thing in your movie, you’ve got a problem. And when Rob Schneider is actually good in your movie, you really have to wonder at how bad everything else is to make this actor’s excuse for a … Read More

SHUTTER ISLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Just dropped in – to see what condition my condition was in… The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. –John Milton, Paradise Lost. What a beautiful, sophisticated, mind-leveling thriller! SHUTTER ISLAND is not “scary,” but creepy, disturbing and filled with enough tension and intrigue to drown a plush … Read More

TERMINATOR SALVATION

Poffy The Cucumber

The Manchurian Candidator. For fuck’s sake, man, you’re amateur! — Christian Bale on the set of TERMINATOR SALVATION. That’s the best description *I* can think of for TERMINATOR SALVATION. What more could we expect from writers who penned the silly TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES and a director whose claim to fame is the CHARLIE’S ANGELS franchise? James Cameron … Read More

JURASSIC PARK III

Poffy The Cucumber

Excitement replaced by Excrement. After Charles Darwin, Richard Owen, Louis Leakey, E.O. Wilson, Stephen Jay Gould, Richard Dawkins, Robert Bakker, Jack Horner and thousands of other anthropologists and paleontologists whose names we shall sadly never know, broke their backs formulating the knowledge that allowed us to comprehend evolution and the Dinosauria… JURASSIC PARK III takes those decades of learning – … Read More

AVATAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Electra Glide in Jungle Cat Blue. For the protection of the good, for destruction of evil, and for the establishment of righteousness, I come into being from age to age. — Lord Krishna, avatar of Vishnu, The Bhagavad-Gita. Forgive us our trespasses As we forgive those Who trespass against us… — Yeshua, avatar of Elohim, The Lord’s Prayer. Hubris. Conquest. … Read More

THE TERMINATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold). Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone – hang on, that could be any of his movies.But this movie made him what he is today. What, the Governor of California?… When THE TERMINATOR was released in … Read More

IRON MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Man of Steel, Ethics of Plastic. IRON MAN is a steel-belted planet-crusher of a film; alloy feet on the ground, red-and-gold armor streaking for sub-orbital skies. Based in a reality close to current, like the shrapnel lodged in Tony Stark’s chest, we feel it close to our heart… technology, physics, corporate backbiting, intimate asides… and a self-made hero that speaks … Read More

ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Warrior/Goddess Dichotomy and the Eternal Feminine. ALIENS! Leaping, screeching, hissing, grabbing – hellish armies of H.R. Giger’s inscrutable extra-terrestrial life forms, swarming killing machines going elongated-head to jar-head with the United States Marines (Roger Ramjet Space Division, Glib Company). Writer-Director James Cameron helms this sequel to one of the landmark space/horror films of our time, ALIEN (1979). And it … Read More

GALAXY QUEST

Poffy The Cucumber

No Dreck on This Trek. In its swinging skewering of that TV series which featured that Vulcan guy and that Overacting guy, GALAXY QUEST is everything that the SCARY MOVIE franchise is not: well-produced, well-written, well-acted – and funny. Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) is the ex-captain of a television starship not unlike that one that boldly goes where no man has … Read More

CONSTANTINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Inconstantine. Beautifully shot in ochre tinge, evoking a mythopoeic superstructure, creative camera bespeaking thoughtful setups and engaging angles, striking cinematography accentuating iconic imagery and mellifluous art direction, it’s a pity CONSTANTINE is such an insensate, half-headed dog of a film. This movie was better when it was called THE MATRIX. Traversing between two parallel dimensions, Neo – I mean, John … Read More